The holiday season can be especially difficult for those who have lost a loved one to suicide, as we face a number of emotions including sadness, guilt, anger and shame. I have found that many survivors think about their loved ones more frequently during this time as we are reminded that they are no longer with us. Survivors often feel conflicted not knowing if it is ok to feel happy during this time of year. I have written a few posts about the difficult grief process (found at the bottom of this post) that we face as survivors. I recently came across the article, “20 Things I Wish Someone Told me About Grief” on the Mind Body Green blog and wanted to share it. I have included the 20 things as written by the author, Shannon Kaiser in an effort to help those who may be struggling during the holidays after a suicide.
1. We don’t actually get over losses. We absorb them, and they redirect us into a more grounded way of living.
2. You’ll discover depths of your love you never knew existed.
3. Never regret loving the way you did. Love is always worth it.
4. People may say hurtful, stupid things. Don’t take it personally. They are often just trying to help.
5. There isn’t always a spiritual aha moment or a reason. Sometimes, it just is what it is.
6. Know you did the best you could with the time you had. Forgive yourself. There is nothing more you could have done or said.
7. Anger is normal. Feel it. Embrace it. Allow it to work through you.
8. Death brings out the best in families. It will also bring out the worst. Be prepared.
9. Losing a loved one might make you question your purpose and your own goals. That can be a beautiful thing.
10. You will find comfort in the most unexpected places.
11. Sudden bursts of emotion are part of the process. Allow yourself to be fully present in them.
12. There is no such thing as normal when it comes to grieving. Be patient and kind to yourself.
13. People will show you who they truly are. When times are tough you will see others true colors.
14. You will never go back to being your “old” self.
15. There is no timeline for grieving.
16. Losing a loved one reminds us of what matters most in life. Don’t lose perspective.
17. Experiencing great loss is an opportunity to drop the ego and live more from your heart.
18. Numbing the pain will make it worse. don’t procrastinate the process. Feel your feelings.
19. Your life was richer and more wonderful because of the love you had.
20. What feels like the end is often a new beginning.
Previous posts related to grief after suicide:
Why Grieving a Suicide is so Complicated
The Stages of Grief After a Suicide-Shame
The Stages of Grief After a Suicide-Guilt
This is wonderful. I was wondering if I am allowed to repost this? I know lots of others who could benefit and was hoping to put it on facebook if that is allowed. Just let me know.
Thanks!
Erin I am happy to hear that this post was helpful for you! Yes please feel free to share this post and any others that you find helpful!
I’d been doing my best to absorb the Christmas spirit. My mom asked me to call the local Harley dealership to try and sell my dad’s bike. I had a difficult time doing my best not to cry while on the phone with him. I just kept thinking how disappointed he would be knowing we were selling his bike. And it made me so angry with him (my dad). As soon as I got off the phone I just bawled.
It’s been nine months since my dad took his own life. I just feel so angry because I love him and miss him and I wish I could tell him that it hurts me so much that he didn’t try to talk to me. Or maybe he did and I was just too preoccupied with my own life to listen. I’m screaming inside because I can’t blame anyone for this lack of communication.
Lorrain, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. What you are experiencing is so normal. Anger that we are left to make decisions related to their possessions, and sadness that they are no longer here. I like to think that they can see the pain that we are experiencing, but have finally found the peace they so desperately wanted. The guilt makes the grief process so difficult. The “What ifs” and “Should haves” can intensify that anger and often we turn it on ourselves. We all make peace with that in our own time. As a survivor, almost three years out, I will say that eventually you find peace. I can promise you that there was nothing you could have done to alter your father’s actions. Please know it is ok to be angry. We all grieve differently, and in our own time. I do hope that our site can be helpful for you during your journey. We will be thinking of you during this holiday season. We know that it isn’t always easy.
Thank you for writing this. New Year’s Day will make 6 years since my younger brother took his own life, and the holidays are super, super hard for me. Christmas Day was the last time I saw him alive. On top of the grieving still being so fresh, I was recently diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The guilt I feel from my brother’s death weighs really heavily on me during the holidays. This list won’t be easy for me to keep in mind sometimes, but I am going to save it so I can come back & read it when I need to. Again, I thank you, and I wish you & yours the very best during the holidays <3
Shanna, we are so sorry for your loss. We do hope that future posts can be helpful for you, as we know how difficult grief is after suicide. Wishing you the best during the holidays as well!
I’ve lost an older brother and a younger sister to suicide an the after math effect is horiffic I’ve seen how it afected my family an many family,s also.. So unfortunately I know all the zones u go trough ye learn to live as best ye can with it… And just take each day as it is….
You are absolutely correct Lisa…just take it one day at a time. Thinking of you during the holiday season.