While we have the perspective of losing a parent to suicide, the thought of experiencing the loss of a child in this way seems unthinkable. It saddens us to know that so many of you know this pain. This week, we warmly welcome a guest post from Michelle H., who lost her son Marcus to suicide last summer. Thank you, Michelle, for sharing him and your story with us.
Losing a Child to Suicide
My husband and I formed our family through adoption. Our oldest son, Alec, was born in Korea and adopted at
the age of 5 months. He is now 19. Our youngest is Abby, who was born in Thailand and adopted at the age of 10 months. She is now 15. Our middle child, Marcus, was born in Houston, Texas and adopted at just two days old. His birth mom is white and his birth dad is black and we have an open adoption with his birth mom. Marcus will forever be 17. He died by suicide on June 12, 2014.
Welcoming Marcus Home
To go back to the beginning, when Alec was 18 months old, I felt like our next child should be a newborn, as I felt like I missed out on the first 5 months of Alec’s life. We applied to a local adoption agency and quickly wrote up our “Dear Birthparent” letter with a picture because there was a potential birth mom named Jamie who was around 7 months pregnant and wanted to hear more about us. After reading our letter she wanted to meet us and we had several more just getting to know each other. The next step was to do the formal match meeting where details were worked out, such as who could be present for the delivery and how many visits and pictures would be shared after the baby was placed. Each party waits 24 hours after this meeting and then tells the social worker if they want to proceed with the adoption. Of course we said yes, but we were saddened to hear Jamie said no. She wanted to make a parenting plan. After a little time to gather ourselves the social worker showed our letter to another potential birth mom who initially agreed to the match, but after her baby was born decided to parent. At that point, we decided to take a break from the adoption plan. We were shocked to receive a phone call from the social worker a few weeks later to say that Jamie had changed her mind and wanted us to be Marcus’ parents after all. She said she was in church and she felt God telling her we were supposed to be his parents. We cautiously said yes, but realized she might change her mind again after he was born. In the end, she made a courageous decision with her head and not her heart and signed over her parental rights and made us Marcus’ parents.
Growing Up
Marcus was a colicky baby, but once he could move on his own he was much happier. He started talking in complete sentences when he was around 18 months old and he was very physically coordinated-always climbing, jumping and into sports. He was very social and could remember everyone’s name. He was the class
clown and usually in trouble for talking or disrupting class. He was so charming, though, that most of the time he was forgiven. By 5th grade it was clear that he was having difficulty paying attention and staying on task. His mind seemed to go 100 miles an hour. He was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and we decided to place him on medication during the school year. It seemed to help some and then the junior high years hit. Let’s just say we were on a first name basis with the assistant principal in charge of discipline. It was not an easy time, with lots of pushing boundaries and trouble with rules. Once he got to high school the behavior issues at school went away, but at home it was the same. We tried positive rewards, we tried punishment, we tried behavior charts, we tried contracts. We had him see a social worker, a neuropsychologist and another social worker. These things would work for a time and then things would go back to the way they were.
Life with Marcus was certainty a roller coaster. He was funny and caring and stood up for kids who were being picked on. He remembered when people were sick and asked how they were doing. He made sure to tell a girl who had special needs that she did a great job in the school talent show. He was his little sister’s protector. Whenever a boy was talking to her he would stand there with his arms crossed looking tough. He could be very intimidating.
Marcus was musically talented, he played guitar and trombone. He taught himself how to play drums and could sit down at the piano and play a song by ear. By junior year in high school he started getting into music production and thought that is what he would do for a career.
His junior year started off alright. Things seemed to calm down at home and his grades were okay. We had enrolled him in an ACT class as the plan was for him to go to college to get a business degree alongside a music production degree. February 22, 2014 I woke to find his ADHD medications were missing. I found the empty bottles and he said he took them all during the night because he “wanted to feel better.” I think he took between 30-40 pills. I called the Poison Control Center who said he needed to be seen in the ER due to the possibility of seizures and heart problems. At this point, I wasn’t really thinking it was a suicide attempt-I wanted to believe him when he said he just wanted to feel better. How could my attractive, charismatic son want to end his life? It was an obvious cry for help. He was admitted to PICU until he was medically cleared for the inpatient unit at the Behavioral Health Hospital. He finally admitted it was a suicide attempt and I did find a letter. He said he was doing it for him and that “maybe things would be better on the other side.” We followed the recommendations of the doctors and counselors. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and started on an antidepressant. He willingly went to all doctor’s and therapist’s appointments, he was communicating with us and with them.
