My father would have celebrated his 66th birthday this past January. As we have every year since the day he left this world, my sister and I post a message on his FaceBook page as a tribute to the man we called “Dad” for so many years. Many people “liked” this message, and commented about how they miss his audacious self. Among those comments lied one in particular that initially angered me. Yet, as I thought about it throughout the day I felt as if there was value to this comment. Here I am, almost three months after the post thinking about it. Here is what the comment said:
“I know he has to be smiling down now realizing what beautiful daughters he has but a little sad realizing how blessed he was.”
It still brings tears to my eyes. It continues to make me ponder whether my father feels remorse? I am a person who believes in an afterlife. I believe that my father has finally found his peace in this afterlife. So, let’s say he is watching over us from heaven. Does he feel sadness when he sees how blessed he truly was in this life? I am conflicted. A part of me wants him to feel sadness when he sees my beautiful daughter, the blue-eyed, brown haired angel that he never met. I want him to see my two nieces and the beautiful young women they have become. I want him to see the pain we still feel when we are reminded that he is no longer here. But, I also want him to be at peace. I do not want him to be in pain any longer. This is where I am conflicted; my heart wants one thing, while my head says another. This has been a common struggle since losing dad to suicide.
I once read in a book that people who die by suicide are “stuck” between the real world and heaven initially following their death. This place is not meant to bring pain. It’s purpose is to give those who die by suicide the chance to see the pain that occurs in the aftermath of their death. I like to think this is true. For some reason, this has brought me some peace during my journey. I didn’t want my father to continue to feel pain, but I also didn’t want to just let him off the hook.
I truly believe that people who die by suicide were either born with or somehow gained foggy glasses that prohibited them from seeing the blessings in their life. The pain from within, the illness in their heads clouded their ability to see life as it was. I don’t think my father knew how blessed he was in the minutes before his death. I hope he can see it now.
My daughter died in 2012 by suicide. I have so many questions but no answers
That has got to be the toughest part of loss by suicide…the lack of answers. We are so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for this – exactly the same conflict that I experience every day. Trying to let go of the anger & hoping he has now found peace.
My boyfriend hung himself in our garage 3 was ago … I am not doing well …I feel such sadness. .I can’t breathe ..I want to change thing $ I want to hold him one more time .I love him so much my heart is shattered ..how can life be alright again .when I searched my whole life for my soul mate my other half to find him spend one year together then he leaves me ..to grieve for him the rest of my life ..how unfair is that ..
I replay it over and over again …we were fighting said hateful things unforgivable words … then my son comes screaming mom he did it he hung himself ..I said he wouldn’t do that and I went to the garage and there the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with was hanging from a rope that he had taken from a swing he had made for our 5 yrold grand daughter we were raising g…I can’t 3xplqin what I felt .I am still numb and feel so empty …..why ? Brett why ? Baby . I can’t live without u but I have no choice ..will I ever be ok again
We are so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. First and foremost let be kind to yourself, as this loss is very recent and very raw. I barely remember those first few weeks after losing my dad. I actually struggle to remember those first few months. I highly recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in this type of grief. Yes, you will be ok again, but it takes a great deal of time and healing. I do not recommend trying to do this alone. There are also great online support groups if you do not have any in your local area. It is important to connect to others who understand this type of loss. We hope that your blog posts can help you during this difficult time.
This is exactly how I feel. My dad committed suicide last May. I still go through periods of mixed emotions. Sometimes I’m really angry at him and want him to see the pain he’s caused. Other times I’m just praying he’s in no more pain and at peace. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this. It’s comforting when you know you aren’t alone in these thoughts and feelings.
I’m sorry for your loss. I do understand as I lost my dad to suicide 20 years ago this December.