“The life of the party…” It’s a phrase I’ve heard many survivors use when describing a loved one lost to suicide. I frequently say the same thing about my dad; he could take over a room with his jokes, he had a contagious belly laugh and he was known for his quick wit. In addition to breathing life into a party, he often planned them. We celebrated big things, little things and everything in between – from half birthdays to good grades. For my wedding reception, my dad went out and got a bunch of cigars for attendees to enjoy in
Smiling through furniture assembly
celebratory fashion. On his birthday, he would stop at a bakery to pick up éclairs for co-workers. When the Milwaukee Brewers resumed another season of Spring Training, he held a themed party in their honor. The man loved a good party. How then, could someone who had such a proverbial zest for life, give it all up?
I remember seeing a Time Magazine article on this topic shortly after Robin Williams died, entitled “Why the Funniest People Are Sometimes the Saddest.” One excerpt that resonated with me included, “The funniest people I know seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.” The comedian author goes on to say he knows at least eight peers who have died by suicide.
While it sounds like Robin may have faced his “demons” fairly publicly for a while, I will never know if my dad used his humor as a way to bury the torment he felt inside. On the surface, his visible depression seemed to come out of nowhere and escalate very quickly…in a matter of a few weeks. Yet, he lived this ‘life of the party’ persona for 64 years. Just how long he contemplated suicide is the one question I continue to mull over.
I’ve said before that he once told my brother and me that nothing was so bad in life that we’d ever have to resort to suicide. When he first died, I thought, “wait, you told us we could never do this, so why did you?” Then my wheels begin to turn. Why would he have thought to bring this up with us at such a young age? Was it something already filed away in the back of his mind, or am I trying to find an answer where there really isn’t one? Another part of me thinks he brought this up before he ever could have appreciated what the
Posing before a father-daughter dance
darkness of depression is really like. I also remember feeling unlike myself several years ago. My dad suggested I come home to have a talk about it. I explained I just wasn’t feeling like I should and he gave me a book he had for years called “Being Happy.” There were several highlighted passages inside… I gave him a hard time in that moment, saying that a book wasn’t the solution to what I was feeling. (He seemed defeated.) As my internal wheels continue to turn, I now question why he had that book all those years ago.
You see, this is the never-ending puzzle survivors work to piece together in the aftermath of a loss. Unlike a death from nearly any other cause, we just don’t and won’t have proper closure when a loved one chooses to die by suicide. Was he so funny and seemingly full of life to overcompensate for the feelings he was juggling inside? I just don’t believe that was the case. I think he enjoyed being a jokester until something completely out of his control took over. I’m fortunate for the lifetime of remarkable memories he left behind, which seem to overshadow the way in which he died.
My wife, Rosanne, made her decision in September 2014, not so long after Robin William’s death. People asked me if I had discussed his death with Rosanne. I hadn’t, why should I ? – as why would I ever think my beloved wife would contemplate something like his decision?. But she like, Robin Williams, always introduced smiles and laughter into a room full of people.
And so to contact friends and colleagues after her death they were equally disbelieving as her external persona didn’t equate to decision she made and the legacy of her life.
Andy
Wow Andy, My Son left by suicide the same month and year. Sorry for the loss of your Wife. I had no warning signs, no note, so hard to find balance for me these days, Everyday is a struggle
Thank you for sharing this. As a suicide survivor, I’d like to share my experiences about being that life of the party and yet attempting suicide twice in my life. Perhaps sharing my own experience may help you in some way. As someone who lives with chronic major depression, I often hide the sad and painful truth of the intensity of my despair from the people around me as my way of protecting them from the ravages of my illness. I thought that I was strong enough to bear the burden alone. But It was in those attempts, that I realized I was not. I’m learning to let go of the shame that I was feeling for being ill and letting my loved ones see more of the real me, as painful as that can be for them to bear witness to. In doing this, I feel more true to the person I am and I accept myself. I’m so sad that you lost your dad. I’m sad that the illness won. My deepest sympathies to you in your loss.
Xoxo
This post hits so close to home almost feel as if I were writing it about my father. Today he would have been 59 and we are approaching fours years this September when he lost his battle to mental illness. He was definitely the life of the party and always had a joke waiting. My brother battles mental illness and he was always so worried about him. I remember after I had my first child I had a little postpartum and the Dr prescribed me something. My dad came to visit and saw the bottle I had it filled but gad decided not to take it. He was sooo concerned for me and wanted to make sure I was ok. We lost my uncle his brother to suicude 11 years prior to that so I thought he was sensitive to the situation because of that but was it really his own secret battle that made him worry about me.
All I know is that as I reflect on him today, his birthday, i really miss those quarky jokes of his.
I lost a son to suicide a few months back and I find no answers to the questions rolling around in my thoughts he always had a big smile on his face a hug for all. He had children he adored I just don’t understand suicid.. And I miss my boy with every part of my being. How do I fix being so broken will I ever get past it. I know a lot of people suffer from the loss due to suicide but we never know what are loved ones were going thru in darknes..