Anger at and forgiveness of a loved one are among the most popular topics survivors of suicide raise on the blog. Today, we welcome guest blogger Brandy L., who discusses her ongoing battle with both following the loss of her mother.
In July of 1991, as a ten-year-old little girl, I walked into my house to find my mom dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Her letter goodbye said not much more than “goodbye and good luck.”
In 2006, I booked a weekend alone at a resort on the beach in Santa Cruz, California. The entire purpose of the trip was to do something I had been working on for quite some time: forgiving my mom. I had spent 15 years being incredibly angry with my mom and I realized my anger was only hurting myself, not her. They say not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. In this case, she was already dead and I was trying to punish her by not forgiving her. I felt like if I forgave her it would somehow condone her actions or let her off the hook. For years I fought the idea of forgiving her but alas, I realized it was in my best interest to finally forgive. I was neither forgetting what had happened nor excusing it. I was simply forgiving her.
That Saturday morning, I went to the store and got a helium-filled yellow balloon and headed to the beach. I laid out a comfy blanket and pulled out a marker and began writing on the balloon all of the things I was forgiving my mom for doing. Completing suicide, planning for me to find her, leaving a worthless goodbye letter, leaving me without a mom, being selfish, etc. The balloon was completely full and I truly was forgiving her for each of those things. I said a prayer, stood up, and released the balloon. In that moment, I was forgiving her for each of those injuring actions and I felt freer than I have ever felt. The power of forgiveness is life giving, really. My anger was gone.
This past fall, nine years after that balloon flew away; I began sharing and reading survivor stories on my own website. There seems to be a common theme I hear in everyone’s story: empathy. Empathy for their loved one’s hopelessness, depression, and desperation. Empathy for their loved one who was hurting so much. I understand this empathy and I express it for everyone else except my mom. A weird thing happened last fall for me. For the first time in nine years, I am back to being extremely angry with her for taking her own life. Angry with her selfishness. Angry she was so intentional in her actions that day, knowing her ten-year-old daughter would be the only one to find her lifeless body. Angry she left me without a mom at the time a girl needs her mom the most. Angry she took the easy way out. Angry she didn’t care enough about her family to get the help she needed. Angry, angry, angry!
As a result of my anger towards my mom, I have found I have become angry with myself as well. Angry for being angry. Angry for still caring. Angry I am not ‘over this’ yet. Angry for not moving on. Angry for starting a website to help other people and apparently being the only one that does not empathize with the one who died. I’m angry. What is wrong with me?
Did I truly forgive my mom nine years ago for her actions? Yes. Did I mean it? Absolutely. Then why am I angry all over again when I thought I had moved beyond this stage? Welcome to grief! I am a licensed therapist and am still learning first-hand the ins and outs of suicide grief.
I am learning forgiveness is not a one-time thing, it is likely an event that will happen over and over and over again. It’s not neat and tidy, it is messy. It is not without pain, the sorrow is real. Forgiveness needs to happen when life brings about waves of emotion and then triggers memories and feelings I thought I had worked through. Forgiving my mom for her suicide will happen many times in my life, not just that one time on the beach when I let the balloon fly.
So, for today, I am giving myself grace. I will not shame myself for being angry. I am embracing the anger because I want to give myself value, the same value she robbed me of when she took her life and forced me to question my worth for decades after. I am right where I need to be; angry. And I am okay with that. I am not okay with her suicide and her choice to leave a small child, but I am okay with validating how I feel today, working through grief when it hits and never discounting the raw emotion attached to her suicide. She took her life, but she didn’t take mine. I will live fully. The good, the bad, the anger. All of it, I will live!
Biography
Brandy Lidbeck is a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. She recently started thegiftofsecond.com for those impacted by a loved one’s suicide. Through videos and blogs, Brandy desires to openly discuss the shame, grief, anger, stigma, and lack of self-worth that suicide survivors typically wrestle with.
Wow…. Just WOW! Well stated, and in a candid way that resonates with me. I especially like “never discounting the raw emotion“.
My anger is not toward my son ending his life nearly seven years ago. My anger is toward the multitude of people who didn’t help me try to save my son. Rather than spinning every worry I had about my son’s well-being into a positive pathetic platitude, I needed people authentically recognizing the dilemma.
I felt like screaming (but didn’t) to each person who said words to me like “Cheer up” “Look at the bright side”, “Be patient because he’ll grow out of it.” ”All teens are troubled.” “He clearly loves you. Be glad of that.” Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…. ad nauseam.
I have come to understand that experiencing suicide loss often results in complicated grief for the loved ones suffering so much pain. Yes, the grief is very complicated. I never discount my raw emotion, but others do. And then they avoid me. So, instead of hoping or expecting others to genuinely care about my feelings, I have found myself in a much better place by isolating myself and having few interactions with others.
Yes, peace with myself by myself, treasuring fond memories of my sweet son.
Thanks, Cathy, for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your son and, of course, your journey.
I feel most people are ignorant and uncomfortable with most topics pertaining to mental health and suicide so they say things just to make themselves feel better and more comfortable. Thus, they don’t realize the pain their comments make.
I hope that you can find healing without isolation but rather in a genuine community of folks that understand you and your experience. I, truthfully, still haven’t found a community that understands me either, so I rarely talk about it outside of my website because people’s comments are hard to take sometimes. 🙁
i too lost my mother in 2001 and i dont know how im supose to.forgive her for leaving her children and grandchildren i dont know if im more angery at her or more sad at all shes missed out on please let me know how to deal with this theres days all i do is cry and say why and then theres other days im so angery
It’s okay to be angry. What your mom did is unthinkable! I have had to learn that the anger I have had only hurts me and my own family. It certainly doesn’t hurt her. It doesn’t change anything. Mostly, for me, I had to realize that forgiving her did not condone her actions. It just released me of the power her suicide still had over me. Forgiving her is a continual thing. Sometimes and every day thing.