What do you think about when you hear the term “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” The first thing I think about is the military. We so often hear about our veterans returning home from war with symptoms of PTSD. We are also all aware that this untreated PTSD often leads to suicide. But, what we do not often think about is PTSD experienced by survivors in the aftermath of a suicide. In fact, I believe that PTSD after a suicide is more prevalent than we think.
The National Institute of Mental Health states that, “PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.” Essentially, PTSD can develop after someone experiences a traumatic event. I think it is important to discuss the trauma associated with suicide in order to identify how PTSD can develop in survivors.
The night my father took his life, my sister was the one to be notified. Around midnight, two policemen and a grief specialist rang her doorbell. Her husband quickly jumped out of bed, bewildered by who could be at the door at such a late hour. My brother-in-law answered the door while my sister stood on the stairs. She quickly ran to the door when the policemen asked, “Does the daughter of Robert L. live here?” She has expressed to me the pain and shock she experienced when the men told her that our father had taken his life. I flew back to Colorado shortly after receiving the call from my sister. I remember sitting up with her those nights following my father’s death. We were both somewhat creeped out and could not figure out why. My sister expressed to me the sickness she felt when she looked at her front door, and the fear she had that more bad news would come to her front door if she fell asleep. She discussed the jumpy feeling she had when someone rang the doorbell. I remember her saying, “It’s like I have PTSD, but how is that possible?” It is possible because my sister and I both just experienced a traumatic event. Something happened in our lives that would forever alter our path. The world as we knew it had changed.
My sister and I played detective after my father’s death. I am ok without knowing the details; in fact, knowing them makes it that much harder for me. My sister, however, needed to know every last detail. Within a week of my father’s death, we knew the gun he used, where and when he purchased it, where he was sitting, the angle of the gun, etc. You name it, we knew it. Talk about trauma! There isn’t a movie out there that could make me feel so ill. Why did we do this to ourselves? Because we wanted answers. As a survivor, you are always searching for answers that often do not exist. This search can expose you to more pain and trauma than the suicide itself. Experiencing this level of trauma can ignite symptoms of PTSD.
I did not speak to the pain and trauma experienced by those who may have witnessed or been the one to find their loved one. I have never been one to pretend to understand something that I simply cannot. I can only speak to my own experiences. What I can say as a licensed therapist is the risk of having symptoms of PTSD is greater for those who were a witness or found their loved ones. I want to also pass along the signs and symptoms of PTSD for those who are unsure if what they are experiencing is PTSD. You can read them by clicking that highlighted link.
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, please know that you are not alone. Know that what you are experiencing is a normal reaction after you lose a loved one to suicide. I encourage everyone to speak with a licensed professional when they feel ready. And if at first you don’t succeed, try again. Remember you are paying them, they aren’t paying you. So, if you do not feel a connection with the person who is treating you, don’t keep going. There are plenty of great therapists out there!
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I lost my husband to suicide 5 years ago last week I was the one who found him He slit his wrists in my kitchen and had died a few hours before I cant get the sight out of my mind even now five years later
Janice, I am so sorry that you were witness to such a traumatic event. As I stated in my post, I did not witness my father’s suicide but did play “detective” with my sister. Since I know so many details, I too have a difficult time getting the imagine of his last act out of my head. It still makes my stomach hurt to think about. It can be difficult but I try and redirect my focus when the image pops in my head. Have you been able to talk with anyone about it?
Oh Janice, trust me I know what you mean.The dynamic is so different if you were the one to find the body
. Please look into EyeMovement Desensitization, a technique being used for veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
There may be a practitioner in your area.
This worked well for me 2 years out, that vision kept coming back to hit me in the gut.After a few sessions, much better.
I am not a “woo woo”type of person, but this worked for me
You can Google it and perhaps find someone nearby you.
I wish you well,
I can still see the vision but no more gut reaction.
EMDR is an excellent technique! One of the best for PTSD!
I found my partner after he had hung himself in January. He had died a few hours before I found him. The vision of him, what it felt like to cut the rope he used…all of this I still get flashbacks and panic attacks from. I feel constantly on edge.
PTSD is real and strong for those who find their loved ones. I encourage you to work with a trauma focused therapist if you aren’t already. I promise the flashbacks and panic can end!
While I don’t know your story Carly, I know the physical horror. I too cut my fiance down. He hung himself in our home (my closet) just a little over a year ago. I will never understand how it is I can keep the scissors I used to cut him down with and feel nothing when I use them today, yet I had to get rid of the dress I wore that day. And I cant stomach just the name of the neighborhood where I know he was getting drugs. I tried EMDR with a specialist who works with veterans and found it to heighten my symptoms, maybe it was too soon. People often forget, its not just finding the person, its what happened leading up to it for some and its the hours after. The police treat it as a crime scene, they made me come back into my home and interrogated me for hours and hours as they walked around taking pictures. I still go to therapy just not EMDR. My greatest wish would be to forever release the sounds and visions of myself upon finding him.
For some reason, I have felt a strong desire to find a story like mine, as to not feel so alone, maybe. My fiance, a young white male with wealth and a great job at a law firm, was also reckless and dealt with drug abuse/dual diagnosis his entire life. 5 months before his death while working on one of his biggest (very publicized) cases he was introduced to heroin. He was living 3 lives, a rising star at his firm, a heroin addict, and a partner. I don’t think he could keep up with the lies and watch as he was destroying me, his biggest cheerleader. The combination of mood disorders and drug abuse, are lethal. Now I am just on a rant. Its my first time posting.
I can totally relate to you. I found my partner in the bathroom after she hung herself. I sit on the chair she used to stand on but I can’t deal with the sight of the bathroom door closed. She was a recovering heroin addict and after I did my investigating, I found out she asked someone for heroin that night. It’s almost the 1 year anniversary and it feels like it happened yesterday.
I too found my boyfriend in our garage after a fight he hung himself..
I can’t forget or erase the vision .the fight .. the last words …it happened 3 weeks ago…he was 45.. I feel such guilt and I’m so sad I can’t breathe
.. I miss him so much . I live in the house can’t afford to leave…. I’m a mess and it’s only getting worse
We highly recommend seeking out someone who can help you process this the of loss. As a survivor who has been through this experience, I can say that trying to do it alone simply doesn’t work. Look for a therapist who specializes in trauma and grief if possible. What you are experiencing is a result of a trauma. We are so sorry that you too have been touched by this type of loss.
On December 12 my husband shot himself after an arguement. I too feel an extreme amount of guilt and have found it hard not to blame myself. Please know that you are not alone. I have found it hard to relate to other survivors due to circumstances that if we did not fight he would still be here.
My husband shot himself in front of me during an argument, I was able to get him help and he is still here with me thank God. I wake up every day to see him by my side but also every day with the guilt. He said i had hurt his feeling , that i said mean things. Friends and family say I am not to blame for his actions , he has PTSD and other health issues , we have been through so much in our 33 yrs of marriage and I pray even day we will get through this one also. I am sorry for your loss and send my prayers for strength to go on , I wake each day now and tell myself I am not to blame and ask God for strength to understand him and help him and at the same time to try and not lose myself .Stay strong and go on .
November 16th I witnessed my husband shoot himself after a fight. I get it…
My husband shot himself after I ran from our house because of his rage. It was our anniversary weekend and he got mad at me. It continued into the next morning when he just exploded. Pure hatred directed at me… then a few minutes later he was gone. I didn’t witness it or find him (his sister & her husband arrived immediately when I called for help during his attack and he found him) but I returned moments later to hear her screaming searching for me, thinking I was dead somewhere…Her words when she saw me He’s Dead!. I can’t get any of it out of my head. The furniture he threw at me, the words he threw at me, the hatred he threw at me. He said I didn’t love him or appreciate him. He always said that, just never so violently. I hate that my inability to show love and appreciation the way he needed-begged for- is what caused him so much pain. He loved me and I loved him. But he didn’t feel it and now all I have is this memory of him screaming at me.. how horrible of a wife I was. It constantly plays in my mind, all day everyday. I can’t imagine if I would have seen him… I can’t imagine what you all go through. I just know what I go through.
My boyfriend took his own life after an argument we had and I was the last person to speak to him on the phone. I can’t get the sight of finding him in the bathroom out of my mind, dragging his entire body out of the tub with my pure strength of loving him and wanting him to be alive, and performing CPR for god knows how long before the paramedics arrived. I am full of guilt, regrets, and thinking that if he had not ever met me, would he still be alive today? Regrettably, thinking about it, the answer would probably be “yes”.
If any of you ladies experiencing a similar situation as me wants to talk, I would really like that.
My husband hung himself from my balcony and i tried to revive him for twenty minutes i have extreme issues closing my eyes myself till this day i see him hanging and the cpr i performed its something ive tried to get help for but at this point even medication therapy isnt helping its been almost 7 months and i cant get over the sight
My husband shot himself in the head right in front of me 7 years ago this December and I still see that image in my head every day. I almost wish there was a way to wipe my brain clean because it is just so hard to deal with sometimes. I know he was hurting and had lost all hope but it seems he just passed his pain on to me because I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
My husband shot himself in front of me, on sept. 27 , 2015 . The day after our son’s birthday, he was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 15. My husband did this in our vehicle at the site where our son was killed. My husband survived thank God. He is a disabled Veteran with PTSD. After he shot himself he said I did it for you, the guilt weighs heavy in my heart , I am doing my best to get through each day I wake , this is the first I have talked to anyone about this.
What a difficult and highly traumatic experience for you. I would encourage you to reach out to a professional as you are likely to have developed PTSD as a result of this experience. It can be difficult to process an event like this without the help of someone else. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you are able to find the peace you deserve!
I would like to talk to you. My husband did this 3 weeks ago in front of me.
You can email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com. I am happy to answer any questions you may have. If you are not talking to a professional at this point, I highly recommend doing so. Specifically, a therapist who has experience and knowledge with trauma. What you experienced was highly traumatic, and can lead to symptoms of PTSD.
I know this post is old but I’m having a pretty rough night and came across this . May 18, 2015 my boyfriend of 3 and a half years shot himself in front of me . We had a kid on the way I was 3 months pregnant , we were supposed to go hear the heartbeat 3 days later .. I now have a beautiful 4.5 month girl , but she looks exactly like him . It kind of makes me resent her sometimes . I am in a new relationship and extremely happy but night time is the worst . Every time I close my eyes I just picture walking out and seeing him take the last bit of his cigarette and shoot himself. I picture the chair falling back , I hear my scream and not knowing what to say I feel the pain in my hand from punching the wall. I see my dad give him cpr knowing damn well that wasn’t going to save him . I remember laying on the cold concrete driveway staring at the flashing lights . I layed there for hours . I remember everything like it was yesterday…
PTSD can be present for a long time. Did you ever talk with someone after seeing something so traumatic? Speaking with someone who specializes in trauma treatment can truly help rid your mind of those images!
I lost my husband of 10 years to suicide in 2012. I was witness to him shooting himself in the head, on May 5th in our backyard. He was in a coma for 2 days until we took him off of life support. He died within minutes. The horror I experienced was like nothing I could ever have imagined. It’s been 4 years, and I still see the entire scene in my head daily. I have an excellent therapist, and Psychiatrist. The person I was just 1 second before he shot himself, will never return. I am sorry to read so many other tragedies similar to my own.
My husband of 30 years shot himself in his head in the back yard. I thought he went out to smoke then heard the gunshot, ran out and turned his head toward me .. He finally looked so at peace. He was in so much pain, physically, emotionally. He was so sad all day, crying and blaming himself for the death of some other men “boys” in Vietnam. Every year at that time he would go into deep depression, I didn’t know this year was worse. I feel like I should have paid more attention, done something. He was very physically ill and afraid of a slow death but Vietnam was his focus that day. He had severe PTSD from 1971. Vietnam vets are still suffering so much and committing suicide yet most have long forgotten that war. It has been 5 months yet it seems like it happens every day. I keep trying to undo it by going over and over the events of that say.
My husband shot himself in the head after 2 days break and tell me that he’s sad and not happy with me and we have one year baby girl and married for 5 years.. Am so mad at him Bc I didn’t know he’s not happy he didn’t say anything and I feel guilty and I blame myself
I found my husband in our bedroom with a lawn mower , He new i would be home in the a.m , so he wore my favorite clothes and was just lying there Dead , WTF , 18 yr’s ,together so mad and sad and fricken lost and so lonely we where together 24/7 always , Like Peas and Carrots .
My dad shot himself July 1st 2004 and I found him . Not a day goes by that I’m not in that room. If I was an artist I could paint a picture of that moment in amazing detail.
I found my mum hanging in 2011 i was 30 mum was 55 . I have two girls. All i can think about is doing the same but dont want to leave them
Janice I found my Son Cory with a gunshot wound to his head on July 15,2014. He killed himself 10 feet from where I was sleeping in the next room. Everyday I am in pain that he is not here. I know I suffer from ptsd from finding/seeing his lifeless body. My faith in God has kept me alive,He has sustained me,kept me alive. I still struggle with it every day and I always will. Hope you are well,God bless.
I found my husband almost 8 years after he shot himself in the head. I made sure no one else saw him because I knew that what I witnessed was very wrong. I have just started seeing a counselor a few months ago for the PTSD–it doesn’t go away untreated–I hope it gets better with treatment. However, my kids have been traumatized just by the fact that their dad/stepdad died that way. My 15-year-old son just got diagnosed with PTSD along with a few other problems.
