I was born an anxious person. Before most things have a chance to happen, I worry about the “what ifs.” I fret over things that could happen later today and 10 years from now. This is a trait that’s engrained in me and I really don’t know any other way. I like to feel prepared with lists and solutions for all of the possible outcomes I could experience in life. (Which sounds a lot like my dad.) Whether this was all due to nature, nurture or a mix of both, I’m not quite sure. But, my dad’s death by suicide has only exacerbated this anxiety. Prior to his suicide, I never really worried about death and loss. My worries were more innocent… “Will that oncoming car really stop at the light before I proceed with my left turn?” or “Will I be able to pay my bills?” Now, my worries have turned to much more serious things. “Will that oncoming car kill me?” “Will I be blindsided by another loss of this nature?” “So and so hasn’t answered their phone – did something terrible happen to them?”
Unfortunately, I now know that bad things can happen in life – really bad, ugly things. Once you have experienced a loss to suicide, a curtain rises to reveal that dark side. It’s almost as if my dad’s death opened a Pandora ’s Box of worry, for which my mind knows no bounds. If something that bad could happen, could something even worse occur? Sometimes I’m on pins and needles wondering and expecting it. I feel braced for another loss. And, I hate it.
Until this weekend, I thought this newfound “dark” anxiety was strictly related to the fact my dad died by suicide. I figured it was just part of the halo baggage of this loss. I was slightly comforted by a conversation with a friend who lost her mother to cancer. I was explaining my experience with anxiety after loss and made the connection to my dad. She jumped in and said she has very similar feelings, which surprised me. Even though she had much more time to prepare for the loss of her mom, it was still hugely significant, and she too fears for another loss (particularly from cancer). She also has elevated concerns about cancer-causing ingredients and products in society, which is something I’m aware of but not consumed with. Whereas I am hyper vigilant about people’s mindsets and dispositions now, she pays very close attention to the ingredients on labels and her proximity to technology, etc. I had some grandparents pass away from cancer and complications from diabetes but it was so long ago that it didn’t impact me the way this loss did.
All of this made me realize that anyone who has experienced the loss of a close family member or friend by any means is likely going to be sensitive – if not anxious – about the factors surrounding the death and going through another loss. It’s nice to know this is a normal occurrence, even if it’s unsettling.
What is important is that we find ways to cope with this anxiety so it doesn’t consume our everyday life. While it’s realistic to have occasional worry about another loss, it shouldn’t affect the quality of a survivor’s life. I am mindful of this and have continued to meet regularly with the grief counselor I enlisted the week my dad died. I’m not going to sugarcoat the fact that even with help, it’s an ongoing battle for me. Time has helped a bit, but I don’t think I will ever stop worrying. It’s a shame because I know that what my dad thought he was doing was eliminating worry from our lives by leaving us (and taking his troubles with him). What our loved ones couldn’t appreciate is that they really only left those troubles – and more – with us.
Have you experienced anxiety after loss? How have you helped keep it in check?
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I too suffer from anxiety disorder. When I was younger I was a very free spirited person. However, after spending 28 yrs in an abusive relationship to which I finally got the nerve to leave 7 yrs ago, I found myself very anxious around any type of argument, confrontation or even the thought of a possible confrontation. Then 5.5 yrs ago the unthinkable happened and my oldest son, who will forever be 24, took his own life. Since that moment my anxiety has reached no heights. I have a very difficult time with separation. I worry constantly that I am going to loose one of my remaining 3 children as well as those I love. This even includes my sweet Med Shih Tzu, I get very emotional knowing one day he will leave me, he is just 2 yrs old but it still scares me at times. I do recognize at times when I feel an anxiety attack about to start. To cope or get myself through it I will try to just talk to myself and remind myself that it is just my anxiety trying to take hold of me. That the thing I am becoming anxious about at the moment will more then likely present itself to be nothing more then my anxiety disorder running out of control and the event itself will turn out fine. I also find if I can talk to a friend about what is causing my anxiety at the moment, it will also help me to put it into perspective and relieve that feeling somewhat. Not sure if that makes sense to you but that is the best way for me to describe it. Sometimes these methods work, others they don’t but for all those who deal with anxiety on a daily basis know what I am talking about I am sure. However, I have become somewhat of a master at hiding my anxiety as well. I feel many just do not understand or think I am just worrying too much and think that if I would just stop being “such a worry wart” that I would be ok. Unfortunately Anxiety does not work that way, as you know, if only it was that simple. Anyway, thank for sharing your story and letting us share ours. <3
I lost a grandson to suicide in 2010 He was 13 years old. I understand what you are going through. I went to Grief Share for 3 an half years and realized I was not getting what I needed so I joined a SOS SURVIVOR OF SUICIDE GROUP HELPED ME SO MUCH. You can find a support group on line. I contacted a Suicide Prevention online got their phone number and called and asked for a Suicide Survivor group and they gave me a phone number. The difference is everybody are on the same page everyone there help each other.
