Suicide is something no family should have to experience – especially more than once. Today, guest blogger Erika B. shared about a new growth on her family tree, mental illness, and how she persevered when suicide strikes twice.
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Andrea
My older sister Andrea used to torment me as a child, telling me lies – that I wasn’t actually born into my family, but adopted. It used to make me cry, thinking that my parents and my only sibling weren’t my real family. Little did I know then that there would be a point in my life when I wished she were right.
Depression and anxiety have always had roots in my family tree. I’ve known this since I was eight or nine years old and watched both of my parents cycle through symptoms of hopelessness and angst. There were periods of hospitalizations where one or both of my parents would be absent, leaving Andrea and me to live with neighbors.
When Life Changed Forever
It wasn’t until December 17, 1983 when I realized people die from these conditions. That was the day my sister died by suicide.
Andrea and Me
I was fifteen years old and, despite the four-and-a-half years between us, had up to that point a close emotional bond with Andrea; the kind that usually develops from living together through turmoil. In the days and years following her suicide, I felt completely lost and abandoned by my best friend – the one person who was supposed to guide me through life. I struggled to define myself: was I still a sister even after she died? If so, will I always be a “little” sister, even when I surpass Andrea’s 20-year life limit?
Lying on the floor of our living room, after crumpling to the ground at the news of Andrea’s death, I had no idea how I would live through a suicide loss in my family.
Back then, I had no way of knowing that hers wouldn’t be the only one. On July 25, 2015, thirty-one years after Andrea’s death, my dad also died by suicide. I was broken. My world shattered. My family was gone, all of them fatalities of depression and anxiety. Although not officially suicide, my mother had died seven years earlier from consequences of untreated depression.
Andrea and Dad
With dad’s suicide, I questioned my very existence. How was it that I was the last one standing? Why did I deserve to still be here? Do I?
Moving on After Experiencing Two Suicides
I verbalized my biggest fear in the immediate moments after learning of my dad’s death, “Is this my destiny too? Is it only a matter of time before the bouts of anxiety that I also experience lead me into such a hopelessness that I will similarly die by suicide? Is my fate inevitable?”
If I was going to live and live well, I needed to make some meaning of it all. With the support of my supervisor at work and my therapist, I went on disability and decided to take time to grieve. After all, I wasn’t just grieving the loss of my dad to suicide, which would be more than enough of a challenge – I was grieving the loss of Andrea again and, actually, the loss of my family to these illnesses. I was in the fight of my life to keep my life! I did not want distractions to delay my grieving or my healing.
I sat in the uncomfortable darkness-literally and figuratively. Concerned friends would tell me, “I love you” as the reason I should keep going, but I needed to find that will and purpose for myself.
At one point early on, I reached out to another survivor who had lost multiple family members to suicide and I asked, “How do you do this…again?”
“Day by day and sometimes minute by minute,” was his response and it’s advice that’s guided me since.
What I’ve Learned Along the Way
My Dad and Me on my wedding day.
My soul-searching has led me to research; trying to better understand anxiety, depression and healing from suicide loss. I’ve spent countless hours in my therapist’s office working through my endless questions and coming to a peaceful realization that many of my questions will likely go unanswered. I’ve attended a support group sponsored by Catholic Charities where I’ve met amazing clinicians and others who know what suicide loss feels like and who can so ably offer true empathetic understanding with just a look.
My genetic makeup may increase the likelihood that I, too, will experience mental health challenges in my lifetime. I have! What it does not do is guarantee that I will also die by suicide or the result of repercussions from denying mental health treatments.
What I’ve learned these past seven months since I became the sole survivor of my family is that I can do things differently than the rest of my family could or did.
I can:
- Be aware of negative changes in my mental health and ask for help when I need it
- Be my own advocate and seek out the best fit in mental health providers
- Surround myself with a emotionally supportive and healthy network of relationships
- Allow myself to set boundaries with unhelpful people, unhealthy situations or unrealistic demands
- Stop the cycle of shame and silence about living with mental health challenges and realize that my very common conditions don’t make me weak or flawed-they make me very human
Through these differences, there is an answer to the question, “Do I deserve to be here?” And the answer is: YES! We all do.
When Andrea and I were teenagers, she admitted to the ridicule and rivalry and gently told me, “I mean, look at your earlobes! There’s no way you’re not one of us!”
I wouldn’t have it any other way, Big Sis.
About the Author
Erika Barber is a Board Member for the Illinois Chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and the author of Letters from a Friend: A Sibling’s Guide for Coping and Grief.
