In Monday’s post, I talked about the importance of continuing your relationship with the person you lost to suicide. In the mental health field, this is referred to as continuing bonds. Essentially the idea of continuing bonds challenges the notion that we need to “let go” of the person we lost. As a grief therapist and survivor, I know this notion is simply not realistic. Take me for an example. I lost my dad, a man I knew from the day I entered this world. Asking me to “let go” of him is like asking me to forget he ever lived. Talk about feeling stuck in your grief! I believe we have created this belief that “acceptance” means “letting go.” Acceptance isn’t about forgetting, getting over, or letting go of the person you lost. To me, acceptance is about acknowledging that the person you lost is no longer present in physical form. Acceptance is about learning how to navigate your relationship with the person you lost now that they are gone. I have included a few tips to help you continue your own bond with the person you lost.
1. Talk to them. Simple enough, right? While simple I have found that some survivors struggle with this, believing that it means they haven’t accepted that their loved one is gone. I know I can’t call my dad on the phone, but I can talk to him while driving in the car when a song comes on that reminds me of him. Talking can help you continue to feel a connection with the person you lost.
2. Keep photos around. You don’t have to let go of the person, and you certainly don’t have to let go of the memories. Keep reminders of the moments you shared. They are a part of you, and a part of your story.
3. Incorporate your loved one into specials days and holidays. You will be thinking about them, so why not incorporate them?! I wrote about my friend who always sets a place for her father at the table on holidays. She isn’t in denial; she just wants him to be a part of the day. I love this idea and love that she began this tradition. She no longer dreads the day, wondering if everyone will be avoiding the topic of her father. Instead, she looks forward to hearing new stories, and reminiscing about the times they spent with him.
4. Ask them for advice, and visualize what they might say. I have heard a number of survivors talk about the pain they feel as a result of not being able to ask their loved ones for advice. Why can’t we? Sure, they won’t necessarily be able to answer in a traditional sense, but we often know what they might say. I also believe that asking our loved ones for advice opens us up to new possibilities. I remember sitting at my dad’s grave during a particularly difficult time in my life. I asked my dad to help me figure it all out. While I can’t give you exact signs, I can say that I became more aware and more open. Being open and more aware gave me clarity, and allowed me to be present. I stopped trying to control everything, and had faith that it would all work itself out. And it did.
5. Live your life in a way that would make them proud. After losing a loved one tragically, it can difficult to continue living life as it was. Everything has changed; we have changed. But truth be told, our loved one did not leave this world in an effort to hurt us; they left to end their own pain. In their mind they believed we would all be better off without them. While we know this is far from accurate, they could not see nor imagine the devastation their death would leave behind. They do not want us to suffer. While it took me awhile, I was able to find a new direction and purpose for my life. It is far from the purpose I had prior to losing my dad. This blog, my work as a grief therapist, the trainings and public speaking I do are to honor him. When I was finally able to get myself off of the couch, I began to live a life that I believe he is proud to watch me live.
6. Keep things that were theirs. Similar to pictures, survivors are often afraid to keep their loved ones items. Letting go of “stuff” is important and can be healing as we grieve. However, keeping an item or two can help us maintain that connection with the person we lost. For me, it was an old sweatshirt that my dad often wore. I haven’t washed it since the day I took it out of his house. I have worn it a few times. Times when I needed to renew that connection with my dad. While he is no longer here, there is something about the sweatshirt that helps me continue to feel connected to my dad.
7. Experience and acknowledge their presence. Regardless of your religious beliefs, there are always signs from our loved one. Maybe a song comes on the radio that ignites a special memory. Maybe a smell makes you feel their presence even though you can’t see them in physical form. Acknowledge these experiences. Hold on to them. They are with us, even when we can’t see them. They are in our memories. They are in the everyday tasks that we complete. They are in our dreams. Most importantly, they are in our hearts.
My hope is that this list has helped give you ideas for how you can incorporate your loved one into your new life. It isn’t about learning to live without them. It is learning how to live with them again.
