In the wake of losing a loved one to suicide, it’s common to pour over every detail of their final days, including last conversations. Filled with guilt, survivors may wonder if things that were said – or maybe not said – could have made a difference. I think that because suicide is so shocking and lacks closure, we reach for something – or someone – to blame.
I remember in the weeks leading up to my dad’s death, I could tell he wasn’t feeling like himself. He was visibly deteriorating, but the thought he might take his own life was the furthest from anyone’s mind. My upbeat suggestions that he “shake” whatever he was going through seemed well-received, but nothing changed. He continued to be hermit-like in his home office, reading, writing and reflecting most hours of the day. At some point, I’m sure my gentle suggestions to get out of his funk took on a more authoritative tone. I remember him responding to a final “pep talk” email I sent him with “you’re right, thank you.” I thought I might eventually make progress and see/have my “old” dad back. We all know that never happened. Did I say too much? Did he think he was burdening us with his depression because I kept hounding him? If I had left him alone, would he not have felt “pressure” to leave?
It’s tough to accept, but something we need to understand is that suicide is bigger than any conversation. The decision to die by suicide is complex and fueled by a battle with mental illness and depression – not something we did or didn’t say. When a person determines they wish to take their own life, it is often the case that NOTHING a loved one does, says or doesn’t say will make a difference. Whether or not they have articulated it, death actually/irrationally feels like a better solution for the unbearable pain of someone with depression than the thought of living with it.
Guilt over interactions and last conversations before suicide is something no survivor should be left with. Sometimes, this guilt can go away with time, but I found it helpful to talk through it during LOSS support group meetings and with my own grief therapist. While I initially worried about boring her, my grief therapist has heard me rehash every detail and last word dozens of times. Because of that, I have been able to arrive at a place of acceptance. I accept that there is no real blame to assign besides upon the grip of mental illness. Even if I could go back and rephrase things I said or erase them from the airwaves altogether, that’s not to say this still wouldn’t have happened – then or at another time. It took a while, but I try to look back at the happier times and how my dad lived before depression took over. I have to think that’s how he would prefer it, anyway.
Thank you. This post really helps me with feeling guilty and that I could have said something different. Nothing would have changed my dads mind and it is really hard to believe that.
I’m glad you found this helpful, Monica. I meant to add in the post at one point that there’s probably a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality with things said. If I hadn’t have said anything, I’m sure I would have wished I did. And, from saying things, I wonder if it would have made a difference if I hadn’t. Like I said, I have to believe the outcome would have been the same anyway. It’s a very tough thing to accept, but I’ve made peace with it.
Thank You so much for this article. My mother died by suicide a year ago and I have beat myself up many times over the last conversations. I tried to always stay upbeat when talking to her as she suffered from major depression. I always tried to bring her spirits up as best I could. But I wonder if in reality it made her feel worse. The last conversation went that way, and with her saying “Thank You, I feel better now”. But did she? Hours later she took her own life. Thank You again, this article really helped me.
Thank you so much .I loss my only sister a year ago and thought what I could have said different over and over again.It’s hard to even comprehend I talked to her daily ,I truly struggle with the were the signs in front of me and I was too busy talking instead of listening. ♡
My Therapyst has assured me that I did everything right ( addiction) was also involved. That once a person has a plan for suicide there is nothing you can do to change their plan. No one is to blame, not even the person who completed suicide. In my head I know this but I am so broken my heart still has a hard time accepting it. If only I could’ve/would’ve done something ????? And Why ????