I recently moved and have spent the past couple days with my head buried in boxes. I took a few minutes this evening to see what was going on outside the confines of my home. It saddened me to see that, Brittany Maynard has ended her life. As I read through the People article, “Terminally Ill Woman Brittany Maynard Has Ended Her Own Life,” I couldn’t help but think about my dad and his choice to end his own life. I took some time to read through the comments and felt saddened by how differently the world has looked at her death as opposed to the death of my father. I still do not understand how these two deaths are different? Is dying with dignity suicide?
The article includes a previous comment by Brittany Maynard where she notes, “For people to argue against this choice for sick people really seems evil to me,” she told PEOPLE. “They try to mix it up with suicide and that’s really unfair, because there’s not a single part of me that wants to die. But I am dying.” After reading this comment I was extremely frustrated as it continues to show the lack of understanding that society has regarding suicide. My dad did not want to die; he wanted to end his pain. Just like Brittany Maynard. Those who die by suicide are in pain. Maybe not physically, like Brittany Maynard, but emotionally. They see no other way, no other choice, no other option. Brittany Maynard, and the rest of the world doesn’t get it. People who die by suicide do not want to die. They would love to live, but their emotional pain is a heavy weight to bare. Living becomes too difficult, too painful, too exhausting. So, they choose to end their life. Seems pretty similar to me.
As I read through the comments I felt this overwhelming sense of jealousy. Sounds awful, but I have to be honest. The majority of the comments noted her “bravery” and “courage.” We have seen the article headlines over and over noting that she is “Dying with Dignity.” I do not think that anyone has ever used those two words to describe my father’s death. And they certainly have never called his death “dignified.” When it comes to suicide the words usually used are, “selfish” “weak” and “crazy.” When I tell others that my father died by suicide, I see the look in their eyes. The look is often followed by a desire to speak about the man he was in order to avoid judgement and preserve his character. Many questions follow as others try to understand why my father would have chosen to leave this world. I wonder what the response would be if I told them he had a terminal illness? Would they be more accepting? Would it make more sense to them?
Brittany Maynard had brain cancer. She was stage 4 and was told that her time has limited. She chose to die on her own terms. She could have fought the battle longer, but chose not to. Brittany notes, “I’ve discussed with many experts how I would die from it and it’s a terrible, terrible way to die. So being able to choose to go with dignity is less terrifying.” What I wish the world would understand is that those who die by suicide leave this world because tomorrow terrifies them. Life is a constant battle. They wake up everyday fighting their own internal battle. It may not be dignified in the eyes of others, but it is no different in my mind. Just like Brittany, they want to end their pain.
Thank you so much for posting this – I also read some of the article and saw that Brittany Maynard had eluded to our loved ones “wanting to die.” It bothered me when I read it, but I wasn’t sure if I was the only one. Our loved ones didn’t want to die either – they also wanted to end their pain and suffering. The only difference is that the root of that pain and suffering was not cancer, but some other insidious issue that made their lives unbearable. Thanks again for writing this!
Absolutely Erin. The root of our loved ones pain was just different. It is difficult for others to understand, but emotional pain can be just as painful as physical pain that accompanies a terrible illness like cancer. I do hope that posts like this one will help the world understand, and end the stigma surrounding both suicide and mental illness.
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been following Mrs. Maynard’s story and just couldn’t put my finger on what was rubbing me the wrong way. You put into words what I was feeling. I do feel that people who die by suicide aren’t choosing to die, they are choosing to end their pain. My 17 year old son died by suicide June 12, 2014. Depression was his terminal illness.
Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn’t agree more with your statement. Depression is a terminal illness. What society fails to understand is that mental illness cannot be cured. Medications can only do so much, and often it takes many tries to find one that will actually work.
Jessica and Nicole, This is so beautiful and true! Jessica you have a wonderful way with your words to be able to put to paper the thoughts in your head. I am so sorry for the loss of your father! This grieves me! There is such a stigma attached to suicide and it is sad that people look at your father’s death so different from this young lady’s death. They are the same in my mind. terminal illness doesn’t have to be physical. Mental illness and depression run rampant in this world and is understood by few! I’m not sure that even understanding it more would reduce the suicide events. We need to love with an unconditional love like Jesus did for us. Please keep sharing! Prayers and blessings to you both!
