Despite being such a strong voice in support of those who have lost a loved one to suicide, I found myself silenced in disbelief recently when someone I am very close to made an insulting comment on the topic. To this, day, I am mentally kicking myself for not speaking up, but I was so appalled and confused, I didn’t know what to do in the moment.
It was late at night, with several people sitting around gabbing. I believe the topic shifted to suicide when someone mentioned the name of a celebrity who had just taken their life. One person said, “Could you imagine how courageous you’d have to be to shoot yourself?” A few people nodded in agreement. Then, the low blow came when someone else said, “No, I think it’s actually pretty cowardly.” I was stunned. After all, THIS PERSON ATTENDED MY FATHER’S FUNERAL and has to know what kind of effect on me this would have (not only the suicide but the insult). The subject quickly changed – and for that, I was relieved. But, all of this ruined my night. My husband was there to hear this and I asked him if they could have possibly remembered that I am a survivor of suicide. He took my lead when they were talking and kept quiet and said he didn’t think they remembered. While that made me feel one percent better, it also bothered me. Whether or not they remembered, this is how they really feel. Is that what this person was thinking when they received a call about my dad or sat in the pew at the service?
I’ve thought about saying something all this time later, but I still just don’t know what to do or say without causing a major awkward situation. Like, is it worth it to me to raise a stink or to just take the higher road, leave it be and realize that unfortunately, no one will understand how hurtful words like that are unless they’ve experienced the loss of a very close loved one?
I’m reminded of a post I wrote shortly after Robin Williams died on common myths about suicide. The act being cowardly is one of them. I am further irritated that the way society talks about mental illness and suicide is so exponentially further behind where it should be. Would anyone dare to criticize the lifestyle habits of someone who died from certain types of cancer or from complications of diabetes? No. There seems to be nothing but empathy. (I use these examples because I have lost loved ones these ways and I have not heard one ill-phrased word about it.) But, comments about suicide seem to be another story. Why? And will it ever change?
Normally, I do say something in situations like this and I’m promising myself I will go back to doing so. Have you ever been bothered by someone’s insensitive comments?
One of my best friends. My BFF, the person who knows everything about me, good and bad. About a month after my husband took his life— she told me that my husband didn’t fight hard enough to live and that he wanted to die. I expected some kind of comment like that from people not close to me BUT HER? I asked her do you think people that die from cancer didn’t fight hard enough? People that die from heart disease, didn’t fight hard enough? People with asthma are just weak because they have difficulty breathing and air is all around them?
My husband SUFFERED from major depression and anxiety. He didn’t want to die. In his journal he BEGGED God not to take him to that dark place. My husband was in such pain. So much mental anguish that I cannot understand. He didn’t want to die. Needless to say, she is no longer my friend. Her inability to have empathy and not be able to look past herself. That is not somebody I need or want in my life. I wish her well but we are no longer friends. My husband was a wonderful husband, father, brother, son, doctor, and child of God. He didn’t want to die. He was in pain
It’s so surprising when someone so close can say something that is totally out of character, isn’t it?! I’m sorry you experienced an insensitive comment, too. It doesn’t make the grieving process any easier. I’m so glad you are able to see above it.
I am sorry you had to go through that, and with a friend to boot. I have dealt with that and my response was that the person is talking out of ignorance. So my job then is to educate them. Like you said, we have to teach the fact that depression and anxiety are no different than cancer or diabetes. A physical illness with invisible scars and mutilation.
Personally, I would approach that person simply to help them to understand. It would greatly benefit you as well. Friends don’t let friends wander in ignorance.
I really appreciate your comment. I think I will try to work up the courage to say something next time. I was so stunned, I just didn’t know what to do, but it won’t stop unless I say something.
My own grandma posted a comment on my daughter’s facebook page “this is what he wanted”. My daughter also struggled with depression. My grandma is Catholic and loathed my father. It’s so gut-wrenching, the things people say.
I definitely find that older generations seem to have differing viewpoints on suicide. One thing I have been fortunate to have is the LOSS program – founded by a Catholic priest of all people – who is so accepting of survivors.
This so hits home. My daughter was the most beautiful sweet innocent looking girl. Although she was 23 at the time of her suicide, she could have passed for 15 all day long. She had big beautiful brown eyes, shiny brown hair that she always fussed over and had a bright radiant white smile. She stood 5′ but had the cutest figure and as she would say “look mom”, I have a washboard tummy! She had a way of lighting up a room when she walked in and was always told that she was cute as a button. You get my point. We’ll, my bosses wife wanted to take me to lunch one day after all this happened, and she asked me if my daughter was “goth”! What does that mean? All I can say is pure ignorance.
