August marks four years since my dad took his life. Some days, it feels as fresh and raw as when I first learned of his death. On others, it seems like a lifetime ago. I still shake my head in disbelief when I think about my dad – my dad – making the decision to die this way. I remember sitting in my first few LOSS meetings listening to moderators who were five or ten years out from their loved one’s passing thinking, “you have no idea how I feel right now, your loved one died years ago! How can you relate?!” Now that I am inching into their shoes, I can appreciate that the passage of time really makes no difference when a suicide is involved. It leaves an imprint on your soul that even years cannot rinse away.
Two weeks ago, I posted about some of the things I learned in the very early hours and weeks following my dad’s death back in August 2011. Today, I am reflecting on the lessons that have surfaced in the years since. I think it’s safe to say that whether it’s been 10 days or 10 years (or more), the effects of living through a loved one’s suicide will continue to evolve and impact survivors in various ways. As a new survivor, I hated when I heard people say that “time heals.” I didn’t believe it and I didn’t want to hear it. However, I can say that time has molded my grief away from the sick, punched-in-the-gut feeling, into what I would equate to a backpack or dark cloud that I carry or pull along with me in the background.
And Here’s What I’ve Learned…
- I eventually smiled and laughed again. This is something that initially seemed impossible. In the early days, I felt like I was seated on a roller coaster with enormous drops. I couldn’t shake the physically ill, nauseating sensations that took over my entire body. From there, I moved into a dense fog. I existed but simply went through the motions required each day just to get by. Many months down the line, I surprised myself by smiling and laughing again. It may be too early to believe that now, but just know it will eventually happen.
- There came a night and a morning where my loss wasn’t the last or first thought of the day. This, too, took quite some time. I remember waking up with my alarm clock hoping that each new day would reveal this was all a nightmare. And, at night, hoping I didn’t have a nightmare about it. I still think about it pretty much every day, but it’s not the only thing that enters my mind. Similarly, his Aug. 18 date of death always felt like this looming thing on my calendar. I checked out some books at the library this week and noted on the receipt that the date due was Aug. 18 and it stopped there. Only 10 minutes later on my way home did the coincidence register. I actually look at this as a good thing. I don’t think any of our loved ones would want us hanging our hats on their last day.
- I eventually regained motivation. I stopped working out, spending time with friends and pursuing my favorite hobbies for a while after my dad died. I remember asking a grief counselor if I could ever expect to get back to my usual self. While I still make other excuses for working out, I was able to shake the continual mantra that had been running through my mind at the time, “I can’t do this because my dad just died.”
- Time helps, but nothing fully “healed” the loss of my dad to suicide. I learned to lower my expectations for grief recovery. I remember wanting a magic answer to how long it would take to get over my dad’s death. Unfortunately, there wasn’t one. But now I know not to ever expect it to “go away.”
- There’s now life “before” and “after” the suicide. That said, many survivors, including me, now look at life pre- and post- suicide. There was life the way it “used to be” and life now in the new normal. “After” and “new-normal” doesn’t necessarily mean bad or worse off. Suicide loss is just such a traumatic thing that it becomes a tear in the page of your favorite book.
- I realized I may never have closure. I still don’t know what fully drove my dad to do this, or why he did it in the spot he chose or the method he selected, etc. I will never have those answers and as much as it pains me to not have that closure, I understand that it’s part of this ugly thing called suicide.
- No one else will understand – except fellow survivors. Friends and even extended family members who were so eager to help and provide support in the early days have now all but forgotten what I’m still dealing with. I’m shocked when I hear insensitive comments about mental illness or suicide innuendos and remind myself that unfortunately, no one else will “get it” unless they’ve experienced what I have.
- I need to look out for me. I am very mindful of how I’m feeling at all times and don’t hesitate to seek help, in traditional or alternative forms, to make sure that I am feeling the best I can.
I know these are just a few of the lessons I will continue to learn as I progress forward as a survivor. I’m so thankful for LOSS and the wonderful survivor friends I have made over the years who have helped reveal some of these teachings to me.