I just wanted to thank you for this post. My son, Craig, has been gone now almost ten years. As you know, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about or miss him. Your suggestions here are excellent. One thing I haven’t done is talk to Craig very often. Mostly when I am really missing him. Thankfully, I was able to say “I forgive you” a while back. As time has passed, I am thankful to be able to laugh with the memories of times past. He will always be a part of my life, even though he is gone now. So many people think you should be able to “get over it.” And like you said, that is like he didn’t exist. I refuse to go that direction. I have several items that I kept and articles of clothing that I wear. They help me to feel close to him. My faith tells me I will see him again one day, and I am so thankful for that. That doesn’t mean I have to forget him for now. There will always be “trigger” times, but I choose to acknowledge that wonderful young man that gave me such joy in life! The sorrow in his death, has also become a part of me. You don’t get over it, but if you are diligent, and blessed, you do get through. It is a continuing process. Once again, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Especially today.
Pam, I am so happy that this post was helpful for you. I love that you have his clothing. I have a client who also wears an item of clothing from her son when she wants to feel close to him. It bothers me when people think this means we haven’t moved on…it is actually quite the opposite! We have learned how to continue our relationship with the person we lost. Keep acknowledging Craig’s life!
That was also beautifully said, thank you for sharing. Letting go is NOT something my heart understands losing my oldest Son Nicholas. However, I hear carry him and all 25 years of memories “WITH ME “…..that made sense to me. Love, prayers and peace.
Thank you so much for your wisdom today! It seems to come at a time that I am open and recieving! Of course I miss my son and granddaughter and feel a closeness to them and sometimes confusion about my feelings! I am still traveling this heartache but you give me a prospective to reach for! God Bless you!❤️
Thank you
I wondered how many feel they must forgive the person who took their life? At 38 my brother took his life, then 10 years later my 19 year old child took his…….I’ve never been mad at them and needed to forgive them…..I guess I knew they felt it was their only way out of the pain. I just wish I would have known how to help. The loss of both of them has changed me & my life in a way I would never wish on anyone!
I think many people find it difficult to forgive the person they lost to suicide. Often times it is viewed as a betrayal. I have found that the one person survivors often have a hard time forgiving is themselves. To me, that is the more difficult than forgiving the person you lost.
Thank you for this beautiful post.
Reading this article gives my heart a lil bit of peace and greater understanding of knowing I’m.not alone…my spouse of 7 years whoni have 3 lil boys with decided to end his life Dec 20,2015…we had our issues the past 9 months and it happened suddenly. At the time we where separated but I always thought he would come back home to us…just not that way…he struggled with addiction on top of hisental issues and as much as I keep replaying everything…I am mad at him..still can’t accept he’s gone forever…I loved him soo much and don’t understand what this means yet for me and our sons for the rest if our life..but knowing these feelings I’m having are ones that others have felt over such a tragic loss…gives me hope that maybe one day the pain will lessen and I can have a better understanding of my life without him..thank you for sharing such a uplifting article…
Thank you for this. I lost my mother to suicide in November.. it has been a rough couple of months. My name is montana clark, I am 21 years old and within the past year and a half my life has changed. My mother was an alcoholic, as am I. I went into treatment last January and have been sober ever since. Growing up with alcoholic parents was never easy. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression and a lot of other mental health issues on top of alcoholism. After treatment I stayed in a different town about 3 hours away from home… knowing that my mother wasn’t doing well and was not working on her recovery scared me. So I tried to help her but she didn’t believe that she had it in her. I truly feel as though sometimes I would be talking to my momma and most of the time I didn’t even know who she was. I woke up the morning after thanksgiving to a phone call that she killed herself. And the first phone call I made were the ladies in my life that live the same way I am learning to do. As I said, I am an alcoholic. And the only people I could reach out to were the people in alcoholic anonymous. No one I know in the program has ever lost a parent to suicide.. so blogs, writtings, support groups like this make sense. It’s like how the program I have been working on living in a way. The support. Understanding the broken soul we are trying so hard to put back together.. but the pieces make no sense. I wanted to reach out and say thank you❤ I truly appreciate the honesty and the heart felt words.
We are so happy that you found our site. We found out firsthand what a unique process this type of grief was. Our experience motivated us to start this blog. I wanted to personally reach out and congratulate you on your ability to maintain your sobriety. That is not something that is easy to do, especially after the tragic loss of your mother. We hope to continue to offer you support on your journey.