Religion and suicide. Two words that are often not found in the same sentence. My religious beliefs and my faith have always brought me comfort. I never stressed about it. I never felt that I needed to explain it. I certainly never felt that I would need to defend it. Then my dad died by suicide. This is a topic I have yet to write about. I think it is time to go there…
Faith is often turned to in times of need. Faith gets many people through very hard times, as it allows us to let go and trust that someone greater than ourself will make it right again. Following my dad’s suicide, I found my own faith to be something that almost prohibited me from moving forward as I questioned so many things. Why God would let someone live in so much pain? Is my father in hell? Do other people think my father is in hell? Is there a heaven?
The questions alone solidify why grief following a suicide can be more complex than a natural death. When each one of my grandparents passed, I never questioned my faith. I never had doubt that they were in a better place. I wasn’t angry at God for taking them away. It just made sense. People get sick, people get older, and people die. It is all a part of life. But suicide is different. It shakes up everything you believe. Depending on your own religious background you may have even been told that people who die by suicide do not go where others go. It is a sin. It is wrong. It isn’t natural. I truly struggled with this after my dad died. Mix that up with my insecurities regarding what others thought of him, and you get a big ole’ mess. What once brought me so much comfort now created hostility, anger, and resentment. Not only did I lose my father, but I felt like one of my biggest support networks no longer existed. Life just no longer made sense.
This is why I wanted to bring up religion and suicide. While religion may not be everything to everyone, it certainly can impact the life of someone who is grieving a loss by suicide. Three years after losing my dad, I will say that my faith has been restored. Altered, but restored. I have found that the only thing you can do is make peace with yourself, and form your own beliefs. I cannot try and change what others’ believe. I know there are still people out there that may believe that my father is in a place called Hell. I chose not to believe that. I chose to believe in a God that would never condemn a soul that already endured so much pain. I chose not to believe that God had control over my father and his pain. Just like cancer, car accidents, and war, bad things happen in this world. I do not believe that God is able to control it all. There are no right or wrongs when it comes to faith. Hold on to your faith. Choose to believe what you feel to be right. Don’t let others dictate your beliefs. At the end of the day, we all just need to do what WE need to do, believe what WE need to believe, to help us move forward.
Thank you. I feel the same way. Either our God forgives us for our sins, or He doesn’t. I choose to believe and loving and merciful God knows the hearts of His children. I believe my son is with Him
There is no HELL, the only person who judges you when you die is yourself and who better to that? There is a Heaven which is not above us but beside us just a thin veil that separates the physical world and the spirit world.
Having suffered profound grief after my son’s suicide in 2009 and my father’s suicide in 1982, I have wondered about our human existence and experiences. Especially after my sweet son passed at age 24, I insisted, to myself, that he could not have simply disappeared. He must exist somewhere. I knew that somewhere was not a terrible place. It had to be a lovely place. And I found him in that lovely place.
I have read a lot about our spiritual self and have learned that our soul never dies and that all are loved, no matter their deeds or their manner of death.
On this topic, here are some insightful words by Dr Mark Pitstick:
http://www.soulproof.com/lovedonecommitssuicidearticle.html
I have copied 3 of his 10 points here:
1. Suicide is not an unforgiveable sin. Religious teachings from your past may have vaguely mentioned some unforgiveable sin. It’s a perfect control device since people tend to project that whatever they are doing is it. But think about it. What good earthly parent would never forgive their child, no matter what the transgression? Same thing for the intelligence/energy/love that created and sustains the cosmos.
3. He won’t be judged or condemned. There is no judgment in spiritual dimensions. That is an earthly trait and one that early humans foisted upon Creator as they made Him/Her/It in a human image. Higher energy beings understand the degree of pain and/or imbalance your loved one must have felt to take that step. We on Earth can learn from them and do the same.
7. Do not worry about his soul. There are five ways for humans to die: accident, illness, natural causes, homicide, and suicide. From an earthly perspective, it’s may appear unfortunate that he took his own life.But from a cosmic viewpoint, suicide is just another way for a soul to return Home. His soul will be just fine so please don’t worry. There may be a period of rest, rehab, and healing needed for a while, but he will be lovingly attended to like the special and eternal part of life that he is.
http://www.soulproof.com/lovedonecommitssuicidearticle.html
I receive these posts via email. This one drew me in I struggled with the same issues, but down a different path. Thank you for explaining it so well.
