I do not need to tell you how difficult life after suicide is. We are pulled in many directions as we try and make sense of what just happened. Our brain is put in overdrive as we try and conceptualize how this could have happened to us. We often talk about the anger and sorrow we feel in the aftermath of traumatic loss. Guilt and shame play a leading role in our grief story often impacting our ability to not only forgive our loved one, but to forgive ourselves. Sounds familiar, right? But what about abandonment? Abandonment is not often talked about, yet it plays a leading role in our story. Not attaching feelings of abandonment to our own self worth can make life after suicide difficult.
In the aftermath of my father’s death I felt a great deal of anger. How could you abandon me like this? It has taken a great deal of time to be able to put a name to the feelings I was experiencing. I often thought I was just angry. Angry at him for choosing to leave the world in the manner that he did. It took awhile to really get to the root cause of the anger. I knew I was angry, but what was the driving force? Abandonment. That is what lies beneath the rage.
Abandonment is a common fear. As a human, we all have basic needs. When they are not met, it impacts daily life. If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you will find “Love and belonging” right smack in the middle, sandwiched between safety and esteem. One impacts the other. We often overlook how much of our self-worth is tied to our sense of belonging and feeling loved. So, when a person you love completes suicide, it is no wonder we experience extreme sorrow. Our inner voice often tells us, “You aren’t good enough” or “You weren’t worth living for.” I have heard that voice. When I was experiencing overwhelming anger, that was the voice that brought on the anger. That voice made me question everything in this world. It made me question my own self-worth.
That was a big turning point in my grief journey. Not only uncovering, but acknowledging that I felt abandoned, helped me move forward. It helped me make sense of it all. I understood why I was so angry. Of course I was angry because of this great loss, but mostly I was angry that my father abandoned me. It was in this moment that I felt ready and able to move forward.
Separating myself from the actions of my father was not easy, but if offered tremendous relief. Do I still feel abandoned? Sure. How could I not. But I have re-established my own self-worth. I had to change that voice deep down inside, and acknowledge that my father’s actions were a result of his own inner voice and the pain that ran to the depth of his core. Now my inner voice doesn’t question my worth, it reminds me of my strength and my ability to persevere.
I totally agree with you…I guess I never thought of it that way…when my 19 yr. old brother died, the anger was something I never experienced before…then after the funeral, the extreme grief set in and lasted forever…still gets me on some days….since my brothers death in 1980, there have been 3 more suicides in my family…the most recent being September of 2015…going on one year…when will this stop? Yes, abandonment it really can feel like that…my heart aches and I miss my family…all gone too soon 😿
I had never put words to these feelings, but oh, my goodness, I STILL blame my perceived short-comings as a parent. I failed my child. I didn’t love him enough, I didn’t care for him well enough … I KNOW that he never thought of me, although he called me 40 minutes before that fateful blast, he simply had to stop the PAIN MONSTER in his face. This puts a fine point on the guilt I will carry to my grave. He died in 2004.
This is what every parent of a child that commits suicide feels. We must have done something wrong. I feel your same pain, as I too feel overwhelmed by guilt that my parenting or decisions that I made throughout his life surely must have had such a negative affect on him that it caused him uncontrollable grief that he never overcame.
I’m sure throughout the ordeal with Matthew people judged and said what they would do if it was their child or teenager but truly you don’t know til you been in this situation. David and I have been told to get grief counseling before Matthew ever passed away. How do you parent a child that is so determined to leave this earth?
Can you imagine our pain, we are thinking he’s got so much to look forward to and he’s so unhappy and he don’t know why. This dark cloud follows him everyday and won’t give him a break. Those who know us know how many doctors and Counslers we’ve seen. And how many medicines they tried him on with not much change at all. He couldn’t get a break from what I think of as this black cloud following him and tormenting him.
As a parent I would say that I should have thought of my kids when I was making decisions that I thought would not affect them to the degree that they did. Sometimes with divorce we think so many people do it my kids will be ok, “they’ll Adjust but some kids can have a really hard time and it can even cause PTSD.
No parent should lose a child to suicide it’s just not fair. I never thought the happy, talkative, flirtatious , little boy I had would be so unhappy. Nobody ever thinks it will be their child. I see Matthew everywhere I go. I see boys that look like him when he was little and see guys that look like him before he died. I stare but I can’t help it. I wonder does your mom know how lucky she is?
I’m not usually this open its hard for me but it’s painful to open up. I’ve said it before and I know every parent that’s lost their child feels the same way but “Matthews hard to live without”❤️
My father also committed suicide. I was 7 at the time and was the one who found him. I’m 50 now and can still see the aftermath in my life. In how I deal with things and decisions I make.