I’m curious to hear about the lessons you’ve learned.
It is 4 years since I lost my son and I would say what I have learned is very similar. I have also learned to accept I will never know why he did it. I have learned to value the small things in life much more and I don’t worry about material things, in fact I don’t worry about much. There is a huge strength that comes from living through your worst nightmare, surviving and learning that you can have a good life. It doesn’t mean you loved them any less. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Anne. I’m glad you found this helpful. I too have found I don’t worry about the things I used to before (clothes, having “things,” etc). I even decided to pull back on working full time.
Becky, thank you for providing some hope that this will ease eventually. Right now my loss of two grandsons , one was killed 18 months ago the second was by his own hands on December 28th., is so much bigger than me .My grandson Trevon lived with us for almost a year before his suicide and I was the last person in our family to see him on that dreadful day. Some days I’m just plain mad because I missed it, he was laughing and talking to me about his future when I left him then six hours later he was gone.
He knew what he was going to do and didn’t give me the chance to help him or talk him out of ending his life. Why couldn’t I see it ? Living with that thought every day is too much and I can’t get past it your words are encouraging , and I look forward to the day that I can take this mask off and perhaps have a real smile. But it’s not happening today.
Hi Ellen – I’m so sorry for the loss of both of your grandsons. That must be so difficult. I understand what you are saying about missing the signs or wondering if there was anything that could have been done. It’s easy to feel similarly.
I can not imagine losing two grandson’s, I only lost one!! I can relate to your story Ellen, I lost my grandson to Suicide. I am 5 years into it and still trying to figure out how a 13 year old that had everything going for him could put a gun to his heard and pull the trigger. He was a very respectful young man, was always on the honor roll at school already had a car paid for so when he turned 16 it would be his, so much to look forward too. I have finally given up on trying to figure it all out. After 5 long years I have decided to let it go, there are just something’s that I can not change and I have wore myself out trying to put all the pieces together and I have accepted the fact that it was his choice. I still love him and miss him and still think about him. I started reading about DEPRESSION and how it makes you feel about yourself . I pray for all who have lost loved ones to SUICIDE it is very painful ordeal to have to learn to deal with!!! I want to thank you BECKY FOR THIS SITE!! As I cannot find a Suicide Group close to me and it does help to get relief from the pain that SURVIVORS are feeling!! SO GLAD TO HAVE FOUND THIS SITE!!!! THANK YOU BECKY!!!!
Thank you for the kind words, Eva. I am so glad you find this site so helpful. Something else I really appreciated were the forums for survivors on the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors website, which allowed me to connect with others. Check those out if you haven’t! The site is listed under our resources page. They offer a lot of forums based on different topics.
Becky,
Thank you for this insightful post. It has been 5 and a half years since my brother-in-law made that fateful decision for himself. It was 2 weeks before my son’s wedding, and I found it coloring my daughter’s wedding this past weekend – even after so much time had past.
The grief of suicide is very different – and, as you said, something others just don’t understand. My issue is anger. He had estranged himself from us, and our attempts at rebuilding relationship had failed. He has taken that away from us. Yes, I am still angry. My husband’s anger has softened from furious to just anger. But that is a huge part of the reaction for us.
I also think we need to put it out in the open. I struggled with the attempts of everyone to sweep it under the rug. A colleague suggested that I just tell people that he had been sick for a long time and we didn’t know it. Maybe there is an element of truth in that, but that is not what happened.
Thank you for being strong enough to put your feelings out there.
Thank you for this post. I just came home from my first vacation since my dad killed himself. (Literally my bags aren’t unpacked). It was my first vacation in six yrs to the jersey shore where I have so many good memories of him that it was hard not to get too caught up in the nostalgia and get depressed and sidetracked. But I didn’t. And I think that’s where the “time” aspect comes in to play.
Everything you said rings true for me.
Thanks again.
Thank you.