You are so right about people only associating PTSD with vets. I do not mean to downplay their trauma, but the singularity of the focus makes me feel uncomfortable about admitting to having it. Sigh
Thank you for acknowledging us.
Peace
Kim, thank you for sharing your story. You are absolutely correct; PTSD does not go away untreated. I am so sorry that your son is also struggling. It is so good that he has been diagnosed and will be treated. The “good news” is that PTSD is not a forever diagnosis. Symptoms that you and your son experience will start to go away with treatment. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 16 after a life threatening car accident. It is a difficult time in an adolescent’s life to experience symptoms of PTSD as you are already going through so many life changes. However, that experience made me a stronger person today as did my dad’s suicide. Your son is lucky to have a mother that takes a vested interest in him! Keep supporting him even when he tries to push you away. And make sure you are getting support yourself, inside and outside of a therapists office.
I also have a difficult time admitting to ever having PTSD because of the horrific experiences that a vet encounters. I have found that people often say, “things could be worse.” I believe that the individuals intentions when saying something like that are good but it can make the other person feel as if their feelings are not validated. When we are going through a hard time we do not need others to point out how much worse it could be. My mother always told me, “don;t air your dirty laundry for others to see.” I never really understood this, and struggled with it because by nature, I am an open book. While I still do not necessarily agree with the statement I have learned who to talk to when I want my feelings validated. These people are few and far between but they exist. Seek those people out. Being a survivor means that we have all lost a loved one in an unimaginable way. But it also means that we are stronger than most. Keep that in mind!
Please feel free to reach out at anytime! You are most certainly not alone.
Thank you for your response. After rereading my post, I realized I made an error right off the start. I meant that it was 8 years ago he died, not that I found him 8 years later. Geesh! It had actually only been about 15 minutes, which I will just say led to more confusion on my part despite the gravity of his injury. In fact, despite seeing what I did, I was compelled to investigate also because I needed to understand it–death looks nothing like TV.
I will take hope in your statement that PTSD is treatable. I do not want my son or myself or any of my children or anybody, for that matter, suffering like this; it’s pretty hellacious. My son is currently getting treatment, but I need to wait until fall semester to be able to see my counselor at the university I attend. When we left off last month, we were discussing EMDR as a possibility. Are you familiar with it?
I can relate to your mother’s advice and do find myself downplaying most situations in my life if I have “aired them out” in any manner. I don’t want the pity but I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable from well-meaning statements like you mention that hurt despite my best efforts to maintain a thick skin.
Anyway, thank you for your piece–I do feel a rare sense of safety here.
Peace
Kim
Kim, you are so strong for witnessing what you did and holding it all together. Give yourself credit for your strength! PTSD is absolutely treatable. With any trauma it is important to set an expectation. The trauma, and memories of will unfortunately never go away. With treatment, you learn to live with the memories by not allowing them to control your mood. You find a way to make peace with what happened, and live a more meaningful life as a result. Please keep in mind that this takes time, and often we get worse before we get better. I am very familiar with EMDR and have actually considered training, as I am a therapist myself. EMDR is one of the most effective treatments for PTSD. I am so happy that you have someone who is familiar with, and has been trained in this treatment.
I too do not like pity. There is a huge difference between empathy and pity. Pity, often makes me feel weak which makes me defensive as I try and convince the person to not feel pity. Boy is that exhausting! Through my grief journey I have found that there will always be people who pity me, or judge the actions of my father. I cannot change that. What I can do is sort through my life and make sure that the people in it make me a better, stronger person, not a weaker one. I try and not let other’s reaction to my father’s suicide impact me. Much easier said than done of course.
As someone who has experienced PTSD in adolescence, know that it can be a very difficult and confusing time for your son. Have patience and compassion. You are doing the right thing by getting him treatment! You are a great mother:)
I am so happy that you feel a sense of safety here. Please know that you can reach out at anytime if you need to talk. Our email address is oursideofsuicide@gmail.com
Jessica
I uttered the same words to our doctor. Death looks nothing like what they show on television. I found my husband after he shot himself in the head. It has been 2 months. My sadness seems to get deeper each day.
Sonya, I am so sorry that you had to witness your husband’s death. I cannot imagine how painful that must have been. Please know that with time, and often professional assistance it does get better and the images do dissipate. I say this as not only a survivor, but as a therapist who has worked with clients who have experienced a level of trauma as strong as you. Be gentle on yourself, and allow yourself to heal in the manner that you need. Find support in another survivors, and know that you have support here. Don’t expect the pain to go away overnight. I wish it did, but unfortunately grief has it’s own clock. I say this, because often we are left feeling “crazy” as the world wants us to “get it over” much quicker than the mind and heart allows. It takes time to learn how to be happy again, and find your purpose. We often become a different person after the loss of a loved one to suicide. Know that this person can be stronger, and live a life with even more purpose. Until then, just allow yourself to grieve. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I know this is a blog from July but I stumbled across it after researching suicide related PTSD. I spoke with my therapist yesterday, she happens to be trained in EMDR and wants to start therapy for me. My younger brother shot himself in the forehead with a crossbow 4 short but long weeks ago. I did not find him but I did for some odd reason stand in his driveway and watch them carry him out in the body bag. He left notes and after reading them I felt the need to research every detail of them and the meaning of different signs. I even messaged people I didn’t even know but he knew trying to get details or answers. At first I thought it was the psych major in me wanting to get to the bottom of a mental illness but then I realized I had a deep obsession for finding answers to unknown questions. I now have uncomfortable dreams, struggle with staying asleep, want to cry constantly, fight to find a genuine smile, I’m a facebook addict but deactivated my account, have cut off contact with most everyone except my family and best friend, I can’t get these detailed gruesome images that I’ve created out of my head, and the hypervigilance is awful. Luckily I have an 8 year old which reminds me why I have to keep pushing through this and get better so that I can properly take care of her.
Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. It is great that your therapist is trained in EMDR. EMDR has been extremely helpful for treating PTSD. I too researched every last detail of my father’s suicide. As survivors, we are just trying to make sense out of something that our brains simply can’t compute. Hug your 8 year old, and try and remember the good that still remains in the world. Please know that you always have 3 people who understand your pain.
You don’t need to actually witness anything to contract PTSD. My son was the same age as your little one when his dad died and although everything was cleared up before he got home from school (it happened in our backyard), he was diagnosed with PTSD this last summer and is seeing a therapist now. Even though I lived with my husband and witnessed his struggle and found him, I still needed to research and ruminate about every aspect his life and death. I think it’s like Jessica said “we are just trying to make sense out of something that our brains simply can’t compute.” Take care of yourself and your child. I was really grateful I had two children left to raise when my husband died. I don’t think I would have been able to continue.
Hiya i’ve just read your post – i hope you’re still replying to comments. To start off, i’m 18 and i suffer with bpd, anxiety and depression. Not sure how much you’ll know about bpd but a few years ago i ‘switched’ on my dad, meaning i had no interest in him and i didn’t want to be in contact with him. Just over a month ago, i was told he jumped in front of a train and had died. I was more shocked than upset (because of my difficult relationship with him).
Two days later my ex-best friend turned up at my house after about 6 months of not talking (again, this was due to my f***ing bpd…). We argued and i found out the next morning that she had left my house after our argument and done exactly the same thing.
My situation is a bit complicated and has lots of aspects – as you can see! – and i’m finding it very difficult to come to terms with what has happened. I’m worried to ask my therapist about how it’s affecting me and possible ptsd symptoms so i thought i’d start here?
Sorry for the huuuuge message!
Ami xx
Hi Ami-
I am absolutely still replying to comments. I actually know quite a bit about BPD as I am a licensed therapist. I won’t pretend to know it all, as I believe you and anyone else diagnosed with BPD are the only experts! I am familiar with the “switch” you are referring to. I can imagine that the lack of contact has made the grief process even more complicated. Then to have your friend do the same thing; very very difficult. I highly recommend exploring this all with your therapist. PTSD is very real for survivors even if you were not there to witness the act. There are so many emotions that we often stuff down. As you know those emotions always come to the surface, and often not at the best time. I do hope that you are comfortable enough with your therapist to talk about this all. It is definitely important!!
Jessica
Growing up my mother never had custody of me because of many mental illnesses she had (depression, bipolar, ptsd) She always told me she didnt want to live anymore and it was pretty hard as a child. It sounds bad, but I always thought my mother would die by suicide. I lived with my dad from when I was a baby until I was 18. He was someone I could always count on being there for me. He was honestly my bestfriend. One day when I was 18 I got up and got ready for work and hung out with my dad for a few minutes before I had to leave. He seemed more quiet then usual but it was 7am so i just didnt really pay attention. I went out the door but realized I forgot to tell my dad I loved him so I opened the door and told him and said goodbye. His voice cracked when he said it back, and his eyes looked a little watery but again 7am i thought he just woke up. I went to work and a couple hours before I had to leave my aunt and best friend came. They told me “there was an accident” but wouldnt tell me anything else. I automatically knew it was my dad. I was screaming at them to tell me what happened, I couldnt move or breath, I couldnt even stand up barely. When I got into the car with my friend I was begging her to tell me what happened. She was crying and finally just said “suicide” and I lost it. Right then all the obvious signs just kept smacking me in the face. He was so sad and angry all the time the last few years. He was alone and just sad. I too needed to know every single detail. They cleaned what they could, but I saw the spot in his bedroom where it happened. Right in the doorway. I had to leave my home that day. Pretty much pack all I have and stay with whoever I could. 2 years later I still never have gotten help. I now have a beautiful 9 month old who helps me, but April 21 will be 2 years since hes been gone. It feels like its just getting harder and harder for me again. I cant get it in my head, still now, that hes not coming back. Sorry for the long post, but I havent been able to talk to anyone about this in a long time. I physically cant get myself to and its hurting my relationship now. I just hate that I feel such a deep sadness all the time.
I am so terribly sorry for the great loss that you experienced. Our stories are similar in that I too took time to get the help I needed. The anger and deep sadness I felt after the loss of my father impacted every facet of my life. I still do not know why I held on to the pain as long as I did. It is as if subconsciously I felt that letting go of the pain meant I was letting go of my dad too. It was not easy to seek out assistance, but when I did, I truly felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I am not sure where you are located, but I highly recommend a group if you have any available to you. Just being in a room with others who actually understood my pain was healing in itself. Talking to other survivors, and being a survivor myself, I know that we all have to let go when we feel ready. There is no right or wrong time. For me, I knew it was time when my life no longer felt like my own. Please feel free to reach out to us anytime. You can email us at oursideofsuicide.com. I would be happy to send resources for you to have as well. Please know that you are not alone. –Jessica
I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t know if I love my husband anymore. I love my kids more than anything but my husband wouldn’t let me grieve my mothers suicide. 17yrs late to am mad at him.
Amy, I am so sorry that you have not been able to grieve the loss of your mother. It is never too late to work through the trauma, anger, sadness, and pain. I would be happy to provide some resources if you would like. I do hope that our site offers you support and hope that the pain can become less of a barrier.
I lost my 24 year old Son 2 days before this was published. I am not coping well, don’t know what I’m doing. I’m the one that found my Son and my mind has been altered my emotions are obliterated. He shot himself with a gun that I had bought a year and half before.
I am so very sorry for your loss. PTSD has unfortunately become common for those who who have lost a loved one to suicide. From speaking with others who have found their loved ones I know that trauma therapy has been very helpful. It can help the images become less of a burden. It also allows you to actually grieve the loss you have experienced. Are you in the Chicagoland area by chance? I would be happy to offer some resources from you. I have met with white a few people who have lost a child to suicide. They can offer you much hope, that I can assure you. I also wanted to give you a post that was recently written by a mother who lost her son to suicide. If you would like more information related to resources, please feel free to email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com.
http://www.oursideofsuicide.com/2015/04/09/on-losing-a-child-to-suicide/
-Jessica
I lost my aunt almost one year ago, she also took her own life. We weren’t especially close or anything but it was the first time I lost a close family member. For me it was extremely sudden (she did have an tough life with drug abuse, but I thought that was al sorted out) Due to the fact that my parents lived in another country at the time, my brother and I had to arrange all the technical stuff like emptying her house and stuff like that. The months after that I didn’t think or feel to much about it, except that I didn’t sleep well. I just went on with college and stuff, but a couple of months ago I started having panic attacks. I thought it had to do with stress about my study and the fact that I was tired due to not sleeping well. I got help via my college institution in the form of counseling and the panic attacks are gone, because I learned that it’s isn’t something to be scared about, it’s just a reaction to a emotion (concious or subconcious). I still do have a specific (could be called ‘obsessive’ I guess) thought that keeps popping up in my head, especially during stressfull days like pre-examens: I get scared of the thought “what if I kill myself?” I definitely don’t what to do anything like that, but it is an extremely scary thought. I talked about it with my counselor three weeks ago (I have an upcoming meeting this friday) en she told me about cognitive therapy and how to replace that thought with a more positive one. I just still find it hard to do so. Is it normal to have these kind of thoughts after experiencing something like that? Like I said I really don’t want to harm myself or anybody around me, but that ‘what if’ thought does keep coming up and it’s scart.
Thanks.
