Since losing my dad to suicide, the winter holidays seem to exacerbate my feelings of anxiety. His absence and the dramatic way his death impacted our family traditions becomes painfully clear this time of year. Coupled with this are coincidentally-timed stressful events that only fan the flames of my worries. (For instance, in December 2014, I panicked about returning to work post maternity-leave and felt a bit of déjà vu again this year.) At one point a couple weeks ago – over something others may consider trivial – I experienced a full-blown anxiety attack, complete with tears, shaking and a punched-in-the-gut feeling. In the heat of that moment, I couldn’t help but think of my dad.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, “studies have shown that anxiety disorders run in families, which means that they can be inherited from one or both parents, like hair or eye color. In addition, certain environmental factors—such as a trauma or significant event—might trigger an anxiety disorder in people who have an inherited susceptibility to developing the disorder.” Therefore, it seems anxiety after a suicide could be quite common among those whose loved ones also experienced it.
Did I inherit this anxiety from him? Did his constant worrying “inspire” my own behavior? Maybe a mix of both? I find myself doing exactly what he did – envisioning the worst outcome to each situation and fretting over how I will get myself out of it when it hasn’t even happened. I don’t remember feeling this strongly before he died and I am confident the trauma of losing him the way I did has also triggered this in me. Perhaps I’m facing a trifecta for anxiety, so this shouldn’t be too surprising.
During my attack, I also thought, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I hate that my mind operates this way and I want to feel anything but this terror right now.” I know this is only a sliver of what our loved ones were feeling…
Even though I roll my eyes at the notion of motivational quotes and visuals that plaster social media channels (it makes me sad that human beings need so much “pepping up” on an everyday basis), I am once again finding the value in things like this to help soothe me. In addition to continuing with my own grief therapist, I tried to think of personal things I can turn to for comfort in times of elevated anxiety – like right now. I decided to buy a couple things this week, which I am a little excited about…an “adult” coloring book to de-stress, some coffee table books with stunning photography to highlight all that’s beautiful about the world (in place of the ugly I see in my mind), some new meditation downloads, a visit to my hypnotherapist, a haircut and some mantra bracelets I keep seeing advertised in my Facebook newsfeed. While I know my anxiety and these flare ups are not my fault, I am trying everything I can possibly think of to give me feelings of positivity.
I don’t doubt that my dad’s suicide aggravated anxious tendencies in my mind. But, what his method of death taught me is that I will not let it get the best of me. It’s a tough beast and battle, for sure. I know he fought hard. Unfortunately, after a loss to suicide we, as survivors, are left with many different pieces of baggage and the potential for increased anxiety is one of them.
Thank you for sharing. My 28 year old daughter left me 4 little girls under the age of 7 to tend to after she left. I am 52 and work full-time as an accountant. The stress of normal life, raising these girls and everything is overwhelming. The “Beast” will not get me I wont allow it. That struggle to overcome an not be a victim is tremendous. It’s something a hot bath wont relieve. I am thinking I need counseling. Thanks for sharing a story I can relate to “Anxiety”
Dee, thank you for sharing. You are juggling so much, but I am so moved by your motivation to keep fighting. Counseling has helped me tremendously. Sometimes, I wish I could go daily for the extra support.
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I lost my 30 yr old son to suicide on 6/19/14 his final diagnosis was “extreme anxiety” . I have suffered with this myself since nursery school, separation anxiety, then I was in a car accident at 15, my father was driving and he died from the injuries. After that I suffered but I did not know what is was, this thing called anxiety. After years of feeling this way I finally sought therapy. Little did I know I had passed it on tomy son either through genes or learned behaviour, I dont know. He took his life because of anxiety and it was treatable…………..thanks for sharing this it means a lot to all of us who suffer from the loss of a loved one to suicide.
Jacqueline, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and all that you have been through. You can’t blame yourself for anything that has happened in life. I’m glad you sought treatment – it’s been invaluable for me.
