One question that I have been asked by many survivors is, “When will the guilt end?” I see the desperation in their eyes, and remember the overwhelming weight that I carried on my own shoulders following the loss of my father. We question what we could have done differently to prevent the tragic outcome that has become our reality. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the element of guilt. I have written many posts on the topic, because I believe the magnitude of our guilt often prevents us from grieving the loss of the loved one we lost to suicide. While I cannot speak for others, I can share my own thoughts in hopes that it resonates with someone else who may be struggling to release their own guilt.
I have learned a lot about guilt in the years following the loss of my father. I think the biggest lesson and the one that brought me my own peace is acknowledging that guilt cannot be taken away from us. It must be RELEASED by us. It is up to us to let go, and forgive not only our loved one, but ourselves. Why do we hold on to our guilt? I held on tightly to my own guilt, not allowing anyone’s words of encouragement to break through. “There is nothing you could have done,” I was told. “It was his choice, not yours.” I heard it, but I didn’t believe it. This is difficult for those who have not experienced a loss by suicide to understand. To others it seems so clear; it was THEIR actions, not YOURS. Others do not understand why we can’t just “let it go.” Here is why. Because, letting go of our guilt often feels like we are letting go of the person we lost. How can you let go of someone whose life ended so tragically? It just doesn’t seem right. How can you move forward knowing that your loved one was in so much pain, that death appeared to be the only option. This belief is what impacted my own ability to release the guilt.
I truly believe that we have to release our own guilt. Nobody could convince me that nothing I could have done would have prevented his death. I had to convince myself. That is how I released my own guilt. I had to acknowledge that letting go of the guilt did not mean that I was letting go of my dad. While I have let go of the guilt, I still continue to hold on tightly to my dad. I always will. I have forgiven myself for not preventing his death, by acknowledging that more “I love you’s”, more phone calls, more visits, etc would not have prevented his death. Why? Because just like nobody else could take away my guilt, I could not have taken away his pain. Nobody could.
I like to think that I have redirected my guilt. I am open and honest when someone asks how my dad died. When people ask what I do, I tell them about this blog and the counseling services I provide. It is not always easy and is sometimes met with that infamous “deer in headlights” look. I was once asked if I ever fear that people will be “turned off” when I reveal so much about myself. My response was simple. If you are turned away by my story, than you are turned away by me. It is part of who I am, and the person I am today. Unfortunately suicide carries a stigma. What others don’t understand is that we, the survivors, are the ones that feel the weight of that stigma. The stigma often prevents us from releasing our guilt. I talk to help end the stigma. I know that my father did not choose to die that day. He chose the only option that he felt would take away his pain. I know that. Now, I just need to convince the rest of the world.
Excellent post Jessica! Guilt still rears its ugly head, but I am working on releasing it.
Thank you Michelle! I think guilt will always pop up throughout our lives. It just becomes less prevalent. It is by far the hardest part of the grief journey.
I love this, Jessica. It is such a good point when you say “I know that my father did not choose to die that day. He chose the only option that he felt would take away his pain. I know that. ” I work to convince myself of that everyday. My boyfriend would say, ” I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to hurt anymore”. I understand and respect it, but unfortunately doesn’t necessarily make it easier on those left behind.
This was great and I can relate to this side of SUICIDE!! I released my guilt when I attended his classes graduation in 2014 . I did not realize I was feeling guilt as I had no one to explain this to me but I did feel a release of this feeling. Guilt puts added pressure on the SURVIVORS AND THAT CAUSES HALTH ISSUES. As a result of this pressure I now deal with HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THIS INFO.
Everything you said about the guilt is how I have felt. Others don’t understand why I want to talk about it, rather than shutting it down. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone.
Great article. I feel the guilt every day. I try to remember that he is at peace. Others who have not gone through this do not understand. I still feel as his wife I should have saved him.
I am glad the article was helpful for you Michele. I think as survivors we will always feel like we should have saved the person we lost. It is only human nature. Please know that we understand, and you are not alone!
I loss my father May 25 2015, Unfortunately I was the one who found him and really am having hard time, Your wright about the stigma , I cant belive some of the people in my life .Even my mother displays anger at me for some reason, I really need some help. Thank You. Lori
Lori, I am so sorry for your loss. Those first few months are extremely difficult as you are trying to figure out what in the heck just happened. Finding the person adds another layer to the pain….trauma. I highly recommend working with a therapist. One that specializes in both grief and trauma. Many survivors do not realize that PTSD can manifest itself in the months following the loss. PTSD, makes it difficult to work through the grief. I also highly recommend finding a support group in your area. Under the resources and book tab on our homepage, we have a link to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention’s site where you can find a group in your area. Being with others who TRULY understand what you are going through is very helpful. The group I attended helped me heal in more ways than one. Please know that you are not alone. We hope that our posts continue to help you on your journey. We know it is not an easy one. The pain does become less intense, with the right help. Please reach out at anytime!