What you are talking about is completely normal and very common with survivors of suicide. Becky and I talk often about this fear that either we will end up like our fathers, or someone else we love will die in the same manner. Suicide is not something our brains understand. So when it happens all of a sudden this new fear is created as we realize suicide is real. I think it is hard for therapists to understand this concept if they haven’t experienced a loss to suicide. Can they still help you, absolutely, but that level of understanding just isn’t the same. Cognitive therapy is great. However, as a therapist myself, I struggle with the idea that we can just replace negative thoughts with more positive ones. For example, if I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, you will likely think about the pink elephant simply because you were just told not to. I would recommend exploring your thoughts with your therapist in greater detail, and even verbalizing to him or her that the whole changing your thoughts isn’t working. But please know that what you are experiencing is completely normal after losing a loved one to suicide.
I had a very similar experience to what you had Jessica and I have been suffering from Ptsd, severe anxiety and depression. 8 years ago I was woke up at 1am with door ringing and pounding. It was my brother waking me up to tell me the horrible news that my mother who I was very close with and needed and relied upon so badly in life. In the past 8 years because of my emotions I have been divorced and made some bad choices. I don’t even feel like I can function at work or otherwise. I just want to lock myself in my room and be isolated and alone. I have tried to get help with counseling psychiatrist etc. I have not been able to figure anything out. I don’t know what to do anymore I relive the story of the events that led to my mom’s death over and over and my anxiety is the worse it’s ever been. I’m scared and at a loss now. 8 years I would have thought I would be better not worse. Any thoughts or help would be so much appreciated. Thanks
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. As a survivor, and grief therapist, I can assure you that you are not alone. Have you tried to find survivor groups? Or worked specifically with a grief therapist who has experience with PTSD? In the aftermath of my father’s death I found my grief group to be the best help. Sitting among others who TRULY understood what I was going through helped me move forward. I would be happy to send resources for you if you are interested. Please feel free to email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com.
-Jessica
Stumbled upon the article after googling PTSD after suicide. On March 30, 2015, my father in law took his life by shooting himself in the head. My mother in law was in the home when this tragedy occurred. I feel like I can be a little more personal in writing so I will give you the entire story. I had taken off that Monday morning of March 30th to take my oldest daughter to the children’s services to be interviewed for possible sexual abuse by her grandfather. We were very close to my father in law and mother in law so we did see them frequently but I must say I was in denial regarding the issue. After meeting with them and hearing that they thought that she had been inappropriately touched and my niece had been further sexually abused, my immediate reaction was “how do we prosecute?” I was torn in 100 different directions and pieces because I also have a younger daughter and will probably never know if she was touched. My older daughter never spoke of any abuse and never showed any signs and I only pray that she never ever does. So I was incredibly angry and shocked and numb all at the same time. After leaving there I told my husband that I thought we should go to our pastors and just try to talk things over and calm down over what had occurred. While at our pastors house, we both had received a phone call and text message from his dad asking why we weren’t answering our phone. He left my husband a brief voicemail with a soft tone expressing that he loved him. That Monday March 30, 2015 my father in law had also taken a lie detector test regarding the alleged misconduct. He consistently and emphatically said that he had nothing to worry about and the results would be in by Friday. Friday never came before he took his life. It was that Monday night around 9:30 our phones starting ringing and at first we just pushed it off as we were having bed time devotions with our little girl. Finally, my husband picked up the phone and started screaming that his dad had shot himself. It has been nearly 4 months and I must say it doesn’t seem to get that much easier. I have asked my husband to seek counseling with me and the girls if he wanted. I said however you want to do it I will help. I have dreams that he is holding my babies and it scares me to death. I wasn’t there when the shot occurred but loud noises make my heart race. When the phone rings past 9 p.m. I now wonder what is wrong. I was only off a short 6 days from work and I now cannot seem to function like I should. It’s hard on a marriage, kids, and us as individuals to try and get through this. it’s real and it’s scary. Suicide hurts.
I am so terribly sorry for all that you are going through. I too became jumpy around loud noises, and would all but panic if I saw a gun on television. I replayed the late night phone call I received from my sister, informing me that my father had taken his life. Symptoms of PTSD can definitely manifest themselves in survivors, even if they did not witness the suicide. I attribute this to our own imagination; sometimes the images in our head are worse than the images in reality. The ripple effects following a suicide are incredibly large. They impact every facet of your life. We all grieve differently, which can put tremendous stress on a marriage, as we believe the other person should be grieving a certain way. I highly recommend seeing a therapist, specifically a grief therapist. It might take your husband some time to come around. He is likely still in the shock phase. I found that phase to last quite some time. But there is no reason why you can’t go and see someone on your own. With everything that has happened, it would likely be extremely helpful for you. Both Becky and myself participated in a grief group specifically for survivors of suicide. I cannot say enough about how helpful this was for me as I worked through my own grief. Just being among others who actually knew what I was feeling, helped. Take care of yourself during this difficult time, and know that you are not alone.
I too found this article after searching symptoms of PTSD after a loved one commits suicide. October 9th of 2014 my ex boyfriend killed himself at only 20 years old. We had dated (on and off) for about 2 years. We had a very loving relationship, we met through my brother, they had been friends for a few years. he cared for me deeply just like I cared for him. The whole time we dated I knew about his struggles with depression, it started off with him just never wanting to go out and becoming easily upset but eventually got worse and worse throughout the time we dated. He told me on several occasions that he felt that sometimes he wanted to end his life but I got him to start seeing a therapist, made him tell his parents he was depressed and things started to look up. In April of 2014 we had a fight over god knows what now but it got pretty bad, we were supposed to go to the zoo that day and I was dead set on going so I told him I was sorry for whatever we were fighting over and that i just want to have a good day and that’s when he told me he wanted to kill himself he was tired of always feeling sad, it didn’t matter if we were doing something “fun” that day, he told me he always felt like this and it completely broke my heart. I felt like a failure as his girlfriend, not being make him happy. It went on like this for about a month more and one morning he told me he didn’t think it was healthy for me to be in this kind of relationship. We cried togther and I told him I agreed and the whole this was all very civil but I told him that if he needed me I would only be a phone call/ text away he found that very comforting and he told me I should move on. I was heartbroken, I loved him but of course I felt like I deserved someone I could be happy with and they could be happy with me. No more than a month after that I started dating my current boyfriend. The complete opposite of my ex. A happy-go-lucky kind of guy who made me feel so at ease. I still talked to my ex who assured me he was happy for me, although I could tell from the cold glances I got from some friends of his that he was in fact not okay with it all. I talked to him about every few weeks. The last time I saw him was around August 2014 when I was dropping off a car battery I had of his at a new job I had helped him get and things were looking okay for him. We hugged, I told him to “be good” and told him I stilled cared for him very much and that if he needed absolutely anything I would be there. Around 8 or 9 pm on October 9th my boyfriend and I were out eating pizza and my brother called me and asked if I was home I said no, I’m out eating and he said “shit. I don’t know if I want to tell you then.” I honestly thought it was him trying to tell me he got his girlfriend pregnant or something so I jokingly said “what the fuck did you do?” And he said something along the lines of “Madelyn please just call me when you’re home” and I started to panic asking him what was wrong and that he was scaring me I didn’t know what had happened or what he was going to tell me. Not even a guess. My boyfriend heard my fear and asked if I wanted to go outside while he paid for the food. I can remember it very clearly. I made my brother tell me, I walked outside of the resturant and said please just tell me I’m panicking and he said “Scott killed himself” after that I don’t even remember what I screamed or cried out all I remember was complete sadness. I later pieced together that he had probably taken one of his dads guns, went out to the woods by his house and shot himself. The image of him doing that (although I never saw and actually never verified from anyone what exactly happened) haunts me. Even 10 months later I can’t get it out of my head, I sob thinking of his body that way. It is completely exhausting and I can’t stop fucking thinking about it. I couldn’t sleep for about a month without someone being there awake watching over me. Of I woke up and my watcher (mom, boyfriend, friend whoever was with me at the time) was alseep id panick and make them wake up to watch me. My poor boyfriend was exhausted and I’m sure it was confusing and hurtful to see his girlfriend so very distraught and because of an ex. Fourth of July this year my boyfriend and roommates and I went out and I really shouldn’t have. The foreworks sent me into a panick. Full blown panick. Every since my ex took his life I’m been very… I guess on edge..? Gun shots terrify me I panick and the fireworks were just too much for me. I never saw him after he had taken his life but I think I still may have PTSD. I started to read about it and honestly I thought it was something only military people got. Any time I receive and unexpected phone call from someone my heart plummets, assuming it’s news someone has died. Every. Time. I’m CONSTANTLY on edge so this semester I decided to see the free counselor at my school. My first session was last week. I really hope I see change…
We are so sorry for the loss of your ex boyfriend. What you are experiencing and feeling as a result of his suicide is completely normal. Many survivors would relate. I am happy that you are seeing the counselor at your school. Have faith that the counselor can assist you. I would highly recommend looking at the resources page on our blog. The AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) lists support groups around the country. Finding a group with other survivors can be extremely helpful, as it makes you feel less alone. We hope that this blog and future posts help normalize everything that you are experiencing!
I was in the army at the initial stage of recruitment which is called reception battalion you stay there for about a week or two I had to have surgery so I was there for 3 months and I had made friends with a few other people that also had to have surgeries that were stuck there with me one night I was going to the head and I came across one of my battle buddies hung himself off the shower handle I cut him down and administered CPR for over 45 minutes while constantly having to clean out vomit from his throat later on I was told his neck was broken so I was giving CPR to a dead person for over 45 minutes then I had shut down and not talked for days and now it’s seven years later and I have every single one of those symptoms of PTSD I just don’t feel like it should be affecting me this much
We often underestimate the impact that a suicide death has on our lives. What you witnessed was incredibly traumatic. To see someone you know and care about, hanging, leaves an imprint on the psyche. Mix in the fact that you tried to revive him for sometime and you are most certainly guaranteed to experience symptoms of PTSD. Don’t discount all that you have experienced. I highly recommend working with a trauma based therapist if you can!
My dad was my best friend and I’m still totally numb from finding him. I found him this summer with a helium tank on his bed, a clear bag over his head and duck tape around his neck. The 911 dispatcher instructed me to take the bag off his head, flip him over and start chest compressions. I’m only 24 and it’s like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
I found my mother a week after she had done this too!! Ive also had one of my dearest friends that had been fatally shot eight years to the day, on 7-11-07..and i found my mom like i said a week after she took the tank and left me behind!! The coroner estimated that she died 7-23-15 snd after calling and calling i finally had this feeling and went to find locked doors and animals were pacing around my feet .. I knew it was real when the door was locked, and i looked thru the window and the blanket ovrr it to see the tan . Of course, i immedistely burst thru the glass and ran into her room. It was over 100° in the house bc she lived a quiet. Simple life and had no Air conditioning. Of course the image of it stays, and due to the time frame, not only do i STILL smell that smell sometimes, but even tasted the taste from the body then being in such a foul state of decay!!! I feel like i have to shed some light on this . I am the oldest of her only two girls and i have two small kids myself. I try daily to maintain and show my kids to smile. I have all the excess emotions and guilt of course. She was not only my mom but ny dad too and also my best friend!! I beg anyone who has felt the same and want to go, pkease get help!! Please think of what it can be to truky love yourself and know youre not alone!! To all those like me i pray somehow we all find peace thru this journey!! Let us take these grizzly sights and memories and rrmind othrrs they are loved and we all matter!! We owe it to ine another and i know i owe it to my Momma!!!!
I’m so glad I found this blog. I’ve been going crazy thinking that grieving nearly 2 yrs on it would slowly get a littl easier..but it only takes 1 thing and it’s like day 1 and the hurt is so fresh it has a physical pain and melting pot of feelings that it feels there is no one around me can ever understand. I cant even bring myself to type what he did..it is just too upsetting..
. A short stat in hospital gave me the space to think and realise it’s not grief but ptsd. ..I can’t imagine my dad ever wanting to hurt me but I don’t think he knew and could see that far.. . I know what help I need to get now and for the sake of my 2 girls i will do it…… thank you. You have made me feel normal and can be helped…x
You absolutely can get help, and I promise the pain can become less intense. Hang in there!!! You are not alone.
Thankyou for replying.. means alot just not feeling I’m not alone..
Can u recommend any books about ptsd and surviving suicide of a parent…x
Take a look at these:
http://astore.amazon.com/alliofhopefor-20?_encoding=UTF8&node=5
I hope this helps!
Thankyou x
I witnessed my boyfriend shoot himself in the head in the living room of the townhouse we shared 5 years ago . His family heavily blamed me for not stopping him. My life turned upside down … Struggling to finish college… Experimenting with drugs and entering unhealthy relationships. I now have a 2 year old and am pregnant with my second . The pain has never truly left … I’ve seen multiple counselors and been to many support groups but the sadness I feel has always been here. I’m struggling because I don’t know the next step to take and am losing hope that I will ever be happy again. I miss the woman I was before all this happened . And now am lost
Milly, we are so sorry that you continue to feel “stuck” in your grief. I know you said you have been to counselors and support groups…were any of them actual grief therapists? Did they treat the PTSD? Often, therapists are not fully trained in both grief and PTSD…untreated PTSD can make us feel stuck in our grief. There are also a number of books you could look at as well. I have also found that part of the grief process is learning to let go of the person we were before the death. We unfortunately will never be that person again. But just because we can’t be that person doesn’t mean that we can’t continue living a happy life again. We often have to learn who we are without the person we lost. It is not an easy process, and I hate that anyone has to go through it. But you truly can experience happiness again. Please know that you are not alone.