I am sorry for the ignorance that you have had to face as we’ll.
Oh my gosh! What a weird comment. I feel like people simply need to find an “answer” as to why this happens when there really isn’t one. It’s such human nature to try to pinpoint a reason but many non-survivors seem to be out of touch.
Sorry that happened to you, Becky; but it sadly does occur all the time. As insensitive as those type comments are, I truly doubt that they are made with the intention of causing us pain. They just reinforce how ignorant the speaker is on the subjects of suicide and mental health.
It is going on 8 horrible months since I lost my wife of 46 years to suicide, after she fought valiantly during her decades-long battle with depression. I too sat silently during the first few months, but I have since taken the position that it is our responsibility to speak up, to correct the misconceptions and stereotypes that exist about these subjects. I don’t believe arguments will further our cause, but it is important to let those around us know there are other, more firmly grounded views.
The reality is that we won’t change certain people’s opinions (no matter how wrong they may be), but if by speaking up, we open just one person’s mind, then in my view, we’ve accomplished something worthwhile.
Good for you, Don! I am sorry for the loss of your wife. It’s great that you are continuing to honor her in this way by clearing up such ignorant misperceptions.
My brother-law took is life in June of this year. Several people have told me that he was a coward and selfish. After some soul searching Indecided this could be a teaching moment. I e-mailed them that I did not believe suicide was cowardly or selfish. That the person was in great emotional pain and they felt that suicide would take the pain away. This response probably did nothing to change how they truly felt,
But it did give a voice that could be heard on how I felt about the pain for families that are going through this tough journey.
Bless you all and keep strong
I feel for all of you and know how you feel. I was in a grief share group after my 13 year old grandson died from suicide. The lady leading this group, her husband died of a heart attack after leaving home to go to work, and I a sure when she got the news it was a shock. You feel as if God had a hand in that but with suicide you do not. She informed me that there were no difference in a normal death and a Suicide. I was shocked because there is a very big difference, it is just that no one wants to address the issue. I left and never went back so I joined a SUICIDE FOR SURVIVORS GROUP. She always put the people dealing with suicide on the back burner. So just letting all of you know do not join a Grief Share Group if you are dealing with a Suicide. Find someone who has experience in this. She does not know what it is like to wash your grandsons blood off his wall and furniture in his bedroom after the fact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have just approached the year anniversary of my 26 year old daughter, Katie, suicide. While there have been so much love , kindness & support throughout this devastating year, I could write a book on insensitive comments I have heard throughout this year.
One of the worst was about 2 months ago. I was at my aunt’s house for a small cookout. My son, cousin & my cousin ‘s friend, who I had met maybe 5 times, were there. The friend knew my daughter died of suicide.
After dinner we were all enjoying a glass of wine & great conversation all of us having a very relaxing evening. All of the sudden,out of the blue, this guy says ” the catholic belief is that anyone who commits suicide goes straight to hell, no stopping just down as fast as they can go”
I blew up, which I rarely do, I said I can’t believe that just came out of your mouth. I called him insensitive & a few good curse words & left. Luckily my aunt & cousin were applaud also & he has not been around since.
I was physically ill for 3 weeks after that. Couldn’t eat, vomiting ext. I couldn’t go to work for a few days because how sick I was. So a peaceful, enjoyable evening one extremely insensitive comment turned that evening into complete hurt & devistation.
Another comment came from a woman I work with occasionally. She just walked over & said “there had to be signs that she was going to do this. You didn’t see them? Are you for real?? I would of jumped in front of a train to save my daughter!!!
At social events, please I’m here to be some what “normal”. Please I don’t want your “words of wisdom “. I’d like to have a little enjoyment in my life. I need to get away from the excruciating pain for a few hours.
Many people have said they don’t know what to say to me. There is nothing you can say to take away my pain. Just be there & show them you support & care. Lots of prayers, loving hugs even with no words said. Follow my lead…if I want to talk, listen. If I don’t want to talk don’t try to drag things out of me.
I have many other insensitive comments made to me. As I said I think I could write a book about what to say & how to treat someone that has lost a loved one to suicide.
Peggy
Wow, Peggy, those are two shocking and unfortunate comments. It’s great that you felt courageous enough to set the offenders straight. I’m sorry you had to experience this.
