One of the main reasons this blog was created was to offer a different perspective on grief. Prior to my dad’s death by suicide, I had only experienced death by natural cause. While any loss is painful, the loss of my father introduced me to a deeper pain than I had ever known. In the months following my dad’s death I remember feeling so alone. How could anyone TRULY understand the intense emotions I was experiencing within. It simply isn’t possible unless you yourself have been touched by suicide. I have written a number of posts on the subject, and feel as if I have only scratched the surface. Grief after suicide just isn’t the same.
Another difference between grief after suicide versus grief after a natural death has to do with the internal dialogue that we tell ourselves. We personalize the death, often making the loss about us. Why wasn’t I good enough to live for? What could I have done differently? This “stage” often does not occur after someone dies from a terminal illness or of old age. We know that we did everything we could. We know that our loved one didn’t choose to die of cancer, or heart disease, or any other terrible disease. The same is not true with death by suicide. We often think that our loved ones made the decision to leave us and the world. That is the part that makes grieving so difficult. That is the part that is only understood by those who have experienced death by suicide. It can feel nearly impossible to see past that belief.
I write about this difficulty because I not only want others to feel understood, but because I want society to understand how the stigma of suicide impacts those that have experienced death by suicide. We have created a world that believes that suicide is a choice. Did my father choose to die? No. He choose to end his pain. His final act was not about me, nor was it about anyone else in his life. It was about him, and the pain that he lived in every single day. Removing myself from his death has been more healing than anything else I have done. Acknowledging that more phone calls, more visits, and more “I love yous'” would not have changed the outcome has been freeing.
Despite what others’ say, despite what the belief in society is, suicide is not a choice. It is the result of an illness. The result of years of pain, years of turmoil, years of trying to find another way. My father died by suicide, but the anxiety and depression are what took his life. It isn’t about his last act; it is about the years of pain, the years of torture, the years of feeling misunderstood. The belief that “fixing” my dad, was no more possible than curing cancer has allowed me to forgive myself, and ultimately allowed me to forgive him.
You are so right, Jessica.
Suicide is no more a choice than “deciding” to have cancer.
Exactly!
I completely agree. My son had gone through years of pain, anger, anxiety and depression. He tried so hard to overcome his mental disorders. I was right beside every step of the way. I know he doesn’t hurt anymore and i cant blame him for that…
Thank you, for saying what I’m feeling every day . I’m a nurse and have spent 40 years taking care of people. The pain of my grandson taking his own life sure left me wondering why I couldn’t save him.
I have been through all the signs that I should have recognized, when he seemed better the last six weeks of his life all of a sudden, after years of depression I should have known but I didn’t . He did all the things that many of my failed suicide patients had told me they did after they made the decision to end their lives.
Even the day of his death when he was talking to me, actually engaging me in conversation which was not like him at all his illness made him quiet rarely saying much to anyone. We talked to him and he responded but rarely started a conversation. He lived with us the last year of his life and I will never forget the sadness in his beautiful eyes every day.
I knew he was suffering and the medications and therapy sessions were not helping, we never found the right meds either he was drugged out of his mind or they didn’t do anything. The side effects often were worse for him then the depression. Looking back now I don’t know how he did it for so many years. I just know that I didn’t help him enough .
In his suicide note he spoke of his pain every day and the misery of living in this world, never being understood. He didn’t address his note to any of us grandparents, or parents I’m not sure how I feel about that but I know he stayed as long as he could. It’s difficult dealing with people because his death wasn’t from natural causes and folks just don’t understand that there is another pain. I miss my grandson every minute of the day but I accept the will of God, and would not want him back here to suffer another minute.
I agree and understand every single word you wrote. As a therapist myself, I beat myself up for awhile after losing my dad. How did I not know? How was I unable to stop him? It is a difficult struggle. On my grief journey I have been able to make peace and let go of the guilt. Not an easy thing to do. I agree….I miss my father everyday, but I too would not want him to suffer one minute longer.
I agree with you. I hate that I lost my father, but I am happy that his pain has finally come to an end.
Your words are so true. They helped me a lot. Thank you
I am so happy that my words were helpful!
I read your very moving letter with admiration, and awareness of your pain. I lost my husband to suicide 18 months ago after 40 wonderfully happy years of marriage . Yes it was the biggest shock of my life , yes the pain was excruciating, and painful , but the pain a mother has is not only of her huge , emotional , and intense loss, but the knowledge that my 3 beautiful sons all in there 30,s who had a loving relationship with there father , felt all the pain that your mentioning , and a mother will do anything to try to ease this pain but very difficult when in such pain herself. Thank you for words, they meant a lot to me , and I hope your pain eases and your life becomes a happier and peaceful one full of much love xxxx Christine Bow
I have found great healing in the 3 years since losing my dad. I have a lot of joy in my life, and thank God everyday for those blessings. I think the pain will always be there, but its presence has decreased. I like to write about every emotion, every thought, every belief to help those who still feel stuck in their grief. I will say that my life is very happy and very peaceful:)
My daughter took her life 13 years ago. She was 27 years old. I have always believed that Christine did not choose to kill herself. She was driven to that point by years of depression and self loathing. I believe she lost the will to live because of this long struggle with her demons. Choice implies that one can look at different options and consciously decide which one to take. My daughter’s psychological condition did not allow her to choose to live or die. She was overcome in her constant battles and only wanted to end her anguish.
I spoke at a conference yesterday about how mental illness is portrayed in the media. In my discussion I noted exactly what you mentioned above. I would love to see a suicide reported as, “they lost their battle to mental illness, anxiety, depression, etc.” Your daughter, and my father did not choose to end their life. They were just desperate to end their pain, and death appeared to be the only option. What outsiders fail to understand is how hard our loved ones fought to LIVE.
You are articulate in expressing the emotions and feelings that you carry deep inside your heart that I feel all to well. I have never felt such emotional pain. But the pain can be no worse than my beloved wife, Rosanne, had when she made her decision nine months ago to stop her anxiety and feelings of being down. Your articles and Monday’s mailings have been comforting to me on this new journey.
Thank you for your expression of care and hopefulness for all.
Andrew
Thank you Andrew. I am so happy that are posts bring you comfort. You are not alone my friend!
Thank you.
You are welcome!
Thank you so much for this. You put into words what I could not, and it is exactly how I have felt for the last 13 years.
It is hard losing a child by suicide. As a parent I will forever wonder why I didn’t see the signs of depression and instead confused my son’s behavior with being a teenager. I will forever as myself what I could have done differently to save him.
As a grief therapist, I find that parents have the most difficult time letting go of the guilt. As a parent myself, I understand why. I think what makes it all difficult is that society doesn’t talk about everyday anxiety and depression and how it can manifests in children. This is not your fault, this is societies fault! I know you will forever beat yourself up….but from my side I can say that you can’t fix something that your didn’t understand. I encourage you to talk about the signs that you saw, to help others identify these signs, and to bring awareness to the struggles that children and adolescents face. Please feel free to email me at anytime at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com