I agree with everything you said except the part about God not being able to control everything. God is in control of everything but we all have free will. I respect your opinion and belief, however. I also lost my dad to suicide when I was 9 years old. As an adult, there was and still are times where I struggle with my faith on this issue. We as suicide survivors are all doing the best we can to understand and live in faith. God bless.
Hello, I am moved to write in response. My father killed himself days after my 5th birthday — I thought he had died in a car accident until I was 17, which initiated a very thorough and good conversation with my mother, who was always very open to talking about it with me — I think it was a weight off her shoulders when I finally knew. But anyway, my father was a lovely man, a very loving and fun father, who was the life of the party and really loved in our community, Catholic church, etc.
I am not 58…so I have had many years to try to “square the circle.” And while I do not mean to suggest that “one size fits all” and what I have to say will necessarily “fit” for anyone else, here it is.
1. I do not think anyone can ever really know “why” a person takes their own life. I believe it has to be a mental state — I hope it is, anyway — that I will never be able to understand. I hope never to achieve it.
2. I think it may actually be a decision accompanied by peace. I have the “suicide letter” that my father write — and mailed a few miles from the location where he drove to kill himself. It is totally logical, coherent — and in it he tells my mother she is a wonderful mother and he knows we (their 3 children) will be fine with her, etc. It came to me many years ago that perhaps my father’s brain was boiling and on fire and so troubled (somehow, I don’t know)…that when he reached the decision to take his life, he may have felt great peace at his “resolution” to the problem. I know that is not something we like to consider for many reasons (mostly because we well know that suicide stole our peace and calm) but perhaps it is so.
3. My father was Roman Catholic — and so am I. It certainly wasn’t nice to know that my religion considers suicide to be the most horrific of sins. But — there’s a catch that most people don’t know about this. I took my Master’s degree in medieval history. And one day, I stumbled upon a piece of information relating to this bit of theology that was so important, I cried. I’ve never met anyone else who knows this, but I try to share it as much as possible, it is so beautiful. The reason why suicide is such a heinous sin is NOT (as I thought) because it is MURDER.
(It is and I’m sure that is not unimportant…)
But the REAL reason is because someone who kills him- or herself has LOST FAITH IN GOD. Has lost the belief that through God’s love and mercy, anything is possible…that we must believe in that love and power, follow God’s teachings, “stay the course”…because God can work miracles and we just never know what might happen…what could be waiting around the bend.
I don’t know about you — but I find that incredibly beautiful and moving. And much, much more compelling than the “bad-bad-bad, you must not!” idea…is the idea that it means you shut yourself off from love and the possibilities inherent in it.
Suicide is not a solution. Suicide drops a stone into a pond…and the ripples continue to disturb the waters for generations. I know — my family was torn apart by ideas that my mother (who is truly lovely) must somehow have “driven” my father to it. No — I believe there was something inside my father that made him do it. I could well be wrong, but I think that someone either has the “seed” to do that in them — or they don’t.
For me, the hardest thing to come to terms with is this: I am never really going to know what it was that made my father make that choice. Even if I could somehow talk with him about it, I don’t believe I could ever understand. It is a state of mind that I have never been in — and hope never to be.
Do I love my father? Yes. Did he create a huge wound in everyone who loved him? Yes. Have I forgiven him? Yes, absolutely. My mother remarried a man a year-and-a-half later who had lost his wife the same year (not suicide) — and he was a wonderful father to me. I know what I lost at 5 — but I also know what I got from my adopted father. And I am grateful for the gift.
Thank you for sharing your perspective! Your view on your father’s suicide will help others who read this blog!
This hits home in big ways for me, except my membership to this “club” was my 16 year old son, struggling with depression after a football injury that blew out his knee. His Dad put the love of money ahead of the love of family for too long. And then here I end up. So, with that, I struggled too, and this is where I found myself, not relying on the words/faith of man, but the word of God. It is written in Romans 8:38-39, New International Version (NIV), 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. That is good enough for me, and it brings me great relief. If other people want to cast judgment and play God, they can answer to Him themselves when they get the opportunity to do so. I’ll stand on His Word and Promise.
Keep standing on the Word. And when you are tired and weak, wrap it around you as a cloak or shield. God loves us and NOTHING can separate us from that. Or our children or other family. Thanks for sharing.