I’ve suffered 2 suicide losses – my son 6 years ago and my father 33 years ago.
For 33 years, I have heard insensitive, and sometime cruel, comments. And in all of that time, I don’t know of anyone who has truly been awakened from their ignorance about suicide. They may seem to ‘get it’ for a short time, but they quickly bounce back to their ignorant views, just like a rubber band.
Most times, I would agree that the insensitive comments aren’t delivered with exact evil intention. But there is certainly a lack of compassion when these unsympathetic remarks are uttered, especially directed toward a person suffering profound grief.
Why is this? Is it basic human nature? Are people selfish, uncaring and detached? In my opinion, our society has deteriorated in so many aspects, most importantly in the area of compassion and kindness. People are busy, busy and oh so very busy (with lots of nonsense stuff). Families are often distant. People generally don’t listen to others for the purpose of understanding. And, too many people think they are know-it-alls. They want to tell their opinion; they don’t care about your view or your loved one’s difficulties.
Long ago, I read this quote in a newspaper “Polite conversation does not effect change.” I have come to believe this is all-too-often true. So, I’ve changed my tactic during the last couple of years when I hear a thoughtless comment about suicide. Instead of telling the person something in an attempt to educate them, I now say something that will shame them. And the shaming is usually done in the form of questions. The more often I do this, the easier it has become. Responding in this way has turned the tables, so to speak. Instead of me being the uncomfortable one, I ask a question (often rhetorical) so that the other person feels uncomfortable.
“People Never Forget How You Made Them Feel” …. this works both ways.
Cathy, I love so much about what you shared and would love to even hear an example of how you’ve rephrased a comment or question to someone so I can consider using this tactic myself!
Becky, When I saw the title to this topic “Feeling Insulted with Comments About Suicide” arrive in my email inbox, I just *knew* it was written by you. You are bold and gutsy. I like your style!
Yes, I have examples that I’ll provide in another post, but keep in mind that my comments and questions often alienate people. Oh well. I’d rather have an authentic friend than a fake friend.
First of all, kudos to Jenny, as she provided a good example in the first post above:
Penny’s BFF told her that her husband didn’t fight hard enough to live and that he wanted to die.
Penny asks BFF ”do you think people that die from cancer didn’t fight hard enough? People that die from heart disease, didn’t fight hard enough? People with asthma are just weak because they have difficulty breathing and air is all around them?”
Needless to say, she is no longer my friend.
==============
Penny’s questions obviously made her BFF very uncomfortable. I applaud Penny for having the courage to ask these questions just one month after her husband’s suicide. I know I didn’t have that kind of strength so soon after the suicides of my dad or my son.
MORE to come……
Example of response to insensitivity:
A long-time ‘friend’/colleague of mine boasts about being upbeat, friendly, kind, and helpful. Mostly, she is all of those things, but she can also be very robotic with annoying platitudes.
I started working with her again about a year after my son died. She knew my son, adored him, and attended his memorial service. She is a mother of two children.
The Monday morning after Mother’s Day, I arrived at the office and, with several others in the office area, she cheerily welcomes me with “Hi Cathy, How was your weekend? Was it fabulous?” I froze in place (because I was stunned) and stared at her with my eyes wide. She looked perplexed and then asked “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” I responded “How do you think my weekend was?” and continued staring at her waiting for her answer. She then said “Oh I get it; Mother’s Day.” I said “Yes, so how do you imagine my weekend was without my son? Do you think it was fabulous?”
I am interested in an example too, please.
Below are 10 examples of insensitive comments that many of us have heard.
I’ve provided examples of a response to 7 of the comments.
For the last 3 comments, perhaps others would like to share some of their ideas of how to respond.
“He took the easy way out.”
RESPONSE: My husband took the easy way out? So, he should have taken the hard way out? Please explain the hard way out. And when you describe the ‘hard way out’ that my husband could have taken, do my feelings matter to you at all? Do you care how insensitive your comments are?
“If he loved you so much why did he hurt you this way?”
RESPONSE: Are you saying that you think my son’s goal was to hurt me? I am appalled. Have you given much thought to my son’s lifelong struggles? Since you’ve known my son for so long, please share with me what you thought about some of his most serious struggles.
“Anyone who ends their life by suicide didn’t go to heaven. They’re in hell.”
RESPONSE: You’re telling me that my wife is in hell right now? If you care about me at all, why would you say that to me? Please explain.
“Only crazy people kill themselves.”
