WHY is grieving a suicide so complicated? WHY is it so difficult to move on after losing a loved one to suicide? WHY does it shatter your world? Yes, I meant to capitalize every single letter in the word WHY. Why? Because, the questions we have, the desire to fill in the blanks, the need to complete the puzzle, often prohibit us from moving forward in the aftermath of suicide as we constantly ask ourselves, “WHY did our loved one end their life?”
I do not know a single person who is comfortable with the unknown. Uncertainty is unsettling. It is human nature to have difficulty accepting what we do not understand. We need answers. We need to understand. This desire to understand begins early in life, as children drive their parents crazy constantly asking, “why?” Our need to understand helps us learn, helps us make decisions, helps us move forward. When we are unable to understand, we often become stuck. This constant search for meaning in the aftermath of a suicide impacts our ability to grieve and our ability to move forward.
After I lost my father, I remember playing the part of a detective with my sister. We searched every inch of his house sure that we would find something that would help us understand why he left this world. We went through his books, reading what he had highlighted. We went through his day planner, reading every last note that he wrote to himself. We searched his emails and went through the history on his computer. We met with his therapist, his friends, and talked to the neighbors. We went through his medicine cabinet, his drawers, and even the pockets of his clothing. I wish I could say that we found something; but we didn’t. I was stuck in the unknown, trying to make sense of something that I simply did not understand.
If you are reading this post, than I am assuming that you have been touched by suicide. Maybe you are even feeling stuck right now, questioning how you will be able to move forward when every ounce of time and energy is being spent in the past as you try to make sense of the unknown. Last week, a woman who recently lost her mother asked, “Does it get easier?” I sat for quite sometime trying to think of a honest answer to her question. I could have given her the standard, “Time heals all wounds” line, but its more complicated than that, and takes more work. We all have to find our own way. How I have mourned the loss of my father is not the only way or the right way. I had to do what was best for me, in order to become unstuck and move forward. I still do not have the answers that I was searching for in the days following my father’s death. I still do not have an answer to the infamous WHY. Unfortunately, I will never have that answer, because the only person who holds that last puzzle piece is my dad. That is what I have had to accept.
Through my own experiences, I have found that spending time trying to figure out WHY only brought me more hurt, anger, and shame. But, trying to make sense of it all was something I had to do in order to move forward. It was part of my grief process. Grief in the aftermath of suicide is complicated. There is no right or wrong. We need to do what is best for us in order to move forward. After you read this, I challenge you to go do something that brings you joy. I would love to hear what you did and how it impacted your day. Feel free to comment on this post, or email me directly at OurSideofSuicide@gmail.com.
I find pure peace when I’m in a boat out on a lake. However, this time of year in Colorado makes that hard to do, so I go there in my mind. Sorry for your loss. I am 8 months out from losing my husband. There is such a stigma surrounding a loss through suicide. It makes grieving so much harder and include so many more emotions than the standard so-called stages of grief. I find it hard to talk to anyone in my family or friends about my grief because they just don’t understand. Thanks for your article.
Jan, I am so very sorry for your loss. Being a Colorado girl myself, I definitely understand how this time of year can be difficult for those of us who have lost a loved one to suicide. I understand the isolation you feel as a survivor, as you are right, nobody truly understands how difficult the grief process is in the aftermath of a suicide. Finding a survivor group was my saving grace. Being among people who knew exactly how I was feeling helped me feel less alone. I highly recommend one if you have them available in your area. I hope that our articles help you feel less alone as you grieve Jan. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I have recently lost my partner to suicide this post has helped I’m so confused hurt angry sad and empty
Victoria, we are so very sorry for your loss. As a survivor I understand the wide array of emotions you experience in the aftermath of a suicide. Finding a survivor support group helped me tremendously. Being among others who knew EXACTLY how I was feeling helped me grieve. I know that support groups can be difficult to find, so I have included a couple resources for you.