So much of what you wrote resonated with me. I suffer from severe panic attacks since my husbands suicide six years ago. I work with a therapist, I try visualization and relaxation techniques and just recently purchased an adult coloring book. It’s amazing how many emotions we share and suffer through as survivors. It’s a long tough battle, but like you, I choose to live on and work through this.. I want to be here to carry on my husband memory because he was so much more than just that moment when he died by suicide. I want other survivors who suffer from anxiety to understand they are not alone and it’s a process to work through. Have patience and hope.
Thank you, Kimberly. I really liked the reminder to have patience and hope. I wrote this post a few days ago and kind of forgot it was going up today. I saw it after I experienced an anxiety attack yet again this morning over something. Then I started to feel angry about my dad’s suicide for potentially putting me in this position again and again. It really is tough navigating all of this! I am very sorry for your loss and appreciated hearing what you are doing to cope.
Becky
I hope you don’t mind me responding again. I’m a work in progress, I have to remind myself many times to be patient and have hope…some days are just more difficult than others. I have many triggers that can cause my panic attacks; smells, photo’s, places and worst of all my nightmares. I couldn’t leave my house today because of it. I just try to remind myself tomorrow is another day to try to go out for a run and take care of myself. Please be kind to yourself.
Both of my kids have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression after their fathers suicide. My 19 year old daughter has been able to function much better after therapy, meds and her participation with church. My 15 year old son is on meds but won’t go to therapy. He is on the Autism Spectrum and he is having a harder time. High school has become too much for him and we are going back and forth with the school to get him placed in the appropriate program. It’s hard watching your kids go through this but also grateful for the little steps forward. Your site has been very helpful to me to understand what they may be feeling or experiencing. Thank you so much for your transparency.
Heidi
It is so difficult to watch our children struggle. My two daughters were diagnosed with depression after my husbands suicide six years ago. My oldest is now 21yrs old. She took medication for a year, but only did therapy for a short time. It wasn’t until after she graduated from high school that things started to get better for her, she was able to process and understand her wealth of emotions. We went through many difficult times, but each baby step she took I was grateful for and incredibly proud of her. My young daughter takes medication and also goes to therapy. It’s a roller coaster ride, but she too has taken great strides and now comes to me when her emotions are overwhelming her. Since my husbands suicide I too suffer from depression and panic attacks. I take medication and see a therapist. I do my best to take things one day at a time; to try and enjoy the good days and work through the difficult ones. I have learned a lot about myself these past six years. I’m more resilient, compassionate and patient and a better parent. As I’ve written before, remember to be kind to yourself. My thoughts are with you.
Dear Kimberly, Happy to hear that you feel you are a better parent and that your children are struggling through the disabling emotions that follow suicide. your post gives me so much hope that I can be a good guide for my daughter despite my own trepidation, fear and panic. Thank you!
Thank goodness I’ve read some of this. My father suffered at his own hands. I didn’t even believe I could have a panic attack until it happened to me the other night. It feels like its no answer to a lot of why questions. This experience is very recent and I’m 24 I’ve never dealt with this before. I feel confused. I also feel like no one can really be there for me but I also live alone. Idk what to do about anything right now, nor can I concentrate without fear or worrying. I don’t know when I can be back at work.
I think the most important thing you can do is find people to talk to. A therapist, a support group, a close friend. Everyone grieves differently, but universally we all need people to help us through the process. Human beings simply do not grieve well alone. We gentle on yourself, and know that what you have experienced is traumatic and life changing. Change is general increase anxiety….this type truly makes it sky rocket! Don’t try and go through this on your own. Speaking from my own experience, I know it doesn’t work.
I understand everyone who has lost someone to suicide. I lost my daughter Feb 19th, 2015. Worst day of my life and also saw. Jasmine was a few weeks before her 16th birthday. She always communicated almost every week with her counclers n me. She didn’t have friends. She had a boyfriend. We found out that they were having problems and after she had already went through so much growing up, they argued that day and she took her life. I came home from work and not a day goes by I don’t see or think about that moment. Jazzy and I were always together so I realized recently that I hate going to the store because I get really hot and shake. I realize now that my Jazzy was always with me. I dont go anywhere or do anything because I get real bad anxiety. It really sucks!