RESPONSE: Oh really? Did you always think my dad was crazy? If you didn’t always think he was crazy, when did you decide he was crazy? Please tell me the specific traits that you deemed as being crazy.
“Don’t talk about him. It’s too upsetting.”
RESPONSE: Too upsetting for who? You? Where is your care or regard toward me? You want me to NOT talk about my grandson? Really? How would you feel if I told you that I didn’t want to hear anything you have to say about your grandson?
“You’re still upset? You should be over it by now.”
RESPONSE: I should be over it? Over IT? What is “it”? You’re calling my dad “it”? Or are you calling my grief “it”? How insensitive of you to place judgment on my timeline of grief after the unexpected loss of my dear dad.
“Your child chose to die. That is unacceptable.”
RESPONSE: What is totally unacceptable are your comments to me. I view your comments as mean-spirited and unkind. Why would you want to hurt my feelings?
“You didn’t see the signs of suicide? Don’t you feel guilty?”
RESPONSE:
“Suicide is inherited. Aren’t you worried about your other family?”
RESPONSE:
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
RESPONSE:
Yes Becky. I also have been quite insulted by someone’s comment regarding suicide. While I know they didn’t mean it the way it sounded, my son did not take the “easy way out.”
This was said by someone who worked with my son before he graduated high school and then again when he returned home after serving in the Marine Corp.
My son was stationed in D.C. after his training at Parris Island, SOI and ATI. His main duty was what is called Dover duty. Which is, for non-military families, the dignified transfer of fallen Marines…up to and including transport, funeral and firing party (21 gun salute). He did this and lead his Dover team and Firing party for two years. It wasn’t until after his death that I found out how many “dignified transfers” he actually handled….approximately two thousand. And of those two thousand, he lead his Firing party in at least seven hundred.
After this two year assignment, he went to the West coast to deployment training; left in March of 2012 and returned from a seven month tour of duty in the Helmand Province of Afghanistan in October 2012. Again, I didn’t find out until after his death that he and his unit were helo-dropped behind enemy lines and encountered a six day fire fight to gain control of the targeted area.
His company was a mobile unit. They were the first to go in and secure an area for replacements to come behind them and then on the move again. Besides what he went through in Afghanistan; he was dealing with depression beforehand due to serious, terminal issues regarding his Dad at home from almost the time after he joined. Add to that two years of receiving the remains of fallen Marines, either escorting those remains to the families, participating in the funerals and/or performing 21 gun salutes AND not being able to have personal contact with grieving families; but seeing and experiencing the pain and grief day in and day out…
This man compared my son’s suicide to his brother-in-laws suicide of years past and then had the lack of thought to say they took the easy way out. Because we were all still here living through the struggles of life? I don’t know what his experience was with his brother-in-law; but I do know mine.
Again, I don’t think he meant anything by it, but it still bothers me to this day how anyone could be so thoughtless as to say something like that to a Mother that had just lost her son. I mean this was less than a month after he died. And it was this way every time I went shopping at this particular store. I finally had to stop shopping during the hours I knew he would be there.
One day I plan to talk to him about it. Not for me but for him. He is a very religious man but think he is missing the point about suicide. If my son had not been in such pain and in such a dark, desperate place he would never have left me with the sorrow and pain I now carry.
Suicide is not the easy way out. At that point in time for the person in that deep dark place; it is the only way out.
Donna – your son truly is a hero for his service to this country and for fighting his brave battle against depression for so long. I am sorry for your loss, and for the insensitive comments you’ve received.
When my mother died her aunt said that “If she died then it was meant to be. It was God’s plan.”
For as long as I live that comment will never make sense to me.
A friend of mine texted me soon after my mother died and said “I’m angrier than you are right now.” As if our emotions were competing with one another.
More than anything I am just baffled when people say things like this.
Great post. Sorry to hear you had to deal with that. I lost my father to suicide and have had the same situation happen.
To me, in alot of ways those comments from friends, or people close, are disappointing as anything. When I don’t know the person well, it does shape my view of them. While everyone is entitled to their own view, sometimes those views are shaped out of pure ignorance on a subject. Being a survivior of suicide makes some of those comments so personal that the ignorance feels insulting. It’s hard to pick out times that are right to try and help further the conversation about mental illness and suicide.
What bothers me is that some of the comments now seem to come from people as casually as any other phrase. For instance (and excuse the example) a co-worker saying they would throw themselves out a window over something trivial at work, I’ve heard as casually as “good morning”. And you are right. . What do you say, when do you say it, and is it worth it.