Thank you for this blog. My son passed 29 days ago and the guilt as a mother consumes my every thought. I know it is a journey to learn to live with my sons choice to end his pain. Thank you again.
I am so sorry for your loss Denise. We hope that our blog can help you heal. We know that it is not an easy journey.
Wow! Everyone’s words are truely powerful. I lost the love of my life, my boyfriend of 6+ years, four months ago. I feel guilty every single day. My thoughts and actions are consumed by this tragedy. I don’t know how to be my normal self anymore and I feel extremely guilty because I wasn’t physically there for him the last 6 weeks of his life. No one understands, and I’m so confused and angry with God I don’t know what to do, there’s nothing I can do. I send every single person who is struggling with suicide thoughts and the survivors the most genuine love from my heart and soul.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I often tell survivors that we have to learn to live in our “new normal.” Expecting to go back to the person we were prior to the loss of our loved one, is simply not feasible. I can promise you that the pain does become less intense, and life can get better again. It often just takes some time, and some work.
Thank you for sharing. I lost my 15year old son to suicide in February of this year. It hasn’t been easy but unlike many others he left a note. He let us know he loves us very much and he wanted us to know that we tried to help him but his pain never diminished. That was the only way he knew how to stop the pain. So even though it hurts very much, I don’t have that guilt of I didn’t do enough. No matter what I did he had his mind made up. I miss him greatly and he left us with many funny memories and crazy stories that we tell each other when one of us is having a bad day. He will always be in my heart.
Tomorrow 8/3/15 is the 8th anniversary of my son’s passing. Guilt is not a daily thing anymore but it’s still there nudging me every now and then. I just feel so empty, still….ugh. One day at a time for me.
One day at a time. That is all we can do!
I lost my best friend on Friday and the guilt I feel is almost unbearable. She had texted my boyfriend asking for me to forgive her for something she did but I wouldn’t do it and then the next day I found out she killed herself. I feel guilty because what if I had told her I forgave her would she still have done it. When does it go away?
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish I could tell you when the guilt goes away. Unfortunately, it is different for everyone. It truly is up to us, the survivor, to release the guilt. Your loss is very new. You are likely still in shock, trying to make sense out of what just happened. I highly recommend working with a grief therapist to help process all that has happened. Both Becky and I attended a support group after losing our fathers. I recommend a group to anyone who has lost someone to suicide. Being with others that TRULY understand how you are feeling is incredibly powerful. We have a link under our resources section to the AFSP site that lists groups in your area.
This was very helpful I lost brother almost 3 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy that this post was helpful for you. I hope you can relate to future posts as well.
Hi Jessica – thank you for this post.
One aspect of this grief thing I cannot seem to get around is that saying that “there was nothing I could have done,” while on some level is comforting (and true in the sense that no one can control anyone else), makes me feel like suicide was inevitable. Saying that I could not take my loved one’s pain, that no one could, feels to me like it condemns the person who took their own life as having no other choice and that healing was not possible. Of course, saying that there WAS something I could have done brings me back to the black spiral of guilt and associated compendium of stigma, panicky depression and loss of sense of any meaning at all in life. This is the catch-22 I’ve been in since 2008, compounded in 2013.
Megan, I have struggled with this as well. I myself do not like thinking suicide was inevitable for my dad. I often think about my dad’s illness like cancer. If he had cancer, there truly was nothing I could have done to heal him. I would have supported him, and been there for him but I could not have saved his life. What is difficult about a mental illness is that the struggle is often not seen by others. Our loved ones spent years concealing their pain. Had we have known, maybe we could have offered more support. But at the end of the day, we all did the best we could.
I feel extremely guilty. I was such a jerk to my mother. The last discussion I remember having with her was an argument over pizza.
We are so sorry for your loss. We hope that you can find support in our posts. Both Becky and myself have struggled with guilt following our fathers’ suicide. Initially it is hard to see past our own actions the minutes, days, even weeks prior to our loved ones death. What I can promise, that in time you start to see past your own actions. I highly recommend the book, “Dying to be Free.” In this book, the author uses a glass of water to explain suicide. If you set a glass of water under a slow, dripping faucet, it would take many drops to make the glass of water overflow. Suicide is often like this. It isn’t the last drop that made the glass overflow, but the thousands of drops prior. I love this analogy, because it challenges how we look at suicide.
