I’ve noticed a personal phenomenon lately as I scroll through my Facebook News Feed – I avoid or quickly bypass stories that make me feel uncomfortable. This is a highly subjective practice, knowing everyone has different emotional “triggers” – a term I learned in online forums. (I actually hate the word triggers since my dad took his life with a gun.) But, now I’m wondering if my avoidance of these tragic topics is making me a hypocrite. After all, I hope and expect most people will read posts about my dad and experience with suicide.
With the “openness” of the Internet, people have the ability to post anything and information is so easily shared. It makes me squeamish to read about things I had no idea could even happen to someone, or how common scary issues are among friends. Now that I know bad things can happen to people, I am afraid of them happening to me (again). I see pleas for donations to GoFundMe accounts for the most tragic of stories, articles about freak deathly accidents or posts about awareness days/months I’m now anxious about being aware of. Part of me feels like if I quickly look away, it didn’t happen, or that I won’t fully tarnish my innocence or naivety. I’ll say to myself, “well, my bad thing already happened.” Deep down, I know that’s misguided. I’m so afraid that if I expose myself to these things, there’s a chance they will also happen to me. I know what it’s like to be caught by surprise and I don’t want to happen again. These scary things I’m seeing are traumas I have no control over.
I don’t want to live in this state of fear. I guarantee someone is sitting on the other side of their computer screen thinking that about my life and situation. “Suicide is terrifying,” they may say. “That doesn’t happen to people like us; I don’t want to read about this, it’s scary.” “Look away; I don’t want her dad’s suicide to be contagious and spread to me or my family.” The thought of that hurts, but I understand.
As I said early on, we all have emotional hot buttons. I need to accept that suicide is that for some people and they will need to keep scrolling. I’m trying to be more open to my hot buttons outside of suicide. After all, I wish I had more AWARENESS of signs of suicide or the effects of depression before my dad died. I guess being aware of these other scary things makes me appreciate that life is comprised of many good and bad things. It’s how we navigate our way through them, or make efforts to prevent them that make us who we are. For example, reading about awareness days could now make me realize that something I may eventually face is more common than I thought and I won’t feel so alone. Or, that I could take preventative measures. Or, that life can change at any moment and it’s a good idea to ensure loved ones will be taken care of. It makes me cringe to even write this. Some days, I may need to keep on scrolling.
I’ve always been an anxious person, but I think I can say that suicide has made me more fearful than I used to be. I’ve seen the dark side and know how easily and unsuspectingly it can surface. I will never be the same again and I wonder how much a person can take. I am always so amazed by the resilience of those of you who have written in. It brings me comfort to see just how strong survivors of suicide can be. Suicide, like any of these other things, can be uncomfortable, but the ability to see how others have navigated life in this new normal brings be hope about my capacity to face unwanted things that come my way.
You are spot on. In 2014 I had Breast cancer, my mother died (from lung cancer which she neglected to tell her three children about),and our cat of 14 years died. Thought good riddance to 3014!! On October 9, 2015 my middle son shot and killed himself in our house and I discovered it. Thougtht 2014 was bad; hard to recover from losing your 35 year old son.
That is so much to deal with, Nancy. I’m sorry for the loss of your son.
On the flip side of that, I find it difficult to look at social media and see what my life was like or would have been like if this tragedy had not entered my life the day my daughter completed her life and left us with her two year daughter to raise. I see my friends planning their girls weddings, my daughters, friends having children and “normal” lives. I look at my life and wonder how I fit into this world of social media. It saddens me to think of the “what could have been” in my life as well as the people she left behind, her father, her sister, but most of all her beautiful daughter. It’s just too painful for me to look at. I look forward to the day when it does not hurt so much.
That’s such a good point! Especially now with Facebook so “conveniently” encouraging you to look back and “see your memories” from what you posted years ago, only to realize how different life was back then. Social media has certainly added a whole new level of complexity to grieving. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Lost the man I’ve been dating for a year and a half to suicide this past September. No signs. Just one day, he was gone. It kills me on the inside to know that I slept next to him almost every night, and I had no idea his mind was his biggest enemy. It breaks my heart that someone I loved dearly was in such darkness, and I had no idea.
I’m so sorry, Sammie. I often think to myself that most to all of us as survivors never would have guessed something so dark was on our loved ones’ minds. Who could possibly think someone would do this? It’s so hard to digest.
My son had just turned 30, a vegetarian, yoga-busting gym going, wall repelling watch everything I eat person. He took care of his body but neglected to take care of his mind. He suffered an extreme anxiety attack over the perceived loss of a relationship and took his life at 8.43 am 6/19/2014. If only he had taken areof his mental health as much as he took care of his physical body. The mind can be a scary place even when everything on the outside looks great. Our family is devestated over the loss of my son. If we had only known he was suicidal. I never in a million years thought he would take his life, never. So sorry Sammie for the loss of your partner.
The suicide of my 16 yr old son also changed my life forever…9-24-15 is the date that is embedded in my brain forever. When a person finds out about my son…. I get the “look”..also I was told by someone that their child would never do such a thing….they have raised him right. I shuttered after hearing their words and cried angrily!! I did not sign up for this….
What an unkind thing for that person to say. This is exactly what I was referring to. I think that when people hear about something uncomfortable, they quickly say something or look away to “shield” themselves and convince themselves something like this could never happen to them. Tragedies like this are nobody’s fault and as uncomfortable as it is to think about, we have to be aware that no one is immune. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is so well written and so so true. Lots of love to you. I think this is common for all of us. Being annoyed and hurt when others turn from our pain, but knowing we turn from others pain at the same time. It’s part of being human. But, being aware of it is where compassion and understanding start to change our actions.
Thank you Becky, this is a positive perspective and I hadn’t thought of looking at things this way before. I have the same type of reaction so this is really helpful.
A few weeks after my partner’s suicide last year I went to a movie with a friend, not that I was in a state of mind to enjoy movies, but doing things helped pass the time. We were both horrified when one of the main characters in the movie walked into the ocean and drowned himself. I couldn’t bear to see it even knowing it was a story. Since that movie we have been to several others and a number of movies have contained a suicide. Even though it is fiction it is painful to watch. It really helps to now take the perspective that what happened to me and my much loved partner, also happens to many people. Somehow that makes me feel less alone.
My son ended his life April 1st 2012 11:20pm by shooting himself after a violent argument with his girlfriend. He was 29. I was present. I pleaded with him that night but his mind was not in this world. This episode of my life will never fade. When I see other tragedies in the media I find it hard to read or watch because my pain returns. Before this happened I could handle anything, I so enjoyed helping others. Now my heart hurts for them and myself.
I’m so sorry, Patty. I know that must have been hard, and still is. I agree with you – this was never an issue before the suicide.
I actually don’t shy away from conversations of suicide or topics on social media referencing uncomfortable topics. What I can’t deal with is when the action is being depicted in a TV show or a movie; the actual act of shooting oneself or when they are taking someone off life support. I can’t stop the tears and I end up having bad dreams and nightmares for days afterwards. Possibly PTSD. I had to witness something that no child or loved one should ever have to see. It’s been 2 years (1-20-2014 is the anniversary of my father’s suicide) and I still have a hard time dealing with him being gone. I think part of the avoidance is actually having to come to terms with the loss and letting my dad go. But, every time I think of him the horrible image of him in the hospital unfolds in my mind and I have to shut it down. If it is a suicide of a popular figure, I say a prayer for them and their family but I do not read posts. People can be so nice and they can be total jerks… I prefer not to expose myself to those that want to incite bad feelings so I just acknowledge their passing and move on to the next social media post.