The American Foundation of Suicide lists support groups throughout the country; here is the link:
http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support/find-a-support-group
If you do not have a support group in your area, I recommend the Alliance of Hope, forum. I have spoken to many who have utilized this as their support group and say that it “saved them” after their loss.
http://forum.allianceofhope.org/index.php
I hope these are helpful for you. Please know that we are always here. I hope future posts bring you comfort as well.
I lost my Dad to suicide on September 28, 2014. He was 58. I have two small children and life has been pretty hard lately. I am in the midst of trying to figure out why. He didn’t leave a note or anything. People keep telling me I won’t get the answers I am searching for but I feel it is a part of my grieving process. I know I will never know exactly why. I am currently waiting for his medical records from the hospital and also waiting for autopsy results. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts and advice. It helps to know that I am not alone.
Hi Janine-
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure by now you are tired of people telling you this…I know I was. Will you get the answers you are searching for?? I don’t necessarily think the answer is, “no.” As a survivor I have found that I need to find my own answers to help me grieve. Truth be told, I will never know exactly why my father took his life. He is the only person who knows that answer. However, I formed my own beliefs based on the pieces I was able to put together. My dad did not leave a note. From talking to other survivors, I am not sure if a note helps or hurts the process because at the time of our fathers’ death they were not the person we knew. I too awaited for the result of his autopsy in hopes that maybe that would help me understand. Unfortunately, the only thing they found were anxiety medications, which I knew he was on. No alcohol. No illegal drugs. It was upsetting to me, because I wanted there to be something! Please know that you are not alone through your grief journey. It is a journey filled with many peaks and valleys. You will find your peace in your own time. You may not find THE answer, but I promise you will find answers to bring you comfort. We are always here if you need someone to talk to.
Jessica
My Dad also overdosed on medication, his antidepressants. We know that much but not anything else. It’s hard waiting for the full results even though I know I probably won’t get the answers I want. I still feel numb, and I don’t know when the reality will finally sink in. I question every day how can he be dead? I don’t get it. It’s like a giant hole in my heart and I can’t fill it. I can’t even put a band-aid on it. I’ll never see him again, never hug him again, never smell his “Dad” smell again, never get his advice again…I wish I could have made him better. Loved him more. Talked to him more. Made more effort to see him. To talk to him. To get him to open up. Regret and guilt are rampant.
What you are feeling is so incredibly normal after such a tragic loss. What you are describing is identical to what I experienced after my father’s death. Our brains’ have a difficult time conceptualizing something that we never imagined possible. It is a complicated grief journey, one that I feel is much different than those who have lost a loved one naturally. As a survivor, almost three years out, I can promise you that it does get easier and less painful. I still miss my father like crazy but that “sting,” that pain you describe in your heart, does lessen. Lindsey, Becky and I all grieved in our own time. Lindsey and Becky went to group therapy and individual therapy immediately. I waited almost a year, until I felt I was ready. We all agree that our group was so helpful. When you feel ready, I would recommend looking for a support group in your area. Sitting among people who actually understood what I was going through helped so much. I can provide you with a few resources if you would like. Please feel free to email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com.
I put decorations on the christmas tree. This was my son TRocky’s favorite holiday. He was 20yrs old and left our world 4mo.ago. I wasnt going to have a tree or celebrate. When I hung the ornaments that we had so much fun picking out together, I looked to the skys and asked him what he thought….I smiled ,He would be too…….Thank you
Thank you for sharing Suzanne. What a special moment!
It has been 29 years…. 29 long ,sad,difficult years since I lost my husband to suicide. We were married on August 9,1986 and I buried him on September 19,1986. We were married for a short 5 weeks and 6 days when he shot and killed himself while I was home with him. I guess everyone finds a way to move on with life but I still have not…. yes I have remarried, have 2 beautiful kids that are now grown but only because life and the world pushed me this far. Inside I am still screaming and clawing to go back…. I look at photos of our wedding and I can’t remember what it was like to be that happy…. I don’t know the girl in those photos…I guess she died when he died. I just want my life back….the life I chose not the life I have been forced to live.
