Grateful and suicide; two words that often are not associated with one another. How can you feel grateful after experiencing something that has caused tremendous pain and angst? 
Suicide takes people away from us in a manner that we couldn’t have ever imagined. It brings forth a new level of pain, one that we never knew existed. It can be difficult to wake up to a new day, and not think about the pain left behind by the suicide you experienced. Grief to me isn’t about acceptance. It’s about acknowledging that the loss occurred, and altered your path in life. As survivors, we spend a great deal of time thinking about and ruminating in the pain. It is hard not to. What this does is take time away from thinking about the time we did have with the person we lost. Was it cut short? Absolutely. But, that doesn’t take away from the beautiful memories we created with the person we lost. When I find myself thinking about the loss, I try to alter my thought process and remind myself of the happy times I had with my father. Of course, I wish he was still here to create new memories but, the reality is he isn’t. So, I remember the laughs we shared, the gentle embrace, and the words exchanged. Peace isn’t in the loss; it is found in the memories.
Yes. Our mind and our feelingsis something we are greater than.
Likewise I find that we can go into the whys … And what led up to this… How could I have prevented this… And this all takes us away from what our loved ones who have chosen their departure would ever want for us. The fact remains that it’s an affirmation to the mystery of life’s ways. Focusing on the love; the other side of great grief for the ones we love is deepest love. No guilt, no shame, no blame!
I absolutely agree with you that peace is found in the memories. My 18 year old son, Craig, was so much fun in life. I never dreamed that suicide would ever have entered his mind. Those first few days, weeks and months are fraught with absolute torment. But there has been time now for me to ponder…to remember. I choose to remember the good times. There honestly weren’t that many “bad” times, unless they have been dimmed by the passage of time. I am so afraid I will forget his laugh, how it felt to have his arms around me, giving me a big old bear hug. I will work to remind myself. His death did not negate his life. His life was so much more than his death. It has been almost ten years. I usually have more smiles than tears lately. Of course there are days. There will always be days. But we only have to do one at a time.
The letter from the suicide person.
I am sorry for the pain that my suicide brings the family i left behind. The pain that depression and the darkside of suicide make life horrible. The weight in your chest that makes each breath seem impossible, the consistency of the torment that you can not excape. We the depressed don’t wish to pass on the pain to you. We just can no long find the fight to continue. We love you more than you will ever know, the darkness as we see it makes us believe we are causing you pain. Please remember that we love you, we appreciate you. There is nothing that you could have done, said. The fight, the argument wasn’t what caused the incident, it was the inner belief that we were more of a burden than the worth of taking another breath.
I don’t want you to remember me as you found me, as your mind makes you think I want you to remember the good times. As your love smiles and all the laughs and memories are what made me last this long. Please live your life and share on the knowledge of my life.