I came home from work on a Saturday afternoon only to open the garage and find my husband hanging there. At first I thought it was some kind of prank. It wasn’t. It was horrible. You can’t even imagine. Like previous comments, I can sometimes remember screaming at the 911 operator and being made to sit in my car in the driveway and not allowed in the house until they did their search. Only let in to be questioned about everything. Why they found wallet where it was? Why this, why that? They wanted me to explain some of his notes he left. Nothing made sense. I couldn’t scrub the blood off the cement floor. It is absolutely not what you see on tv. I worked with a counselor and it seemed I was getting thru. I sold almost everything, retired and moved to a different state with family. Last night I had the most vivid dream about finding him again. My counselor suggested EMDR and ,gave me this website. It is helpful to see that I am not the only one.
EMDR can be very helpful. There are also a number of books and exercises that you can do on your own to help work through the trauma. I am so happy that you found our site. You are most certainly not alone!
My sweet mother committed suicide almost four years ago on April 30th 2012. She was my best friend. Normally we would phone each other daily, but on this particular day I was having issues with my own children and life in general and when the phone rang and I saw my mom’s number I vividly remember saying out loud…”Not now mom” and just let it ring. Five hours later my cousin was at my door asking me if anyone had called and talked to me yet. I said “about what?” She then said “about your mom….she’s not with us anymore”. I remember turning around and screaming my husband’s name, screaming for him….and thats all I remember for a block of time. Now, the story does go on, but for some reason I just cannot get the missed call out of my head. why didnt I pick up? Of all the calls to miss ….why that one? My heart breaks still everyday…every hour every minute of everyday. how can i move on when I cant get passed this first thing? Help me please, I don’t know where to begin again.
I can say that I completely understand the magnitude of guilt when you feel like you could have done something to prevent the suicide. My dad told me on Christmas (2 days before he died) that he was feeling suicidal. My response was similar, “I can’t deal with this now dad” I told him. I struggled with tremendous guilt for a long time after his death. I truly believed that had I talked to him that day, he would still be with us today. Here is what I have learned over the years…I would not have been able to take away his pain. First, because it ran deeper than I ever knew and second because no person can get rid of the someone else’s pain. They have to, and sometimes it is just too deep. We have to forgive ourselves. That is not easy but can be so freeing. Would that phone call have saved your moms life? Maybe. We will never know. But truth be told, someone who is suicidal has often thought about ending their life many many times before that day. Often times when they finally decide to end their life they become a completely different person. I spoke with my dad the day after Christmas and he sounded great. As a result of that conversation I decided not to bring him to my sisters house. We would wait a couple weeks and see how he sounded. We (my sister and I) later found out that he was sitting in the parking lot of the gun store when we called. He had a plan. He had an end date. So maybe if you would have answered that call it would have gone just like other ones did. In fact, it is likely that she wouldn’t have told you anything leaving you exactly where you are today. I will tell you that the “what ifs” and “should haves” will drain you. They prohibit you from experiencing the good that still exists in life. I highly recommend working with a grief counselor, someone who specifically works with people who have experienced a tragic loss. I also recommend a support group for survivors of suicide if there is one in your area. I began one almost a year after losing my dad and it changed my life. Just connecting with others who truly understood, brought me peace. I wish I could take away your pain. While I can’t, I will promise you that life can be good again…it just takes time, work, and forgiveness.
My wife committed suicide on February 12, 2015, 2 days before Valentine’s Day… almost a year ago. She shot herself in the head with a small gauge shotgun in her mother’s barn. Every single day, I replay the very last conversation I had with her (she hung up on me approximately 5 minutes before she killed herself) and I wish there was more I could do. Every single day, I feel like a piece of me died with her that day and I’m trying desperately to get it back. I have lost 99% of my ‘friends’ because they, along with my ex in-laws, blame me for my wife’s suicide. I feel like I’m losing my mind, and the worst part, is it feels like no one understands. I find myself trying to remember what her voice sounded like, the sound of her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes – especially when she smiled…. and it all feels like a dream… like she never really existed. I feel so lost and alone…
We are so sorry for your loss. I have found that people grieving a loss by suicide want to find someone to blame. It is awful that they have directed their attention to you. What I hope they all find is that her last call to you was not what led to her suicide. Suicide is not a reaction to a single event; it is often something that has been thought about for weeks, months, even years. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups for survivors of a suicide loss in your area? Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be life changing. I know the isolating feeling that being a survivor brings. If there aren’t any groups, even connecting with groups on social media can prove to be helpful. Also, working with a therapist who specializes in grief can be life changing. I wish I had a single answer to take away your pain, but truth is, it takes time to work through the pain and figure out who we are without our loved ones. But, you certainly do not have to do this alone.
Relieved to find others who know what I am going through, and at the same time it is heartbreaking. I can relate most to Ryan’s post. My husband walked upstairs and shot himself with a shotgun. It had been a rough week, but he never exhibited any signs of depression in the 13 years we were together, so it was completely unexpected. I was also blamed by my husband’s family. My life ended with him. I lost my career, our home, my identity, and my health. I was diognosed with PTSD within 6 months and despite continuous care with top-notch specialists as well as a combination of medications, the pain and suffering is just as bad as the day he died.. which was 5 years ago. My son was going into his senior year of high school when he died, and was put in the position of having to worry about me due to several serious health issues including a pulmonary embolism and breast cancer. I gave into my parents insistence that I move back to my hometown after he started college, which is clear across the country. I miss my husband every minute of every day, and I miss my son whome I haven’t seen in nearly 2 years now. I was only 35 when my husband died and all my life consists of now is going to doctor appointments. I am only surviving to spare my son the pain of losing another parent. I don’t go anywhere or see or talk to anyone besides doctors and occasionally my parents, who are very frustrated with the fact that I have not recovered within the timeline they expected, with little regard for my feelings. Though I continue to go to all of my doctor appointments, as I continue to suffer other health problems as well, the only hope I have left is that I don’t have to live in this nightmare much longer. PTSD triggers from the suicide of a loved one are inescapable, every memory of them is a trigger and there’s no relief in seperating the moment of their death in the past from the reality of their death in the present.
My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering and glad to hear that therapy and techniques such as EMDR are helping others find a way to cope with their loss. Take care
B-
I want to start by saying I’m very sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your story. The only fortunate circumstance of my situation is that my wife and I did not have children. Tomorrow will be 18 months since my wife died, not a day goes by that I don’t miss her, our mutual friends have completely turned their backs on me, her family no longer speaks to me and I have had to pick up and start completely over. I have yet to be officially diagnosed with PTSD but I know I’m enduring the effects just the same. I hope your struggle becomes easier and your suffering lessens… please remember, suicide doesn’t end the pain, it only transfers it to someone else.
Thank you for replying. I am so sorry that you are enduring the additional pain of blame and losing friends and family. My husband’s family eventually cut all ties with my son as well, which I will never understand.
I know how much suffering suicide causes to those left behind, and I would never do that to my family. I am doing everything necessary to manage my health problems, just hoping that my next health crisis will be the last. Wishing you all the strength in the world as you start over, I know how hard it is.
My father shot himself outside my grandmothers house while I was inside listening. That was in 1973. I wish I could tell you guys you’ll get over it but I don’t want to lie to you. I have been through every phase I have read above. Trying to saturate my mind with it so maybe it would deaden things. I even used to stand where he stood and punch my self in the chest and fall back looking up through the trees trying to imagine the dying of the light. I have tried to just rub it all out.and forget. But nothing works. That doesn’t mean you can’t find your way, but since I am closer to my own death each day I just hope that will bring me the peace he stole from me.
I hate to hear that you are still impacted by your father’s death. As a grief therapist I can say that you can recover from this type of loss. PTSD doesn’t have to be a life sentence. I too hope that you find your peace. It’s never too late.
Thanks for tagging back.. This was Texas in the 70’s and they didn’t really have PTSD defined or acknowledged. It was a small farming community and people didn’t share things like that with people outside the family. And people weren’t very evolved. Here’s a good example of the way things were. The night before he did it my father and mother were driving around and I was riding in the back seat (She was leaving him and this was how he always got her back) and his rifle was back there and I unloaded it. When he dropped us off he took the rifle out and dry fired it at his chest. and was furious that it didn’t go off. Their answer to that, was to let me go off with him to try and talk sense to him. Today he would have had the swat team called out to arrest him but they basically said “we can’t get through to him see if you can:” I was barely 15. By Sunday night he completed the act and my mother took off and left me with my grandmother and I didn’t see her for months. I was in the way of her finding a new husband. I think the guy she ran off with didn’t want anything to do with her after that. BTW my mother might have been the worst sociopath on record. But that’s a whole different topic
They certainly did not know much about PTSD in the 70s. So many people have suffered more than they needed to. Your situation is less than ideal, and you were nothing more than an innocent child mixed up in this all. Sadly, I think there are others who don’t get the help they need, even knowing all there is to know. I do hope that the internet helps those who feel alone in their grief.
While I blanch reading the people who have posted here. Reading other peoples experience is the most therapeutic thing I have had in a long time. It’s impossible to convey this experience to those that have not been there. And really most people while listening to your story don’t want to hear it.. I have alternated between being open about it, and not telling a soul. For a while I felt worse for them that I do for myself. You could see the stages of how they receive it.. It starts with people thinking you are joking, then you see it dawn on them that you’re not. That’s the moment I feel bad for them. They get a more pained look than feel I have.
Over the years I have sort of cataloged stories in my head. Mostly of survivors of people that tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate bridge. They all say about the same thing. And that is that as they fell they suddenly seemed to have all the answers to the things that pushed them to the brink.. It all becomes crystal clear. Unfortunately they are in mid air and plummeting to their death. When the shot that killed my father went off he let out the most blood curdling scream I hope I will never hear again. I can’t live through another one. But if you can decipher blood curdling screams I think it included a “why did I do that?” I can’t take that back and If I could just go back and get a do-over I would give anything. But by then it’s too late. They are dying and no one can help them now.
I was standing 3 ft away from my husband when he shot himself in the head head with an assault rifle 3 weeks ago. I can’t eat, barely sleep. When I do sleep, I wake up screaming. I relive the event over and over. I am seeking therapy and taking medication, but I feel like I am losing it. I have anxiety attacks anytime I hear a loud noise now.
I am happy that you are seeking therapy. Medication can be helpful, but alone cannot take away PTSD. What you experienced was highly traumatic. It would be difficult not to demonstrate symptoms of PTSD. Seek a therapist who has experience with trauma. Grief work, especially grief after a traumatic loss is an added bonus. What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to trauma. Please do not try and fight this battle alone. It is hard to see in the beginning but it can and will get better.
I found my dad July 1, 2004. He shot himself in the head. The first few years were tough as you can imagine but the images and trauma lessen over time. Seek help and talk to professionals. I have my moments still and know I will forever. These images will never leave you and what helps me is the belief that these acts are part of our humanity. We all deal with pain in different ways. I never know when or why I get triggered but when I do I seek the help of some wonderful people. I wish you happiness.
I just thank god I didn’t see my father shoot himself, but I heard the shot and the long wail of pain that followed. That was in 1973 and I have replayed that soundtrack in my mind at least once a day since. I was 15 when it happened and now I am 57. It’s like I am punishing my self by reliving it over and over and hoping to get it right this time. I was with him in his car the night before and riding in the back seat, I unloaded his gun and he got out and clicked it at his chest and got furious when nothing happened. (I had stepped inside by that point.) Or why didn’t someone that knew what he did try to get him help? Instead they let him take me off to “talk sense” to him. Who does that? He did it again the next night and I couldn’t get to his rifle and unload it with out him seeing me and this one killed him. I do stupid stuff like wonder if I had not been successful at unloading his gun that first night maybe it wouldn’t have hit anything vital and maybe he would have lived and not have made the second attempt which killed him . Then my adult voice takes over and I think rationally that maybe he would have lived if her hadn’t shot himself. How about that? Just stay here and be a father for his son and he probably would still be here. Just don’t do it.! How about that? Once they pull the trigger or jump or what ever they do it’s too late. I think my father thought it was going to be like the movies and he would be able to give us a long soliloquy and it be all romantic. He pulled the trigger and regretted it immediately ( by the sound of his scream) and then he was dead and they hauled him off. And that’s all folks
Hi
I found my dad and am thankful I didn’t hear a shot. The image of finding him is bad enough and I’ve always said how thankful I was not to be there to hear the shot. I feel for you but you need to let go. You can’t go back and you did nothing wrong. You are not responsible for other people’s choices. I made dinner for my dad the night he took his life and met a friend for dinner. He told me that if he was going to have a last meal the one I made him would be it. If I thought for a moment he had Suicide in his mind I wouldn’t have left him alone. But I can’t go back and certainly can’t blame myself. These people were in pain and made choices new aren’t responsible for that. We just deal with the trauma. I wish you the best. David
Thanks David I appreciate the kind words. Suicide creates such a dichotomy that it’s impossible to sort it all out. They tell you they love you and then give you an unspeakable burden for you to carry. I drove with him back to our farm house and made him PROMISE me he wasn’t going to go through with it. I barely made it in and walked across the room when the shot went off. What I hate is that he was dead before the law showed up. So his troubles were over in at minute. Two at the most. It was amazing to me that a chest wound could kill a guy that quick. So for his minute of “glory” My sister and I have lived with it haunting us for years. She was living on the west coast and I always wonder which is worse, hearing the shot, or the phone call in the middle of the night. I tend to think my trauma was more engulfing but then it happened to me. There were no winners that night except maybe my mother. She was having an affair and this was his way to get her back. She never even quit putting on her make up to go and meet this other guy. But she was a sociopath and our whole lives were marked by her callous behavior at the whole family.
