This week we welcome guest writer, Sarah Finch. We thank Sarah for sharing her feelings of loneliness following her dad’s death by suicide.
LONELINESS
The days following my dad’s death by suicide were the loneliest of my life. In a roomful of people, in the midst of a hug, in the middle of a conversation, the resounding thought I had was that I was alone. No one had the relationship I did with my dad, no one knew all the struggles he had endured that he shared with me, and no one could possibly understand the shock, sadness or emptiness I was feeling. In addition to the isolation I felt after my dad’s death, I experienced an added layer of self-imposed loneliness because of the manner in which my dad died. Mental illness and suicide are frequently misunderstood and associated with secrecy and shame. I desperately wished I could tell people he had died of cancer or a heart attack. Thankfully, I was with close friends when I learned of my dad’s death. When I asked them how to tell people about what had happened, they encouraged me to think about how compassionately I would respond if a friend were to share such news with me. While I didn’t realize it at the time, being open about the fact that my dad struggled with bipolar disorder and that he died by suicide was the first important step in feeling less alone.
Seven months after my dad’s death, I still feel alone. Sharing my story in a grief group with other suicide loss survivors, writing to and about my dad, and talking with friends about how I’m feeling have helped. All of these things are difficult, sad and exhausting, but also very important to my grief process.
My feelings of isolation over the last five months have made me think about how alone my dad and others who struggle with mental illness must feel. It must take incredible strength to continue to choose to fight, to put on a good front when things below the surface feel nearly impossible to manage. With friends and family, my dad was pretty open about his battle with bipolar disorder. I’ll never know for certain, but I believe his openness helped him live as long as he did. I also hope it helped him feel less alone.
As I continue to fight my own feelings of isolation and the stigma of mental illness and suicide, I rely on the compassion and understanding of others. In return, I try to be less judgmental and give more people the benefit of the doubt. To those who battle mental illness and their family and friends, share your stories. Not only will they counteract the narrative of shame and secrecy, but will help with your own feelings of loneliness.
I’m so sorry for you loss, and am touched by the compassion you had for your father and for others who struggle with mental illness. It is a good reminder to me of what my late fiancee (who took his own life in 2013) struggled with everyday to seem “normal” to people.
I have had few good experiences with being open about how Marlon died. Most people I’ve been honest with have ‘freaked out” and then I have felt responsible for their discomfort. It makes me even lonelier, but also makes me appreciate the friends and others with whom I have been able to be open and honest. In the meantime, I tell most new people that Marlon’s death is hard for talk about and leave it at that. I wish it weren’t that way, but I can’t handle any more people freaking out on me.
I completely understand what you are talking about. I often feel that I end up consoling people after I tell them how my father died. I truly hope that one day the stigma will be erased and others can respond the same as they would if it were a “natural death.” Until then, we all just need to do what works best for us!
This article is amazing thank you for writing it. Totally going thru what you wrote about. I wanna cry, and give u a hug knowing you’re going thru something so painful too, but I also feel a little relief knowing I am not the only one out there. I don’t know anyone else who has dealt with a similar issue and all I ever hear from people is, I’m sorry I can’t imagine what it’s like to go thru what you’ve gone thru, or I’m so sorry that must be so difficult and confusing and no one knows what to say.. Most of the time the conversations end there. I know that there will never be a roadmap or guide to getting thru this but hearing how others are getting thru similar issues really helps. I personally am Going thru such a rough time right now & reading this definitely helps. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with the world.