Forever 17
The ACT test was coming up and his behavior at home started deteriorating. He was sneaking out, using marijuana, and lying about where he was going. We restricted his privileges and on June 11, 2014 saw a counselor to come up with some ideas on how to manage life at home. Marcus declined to attend this meeting (he was still seeing his own therapist on a weekly basis). That day seemed like a normal summer day. The kids slept in, watched TV and we had dinner together as a family before our meeting. Marcus seemed a little down, but I assumed it was due to his loss of privileges. We were getting ready to go on our home repair mission trip in a few days, so I thought he would perk up once we got there as this was something dear to him. That evening around 9:10 I found Marcus walking around in the cul de sac in front of our house. I asked him what he was doing, but I don’t remember what he told me. He went up to his room and my husband talked to him in the hallway around 9:15. At 9:30 I went to the basement to get some things for our mission trip and found that Marcus had left a mess. I went upstairs to get him to help clean up, but he didn’t answer so I went into his room and found him unconscious and not breathing. I screamed for my husband, started CPR and my older son called 911. My daughter saw all of this happen. The paramedics were able to get his heart started at our house, so I was hopeful I had found him in time. It turns out I was 8-10 minutes too late. We had to make the agonizing decision to discontinue life support around 24 hours after I found him. My beautiful son was gone.
Life Today
My grief therapist tells me I made the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time. My mind
understands that, but my heart hasn’t gotten the message yet. Some days, the guilt is unbearable, there are so many “should haves” and “what ifs” running through my mind. Other days I am furious with God. I too felt that we were meant to be his parents in order to help him overcome his struggles and to reach his full potential. To have my son die by suicide feels like a kick in the head. If only we could have gotten him through his senior year of high school I think he would have realized how much life has to offer and how much he had to offer the world.
My grief therapist also tells me that now I have the precious gift of shining and sharing Marcus’ light for everyone to see. I plan to do just that, the world is missing a wonderful person now that he is gone and I will make sure my beautiful boy is not forgotten. Marcus’ best friend closed his eulogy with the words, “remember Marcus for the way he lived and not the way he died.”
– Michelle
♡ Beautiful Michelle ♡
Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our 16-year-old daughter, our beautiful Sara whom we had adopted from China, last summer from suicide. It was totally unexpected. I also went thru the “if only’s” but finally came to realize that so many things were going wrong in her thought processes that, even if we had done some things differently, the outcome likely would have been the same. Our lives have been turned upside down, we will never stop grieving for her, but I hold to the hope that she is with our Lord and that we will see her again. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you Jodi
thank you Donna. I am so sorry for your loss of Sara.
I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate your courage in sharing it. Thank you. Just a response to your comment that both the birth mother and you felt you “were meant to be” his parents….that may be true and true for so many reasons, including your ability to share his story. We can’t take that to mean you failed at something you were “meant to do” or failed as parents….not in a world where free will and individual choice remains. Sometimes you do what you feel you were meant to do, or had to do, but all you can do, in the end, is offer hope and options – the loved one still has free will to act, or not, on the impulse.
I am the grand mother of Bud Ramsey. I would never in a million years thought he would have taken his life. He had a good job, a nice family, did not drink, did not do drugs, He worked all the time. Of course his mother and father were divorced, but that was a long time ago and i hoped he had gotten past that. He had wonderful friends and they loved Bud. This situation has caused us so much pain and despaire and understanding his death is something I and the family will never get over, I see on some of these posts that some of the kids had problems and my heart goes out to those families, but how do you go on when there is no sign of anything wrong. The day of his death, he was very happy. And you could always tell when there was something going on with Bud, but he was so sweet and nothing was any different from before. The night of his death, he left as usual and told me bye, and that he loved me, which was nothing different. But the next morning we got the news. He was gone! We’ve tried to find out what happened but no-one wants to tell us anything. Its been a year now, and we know no more today than we did then. I know someone out there will finally decide to do the right thing and come clean about the circumstances of his death. The police are always so quick to close a case and it leaves the family with so many unanswered questions. He had no mental problems and wasnt depressed, so what happened? I pray for all the family members that are going through this sort of thing(i cant even say the word S) I hope everyone can just accept this dreadful thing that is hanging over us and remember our loved ones as they were. LOVED
You don’t know me but I’ve been praying for you and your family. My greatest fear is to lose one of my children. I can’t imagine how difficult these days are for you. I understand why you are mad at God. It’s not right, fair or natural to have a child predecease a parent. God knows it too…He knows your pain and He will never leave you or forsake you.