Hi. I know it’s easy to say and hard to do but you need to forgive because they were in pain and didn’t understand the trauma that would leave behind to those who found them. I also think you need to please get some help from professionals. It’s important to learn how to deal with your feelings and not let one moment in time define who you are. There are also plenty of wonderful books out there that enlighten and educate you at the same time. If you are interested I have a wonderful book that was recommended to me by a psychiatrist I see once every few years when I just need to sit and talk and cry. I’ll have have find the title and will be happy to share it with you. Just let me know. Please please please get some good help It’s important to talk and share your pain. The more you talk the easier it gets to cope. Best. David
It’s that double dip of the human mind. Part of you wants to know every detail and the more you know the more sickening it becomes. My mother was insane on a good day. I spent years listening to her every word about what direction he was facing and so on and so forth. And that he took his shirt off before he shot himself. She said she read the autopsy report that she got from a policeman she knew (read had an affair with) and went into great detail about the strange angle the bullet took as it passed through his body. Most small calibers do that once they hit the sternum. The night it happened she looked out and gave a macabre blow by blow of his chest rising and falling and how as time went by it slowed and eventually stopped and the cop that showed up first walked close enough to him that he just said “Why this man is dead”. THAT I heard myself I’ve seen enough car wrecks etc enough to know when a dead person is dead he is dead in a way that Hollywood can’t capture on film and I took him at his word. Here is where the crazy mother part kicks in. I finally had to go no contact with her because she’s just not healthy to be around. But after I did I was talking to my sister about that night and she said my mother also went into detail about how she ran into the yard and cradled his head in her lap begging for him to hold on until help arrived. She never got out of her chair where she was applying her make up. I just told my sister that this woman has no shame and recounted the way it really happened. While it was a horrific experience it was my experience and not hers to lie about and garner melodrama points from. So now after spending decades trying to dovetail the fragments of that night into a tapestry of reality I find out that any thing I heard her say was a shameless lie to accrue drama and dues paying that wasn’t hers.
I can’t say for your own experience, but one need not hear the actual shot for it to be traumatic. I had to come in from working in the garage to find a note on the pillow of my husband of only 3.5 months, but whom I was committed to for over 20 years. And I absolutely KNEW if he did THAT, then he was serious about it. It took a full day of me scouring the area and having to tell everyone in the neighborhood he was suicidal with a gun. It was not until the next morning, on my way back from a search, that I found the police at my home. There was NO CLUE to this happening. It ended up that even the marriage was just part of his ‘plan’ to make sure I’d be legally set-up. I can’t even think about anything that happened in his last six months without KNOWING he had intended it. He thought he was doing me a ‘favor’ in his long writings I found after, which made it all the worse.
David I left you a comment but it hasn’t been moderated yet, But I thought of a reason it has taken me so long to come to terms with my fathers death. I shouldn’t, but I sit around and make no head way for what seems like years….it IS years and something will jog rational thought into that irrational act. Around the year 2000 I was speaking to my aunt (my fathers sister) about how after my fathers death my mother was forbidden to go to the funeral and if she was barred we (my sister and I) were barred too. So I was working on my aunts house and she was going back over all that and telling me she should have spoken up so we could have been allowed to attend the service. I was telling her not to beat herself up about it because I really didn’t feel like I wanted to be around that spectacle. And as she told me her story she kept punctuating it with these strange comments that didn’t quite fit in. So she finally says I’m just glad that he didn’t do that around you……So I just asked her “do what”? Commit suicide…… I know my brother and I know he wouldn’t have dragged you into the middle of that. We had our family farm and a house in town and he drove down from the farm after an argument with my mother and picked me up in town and drove straight back and shot himself. So I just blurted out that he “went out of his way for me to be in the middle of it”. Call it denial or me just being obtuse but until then I always looked at it as me being collateral damage from being around nutty parents. But he made a special effort and a special trip just so I COULD be there and in the middle of it all. So after 30 years I had to reassess his motives and face the fact that messing with my head was an important part of his “message” to the world. Once again thanks for your kind words it’s too bad we have to meet in a discussion of such tragic events but it is what it is. Here’s hoping you find your way through this with as much of your sanity intact as humanly possible.
I lost my younger brother to suicide a little over a month ago. The morning that it happened, I was startled awake around 4:50am to the cops pounding on the door. Still tired, I didn’t think anything of it after I heard my mom speaking to who I assumed was my brother, and tried to go back to sleep. Minutes later the pounding continued and I rushed downstairs because I honestly thought someone was trying to break into our house. I saw my mom standing near the basement door and couldn’t comprehend what she was trying to tell me other than “I think he actually did it” over and over again. I heard them banging on the door to my brother’s bedroom and demanding him to open it. I went into a trance-like state at that moment. I followed my mom downstairs and I was physically present and able to go into the garage to keep her away from his room, but I felt cold and numb and all I could hear aside from the pounding and shouting from the officers was a high pitched ringing in my ears. He’d locked the only key inside the room with him and the cops were forced to remove the door from its hinges. I still remember exactly how his music sounded and the thick wave of air that hit me when they opened his door – like you could feel the heaviness of death. The officers held the door up so we couldn’t see inside, but I did see his leg on the floor after they’d cut him down.
I haven’t talked to a professional since any of this took place, so I’m not exactly sure if what I’m experiencing is a form of PTSD or general anxiety. I wake up at least a few days a week around 5am – almost the exact same time that I was woken up by the police that morning. I struggle falling to sleep even with the help of Melatonin, which used to work really well for me. Even the smallest noises make me jump. Unexpected knocking on the door or even just the cats bumping something while they’re playing will cause my heart to begin to race and I’ll instantly go into “panic mode”. I put off doing laundry for as long as possible because that requires me to go into the basement and I feel physically short of breath and constantly on edge when I have to walk past the room where he hung himself. He and I didn’t have the best relationship either. Our dad passed away two years earlier and he’d really gone downhill from there. He shut out everyone in the family despite our efforts to help him. We’d go months without speaking and get into harsh arguments when we finally did talk because he’d just be so cruel with his words. I’m honestly so ridden with guilt because of this.
Hi Rachel-
We are so sorry for your loss. What you are describing could be a number of things, seeing that his death was so recent. Often we are still in crisis mode for the firs month or so. We are so sensitive to everything around us. It does sound like you are experiencing some anxiety, as a result of this highly traumatic loss. I strongly encourage you to talk to a professional, as the anxiety and PTSD like symptoms do not go away on there own. Look for a therapist who specializes in trauma, and potentially one who has knowledge of how a loss by suicide is different than a natural death. I am not sure where you are located, but also support groups for survivors of a suicide loss can be so helpful. Both Becky and I participated in one following the loss of our fathers. It was life saving, truly. I encourage all survivors not to try and tackle this loss on their own.
We hope that future posts will help you in your grief process. You are certainly not alone.
Thanks for this article.I have been diagnosed with PTSD due to my 23 year old sons suicide, whom i believe had undiagnosed PTSD. He started as a junior firefighter at the age of 11 and was an assistant chief when he passed. Cameron called me right before he shot himself in the temple. i was able to make it to his house before his last breaths but not in time to save his life. Tis a tough journey im now on to stay alive myself but i am still here and i guess thats something
You are still here, and that is absolutely something to be proud of! Living with undiagnosed PTSD can be difficult. Now that you know, you can begin to work through it. While it won’t take your pain away, it will help you work to process all that has happened. Continue to give yourself credit for all that you have made it through. It is a journey.
Thank you Jessica, you are right, the pain never goes away and never will, but i will work at the struggle i now live with ,as we all do. Much love to you and to everyone else who has gone through this
It’s been almost 10 years since my grandfather shot himself to death. And even though it’s been so long, I’m still affected by it to the point where I’ve developed severe anxiety. It’s strange because for months almost up to a year after he’d passed it didn’t affect me. I was too busy planning a trip and working to save money. After I left my job that’s when it sunk in and the events that happened that day started playing in my mind.
Some times I feel like fraud, like it shouldn’t still affect me this hard because so much time has passed and I never witnessed his death. But the day that it happened and the events leading up to it were such a whirlwind. He killed himself a month after his wife(my grandmother) had passed away. That day he was planning a trip out of town, but instead he drove out of town, called the police and when they showed up he shot himself. Not even the police would let us know what had happened, just that there’d been an accident, so we were left to wait and wonder for hours. I was at work when I got the call that something was wrong, and had to keep working until my shift was up.
10 years later and I catch myself wondering at times about how his suicide might have transpired. What gun he might have used, how he did it etc. I don’t want to know the details, but my imagination fills them in and replays it in my head with how I ‘think’ it went. I’ve had nightmares of accidentally running into him, with his head half gone. Night time is the worst, when I’m more tired, I start to get jumpy and agitated and the slightest sounds cause my heart to race.
I know logically that it all sounds like PTSD but I still feel like a fake because what I went through wasn’t necessarily something I witnessed, I wasn’t the victim of crime, I wasn’t in a war zone. I never really thought of PTSD until I went to a doctor a few years ago for anti depressants and mentioned the suicide and the doctor told me it was PTSD.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and severe grief. I’ve been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for a year. My husband shot himself in front of me November 22 2014. I was standing at the foot of our bed about 3 feet away from him and the bullet went through his head and came out and hit me in the side. It immediately killed him and they rushed me to the hospital. Two coroner vans came to the house one for me and one for him. God was there with me it wasn’t my time. The state trooper said I should have never lived through it and he couldn’t believe I was still alive. I know that it was an accident that I got shot too and he didn’t mean for it to hit me but I suffer from severe anxiety from this. I’ve been around guns all my life but ended up selling the ones I had because I can’t stand to hear or shoot one now. It’s a daily struggle to keep myself going everyday but I will not lay around and feel sorry for myself. I miss him and think about him every minute of every day but I know one day we will be together again. My friends are tired of hearing me speak his name but I can’t let his memory die. He was the best thing I had in my life and he’s gone now so memories are all I have left. I visit his grave every day and my mom says I’m in a relationship with a dead person. How can I let go of a love that was so great?
My best friend from childhood killed herself at the age of 25. I didn’t learn of it until 2 years after her death, and that was more than 20 years ago. She was such a fun-loving, happy kid, I can scarcely believe it. I do not have PTSD, but every once in a while, I think about what my friend did, and am filled with sorrow — for her, of course, but mostly for the loving family she left behind.
My partner’d called me into the bedroom, laying there with the rifle barrel under his chin, would not look/talk to me.
Years of being his sole caregiver (pain/meds/Benzos/severe work stress (trigger)/PTSD from phys. Child Abuse/fear/distrust/more)….embarassed to say, but I almost sympathized) We dealt with it alone, his mom/brother never bothered: even refused to help intervene the week before.
My words not enough to stop him; he Completed just feet away (not dying immediately); the Dispatcher telling me repeatedly to clear fluids/do compressions; the insinuating looks by the police: so frantic trying to save him, I hadn’t realized my arms/shirt were covered in blood.
The police admitting they lied about NOT doing anything; taking me out of sight/saying nothing of-him for Six Hours when I asked why the Rescue was the last-there (saw only one paramedic/no gurney/equipment); then, leaving me alone without mentioning I had to clean-up.
The house felt “dead”….then the blood trail out-the-door; numbly staring at the soaked-bed…the linens; stepping barefooted on a piece of scalp/skin while cleaning; that damn mattress: “what do I do with it?): stupidly scrubbed it several times, but the “stain” still there: bigger than his body….the bastards let him bleed!
*I saw no Gray Matter, there was no Exit Wound: (I know), but their protocol for DOA wasn’t met.
His greedy family: not Them, only Us for ten years: all the sleepless nights, nights in the hospital, and so much more…..US/never Them. Yet, they stole him away (but never came down even After to help); three weeks before I found-out he’d died in the hospital; refused to fulfill his Final Wishes. Our greedy boss saw to me missing his Service (the family too: telling me just days before (out of state)). Have never seen his urn?, or where his ashes are.
The boss telling me (as-if I were an impartial party) to tear-up his last check not 12 hrs after; and harassing me (showing fake concern he’d never bothered with before); having to quit to save what little sanity I had.
Fighting some anxiety/shaking/nausea of going-inside the house for three months…alone…because I couldn’t afford to stay. The House was like a prison…so much, no help: threw away 90% of our life, abandoning the house three months after.
Having to relocate 1150 miles; the “invisible friend” syndrome: no social support since.
Now, 15 months later….still fighting the VA for proper treatment. None so far, except…..recently telling me to stop “living off-of” the only family member/person I could stay-with (noone else), and to “get back into life”.
I’m independent, have helped my family through the years, already felt like a bumb having to do This: but my VA doc basically eants me to “forget” what happened, I guess.
Life/all those who never cared about us during our struggles….yet stripped our lives-away so quickly.
Every day is just “numb”…….I’m resilient, but far-from being Superman.
His mom used to call me her Adopted Son, but has never mentioned me since.
Not sure What, but the VA told me I can’t have PTSD unless the trauma happened directly to me; another told me (in response to my comment on their slow responses) “you could just say you’re suicidal if you want a quicker response”.
I’ve never said I was!; their actions have me scared/near-hopeless to goto the VA for help.
