My blood is boiling. I’m no stranger to aloof innuendos and comments about suicide in society, but lately I feel like they’ve reached epidemic proportions. I work for a large corporation with an office in downtown Chicago. I don’t know if it’s just my colleagues or corporate America in general, but suicide-related terms seem to be commonplace. And, frankly, I’m over it…
My dad has been gone for three-and-a-half years now, so I’ve heard many a “OMG, I’d kill myself” since his death. I usually just cringe, roll my eyes and move on. But, lately, they are so prevalent that I’ve actually had trouble biting my tongue and surprised myself by speaking up in a couple of situations.
In a recent meeting with a new co-worker, she used the term, “I might kill myself” for the third time that day. I finally blurted, “Please don’t say that anymore, my dad actually did kill myself.” She felt very ashamed and apologized. I brushed it under the rug because I obviously didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable about such a morbid topic. I thought this would lead her to think twice about using terms like that again, but unfortunately, it didn’t take very long for them to re-enter her everyday vocabulary.
A couple days later, another co-worker approached me with something equally as troubling. I do marketing and public relations for many nationally-known brands. A lot of times, the brands will come to us for input about potential spokesperson partnerships they’re considering to make sure they’re a good fit. My colleague presented me with the background checks she had done on some new spokesperson candidates and wanted to “flag” for me that one of them has publicly spoken about having bipolar disorder. Again, I couldn’t hold back. I said, “I don’t see why this is a ‘flag.’ It would be ridiculous for our client to avoid this individual simply because they opened up about being bipolar.” I felt a little guilty for lashing out at this person and explained that I have a strong personal agenda to help eliminate stigmas surrounding mental illness in society. She also knows what happened with my dad and apologized for being insensitive but felt they should at least know about it. I appreciated her acknowledgement.
Today, I was in another meeting where my boss said something along the lines of, “well, if this [issue] is going to make you blow your brains out…” She immediately caught herself and rephrased it a different way. But, still, that was the straw that broke my back. I am just venting but I am sick and tired of the way people so flippantly talk about suicide and matters related to it. Every time I hear it, I get upset thinking about what my dad did and how serious it is (and how unserious these peoples’ comments are).
I have begun to resign myself to the fact that no one will understand this until suicide is something they have experienced (which I will never wish upon anyone). But, the other part of me doesn’t want to stop fighting. One of my first posts on this blog was about eradicating suicide innuendos in society and I still wish for this to be the case. You can read it by clicking here.
Do comments about suicide arise during your work day, too?
Hi Becky
I totally feel your frustration and lately I too have had a heightened annoyance to people throwing those words around. My father too committed suicide about three and half years ago by shooting himself. I was recently out with good friends and multiple times heard the comment I would kill myself or shoot myself. These are good friends of mine and it felt very insensitive but I know it was not meant to be but it made me very uncomfortable to hear them saying it like nothing. The sad thing and frustrating thing is that our society commonly just throws around these phrases without thinking about the true meaning or implications of what they are saying.
Yes, yes, yes! I can completely related. I lost my husband to suicide 1 1/2 years ago and these things trigger me so much. Coworkers say things like this in front me all the time, and I also see it on television and in movies. I have to admit that I used to use such phrases before experiencing suicide loss myself, so I can’t expect people to understand who haven’t gone through it. People just don’t think before they speak. I wish they would because it would make my days so much easier.
Yes I totally agree with what you said. People just get use to using certain phrases. In my part of the country it’s “I could just die”. The phrase that bothers me the most about suicide is”he/she committed suicide”. People that have a suicide in the family use the phrase completed suicide. I’m on a group for parents who have loss kids to suicide. The most refreshing thing about this group is they all use “completed suicide”. The words committed suicide cut like a knife,even more than “I’ll just shoot myself”.
This is a good point, Jackie. We have touched on this in posts in the pasts and there also seems to be a great debate over how to phrase what our loved ones did. It sounds all around like “completed” is preferred.
