It is amazing to me how much grief changes you. After losing my dad to suicide, I never really thought about how future deaths would impact me. My father’s suicide instilled this unequivocal fear that others would die tragically. How could I not have that fear? It happened once before, maybe it will happen again. Much time and energy has been directed to this fear yet little has been directed to how I would cope if tragedy struck again. So when tragedy did strike again, I was caught completely off guard.
About a month ago, I experienced the loss of an unborn child. I know people who have experienced this type of loss before, but never truly understood it until I experienced it myself. It wasn’t easy to let go of the life I already planned for the little one inside me, but it was even harder not to choose to go down a path that I have once been. This loss brought me to yet another crossroads. One similar to the one I faced after losing my dad to suicide. I have had a fear of being at this crossroad again, but never really thought about what I would do.
Here is the thing about life; it is hard, and it most certainly isn’t always fair. I came to accept this realization after losing my dad to suicide. Losing my dad to suicide has altered my life expectations. This may seem a bit cynical or pessimistic, but to me it is just reality. I feel that we often have this perception of what life should be, and when it doesn’t meet the expectations based on our perception we become bitter, angry and maybe even depressed. I see this happening in the lives of loved ones all the time. I have been this person, and for a brief period I became this person after my most recent loss. I remember thinking to myself, “Really? Haven’t I been through enough?” But that is just it. In a sense, I do not think I have been through enough. Why? Because I am still living. Loss, hurt, pain, and sorrow are all a part of life. My acceptance of this is what helped me choose the right path while sitting at the crossroad after my most recent loss.
What I have learned about life is that it is all about managing your expectations. If we expect life to always be perfect, we are bound for failure. So while I sat on my path starring at the crossroads in front of me, I made a conscious choice. A choice to not let this world break me. I chose not to let the pain define who I am, or alter my perception of the life I have been given. Do I still feel hurt, anger and pain when I think about both my most recent loss and the loss of my father; absolutely. I am only human. I just choose not to let that pain define who I am.
Experiencing loss after losing anyone to suicide can be difficult. Allow yourself to be angry, bitter and sad. Sit on your path for awhile and truly allow yourself to feel these emotions. Then, make a choice.
Wonderfully written. I commented on another post once and just want to say thanks and I feel connected to you just by our losses. Sad but good at the same time. I haven’t had a loss after my dad yet but I fear it. I know if I am getting through losing my dad to suicide that I am already pretty dang tough! 🙂
I am so happy that our blog has been helpful for you! I feel that we survivors have this unspoken bond. We understand a concept that others simply can’t. I love your last statement!!! You are SO right…you ARE pretty dang tough! I am so happy that you recognize that:)
I am sure your article will provoke some controversy but I have to say, I totally agree with you. I lost my son, Terry, to suicide, on August 21, 2010, and knew early on I could not let his death define my life (or his). It has been a difficult path (and continues to be at times) but I have come to a place of acceptance that I cannot change what is. It has allowed me to let joy back into my life. And I have become a Suicide Awareness Advocate, because no one is immune. Here is a link to a speech I gave in Belfast N Ireland in November 2012. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSy3hU5hMEQ
Barbara, thank you for sharing your speech. I will be sure to check it out. I love that you have become a Suicide Awareness Advocate. If you ever want to write something for our blog, we would be happy to share with our readers. Like you, I continue to work my way through this life long grief journey. I know my father would not want me to define myself by his death. I honor him by not allowing it too. Thank you for reading!
Barbara, I just watched your talk this morning and it confirmed in me a very strong desire to continue writing and speaking about suicide loss in my community and in an online presence. Your talk brought tears as I lost my mother a little over 2 years ago and I am very familiar with this journey of loss by suicide and the grief that follows. I just recently wrote a two part post on a friend’s blog as a beginnings of my “coming out” to share my story of loss. I love your phrasing of “making the unspeakable speakable”…this is my desire as well. I’ve linked to my posts and would love your feedback. Peace to you.
https://closeddoorsopenwindows.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/suicide-survivor-shares-her-journey-through-grief-pt-1/
https://closeddoorsopenwindows.wordpress.com/2015/02/04/grieving-grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide/
Erin, if you have any interest, we would love to feature your story on our blog as well. We can either link it in a post, or you could send something? Let me know what you think!
Barbara, with your permission, we would love to share your message. Please email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com and let me know if that would be ok!
-Jessica
Your words really give me hope that life will not break me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You are so very welcome Gloria. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you continue to find hope in our words. I promise you this world will not break you.
Your reply brought tears to my eyes. Today is my ex husbands/ father of my kids birthday. first birthday since hes been gone. i feel so weak today. i want to be strong. i isolate myself from the world. I have dreams of him every night and wake up thinking hes alive. I live thinking ” what if” i said something different, What if i didnt divorce him and so on. His family hates me for leaving him but i had to save my kids from his destructive behavior tht he chose not to change. He was a bad person, made very bad choices but i miss him like hell and my kids still do not that he took his own life. I am hurting bad and the worst part is being a single mom i have to put on a happy face for my children. I am so afraid that death will take someone else i love. I want to live again. i want to smile! I thought abut writing but i feel like there is so much that i feel i need to keep hidden. Sorry for this novel. i wish i could be like you. i want to make that choice to not let life break me but i feel like i am stuck.
Important dates, like a birthday, always bring painful feeling to the surface. My father has been gone for a little over 3 years, and dates like his birthday always remind me that he is no longer here. The guilt and shame that follow a suicide is so overwhelming for survivors. I truly believe that shame makes us hide and bury our feelings. Try to remember that HE made the choice to end his life. You did not make the decision for him. The “what-ifs” and “should haves” will drive you crazy. They drove me to a very dark place after my father’s death. There are days that I still feel this overwhelming sense of sadness thinking about what I could have done differently. These feelings do not make us weak; they make us human. Remember that this path you are on is a journey. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Remember the reasons you walked away from the relationship. It sounds like you have had to be strong for your children even before his death. They are so lucky to have a mother with such strength. We all find our way….sometimes it just takes a little time. I am not sure if you have any support groups in your area, but my survivor group was my saving grace. It allowed me to say everything I felt, and truly feel understood. And remember that making the choice to not let a death define you is not one that is made overnight; it is one that is made in time, when we feel ready to move forward. You are stronger than you think!
I appreciate your kind words. Thank you.
Jessica, I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your baby. I can’t offer you any words of wisdom or comfort that you haven’t already experienced from healing through your father’s death, but I can say that you are still and will always be a mama to a wonderful, beautiful child; you’ll just have to wait a while longer to meet. Xo.
Jessica,
First, sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing.
This hit home to me in many ways. The year I lost my father to suicide was brutal. I lost my grandfather shortly before. And within 4 months, I was crushed when we lost my brother in an accident. I was extremely close with my brother, and in the months following my fathers death, we leaned on each other to keep the family moving forward. Then my brother was killed. When you experience another loss, and another significant loss in that short a period of time, its crushing. In many ways, you don’t know which grief you are dealing with when things hit you.
For me at least, in no way am I “healed”. Part of me is forever broken. But I also chose not to let those things fully define who I am, as you spoke of here. Its all a part of me, forever, of course. Everything changes, perceptions, etc.. Its been over 10 yrs, I took time, went through counseling, let things happen. I’ve gotten married, have kids, and a good, solid, happy family.
What is so important is what you said. You must, must, must, take the time to grieve. While that grief never truly goes away, that choice does come. And the grief..dissapates…for lack of a better term. But for me, the choice was to move forward.
.