I am less than a month from the 2 year mark. My husband dealt with alcohol abuse & depression. He had made attempts that he told me about…more of a power control game. I tried like heck to get help, I fought for him. June 22 2014 I had enough and made up my mind to file for divorce, I could not take it and the emotional abuse and stress was affecting me and the kids so badly. I never told him my plans. That afternoon I left to pick up our then 15 year old from work, I was gone about 10 minutes. Our then 11 year old daughter stayed home. When I arrived home she was still watching tv and quiet, little did I know she was in shock- she said NOTHING of what happened when I left. An hour later I went up to our bedroom, I walked in saw him not breathing only to go to the otherside of the bed and see the horrors that haunt me. I hate him for doing this to me and the kids. I hate him the most cause our daughter heard the gun go off- and ran upstairs to see him taking his last breaths. She went into shock, never said a word about it until questioned by police later that night. We are all in counseling. My daughter has PTSD and won’t speak of her father at all. I have PTSD, visions of finding him, nightmares of him in the funeral home, nightmares of him coming back “for us” he has messed us up so bad mentally. My son has abandonment and anger issues. I get left to try and get the kids through this. God has gotten me here….one day at a time. Suicide is a horrible thing…..
Jackie that sounds a bit like my story My father went outside and shot himself in the chest with a 22 Long Rifle. Not a man stopper, but it sure stopped him. When I speak about it I always comment that the cops who came later and a guy that was working on our fence probably couldn’t tell anything happened because I was just sitting there with a blank expression. The guy came the next day and finished the fence and left and I don’t think he ever knew what had happened the night before. If you have seen the movie “The Prince of Tides” The whole thing reminded me of when the prisoners broke out and raped and terrorized the family before the father came in from work. The father comes in and is doing his usually bullying of the rest of the family and the only thing that was amiss was that his sisters dress was on inside out. Other than that nobody ever spoke of it again.
I can EASILY understand how having to witness or find a loved one is it’s own kind of PTSD, but it is certainly not the only kind related to suicide. My partner of 20 years and spouse of only 3 months left our home with his gun as I was working in my garage this last January. He left a suicide note on his pillow. After I called the police and had them go through the house I had to call everyone I knew in the area to tell them he had disappeared with his gun and was suicidal. It was 24 hours before his body was discovered by police. Searching his computer I had to learn that he had been planning this since three months before we were married, and so at the time I was making a lifetime commitment, he was already committed to doing this act. That 24 hours I could not eat, and only got sleep with medication. I call it the ‘YIKES’ time… We were also seemingly perfectly happy, but I also learned he thought that he was a failure as a partner and that I would be better off without him. He was VERY good at hiding his intentions, and was purposely, for six months, trying to make our lives as happy as possible before ‘it’. What he did not consider is that when my hopes are lifted so high, the fall from there is so much greater. Instead of being a happy newlywed after 20 years I am a widower.
I get what you mean Tryston. It is probably worse having a huge blank slate to let your mind fill with nothing but doubt and questions than to have a patchwork of realities and trying to dovetail the missing pieces. I don’t think any of us get off light.. Any suicide is going to generate that age old question of why wasn’t I enough to make this person want to live? It’s a full bore rejection of us at a fundamental level. Even though logically you know in your heart of hearts that the impetus behind an act this extreme is way more complicated than them rejecting you. But it feels like rejection to me. If there was a positive in all that negative it’s knowing I will never do that to anyone. I will never impose that experience willfully on people I claim to love.
It is hard because people do not understand how me and my family members can have PTSD from our horrific tragedy because we were not there when it happened but the news reports and stories, police reports and the imagination alone have left us traumatized more then one can imagine, not to mention the shock and trauma that this happened at all. We lost 5 family members to familicide ten months ago and it is such a horrible horrible thing to live with everyday. It leaves you afraid of everyone and everything at times. There is panic and paranoia, nightmares, flashbacks and more. We have been provided some relief from things like yoga, meditation, counseling and medication. Sometimes things feel better and sometimes it gets hard again. This is a very real thing and people look at us so confused when we mention it because we are not veterens of war………there is not much understanding from the public about this and more awareness of these issues would be helpful for us sufferers for sure.
My boyfriend ……..his last words to me where,BABY YOU DON’T LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU ,AND YOUR HEART WILL ACHE FOR ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. It was dark in the kitchen ,he pulled the screen off the window and jumped. He hung himself. I ran out side 911 on the phone, I was trying to get under him to take pressure off his neck. He died right there in my arms. And I want him to come back. It was 3;30M March 13,2016. He was from San Antonio. His body was flown home and I didn’t know his family well. I never seen him.again. we lived together for 3 years. In MN. I relive this everyday
I was resistant to the obvious ways to get past trauma like this. I was raised in a small farming community in Texas in the 70’s and we believed the only medicine we needed was self reliance. The thinking that led us to not get help for my father is the same thinking that prevented me from getting help as a survivor. I was 15 then and I just turned 58. I wasted my life thinking about a man I barely know now. I can tell you the brand of cigarette he smoked. I can tell you he liked corn bread broken up in a glass with milk poured over it, but who he really was is lost to me now. Find a professional you trust and decide on a treatment plan that suits you and don’t waste your life on things you will never be able to change. Don’t be like me.
I am so shocked and surprised by all of the posts that i can barely breathe. I felt like I was surely the only one go g through this. My husband shot himself in the head on Feb. 5, 2016. We were in the yard talking. I didn’t understand what just happened. His nose began to fill with blood so I cupped my hand behind his head to raise it. My hand slipped deep into his brains.. I relive this every day. I feel responsible too. Im sure I could have been different and he would be here still.
I have written here before but things change a lot for those of us left behind. Like others I found my husband hanging in the garage when I came home from work. I was devastated. Some told me not to make any decisions for 2 years, well my circumstances would not allow that luxury. Like others, his family has shut me out. But only after his sister had the nerve to ask me for the funeral book to give to his ex wife. Really? Am I the only one who thinks that is messed up?
After a year I finally decided to go out for dinner with an old friend for my birthday. The week before our dinner he was found dead in his apartment, natural causes.
That’s two deaths in a year and a half. Two different circumstances and two different reactions. I have gone to counseling and told I have PTSD. I seemed to be moving on buying a house near family in a different state. But a few weeks ago would have been my husbands birthday and our anniversary. The second one since his death. It has put in somewhat of a tailspin. Will it be like this every year? I have no desire to go out with anyone and am not sure I ever will. In the meantime I get comments like, “you’re too young to be alone”. The other strange thing is that in the last few weeks I have run in to other suicide survivors. for some reason I must attract them. all stories are different for sure. Thanks for letting me vent.
I guess I was ‘lucky’ enough not to have found my husband of 3 months, after 20 years in a relationship, but I did have to go through having the police in my home and him having vanished for a day with his gun before being found this last January. He was EVERYTHING to me… Though not having found him, the utter shock of this got me diagnosed with a form of PTSD as well. I managed to reconnect with an old friend in Tasmania and decided a trip would get my mind off of things. Just days after arriving his mother, who was the closest person in the world to him, died. Instead of getting my mind off of mortality, I cannot help but feel a bit cursed by it. With no close friends left in my life I am thinking perhaps it is best to just be alone from now on.
Lucky is not the word I would EVER use to describe people who are forced to walk in our shoes. For the longest time people would hear of what I was went through and reduce the experience to what they thought was the essence of what confounds us, as them not caring enough to stick around. If only it were that easy. I can answer that question with a word NO! . And if that’s the answer people are asking the wrong question. One woman came closer than most. when She said Suicide kills two. That’s why they do it. it is a cold bowl of chili but in my fathers case I think I was the last person he was thinking about.
Death and in particular self inflicted death seems to bring out the worst in people. My fathers mother felt like my mother had a lot to do with my fathers suicide (she did) and she told my mother she would harm her if she came to my fathers funeral. So if my mother was not allowed to attend my fathers funeral neither were me and my sister. Years later I was talking to my aunt ( my fathers sister) and she said she was just glad that my father didn’t do it with me around. At first I didn’t know what she meant. So I just asked her “do what?””…..Kill himself” . And I said what makes you think he didn’t do it around me? My aunt just said I know my brother and he wouldn’t have left you with that kind of baggage. And I recounted the night to her where he went out of his way to pick me up in town and drive me to the family farm to shoot himself and I guess hear it..I am not sure what my point is except that she had spent years thinking her brother had sheltered me from the trauma when in reality he took longer and drove more out of his way to put me in the middle of it all. My aunt wanted to think the best of him. So much so that she deluded herself into some false reality that was even close to the truth.
I had just lost my ex-husband going on 4 weeks this Thursday to suicide; he had shot himself in the chest. We have a child together she is 4 years old. We had been divorced for 2 1/5 years since Feb. 2014, but have stayed in contact on a daily basis either by phone OR FaceTime. We honestly had almost a better relationship after divorce then we did being married. Yet, our love for each other still stood. We knew where our ups and downs were in our marriage we still talked about things after the divorce. He always stated that if we ever got back together he would want to remarry. We also both agreed that if its meant to be in due time it will happen. I had and still have a boyfriend at the present time (same one) when this happened and he knew exactly the relationship my ex-husband and I had, we felt that good communication and ties with each other was best thing for our daughter, that fighting and being ugly with each other was no point and we had no reason to. We respected one another, there were even times that I had honestly thought about getting back together, but something was holding me back. I was afraid of it turning for the worse and what broke us up the first time would happen again. My ex-husband had been suffering from PTSD ever since he was called to his first deployment to IRAQ after 9-11 happened. He was an infantry man, he had served 3 tours of duty in IRAQ with his 15 1/2 years of service in the Army. I met my ex-husband in April 2009 and we started dating in October 2009, i knew about his PTSD when we first met . . . I didnt really see the disorders of the PTSD until after his last deployment and his final deployment because month after it he had surgery and was medically discharged from the army. This I know deeply devastated him because all he knew was the Army and leading his soldiers. I had a gut feeling that it would effect him down the road not full filling what he had always wanted to do in life, on top of his already depression issues from war. Later down the road in our marriage when we got the news I was pregnant and he was in his last tour of duty there was a moment where his PTSD was hitting him and him denying our child; that it wasnt his etc. this is when I really started to see the affects of PTSD on someone. It is very heartbreaking, sad and hurtful in one to see someone go through this and experience the effects of it when you are in love with someone going through it. I had always stood by his side to this day before and after our divorce. I still feel like I was obligated to help him especially us having a child together. I wanted to do what I thought was the right thing and I had never stopped loving him. The PTSD anger and depression and outburst were just getting more of a constant battle with him on a day to day basis after he was medically retired out of the military we decided together on where we wanted to settle down and he was just wanting to have everything happen overnight: getting a home, etc. He wanted so much to fill the void of not having the military any longer that he started to fall into a depressed state and I was his punching bag he didnt really want to even be around us his family anymore and would push us away, he would say he was a failure and a bad father, husband etc. then he ended up leaving us and moved back home would constantly tell me he didnt love me etc he didnt see us working out etc. I would offer so many options for us to work it out. He finally agreed to seek help at VA hospital and we planned for him to come back this way closer to us so we could come see him in the program he was admitting himself to. The next day he totally changed what we came to an agreement on as a married couple and everything just went down hill again it seemed. He went back to saying odd things about not loving again and how he had already started talking to someone etc. and again i still fought for our marriage, i did not give up and said i wouldnt and I went to counseling. Then in due time after months 6 months of hearing this and being so indecisive about to stay with him or give up on the marriage, our divorce was final. He had begged me to withdraw the divorce after he had gotten out of his program at VA hospital in diff state that he had changed and wanted to work it out. I felt then it was too late as much as I was still in love with this man. Something was telling me the PTSD was not fixed, and I was right. Yes, he wasnt as angry as he was but he was still on a roller coaster with his emotions and depression. the days leading up to his suicide he was on the emotional roller coaster and this was not something unsual so I didnt take it as yeah he is gonna kill himself. I would listen to him and be supportive and at same time still lived my life. His oldest daughters almost 3 months before he killed himself that lived less than an hour away from him decided they didnt want anything to do with him anymore and stopped talking to him. So, from seeing his daughters every other weekend and couple times during the week to nothing. I know this hurt him he wouldnt admit it but I know deep down it did, I just knew how he was. Then couple weeks before he killed himself he met some guy at the bar he was bouncing at that started to talk to him and offered him a amazing job opportunity and a rent to own house he offered him. Michael was on cloud 9! He had got his hopes so high to 2 weeks later having them shattered, then triggering all the depressions he could think of from past to present and his emotions his rock bottom. He reached out to me about how he just was not feeling himself lately and how he was a failure as a father, failure at marriage and he couldnt hold a relationship and he only saw our daughter about 3 times a year and his girls didnt even talk to him anymore. I explained to him that we cant let these lil set backs ruin us in life that he was not a failure as a father I tried to get him to see the positives in life that he was worth something. I told him things would get better that what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. That i honestly wanted the best for him and for him to do what makes him happy, etc. the day before he killed himself we talked a little about this and he said he was just done with everything (i did not take him literally) i took it as his anger talking bc this guy just shot his dreams down. That in time he would be ok. He tried to call me that night before and texted if we could please talk. I didnt answer phone when he called yet i did think for split sec should i answer this. and only reason i didnt bc i knew if i did and he knew i was busy he would let me go and i didnt want to waste his time so i thought i will talk to him when im done. so after i wasnt as busy i sent him a text since was getting pretty late and said yes, we can talk and explained why didnt answer earlier and that i was sorry was busy. he said it was ok, no worries. and that is all he said so minutes later i realized he didnt say anything else so i messaged back and said do u want me to call now, are you still awake? he said no, thats ok no biggy. so, therefore, i took his word bc i trusted him and didnt want to be too nosy etc. and figured if was really serious i know he would call. then i got the worse call in my life the next morning at 10:57 am on Thursday, August 25th. He called me on my cell phone at work i answered to him in tears and he asked me if something ever happened to him that i promised him before that i would take care of his dog and i said yes michael why are you saying this? then it dawned on me. i got a feeling exactly what he meant and my words were please stop what you are doing. this is not the right thing to do. you are better than this and he just disagreed with me and said no. i said why are u doing this he said i should have done this a long time again and i said no u shouldnt have the girls will be devastated. do not let these things bring u down like this everything will get better in time and he said no it wont told him to call his brother he said he couldnt bc he already lied to him i told him he needed to call someone for help. he told me he couldnt live like this anymore. i didnt know what i needed to do or what to say. I just kept trying to make he think positive that if he needed to talk i was there. i begged him not to do this. i asked where he was he didnt answer and his last words were Alane I love you and i am sorry and he hung up the phone. I tried to call back call failed. i called police after that and his family and later that afternoon i get the call he had shot himself. he had also left a letter and that letter killed me inside. i still have the what ifs in my head from time to time and i must say it is still one of the most hardest things i have dealt with in my life. i have not stopped crying since it has happened. i feel like i am in a dream. i haven even reached out to his counselor and prayed. i must say prayer does a lot. having faith helps bc in my heart i know one day we will see him again. knowing that your not the only one that goes through stuff like this helps. we are not alone, but the pain always hurts. at times myself i dont know if i can go on with life. i feel life wont be the same, but NO i have not had the thoughts of taking my own life. I couldnt, i have my children and family i could not leave. God put us all here for a reason, like my ex-husbands counselor told me when someone turns to suicide there is little if anything we can do for them. the disorders has taken control of their life. They do not know how to see their own self worth anymore. it is so true and so sad. I do not ever wish suicide on anyone. I wish the best for any and everyone that has to deal with suicide because it is very hard to live with. I am always praying for strength and answers. I feel like i have lost a best friend. i know time heals all wounds but im so scared, i do not want to forget him and pray that we see him again.