Thank you Tracie for your kind words. I am not sure if having a better understanding would reduce suicide rates, but I do like to think that it would help others feel more comfortable asking for help when they need it. If anything, a better understanding would help reduce the stigma. I too agree that we all need to be more loving, and not judge what we do not understand.
If there were better treatments for depression and other mental illnesses… … …
After many years of thought and research it seems to me that people that die by suicide are in as much pain as someone with a physical terminal illness. The pain is simply located in a different place. And it’s not just depression. There are other mental illnesses that wreak havoc on a person, their lives, and their loved ones.
Things like schizophrenia, severe bi-polar, etc., are a life long sentence. Depending on severity these illnesses don’t have good treatments. So, should people be allowed to make the choice to opt out? I think so. Those of us watching and not living with these things are not in any position to judge and wanting to keep someone alive for *us* is selfish.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. If truth be told I probably have had this most of my life. But back in my day they didn’t know the things they do now. I finally crashed and burned when I was 40. When I was 29 my husband died by suicide. I can see this from both sides. When I’m unmediated I fall in to this horrible black hole. The pain is indescribable. I can fully understand reaching the end of tolerance with that kind of pain. Of just not wanting to wake up, just wanting the pain to be gone. I’m lucky that there is a drug that works so wonderfully for me and makes me feel “normal”. Whatever normal is. As long as there is a treatment that works that well for me I’m good. I’m safe. Not so for a lot of people suffering from these mental illnesses.
Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I agree with everything that you said. Mental illness truly is a life long sentence that causes a tremendous amount of pain. I have found that society often judges what they do not understand. I hope that my voice and the voices of others will help them understand what mental illness truly is. I am so happy that you have been able to find a medication that works for you. I like that you put “normal” in quotes, as I too do not know what “normal” is. I hope that one day there will be treatments available for all who suffer from mental illness.
Stay strong!
Jessica
Thank you for sharing. You can clearly articulate yourself. The world needs more people like you, Jessica, to help change society and see suicide clearly from both sides. Mental health needs more available funding, information, correct information and research. Mental illness is healthcares “closet child.” But, it can change!
Kim, thank you for your kind words. It is my hope that my voice can help change the public’s perception. I will continue to write, and continue to work to end the stigma surrounding both suicide and mental illness.
Thank God for this site…..If I can keep reading this….then maybe, possibly, hopefully, I WILL NOT finally succeed in taking my own life.
So much of what I have read so far, is that suicide is not a choice, reality is, the pain is often sometimes so unbearable. I am hanging on by a thread. And just so you know, I am not trying to be “selfish” in trying to take my own life, because the guilt is so incredibly overwhelming when I think of leaving my loved ones behind. Trust me, I have heard it all….how incredibly selfish I am, how can I continue to do this to them etc….but yet, they do not, nor will they ever experience the darkness I feel. I also hope this gives the survivors some insight into what does happen, in our weakest darkest moments. I am 45 years old. I hope that you will allow me to continue reading here, as I am finding this blog somewhat more helpful then any medication, therapy ( been doing that since I was 13 !! ) Failed attempts….my therapist currently, asked me how I thought the train conductor would have felt, had I succeeded this last time. I was actually stunned, because in that moment, I was definitely not even thinking of a train conductor, and how it could have impacted his life had I succeeded. I can understand if you would prefer me not to comment or read this blog. But for the first time in my 45 years, reading this has awoken something different inside me. Thank you for listening. My heart goes out to all of you that have lost loved ones due to suicide. There have been 3 successful suicides in my family as well. So, ultimately I guess in some aspects, I can see and understand from both perspectives. Again, I thank you.
Peace & Love,
~Susan~
Susan, I am so happy to hear that our site is helpful for you. When we created this site, our goal was to offer hope and inspiration to those who have lost a loved one to suicide. Our hope was that posts related to our grief would help others feel less alone. I am so sorry for the losses that have occurred in your family. Please continue to work with your therapist. I also always recommend groups for survivors. That was the one place where I truly felt like people understood what I was experiencing. We hope that our future posts continue to bring you hope. Wishing you the best during the holiday season.