After losing my dad to suicide in 2011, I’ve tried desperately to preserve any and all connections to him – from saving old e-mails to keeping in touch with some of his closest friends. Though he’s gone, these touch points help to keep his presence “alive.”
Recently, I’ve become saddened to learn that two people who had a significant impact on my dad’s life passed away. After feeling down for their families about their losses, I start to think about the fact there are now fewer people who will be able to share memories
with me when I see them or share in feeling sorrow over my dad’s decision. With time, the connections to him I’ve cherished so dearly start to fade away – and it troubles me.
The first loss really struck me – she was a longtime co-worker of my dad and likely one of the last people to see him alive. When we learned my dad had taken his life, I demanded we go to his office, where I hoped to find any telltale signs he had been thinking about this. I wanted to see every detail of how he had left his desk so I could put myself in his mindset to know what he was thinking. When we arrived, she was there to greet us with hugs and put on a brave face when she was likely shaken herself. We weren’t able to get to his office until a few days after he died and unfortunately, his desk had already been cleared. (I think they thought they were doing us a favor.) I broke down hysterically knowing I didn’t get to see how my dad had left things. She took time to tell me everything she saw (nothing of note) and answer all of my questions. She would go on to support us in every way she could over the years, just as she had looked after my dad (and us) for decades earlier. Aside from this, she was a wonderful, caring person and I feel sad for her children and grandchildren.
Last week, I learned another peer/colleague of my dad died elsewhere in the state. I remember he once stayed at our family’s home while on a work trip in our city and that my dad respected this man very much. While I wasn’t as close with him as I was his immediate co-worker, I still feel sadness over the loss of another living connection to someone who held a place in my dad’s heart.
Both deaths occurred naturally but unexpectedly, which likely pulled the rugs out from under their families.
I still have many other reminders and mementos of my dad, which provide comfort when I need them; including a pair of his socks I found inside one of his suitcases that I now use…. Yet, I can’t help but feel that with their losses, I also lose small pieces of him and who he was.
Are there connections to your loved one you’re thankful for?
Image from medium.com.
Hi Becky
I understand exactly what you feel like, my dad took his own life three years ago no one knew why, he had suffered with bouts of depression however I never thought it was this bad. My dad was a professional singer and saxophone player who played in the clubs around the UK- I went to support him most weekends from being around 13 up to the age of 18 when you get a bit more of a social life, however I always kept an interest in his music and went to see him perform many times.
I have those memories to hang onto, I also have a lot of my dads music which I find comforting, I have a large wine glass that he always used to drink his red wine in when he came round to see us, I now use this for my red wine and have a drink for my dad on occasions.
I had a 12 month old baby and a 4 month old baby at the time and god knows how I got through it, I guess putting my energies into the kids helped me get stronger I couldn’t let it all go I was a mum.
I miss my dad so much and wish every single day i could have just two minutes with him but I know till I meet him in heaven I won’t, he had so much to live for and is missing so much, I just hope he can see his grandchildren growing up. hope you take comfort in my message and understand that others have possessions that remind us of our loss even though the only real comfort we want is our dads back, stay strong honey and remember those memories are yours xxx
Hi Melanie – those are wonderful memories and mementos! I especially love the wine glass. 🙂
Unfortunately, I feel locked in that weird state of it just being awkward to speak of my father. I can talk to my brother or husband and that’s all. I wish I had other connections. A lot of people from his work cane to the funeral. They all had such nice things to say and stories I didn’t know. I wish I could hear more of that. It’s been a year, and it still hurts so much. I literally have the wind knocked out of me with triggers of memories each day. This site has been so much comfort to me. I feel less alone. Thank you.
I wish I could have captured everyone’s stories in writing or on a recording. I was so overwhelmed that day that I would have liked to retain them all or have a way to go back and listen.
I’ve kept my brother’s text messages, shoes and t-shirts. My 2 year now uses his old pillow case which he used as a kid (power ranger’s).
I love that your child uses the pillow case! That’s so sweet.
Comforting to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s been 10 yrs since my did died from suicide. I have his brief case exactly as he left it. I go through it when I need too. I also have his 3/4empty bottle of his favorite cologne . Old spice. I open it just to smell “him” it’s as if he is in the bottle .. When I say it .. It’s sounds sad and creepy…. But I don’t feel that way. 🙂 miss him terribly.
Sherri, I feel the same! I also grabbed a shirt he had cut the grass in and had hung on his closet door. I bunched it up and put in a bag in hopes I could forever capture the scent of the shirt.