Thank you Robin
Thank you for sharing your family story. So much love. I pray for your peace and comfort for you and all your family. I think of you and want you to know that I am just a phone call away if you need someone else to talk to you. My heart aches for you.
Thank you Betty!
Michelle, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your beloved Marcus’ story. I lost my 16 year old son Jack (aka: Moe) to suicide in December of 2001. My great sorrow has softened over time and the wonderful memories have come to the forefront of my mind. But, I still grieve his untimely death and think of him with love every single day. I miss him beyond measure. Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. Peace to you and your family. ~~ Mare Mom of Moe
Thanks Mare!
Thank you for sharing about Marcus, Michelle. I can identify with and relate to all the facets of this grieving a child lost to suicide. Every once in awhile, I think–with an enormous sigh of relief–whew, finally I’m not–fill in the blank–wondering the endless why, riddled with guilt, arguing with God, pleading and bargaining with God, relieving my parenthood in reverse, then wham, out of seemingly nowhere, I’m bearing and carrying the weight of these things all over again. Remembering you and Marcus in my heart tonight–and sending hugs and love. Beth, Dylan’s Mom, forever 20.
Thank you Beth
I was diagnosed with PTSD, and dangerously depressed most of my life, As I suffered catastrophe after catastrophe.. Since I was a child..I have come to terms with most of all I’ve encountered. The reason I’m writing is I guess this is as good a place as any to start. I am hoping that in here I can find some resources that I’m looking for. This is the thing. I have been following our military and the loss of our soldiers to PTSD. But this is the thing..last year we lost 8000 supposedly from PTSD..that figure up from the year before 349..the year before 300.. The year before that 279 the year before that 224. The year before that 289 the year before that 200.. PTSD has always been a factor.. They used to call it she’ll shock. As I look at these figures..which I went all the way back to civil war statistics one year there were 9 and the next year 11 then 14. This is my problem what caused the jump of 7651 in one year..this is more than in 10 years of war..put together..in one year..what happened to cause that jump? Prior to that the figure of 349 was the largest number in history..what caused 7651 more people to commit suicide? First of all these are people that were willing to defend us. For every one we loose to the war.. We loose 25 here ..and 77℅ of those soldiers never went overseas. They were stateside. That’s 22 a day…and though I’ve read your stories posted here tonight and everyone wanted answers..I too want answers, but for a different reason. This is too much of a change for one year..is this a result of the medications given to our veterans? If so can I prove the pharmaceutical corporations were aware of the side effects? Or what is the cause..the cause must be identified, in hopes of preventing needless loss of our veterans. Andwhile I’m aware that the loss of our veterans can not be in done..8000 veterans are not with us any more, but 8000 veterans are lso telling us something, and I’m listening, I just can’t get anyone to take this seriously, I refuse to let their voices be silenced , until we find what caused that many to take their own lives.was can not get these figures back down to where it was,while that too is unacceptable, 8000 is just …well there are no words. I tend to believe this has to do with the medication that was prescribed. I have not spoken to any of the survivors. But I do think it necessary. To collect the information needed to prove either the meds were wrong.there has to be a common thread linking all of them. While we can’t bring them back, wouldn’t it help out these families if we could prove some type of negligence ? Maybe find some type of compensation for the families left behind. Maybe it was a vaccine..or a virus..there must be a reason more satisfactory than PTSD. If anyone can direct me to where I need to look for the collection of the data needed..I know this is a delicate situation. But it is necessary .please feel free to contact me .my e mail is irishdaisycb@gmail.. And my face book..is
Colleen Marie BROOKS…Tucson az. Thank you..God Bless…I pray for strength for each of these families..and to all of those touched by PTSD.
I am so so sorry for your loss. My dad committed suicide too and its so hard to get through. So much sadness…love and light.