Change is never easy, and the worst kind of change is the change that you never even wanted. Beginning a new job is scary. 
Moving to a new location is scary. Starting your life over is scary. That is what happens the day you lose a loved one to suicide. Life as you know it has changed, and you are forced to begin a new chapter. A chapter that you never wanted to write, let alone live. For me, this was difficult to accept after losing my dad. Life as I knew it had changed. I didn’t want my life to change. I wanted to go back to the life I lived prior to December 27th, 2011. Part of the grief journey is mourning not only the person you lost, but the life that you lost as well. We have to acknowledge and accept that life has changed before we can begin to move forward. Like any change, the beginning is always the most difficult. It is scary and uncomfortable. “Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest.”
All special events from then on will be different. This past week I was privileged to have a beautiful new granddaughter, the second child born since my son took his life. It was such a beautiful occasion, yet my
heart cried for what could have been. Her uncle had no idea what his life could have been like! He should be here. But he is night. While my heart rejoices for this new life, new love of my life, it also breaks all over for what “could have been,” what “should have been.”
You perfectly describe the grief journey and why it is ongoing. There will always be moments when our heart yearns for the person we lost, and for what “could have been.” Congrats on your beautiful new granddaughter. Children truly are blessings.
It’s like you took my words, my feelings. These are the questions & feelings I had, after my son was born. 5 yrs prior to having my son, my Dad committed suicide. I was only 15 when he went away. I’m 34 and still struggle with questions, dates, holidays. I wonder if it will ever get easier. Maybe I’ve dealt with my Dad’s suicide wrong. I hope you have a wonderful day. Congrats on your grandchild.