This is also a pet peeve of mine. Do not be embarrassed at your reactions. Words are potent and powerful indicators and manipulators of our moods. Yes, people are insensitive but I no longer refuse to accept it quietly.
When I was about to sit for the bar exam, and someone said to me “don’t take the train coz you will just think jumping in front of the train is easier than taking the test” and I called them on it – that is how my friend killed himself. Before that, I had just left, gotten quiet and agonized quietly but that one time was so blatantly painful I didn’t think and just told her why it bothered me. Now I speak out. It sometimes makes people uncomfortable, sometimes apologetic and sometimes not. But each time, they gain an awareness of what they say and its impact. Not only on survivors of suicide loss but also, as we well know, the many people who may be outwardly ok and inside contemplating this awful step – why should we normalize it in conversation? Why should we ever present it as an okay option to a problem? Or trivialize it?
Again, I agree wholeheartedly. The term “committed” indicates that our loved ones were involved in criminal act, and it just does not do the situation justice. They are not criminals, they are victims and survivors. I tend to use “took his life,” “lost to suicide,” or “died by suicide,” but I am also okay with the phrase “completed suicide.” The term “committed” makes me so angry!
Thank you for bring this issue to the forefront. I lost my daughter to suicide over two years ago and I know how insensitive people can be and are. Most feel that I should have moved on and where is the old me. Guess what I am not the same person anymore and am more sensitive to mindless comments made by others. I do agree that if you have never experienced such devastating loss you have no clue how hurtful ignorant comments can be. I prefer the died by suicide narrative rather than the commit suicide senarnio. It for me is easier.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was a child. The pain never goes away, but you’re ability to speak about it is a great coping and healing strategy. Hopefully one day people will understand the truth behind mental illness and suicide. Until then, those of us who have been touched by darker side of loss will have to battle on. Luckily more and more of us are reaching out for one another. I am thankful that I can now confide in others. It has taken a long time to get here. Time is our greatest ally in this fight and I believe that our perseverance WILL pay off. Thank you for sharing and it WILL get better.
Yikes – all of the above! Too many people are disconnected and insensitive. My son (and only child) ended his life 6 years ago. My father ended his life 32 years ago. I have dealt with the inane comments for A LONG TIME! People don’t think, many don’t care, and way too many are cliche’ happy.
A month after my son’s death, my husband’s co-worker wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Really? I stared at him incredulously and he muttered a barely audible apology.
Several years later, a friend/colleague (mother of two) – who knew and adored my son – greeted me at work the Monday morning after Mother’s Day with an upbeat “Hey, how was your weekend? Was it lovely?” I stared at her with a look of angry bewilderment, to which she then asked “What is the matter?” Ummmm…. instead of me answering, please give some deep thought as to exactly how you think the Mother’s Day weekend was for me! “OH” she says, “I didn’t think about that.”
Continuing to work with her for another couple of years, I was exasperated with her all-too-often comments of “I’m going to shoot myself”, and “I might as well hang myself before my boss does”.
Grrrrr….. not sure many people are fixable when they have the problem of being insensitive toward others.
Oh, Cathy – I’m so sorry! Those are awfully insensitive comments you’ve faced. I’m also sorry for both of your losses.
Thank you Becky. Good for you for having the courage to write about your anger after repeatedly being the recipient of “aloof innuendos and comments about suicide”. Most people avoid this topic. All along, when I vent to others about this insensitivity problem, they typically provide an excuse and give a pass to the rude person.
While I realize there is sometimes an OOPS in conversation, this is not the case most of the times that I’ve encountered these insensitive comments. It is not intentionally mean, but is certainly not a comment made with loving care. I’ve even been told by some that I am overly sensitive! I’m tired of robotic rhetoric.
I thought that recent high-profile suicides (L’Wren Scott, Robin Williams) would result in a change in our society where people would not be so quick to make these type of comments. But I don’t see any change at all.
My remedy is to avoid most conversations by isolating myself – ie, you can’t change others; but you can change yourself.