I started reading …. So so many story’s of devastation
The beginning of a living nightmare
When all hope is gone there is nothing left but death the final hope of release .
I found my best friend at my home in the morning still alive from a self inflicted gunshot to the head we were in our 20 his life had been hard.
Back then there was no support ,I had to dig his brains of the lawn on my own never talked about it with anyone,he diedtwo days later being choppers to another hospital.
15 years later I awake to find my partner had returned early from her mums I walked out to the running car to greet her ….
She had run a garden hose to the window from the exhaust .I performed CPR on the ground in the pouring rain her ribs braking beneath my hands hoping beyond hope .
I didn’t sleep for two weeks doctor prescribed sleeping pills did nothing ,in the end there was nothing he could do for me so I went the the phycriatric ward of the local hospital for help as all I wanted was to sleep to turn of the tape running in my head .
They discussed committing me to the unit that worried me as I wanted to end my life but wanted to sort my affairs out so I put on a act to convince them otherwise I ended up on all sorts of anti psychotics plus sleeping pills and going from one doctor to another nothing helped so I stocked piled the pills and took huge doses and kept waking up ,I could not believe it every time I awoke that I was alive .
So I took all I had in on last attempt and rode a motorcycle into a concrete wall braking multiple bone through the my body .
I lived but then died in hospital ….
But again they brought me back to life I woke up in ICU
But from that day I started to feel a sense of something else it’s hard to explain.
The shrink had diagnosed severe PTSD at the start and he came and visited me in hospital he had never seen anyone go down hill so fast.
after I was released from hospital I spent a year under psychiatric care weekly home visits with psychologist .
The nights were the worst alone with only your thoughts and waking up in the morning the few seconds when your just coming awake and unaware then it comes flooding back the wave hits you .
The flash backs are not as common but still happen ,I have to watch out for triggers .
The person I was died that day .
That was ten years ago
I never thought that I would have been affected the way it has as I dealt with the first suicide by myself .But this triggers responses that I have no control over .
so now i take each day as it comes I have a greater appreciation for life and the world around me nothing stresses me like it used to .
For a few months after she died I could feel a presence in the house hard to explain but there maybe others on here that have had the same experience , theirs lots more but all I can say it’s a battle for life dealing with this over time you develop ways to cope and things do improve but it will always be there the sun is not as bright the colour in the world has faded and life has lost the sparkle that it once had .
I am so sorry you had gone through not 1 but 2 deaths like this. We all feel like we are the only ones going through these things when it happens and we feel alone, but we aren’t. If you think about it there is always someone else going through worse then what you are going through. In your last words you are so right, life is not as bright as it used to be, time heals all wounds, but we will never forget and it never goes away. Life is different, we learn to cope and keep going but the memories and what has happened still remains. I wish the best in life for everyone that has experienced anything like this. Always remember we are not alone and God it always there, there is a reason for everything we may never know why but our stories are not over . . . . . .
I lost my partner 4 years ago to hanging I found him and we had a 2 and half year old together she is now 7 is so much like him we miss him everyday I have PTSD iv tried so many different cancellours but I feel I just can’t move on
Yesterday was 1 year since my husband shot himself in front of me , he did survive thank God, but it took place during an argument and he said he did it for me , said I hurt his feelings. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day , I have been on pins and needles , it has been a very long year and that night plays over and over again in my head. He does suffer from military PTSD. We had lost our son at the age of 15 , a drunk driver took his life and we struggle with many other heart breaking events over our 33 years of marriage. My heart ache is so very deep. To all those who do not have their loved ones with them after suicide my heart goes out to you all . God be with you , I watch over my husband always but live in fear watch my every move , my words , and keep my heart ache with in mostly in fear. I don’t know how else to live . Take care .
I never thought in a million years I would resort to writing anything on any wall about what my dad did when o was 13.
I’m 42 now.
And his suicide has consumed my life.
Ruining any thing and everything.
I can’t seem to be a good decent person.
I loose my temper act like a idiot do all sorts of stupid shit.
All because I don’t wanna be hurt. When in fact I’ve been deeply hurt and have no idea what to do to move forward.
I have social anxiety very bad
I don’t let anyone have my heart.
I don’t feel like I can trust a sole.
I’m ready to live my own life and I can’t seem to.
Does anyone have any advice?
Yes my father committed suicide.
I was the last to talk to him. And carry guilt and doubt. And a terrible hate.
It’s time to love and live life. And I can’t
My father shot himself when I was 13 on Jan 13th. I’m 42 now. I was the last person to speak to him. I think.
I’ve lived my entire life angry.
Very angry. Not knowing that so many other people are just like me.
Feeling very very alone and empty.
Anytime I get faced with any kind of let down I get unbelievably angry and say things that are terrible because I don’t wanna face reality
I need a direction. I need help.
I think after reading all this I have ptsd
I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being alone. Or feeling alone.
Can anyone tell me what road I take to climb the mountain..
I feel like the hate I carried all these years has finally just haunted me enough.
I want to live life.
Not be afraid of it.
I’m so concerned with being let down I won’t let anyone around me fail. To the best of my ability of course.
I guess I could go on and on and on about what I’m doing and how it’s affecting other people.
I need a better direction.
Perhaps one that worked for others in the forgiving process can work for me.
Gary I’m not really sure what will work but just know you are here for a reason. I do know what honestly helps me is the Bible and trusting in Jesus and God. I pray and look to the Bible more then I ever did before. There are so many unanswered questions I am still struggling after losing my daughters dad this August. Another part that helps is something his counselor told me after all this happened is that once people turn to suicide there isn’t much anyone can do, its out of our control. The depression has taken over them and it is no ones fault. Only God truly knows it all, will we ever know, I truly do not know, but I do know we have to put our faith in it and believe that God knows what is right. Time heals all wounds I hear this daily and I do believe it, yet I to feel saying and doing are two different things once you experience certain situations. It is tough, yet we can not beat ourselves up over the “what ifs?” This will break us down. I have always been a firm believer in “Everything happens for a reason!” It is hard to understand why, but certain things must happen and do happen for a reason. I really hope that you can find a way out of this struggle. Just remember don’t ever think it is wrong to grieve even years later because we will never forget but we learn to live again, find something that makes you happy and do it, reach out to others or find something that keeps you occupied. I since this has happened feel like, “what is my purpose?” I do not know what it is, I want to find what I was brought to this world for, so many things have come to me since the loss as if I have woken up to a new world. Suicide sucks but lets try not to bring ourselves to this result. If need be do not feel bad to reach out to counseling do what helps you best to cope. I pray and wish the best for you and everyone dealing with this terrible pain.
I hear ya buddy. I was 15 when my father committed suicide and I will be 59 this summer. He so easily could have left me out of the equation, but he didn’t. I have written here before about me obsessing over a guy that I probably wouldn’t recognize it he was in line with me at the store. Everything happens for a reason doesn’t really work for me anymore. In the beginning I thought better me than some one who couldn’t stand up to, or endure the rigors we put ourselves through. But I’ve had enough. God or the powers that be need to give me a day off. But I know i will wake up with a fresh slate tomorrow and the reality will rush back And it will all become real again and no longer just a bad dream. My father shot himself in the chest and I think he had romanticized it so much he thought it would be like a scene in a movie That he would hang on and we would crowd around and he would give a soliloquy right out of Shakespeare . We”ll he shot himself and he died a couple of minutes later. Or at least he quit gasping for air. So I figure he gave me 25 years of his nightmare for each minute of his soon to be over life.
What your father did, he did to himself. I am only months out of having a partner, of over 25 years, and husband of less than 4 months, using a gun on himself and imagining I would just ‘carry on’ and ‘start a new life’. What your father imagined was coming from a mind so torn that this act seemed sane to him. I know well how the flood of emotions happens every morning… But I only hope you can understand we do this to ourselves. You are obviously strong enough to carry on this long, and I only hope you see that strength in yourself. You are a stronger and more resilient person than you give yourself credit for.
Gary, Why *wouldn’t* you be angry? Furious, in fact? Why would you ever want or allow anyone to get close to your heart? Or to share any part of your life-especially the part where your feelings of having failed, having “let down” originated and continued to accrue since that time? “I’m so concerned with being let down, I won’t let anyone around me fail…” When ya feel so deeply, you never want anyone else to experience/feel the exquisite pain of “let down” as you’ve suffered. Do you think someone who *wasn’t* a “good and decent person” would be all that concerned about anyone else’s disappointment or pain as a result of being “let down?” No, they wouldn’t give a damn, Gary.
How do we deal with such a profound betrayal that’s a huge part of their suicide? And often, it’s a series of betrayals and loss (whether physical or metaphorical) after their suicide as well. There’s the inevitable “let downs” life throws at us anyway as each year, decade etc. goes by. And each one resurrects the previous ones. I think we’re just built like this as humans.
“Good” and “decent” people do feel these feelings. In my experience it’s having an almost hyper-conscience as a survivor, as if we accommodate for the profound helplessness, guilt, fear etc. we felt at the time of their suicide by feeling deeply exactly the ones you describe. See, if we were ” good enough” etc. we could have somehow prevented their death. Weren’t we even “good enough” as their kids for them to want to stay alive-for us? We all want our parents to love us as unconditionally as we love them. Somehow we “should have” known they were gonna kill themselves. And when they do, we’re left feeling worthless and helpless to protect anyone-including ourselves. We’ve been inexplicably ambushed by their suicide: Why did they do this? And what about us-don’t we matter? So we become determined to never let this horrible hell of feelings and experiences ever happen again.
I think you *are* “facing reality.” Remember, you’re armed with the only Tools a 13 yr. old kid would have to confront a horrible, threatening reality. We’re kids trying to grapple with a death that adults struggle to get their heads around. Those worked for you as that 13 year old-but not for your 42 yr. old self and you recognize this. So how are you not facing reality? Seems to me you’re confronting it head on the best way you knew how at the time but it’s not workin for ya anymore. Isn’t it exhausting, these decades of struggling with their suicide? Yk, the only things a 13 yr. old should be dealing with or concerned with are school and friend types of things, not death-of any kind. It’s just waaayyy too much waaayy too soon and then add suicide to the equation and Mon Dieu, what do ya do with all this? No one wants to talk about it. We don’t even have the words. No one we know seems to either. We’re so alone.
A self-lacerating conscience is like walking around as a raw exposed nerve that everyone keeps brushing up against. You “let down” your father. And have spent a great deal of your adult life beating the shit out of yourself by denying yourself all those intangibles that make life good, fun, fulfilling. You “won’t let anyone else around me fail” but look, here you are: Sabotaging relationships. Sabotaging yourself at every turn. In order to allow authentic relationships to grow, we gotta allow ourselves to be vulnerable. The same quality that got your world IED’d at 13. It’s like you’ve sentenced yourself as a result of his suicide to doing Life without Parole.
Gary, I do think you have PTSD. The feelings of being different, alone, apart from, the anger, the numbness that alternates with rage, the anxiety/fear, the self-sabotage-all that’s part of PTSD. And ya know PTSD is a normal response to a very abnormal situation: It protects us in many ways from being overwhelmed by their suicide all at once. A lot of us self-medicate our symptoms with alcohol and other drugs. And that coping mechanism leads to a whole ‘nother bunch of challenges. How are ya doing with this?
