As human beings, we make assumptions on a regular basis. When we walk outside and see dark clouds, we assume it is going to rain. So, we grab an umbrella to protect us from getting wet. Our assumptions are based on our own beliefs. They are shaped by our past experiences. They help us make sense out of this world. While one might assume that assumptions can often make grief after suicide even more complicated as we survivors search for the meaning of suicide, I have found comfort in my assumptions. How can assumptions help us heal?
With any long-term relationship comes assumptions. Whether it is a parent, child, sibling, aunt/uncle, friend or spouse, we assume we understand the other person. In reality, however, we can only know another person by what they allow us to see on the outside. The only person who truly understands our loved ones thoughts, feelings, motivations, and beliefs, is that person. Survivors are often blind-sided by their loved ones death, as we assume that what we see on the outside replicates what our loved one was feeling on the inside. I heard it over and over again at my father’s funeral as people noted, “he was so happy” or “he always had a smile on his face.” Nobody could understand how someone so happy could die by suicide. Everyone was trying to find the meaning in suicide.
I witnessed this again after the tragic loss of actor/comedian, Robin Williams. Repeatedly in the media, I heard people question how someone so funny, so full of life, could die by suicide. Again, we were trying to find meaning in suicide. I remember reading an article that actually gave a reason for Robin William’s death noting that he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. “This must be the reason for his death” the article noted, because how could someone who “had it all” die by suicide. When someone dies by suicide we make assumptions in order to find the meaning in the suicide of our loved one.
I found comfort by acknowledging that maybe I didn’t know my father as well as I thought I did. I never knew the depth of his pain, or his continued battle with depression and anxiety. He did not allow me to see this part of him. It wasn’t until his death that I got a glimpse into how much pain he was in, and how hard he tried to survive. In his home we found shelf after shelf filled with self-help books. All highlighted, written in, and bookmarked. We found journals that we never knew he kept. Some only half written in. You could see his own peaks and valleys; times when life was good and times when life wasn’t so good. The one thing that was apparent was what a struggle life had been for him.
Sometimes we need to make assumptions in order to make sense of the world. I made assumptions in order to find meaning in suicide. I assume that my father looked at suicide as the only way to finally have peace. I assume he was tired of fighting, tired of trying to survive. I assume he loved his family, and thought that what he was doing was for the best. I assume that he has finally found his peace.
Vicki Black says
This is beautifully written. Can I share with my nursing students? I would, of course, give you credit. Kind regards, Vicki
Jessica says
Thank you Vicki. I would love for you to pass along my post to your students!
Erin says
This is beautiful – thanks so much for putting words to our feelings and experiences.
Emily says
This is almost exactly how my family felt about my dad. Thank you for wording it so perfectly.
Deb Prothero says
Jessica,
Sorry for the loss of your father.
As a survivor myself, I have found that belonging to and participating in a yahoo group with other survivors has been the best medicine for me. Helps me relate with others as we walk this journey on a path we not have chosen.
You have captured one aspect of a survivor’s thought patterns so clearly in the blog entry – trying to answer Why? This is a perennial question that pops up again and again around anniversaries, birthdays and days to be remembered. May I share your blog entry with the Spousal Survivors group?
Thanks
Deb
Jessica says
Hi Deb-
I completely agree with you…joining a survivors group is so beneficial! I was joined an 8 week survivor group after the loss of my father and found it to be so healing. Actually, that is where I met Becky and Lindsay, the other two bloggers on our site. They are still the people I turn to when I need to talk about my grieving process.
When talking to other survivors, I too have found that the WHY continues to play a role in the grief process. Please feel free to share my post and any others that you think would be helpful for your survivors group.
I too am so sorry for your loss Deb.
Jessica
Sharon Konstantinidis says
I lost my son and only child Thanksgiving day 2015 at the age of 35. We were very close as I raised him as a single parent and had a loving relationship. It is one year and I struggle with overwhelming grief. I live overseas and had my son’s personal belongings shipped here. I was totally shocked to find a journal which he told of his intention to commit suicide when he was 17. We had lost my father that year and I never knew the profound effect his death had on my son. He even described looking down at his own wake and funeral and described in detail everything from the suit he was buried in to who would be sitting where. I thought I knew him but you never know what is going on inside another’s mind. I tried to get him help for his fragile mind but in the end everything I tried was futile.