My son committed suicide in Oct 2013. Sometimes anxiety overwhelms me, or I feel uncontrollably sad, often for seemingly minor things, like being alone at a wonderful concert, and I just don’t know what to do. My birthday last week (age 71) had moments of joy and celebration as family and friends bestowed love and greetings. I try to take comfort and I pray and do restorative yoga, and I have begun to work with a grief counselor. I wonder if I will ever be more emotionally balanced again. Thank you for sharing your stories.
I lost my husband almost a year ago to suicide. Our marriage was short and late in life . I have so much anger it is literally making me sick. I go to church, I still work, my adult age daughter lives with me, which I am grateful for. We were both present, but in other rooms when he took his life. A psychologist my daughter has been seeing has noticed she has signs of PTSD. I have always been the one who cares about ‘keeping things together’, or I tend to be the ‘glue’ in many of my relationships. One of my husband’s brothers knew he was suicidal from a previous attempt. I am angry at him for not mentioning it earlier. Other of his siblings started voicing that ‘I’ should have seen this coming, which brings more anger out. There are more things I just don’t wish to share right now, hoping that with the settling of my husband’s estate will bring some closure to all this frustration I’ve have had (mostly toward his siblings). I think it is clear I need a group and am going to look into one listed on your website.
On what you said here: “I know that what my dad thought he was doing was eliminating worry from our lives by leaving us (and taking his troubles with him). What our loved ones couldn’t appreciate is that they really only left those troubles – and more – with us.”
I never considered this thought about my son’s suicide. Maybe he thought he was doing us some sort of long term favor. If so, then no amount of love shown to him was getting through – not deep enough – to realize that we never saw him in the way he saw himself. He hid it all too well. He didn’t have low self esteem, but he did tell me that I was wrong when I’d compliment him sometimes.
This is my first post on your pages, so thanks for sharing your stories ladies. I am reading as much as I can to learn about suicide and mourning this loss. It’s been 10 weeks and 2 days, and I’ve only just begun.
Hi Cindy – We are so sorry for your loss. Tomorrow, we are sharing a post from a mother who lost her son, too. We are beginning to share more perspectives from our readers! Of course, we will never know why our loved ones chose this path, but thinking about that line I wrote is one thought I’ve continued to think about. I’ve heard from fellow survivors that their loved ones felt like such a burden. If only they could truly appreciate we never saw things that way.
My youngest son Mick took his own life on 10thNovember 2015 one day before his 21st birthday after his girlfriend broke up with him. 3+months later and my anxiety has increased even though I have had 3 sessions with a grief counsellor. Some days are worst than others but I am having more bad days than good lately. I did start meditation but concentration is becoming harder. Sleep is now assisted by Tranquil Nights courtesy of Blackmores. Just want to feel normal again but know that my life and my other 4 children’s lives will never be normal again.
We are so sorry for your loss. This loss is still very new and raw. Be kind to yourself, and don’t expect too much from yourself. Continue to see your grief counselor. It can take months to find some sense of relief. Will you feel normal again? Yes. But, you won’t feel the same way you did prior to your loss. Life can and will get better again…it just takes time.
Thankyou Jessica for sharing your story about your father and your response to my post. It is good to be able to share my feelings with other people who have or are experiencing grief through the loss of a family member by suicide. I find that even my very good friends who I have known for 19 and 24 years are not as supportive now as they were when my son took his own life. I understand that life continues to be normal for them and so it should…..I want my normal back but know that our life is changed forever.
I lost a 22 year old daughter to suicide in 2011 and a 30 year old son to suicide in 2013. Prior to their death by suicide, I was not unusually anxious. Post suicide, , my anxiety level increased tremendously. This month, March, is my daughter’s birthday, and my anxiety level is rising as her birthday approaches. Attending an SOS Support Group helped me a great deal in the early days as the anxiety and pain of loss was non-stop. Now I find that there are longer periods where I do not experience any unusual amount of anxiety. I find that I am better able to cope with the anxiety. I used to be “completely floored” by the anxiety. Now I seem to have a better ability for relaxing my mind through it. The anxiety brought on by suicide for survivors seems to be very deep seated with survivors of suicide. I’ve spoken with parents who lost children over 10 years ago and they still have bouts of anxiety, although with less frequency.
James, I am so sorry for your losses. This is something no family should have to experience. I, too, have found birthdays bring me the greatest anxiety because there’s nothing to do but think of and honor them.