Thanks, I also lost my father to suicide at 5 years old, some think “oh she’s young, she won’t remember, but when your love of a little girls life is gone, yes, you do, today is his birthday, he’d be 76. Then on my 11th birthday my mother brought me home a beautiful baby brother (I had asked for him). He grew up beautiful and strong and became a police officer and a father, but he struggled with depression. We ran to his side several times and went to stress centers with him, but 3 years ago, on Good Friday, he took his life. It’s very hard to lose them like that. I’ve been down a couple times, but I always said….I have to be strong for my kids and now grandkids, wouldn’t want to put them through that.
Kelli,
Thank you for sharing your experiences of losing your dad and your brother to suicide. No matter how young or old we are at the time of these traumatic losses, we are forever changed. Suicide is a loss like no other and, as you know having also experienced this multiple times, can cause you to question your own strength. I’m glad you have found strength in those who are special in your life and I hope you realize how special you are to them also. We all deserve to be here in our own right- you matter! Please continue sharing the legacies of your family and seeking the joy in your own life. You are so deserving of that.
In friendship, Erika
Erika…i truly believe we came into each other’s life for a reason. You were here for me when i lost my nephew to suicide. You were the one person who taught me what mental illiness is. You are here for a reason to help us grieve and understand. I never had a sister growing up but feel we are sisters bonded in the heart by what we have gone through with each other. I am always here for u too. Your the best lil sis. Love you.
Beth,
If it’s one thing I’ve learned as a survivor of suicide loss, it’s that we can’t (and shouldn’t have to) do this alone. Thank you for holding my hand on this journey, and I hope you feel mine squeezing yours back. Love you!
Erika, today is the anniversary of my dad’s death by suicide. It has been 3 years. I am having a trying day, but reading your blog has been up lifting. Thanks for being here for all of us!
Tish,
I’m glad you found some peace in a very trying day. We all need places to find hope and healing and I’m so thankful for this space that Jessica and Becky created-where I find that same sense of belonging. I’m holding you in my heart today. Thanks for being here for me too!
What a beautiful and uplifting blog. My family struggles with depression and anxiety and I pray for peace of mind for those who struggle daily. Thank you for being an advocate and standing tall when so many cant.
Katie,
Thank you for your comments and compassion. If I stand tall at all, it’s because of people like you who truly understand and support and share. Thanks for that.
Thank you Erika for your story. As a survivor of multiple family suicides I too often worry about this ‘genetic destiny’. My father and uncle (his brother ), and my uncle (mothers brother). Mental illness ruins thick on both sides of my family and I see my brothers daily struggles. I am finding recently I have a new fear that I have passed on ‘bad’ genes too my children and am scared that they will someday battle this illness. I know these are irrational fears.
Thank you again for sharing your story. It spoke right too me
Emily,
Hearing from you and others here who have lost multiple family members to suicide reassures me that I am not alone…and I hope you realize that too.
I think it’s a natural concern to worry about the genetic predisposition to mental health conditions when there’s a suicide-especially when there are multiple suicides-within a family, and particularly if there were known mental illnesses at the time of our loved ones’ deaths.
What I’ve learned is that, although many mental health conditions may have a genetic component to them, suicide is not genetic- so there’s a reassurance that suicide does not need to be anyone’s destiny.
I feel your concern for your children’s mental health and hope that by having conversations with them about your family history, that you can all support one another and find ways to stay mentally healthier.
Suicide does not need to be our family legacies. We can be the ones to change the course.
Thank you for your comments and for sharing your similar concerns with me.
Wow! I am so touched! I lost my dad January 5, 2015 and my husband January 1, 2016. I am 23 and attended my dads funeral and became a widow in less than one year. This was JUST what I needed to hear today.<3
Brianna,
I’m so glad you found this special blog and felt comforted by my post and by the comments of others who know this type of loss.
Having this safe space to connect with others of suicide loss is so important.
I am so sorry you’ve experienced multiple losses in your family as well, particularly in such a short period of time. I hope you feel the belongingness that’s here for you.
As you well know, experiencing one suicide loss is tragic enough; experiencing multiple suicide losses can seem overwhelming to say the least.
In my case, having lost two family members to suicide caused me to feel different in yet another way from others around me-even others who have experienced one loss to suicide.
In reality, I may have been different for those very experiences, but I was never needing to navigate my way as a survivor alone.
Hearing from you and others who have responded to my post is proof that there are others who truly can empathize as a result of our shared experiences. Know that you aren’t alone as you continue living a purposeful life either.
Even though our individual journeys post suicide loss may take us on different paths to healing, we can support one another on the way. Thank you for doing that here.
In friendship,
Erika