There’s a song by Jackson Brown that came to my mind immediately when I read your comment. I like Joan Baez’s rendition a little more but the song is “Fountain of Sorrow.” That seems like you to me. It really is “good to see your smiling face tonight” even if you’re not smiling: You’re ready to start living, Gary. You have not a clue of your own Courage. I think I do.
I hope you come back here-and so does Doug and everyone else. More thoughts? feelings? experiences? Anyone?
Thank all of you.
my husband, my best friend, the father of my 3 children, has been suffering with the symptoms of a traumatic brain injury since March, It was literally a night and day change over night. He rapidly began going from a solid, easy going, good natured man to being constantly angry, agitated, anxious and depressed. It has been such a long road, because what the docs suspect is CTE, which can only be diagnosed after death. Over the past few months, my husband has been medically admitted 1 time, and psychiatry admitted 3 times. On the night of 9/2/16, my husband picked a fight with me. He and I both said some pretty awful things. I can remember thinking in my head that I needed to stop and that I was being so mean… but I was so angry from all that has happened since March and I just couldn’t reel it in. I told him I hated him, and other things that I truly just didn’t mean but I wanted him to feel my hurt. He said some awful things to me as well and finally I was able to pull myself together and walk away. Before I walked away, I asked if he was safe, he told me he was and truly I have seen him in much worse places and didn’t actually believe he wasn’t safe but I ask out of habit at this point. I went upstairs and pulled myself together. I texted him and he was just in this loop of accusing me of cheating, lying, etc ( I have not cheated btw, it was his paranoid thinking). I asked him to come upstairs and just lay with me and have an open conversation about what was upsetting him, eventually he did. He layer with me and squeezed my so tight I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but he kept going in this loop of how I was lying and cheating and such, so I told him that if he was going to keep doing that then to just leave me alone. He kept on, and then suddenly he got up and went back downstairs. I was so angry about being the target of his anger for so many months, for being the one who was his primary support and care provider and also being the one to take the brunt of his anger and accusations, I was so tired of playing cat and mouse and chasing him around the house and always walking on egg shells…. and so I didn’t follow him. I just sat in bed for several minutes, and debating on if I should look at his phone to see if something triggered him while I was out with my daughter that night. Finally, I decided to look at his phone and when I opened his internet, it immediately popped up and detailed article about how to tie a noose. I dropped the phone and ran downstairs. I looked at the couch that I thought he’d be sleeping on and he wasn’t there. I walked around the corner into the laundry room and saw my husband hanging. He was completely blue and lifeless. I ran over to him and put my hand under the rope and heard a noise… for some reason that I can’t understand I thought I had snapped the rope ( he was in a seated position or possibly just above a stool, and so I wouldn’t have known by him falling to the ground) I ran upstairs to get my phone to call 911, and maybe 30 seconds into the call I realized I never broke the rope. I was so afraid to leave him again and so afraid of wasting time to go back upstairs for scissors so I tried to untie the rope. I wasn’t able to and so then I ran upstairs to get scissors and I cut the rope. I felt his neck and found no pulse, but his neck was rock hard so I moved to his wrist and again found no pulse. I remember standing there and telling the 911 operator that my husband was dead. My husband who I have known my whole life, the man I have spent my entire adult life with and my very best friend on this planet was dead. But then maybe 30 seconds later he began making a snoring noise, about 8 minutes later the police arrived (it was 3:40 something in the morning and we live in a small town with only one officer on overnight and he was assisting another call in the neighboring town) My husband was brought to our local ED, where I was told to go in his room while he was still having many doctors and nurses swarming around him. I was told to notice that he was having decerebrate posturing and told that that was a “really bad neurological sign of severe brain damage” They told me he was going to die. They intubated him, and got the seizures under control and then he was transported to Boston. I remember being told he might not survive the transport, so i went in and told him how very sorry I was for all the awful things I said and that I loved him so much. For the next almost 36 hours or so, I watched my husband remain in a coma in the trauma ICU. I sat there watching the doctors try over and over to get some sort of response from hims and again and again they got nothing. They told me he might never wake up and if he did, there was no way of knowing if he would remain in a vegetative state. My husband was blessed with an incredible miracle and he woke up on day 2. He was in very bad shape the first week… no short term memory, like memories not even registering so we had the same conversations over and over and each time was the first time for him. He didn’t know how to drink from a water bottle or hold a phone. Each day he made incredible progress, but I have been warned that he can do very well for days to several weeks and then regress. He then moved on to a psych hospital and has been home now for about 3.5 wks. He has good days and bad days, but in all days the brain damage is always apparent.
I am so grateful that he didn’t die, but I am also filled with such a deep sadness and anger and fear. I have nightmares every night, I shake all the time, I hardly sleep, I cry all the time, I have flashbacks out of nowhere, I can’t go downstairs and I cannot seem to get out of that night. I am struggling a lot. I am so angry that we already had it so hard with the TBI and then he hung himself and only caused even more brain damage.
I have tried getting some help, but it seems I don’t fit anywhere. There is no support anything for the spouse who found and cut down her husband that survived. There are resources for people who attempted and resources for people who have lost a loved one to a completed a suicide, but nothing for the witness to a extremely serious suicide attempt that wasn’t completed. I need help, I am drowning in the deep depression and all of the trauma stuff and I feel so alone because it feels like nobody understands. They want to, they try, but until you live something like this there is just no possible way to fully understand the pain. To make it even worse, my husband can’t even share in this with me because he has no memory of anything from that day through the following week. It’s really just a story being told to him. He began a new med and had 4 doses over 2 days before he did this and I truly believe this med pushed him over the edge and is the reason he can’t remember anything….
Anyway, I don’t know what I hope to gain from writing this and I sincerely hope that this doesn’t come off as offensive to those of you who lost someone to a completed attempt
thanks for listening, and if you can suggest any resources that would be incredibly helpful and appreciated
Jodi, I honestly say, if you go to a church talk to your preacher. If you don’t go to a church find one and see if there is someone you can talk to. Honestly, I have became closer to God, the bible, Jesus etc. more since the loss of my daughters father from suicide. I still have my bad days, but all in all I do not think I would be having better days if I did not look to God for help. He is the only one that can do anything for us, the answer is Jesus and God, our Lord and Savior. I do hope and pray for the best for you in dealing with this pain and depression. I never wish suicide or attempt suicide on anyone, this is the most painful thing I have ever dealt with.
My vote is for you and everyone else to talk as much as you want, you never know when something will resonate with someone else. After my father committed suicide I was only 15, but within a year the stress from trying to drown out the “noise” in my head had made me such a drinker that I could out drink most grown men That along with my escalated use of recreational drugs eventually made my liver fail a couple of years ago. It presented with a low white cell count which let some infection take up shop in my brain requiring surgery and I was in an induced coma for about a month after. My whole left side was paralyzed and I had to learn how to walk again At that time they told me I would die with out a transplant but that transplant surgery would kill me in the state I as in. One thing you never hear about is a concomitant condition of liver failure is a condition called Hepatic Encephalopathy That when you liver doesn’t filter the toxins out of your blood well enough and you sort of walk around in a perpetual brain fog. There are medications to help your body rid it self of these toxins but you never quite get back on an even keel. I shouldn’t blame my fathers suicide for this but it definitely expedited my demise. But his way out didn’t help me much at that young age. All I know is I am not the same guy I was before I got sick. I went through periods of not being able to control my temper and I eventually started to drive again I may have to give that up soon. It’s literally a one day at a time proposition. One day I feel good the next day I can barely get out of bed. I would like to think my father would have picked some other coping method instead of piling it all on me ……….But it’s too late now.
While I am in total and complete agreement that finding a loved one who has committed suicide is such a shock, I am disdained to think that I no longer feel that I am a part of any of these conversations only because my husband chose to not let me see him when he did it. He VANISHED from the house, leaving a note, and only being discovered behind the Police Station a day later, after I had the police in my house searching, and then he was found with a gun shot to his head. PTSD is NOT just about finding the body, but the total shock to our system when something like this happens.I fear most think that if you do not actually discover the body, then there is no PTSD. I beg to differ…
You are correct! You can absolutely have PTSD without finding the body.
I found this site while searching for ways to deal with PTSD after seeing my husband commit suicide. My story is a long one so I will shorten it as much as possible. In May of 2015 I was re-united with my high school sweetheart, my first husband. I knew he was having some emotional problems but, he seemed extremely happy to me & everyone around us. He was in a verbally abusive relationship for over 25 yrs between our time together but, I felt that he was recovering from that. Some things happened with our daughter & his family that truly hurt him but, still I thought he was okay. I was however pretty distracted from March of this year when he proposed to me until our wedding day on July 2nd. Planning a wedding in such a short time is very stressful but, he insisted we do it asap. We were to leave for our honeymoon the next weekend which happened to be the day after my 48th birthday. For 3 days up until my birthday on July 9th he started to act a bit strange. I, on the other hand was so relieved the wedding was over & so excited for the honeymoon to the Dominican Republic the next day. I was up late packing & woke up after him. From the time I got up he was being cold & cruel to me, which was very unlike him. I tried to ignore it but, as the day progressed he just seemed to be picking & trying to start a fight. I told him it was bad enough he was treating my birthday like any other day when I went out of my way to make his very special & he went ballistic! I did not want to fight with him, especially on my birthday so, after trying to talk to him & him walking away I left for a few hrs. When I came back he was acting very irrational & slinging accusations at me & just totally cutting me down. It was just so painful & so unusual I didn’t know what to think. There is a lot more to that day but, I just tried to avoid him which I thought was the right thing to do under the circumstances, especially since my 12 yr old son was here. Next thing I know he came through the back door, went straight to our bedroom & then proceeded to go into my office. That was odd to me but, I figured he was just going to get online & do some gaming since that is the only reason he usually went in there but, he got way too quiet & started texting me & telling me how I would be better off without him & so would his family & he was very down on himself. I got worried so I wouldn’t stop til he let me in there. Within 2 minutes he had slammed me against the wall while screaming in my face how everyone hated him. Nothing I said would change his attitude. He then got very calm & sat down on a futon in there so, I decided he needed to talk to someone so. I was going to call for help without him knowing I was doing it & as I turned to walk out of the room he jumped up super fast & as I turned he put the gun up & pulled the trigger. I know some of you know how that feels. It is something indescribable! It has only been five months & I have shut down from almost everyone & have not gotten help. My son swears he doesn’t need any help but, I feel so guilty for not reaching out to someone for him & myself. I know I need to & I need to make him go at least once. I for some reason can’t force myself to do it. Has anyone else experienced this feeling? I suffer & cry daily but, still I am trying to just get it out of my head & not have to re-live it over & over. Is it normal to feel like this & be hurting so bad & not want to talk about it? Maybe my son id feeling the same way. He hasn’t cried once that I know of. He only knew him for a little over a year but, they were getting pretty close & his dad just abandoned us when he was born so it was the closest thing to a dad he has known. I plan to call & schedule an appointment for both of to speak to someone cuz its getting harder everyday with the holidays & all. I guess I just finally felt the need to share with others who have felt the same way. I am so sorry for each one of you & your loss. God knows I can relate. So sorry for the long post.
Tryston. I think it may be worse than knowing specifics. My hyper-rumination is me trying to interpolate what happened between two well known and briefly spaced events. His walking out the door and the shot that came after. And I still drive my self crazy. If my imagination wasn’t bounded by some sort of reality and I had such a huge canvas to fill I don’t think I could do it. It’s taken many a long year for me to fill in that small blank and the best I have come up with to deal with it. Is that we can’t MAKE someone have a will to live. WE can’t MAKE them not want to die. We can do what we do and pick up the pieces and go on. But the ultimate decision is theirs.
I was talking to my sister about our father being so hell bent on self destruction that looking back if we had gotten him the help he so desperately needed he would have hung himself with a sheet or found something to cut his wrists with at the psyche ward . I have finally resigned my self to the fact that he wanted to die more than he wanted to live and becoming the person who would be there for his kids and family wasn’t an option that he wanted to exercise.
Last month my significant other killed himself in front of me over a Skype call. I was powerless to do anything but call 911. It was a long distance relationship, but we’d planned to move in together this month. He was my entire world. I feel like this is a nightmare. I can’t accept it.
Is there a way to connect with other people who’ve witnessed their partner’s suicide? My condolences and sympathy do go out to all other types of grief and PTSD relating to suicide, but I feel I need to work through this with people who more specifically relate.
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My father committed suicide almost 35 years ago when I was 15. I guess there is no harm in making categories but I don’t see it ever being easy on anybody. In my years I only met a couple of people who were watching when their family member completed the act. I guess that’s my way of saying I think we should be making the experience more inclusive. Like in the movie/book “The World According to Garp”. After some women want Garp to be tossed from his mothers funeral he says I will be grieving alone for the rest of my life so for now I want to share it with as many people as I can. .
I’ve been at this for decades and the only peace i can come close to is that you can’t make them want to live. In that final moment there is that point that it is on them. They will either do it or they won’t. It was not turning out not like my father pictured it was going to be like. (the night before I had unloaded his rifle and he pointed it at his chest and pulled the trigger and nothing happened) you could tell he thought it was going to be a quick and easy way to go. The next night I couldn’t get my hands on his gun and he pointed it at his chest and pulled the trigger and it clipped his pulmonary artery and he was dead about when he hit the ground. He was a grown man and I was a teenager and I resent him giving me that burden to carry through my life. But no matter what his intentions were once he pulled the trigger you can’t put the bullet back in the gun and you can’t breath life back into the dead. So what ever his selfish desires were and what ever pain he felt he had the last clear chance to save himself not me.