Powerless and helpless; two feelings that I don’t think anyone enjoys experiencing. Anyone who has experienced a loss by suicide can agree that these two feelings contribute to the utter devastation you feel in the aftermath. Suicide does not just shake the ground a bit; it completely shatters the foundation. We are left feeling completely powerless and helpless.
In our state of powerlessness and helplessness we often find ourselves deep in thought. How could this have happened? How did I not see the signs? How could I have prevented this? How could they have been in so much pain? We talk often about the overwhelming guilt that accompanies a suicide loss. But, what we often don’t talk about is survivor’s guilt. 
The guilt we feel knowing that they are gone, and we are still here.
Our friends and family try desperately to make us feel better, as if that is even possible after a suicide. “They are in a better place,” they will say. “They are no longer in pain.” Anyone familiar with these statements? I know I heard both over and over after my own father’s suicide. I realize that the intention of others is to help bring us peace. However, what statements like these can result in, is survivor’s guilt. Why did they have to be in such pain to begin with? Why couldn’t it have been me?
I was recently talking to a woman who lost her brother to suicide. She was well aware that he struggled throughout his life, although the depths of his pain were not always clear. In his note he stated, “Please don’t be sad for me, for I am now in a better place.” From the outside it would be easy to tell this woman that she should be happy that he is no longer in pain. However, that was not her struggle. She knew his pain had ended. What she struggled with was the notion that he lived in pain for so long, never fully experiencing a level of happiness that both her and her family have been blessed to have. That is survivor’s guilt. Guilt related to having been dealt a better hand than the person you lost.
Acknowledge the survivor’s guilt. Accept that it is there. Often just accepting that we are experiencing it can help us feel more in control, and less helpless. I am not going to push back, and challenge you for feeling the way you are feeling. I know this did nothing for me after my dad’s suicide. At the end of the day, it isn’t fair. I don’t know why people get dealt crappy hands. I don’t know why my dad got dealt a crappy hand, but he did. Acknowledging this has not only helped me heal, but it has helped me appreciate the hand that I have been given. It would be easy to say that I have been dealt a crappy hand. I mean, losing my dad to suicide isn’t exactly a life event I would have asked for. However, accepting his hand and looking at my own has helped me appreciate every moment of happiness and joy that I have been able to experience.
Thank you for sharing – it connects our shattered hearts and helps as we go day by day.
This is so very true. After my husbands suicide, I have struggled with feeling guilty that life is so much calmer without him (I will never say better). Before we struggled with his alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.. After his death life is simpler, I just have to go o work and take care of our daughter. I feel guilty to the point where I won’t enjoy the calm. It’s eerie and a constant reminder that he is gone and that I miss him. I rather have the struggle than this.
I feel exactly the same way. My husband and I had an up and down relationship towards the end and that really is putting it mildly! When i think about the beginning we had wonderful happy times together but as his depression, anxiety, paranoia, ptsd and pain medication addiction took over – it also took over the person i had married. We all suffered he did, i did and sadly my children did. Eight and a half months on after he left us we still suffer the utter devastation. I used to say to him, i just want us to live in peace. It’s only now i realize the enormity of those words – the peace, the silence is deafening. I would take every crumb of that prior chaos to keep him here with us, and do more to make it better, love more and show him every second of everyday how much he meant to us. But instead i live with the guilt of not understanding my husband all the time, unkind words spoken in frustration, stupid mistakes and my inability to make him better. The guilt of raising two children without their Father. The fact that i will experience the wonders and delights of watching my children grow into men and he won’t. The list is endless and the hollow pain is bottomless. All i wanted was peace what i gained was the resounding quiet sound of his loss which is painfully deafening.
Well said, Jessica. Guilt, Survivors guilt is a beast unlike any other. As with my own experiences of suicide loss accepting my feelings, thoughts relating to survivors guilt has been a pretty tough path to walk. Made even more intense by the loss of my friend Richard on 911, it all culminated in hurting myself either through an increase in self-harm, another suicide attempt shortly after that tragic day every loss up to that point came crashing down, but as with all I have come to learn it’s when acceptance, surrender, & forgiving myself for what I believe I did or did not to do.
For me the realization that I had no power or responsibility in the loss of those lost to suicide, and I could not have known or prevented Richard’s death when that plane hit Tower 2 of the trade center. I had just moved back to San Diego from NYC two weeks before 911 and accepting that if I had still been living there on 911 he still would have died.
So as I do with all experiences in my life I work through the healing process and I share telling as I do now my personal story.
Yes we must talk about the aftermath of suicide loss that survivors go through because through the act of sharing especially when it is something uncomfortable, full of painful emotions, and free of stigma, shame or the fear of what others will think, say or do healing, understanding, and hopefully will create real change in this fight for compassionate conversations on Suicide, Loss, Mental Illness and yes acceptance will be the norm!
Thanks again for putting stuff out there! You Rock
Kimberle
I lost my dad nearly 2weeks ago to depression. I can relate to this. Your message is helpful
I lost my daughter three weeks ago. I am still in shock and filled with sadness. Thank you for this site.
Betty we are so sorry for your loss. We hope our site brings you comfort and helps you feel less alone.
My name is Brandi, im 31 years old and i have multiple mental disorders as well as a physical illness, and ive struggled woth suicide and self injury since i was a child. Recently, I’ve lost the truest friend, and most beautiful soul i’d ever known to suicide. Her name was Jillian, she was 30 years old, and she has been a part of my everyday life for at least 5 years despite the distance between us, and have been best friends since I was 19. She and I only became so close because she was the only person i’d known who shared this compulsion of self harm and suicidal tendencies… she was one of the few people in my world that knew true suffering and pain and yet, recently we both had said many times we could not take our lives due to how badly we would hurt the people in our lives’ including eachother… but something changed for her rather rapidly as she had decided in one night to make a plan, and carried it out the next morning. I am beyond devastated, but moreso because I’ve always known the pain and suffering she carried, and still was enduring over the last few months quite a nightmare (as we both had started a hospital day program earlier this year…)the only reason she was released was because she had to have a procedure done that the hospital she was at couldn’t do, so they released her early…. she never returned to them after the procedure and I knew things were getting worse for her, but things were still bad for me too…the thing is..she texted me the morning of her suicide and I never responded….at least not until it was too late which I didn’t know til a few days later… so i can’t help but ask myself over and over why I didn’t answer her that morning and if I did, would she be okay?
I know I can’t change it, I know she’s gone forever, but I just don’t know how to go on with my life. I’ve been stuck now since I went to the funeral, it’s like I’m watching everything fly by me and I can’t move, and my family doesn’t know what to do and neither do i….. can anyone help?
I think it is essential to work with a therapist who specializes in grief, specifically traumatic loss, if you can find one. Trying to process this type of loss on our own is extremely difficult. There are too many layers. Guilt is a normal experience we as survivors have. We have to question whether there was anything we could have done to change this tragic outcome. Also connecting with other survivors can be extremely helpful. Maybe there is a support group in your area? If not, there are quite a few of online forums. I know the Alliance of Hope has one, and Facebook has many closed groups.
We are so sorry that you have been touched by suicide. It can get better, but it is a process. A process that I highly encourage you not to try and do alone.
Positive thoughts and prayers sent your way!