Thank you for writing this. It’s been 10 years today since witnessing my mother’s suicide and I still struggle with the guilt. My depression led to the end of my marriage and trouble holding a job.
We don’t often hear about the magnitude of the ripple effects following a suicide. Relationships, specifically marriages, are often hit the hardest. I hope you can find healing and support in our words. You are certainly not alone!
I’m glad this was shared on a strangers wall. I look for every opportunity to try and understand Why? But as has been mentioned there are more often than not many whys and not just one reason but the final reason will be the final straw that broke the camels back so to speak.many friends and family are left asking themselves if I did this or that then maybe it wouldn’t have happened… The sad reality for most is that there were probably so many events that did go wrong that even when the one good thing in life did go right…it was barely recognise able because there were still 19 other things going wrong. A person does not just wake up and say” I might take my life today!” No! Believe it or not suicide is often planned over a period of time it is not normally an act of spontaneity…the sad reality is that life really has become not worth living for most because the trials far outweigh the triumphs. Many have quite simply made too many wrong choices not all suicides are due to mental illness… I actually feel many are blaming mental illness for far too many sad facts when the truth often is that some bad choices are made out of addiction, or refusal to take medicine etc these are quite simply bad choices and not so much because they’re mentally ill.
You are correct, that many suicides have been thought about for many years. However, over 90% of suicides are a result of a diagnosable mental illness, and almost every addiction is the result of an underlying mental illness. I think the problem is more related to society’s perception of mental illness. We often do not associate everyday anxiety and depression with mental illness, but it is. So yes, there are always exceptions to the rule hence the 10ish% that die by suicide that do not have a diagnosable mental illness. These suicides are often impulsive.
It is a myth that 90% of suicides are the result of a mental disorder that is perpetuated to make people feel better in thinking there was nithinf they could do. What an awful fate to condemn someone to! Suicide, like mental illness in general, is way more often caused by poverty, unemployment, isolation, childhood trauma…as in external factors that we as a society totally could do something about if we had the political will. It’s also a myth that most suicides are impulsive. Many think about it for a long time and struggle in silence (not mainly because of stigma but because “help” either doesn’t exist or is prohibitively expensive) before finally seeing no other option.
Unfortunately this is not a myth. NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness), Mental Health American and AFSP have all reported this number based on decades of research. Not everyone has a diagnosed mental illness when they complete suicide; however, many were suffering in silence at the time of their death. In my opinion, the stigma surrounding mental illness is another contributing factor as we don’t discuss how everyday anxiety and depression IS a mental illness, caused by deficiencies in our brain. My dad in particular suffered with everyday anxiety and depression, but like so many others, didn’t reach out for help because he felt there was something wrong with him. Many external factors add to or create depression. Depression is a brain disease. I wish society would view mental illness how it should be viewed; as a brain disease. It isn’t any more in our control than all of the other diseases that exist.
The biomedical model, or the chemical imbalance theory, is what’s the myth.; there is no evidence for it. It contributes to stigma, too.
http://chriskresser.com/the-chemical-imbalance-myth/
http://bigthink.com/devil-in-the-data/the-chemical-imbalance-myth
https://www.families.com/blog/depression-the-myth-of-chemical-imbalance
And it actually IS a myth that 90% of suicides are the result of a mental illness. First of all, we know so little about the brain (any neuroscientist worth their salt will tell you that the more we learn about the brain, the more we learn how little we know and how much there is to learn). Who’s to say what’s “normal” vs. “sick” when supposed specialists can’t even tell?
http://www.bonkersinstitute.org/rosenhan.html
Second, decades of research have shown that environmental failure is the greater cause of suicide. Sick environments make sick people. Those “decades of research” are based on the really unreliable data of “psychological autopsies.” At most, maybe half of all suicides are caused by a psychological disorder.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leah-harris/a-radical-new-direction-f_b_9838932.html
I wish more people would dig deeper and not just take what mainstream culture says about mental illness to be the truth. Just because NAMI or some other (Big Pharma-funded) organization says it does not mean it’s true. We’d be a lot further along in how we understand mental and emotional distress if more people took the time to understand what’s really going on.
Well if we can agree on one thing, its that we both want to end the stigma that surrounds both suicide and mental illness. Hopefully we can both continue to work to end it!
Definitely! 🙂
Thank you. My 18 year old daughter died by suicide at college 12 years ago. I gave her her biological inheritance and her environment, and I’ve never been able to forgive myself for her death. She was so young and had so much to look forward to, that I think if only I could have been a better mother. The stigma of suicide has made it harder, as friends of mine even said how angry they were with her for doing this. I can’t blame her, she lost more than any of us.