We were arguing….. I told him I was leaving… sure I may have left because I was angry but I would have come back…. didn’t he know that??? Didn’t he know I loved him???? I question why he didn’t kill me first…. why would he make the choice to leave our life but also choose to leave me? Even though I know we were arguing…. I was right there…. I still battle with WHY?WHY?WHY? every single day. What if …. are the most haunting words in life.
Does it get easier? NO! Time goes on, life moves forward but the pain is still as real today as it was 29 years ago. I have accepted that I will live out my life and when I take my last breath it will still be filled with all this pain and regret. Only people that have lost someone to suicide can truly understand the mental punishment we live with… and of course, it is all different when it is the loss of a parent,child,spouse,sibling,partner etc. The pain associated with each is different. The one thing that is never different is we all ask and live with why?
Why? Why? And what if?????
With love for us all searching for answers…. Lisa
Oct 5th was the worst day of my life, that’s the day I found out my dad’s life was over. Like a lot of the best “great fathers” among us, he worked hard ever SINGLE day of his life in my grandparents newspaper & printing business. Being the eldest son of 5 children, he was promised to inherit the business once they retired if he stayed & worked the business instead of going to college & so he did. After many many years his body began to feel all those long days & he was consumed by back pain with many ruptured discs along with hip replacements….After several surgeries throughout the early 90s he was then sent to pain mgmt & end up being prescribed methadone for pain. The drugs took hold of him as well as his digestive system making his existing pain that much worse. I took him to ever doc on the east coast from Jacksonville fl to the Mayo Clinic to Charlotte NC & ever specialists along the way for help. I thought I was being good daughter to him ….taking him to every appt, going back to my home town 3 to 4 times a month to get him grocies, prescriptions etc. whatever he needed I took care of. Then Sept 29 came & I didn’t know that this was gonna be my last visit & conversation with my dad, where I came to town & did his shopping for him, visited for an an hour where we got in a father/daughter fight then left to return back to Charleston. A week later the devastating flood of SC happened & I started calling him daily to see if he was ok bc of flooding of rivers in that town but i thought he wasn’t answering my calls bc he was still mad at me. That Monday the 5th he still wasn’t picking up so I called my gma to go by his home & check on him for me & she did….but what she found was him dead with the gun till in his hand. YEP, my dad shot him self & the note he left states that the pain was too great but that he woulfd hold off as long as he can, for him children.
Needless to say I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions ever since that day…wondering what I could’ve & should’ve done to still have my dad here. He was my dad but also my best friend who I feel I failed as his daughter to not help more fiercely else he would still be here with me…he never failed me but I failed him…and I am forever changed by this failure.😢
Hi Kim, I am sorry for your loss. I have lost my dad, almost 20 years ago, this coming December. I can understand the pain of such a loss. I am sorry for what happened. I will be praying for you. God bless you
It’s been 2 months since I lost my longtime friend, then turned into boyfriend of 15 years total. I still feel numb & completely lost. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to get out of bed even. I do work a FT job and go to work everyday, this is actually a good distraction from my sorrow, however, when I get home, it is silent & empty, it’s so lone,y. The weekends are the worse. I don’t know what I am supposed to do?
Any thoughts or suggestions?
We are so sorry for your loss. First and foremost I want to point out that this loss is very new, which means it is still incredibly raw. So be kind to yourself, and don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself. I highly recommend finding a support group for survivors of a suicide loss. I know they aren’t available in every area but worth looking into. Also, working with a therapist who has knowledge and experience with this type of loss can be life changing. Both Becky and myself worked with therapists individually, and attended a support group. We live in a society that often thinks that all loss is the same. It is viewed as, accept it and move on. Suicide loss is not like that and trying to overcome the pain by ourselves is nearly impossible. The more resources the better!