As I continue to analyze the reasons my dad chose to take his life, I have learned and read a lot about some people simply being more “predisposed” to suicide. This has come up during conversations with my grief counselor and I remain intrigued by the possibility. I also want to better understand what this predisposition actually means. (I found this article about “The Genetic Basis for Suicidal Behavior” in Psychiatric Times, but haven’t made my way through all of it yet.) Frankly, I’m still baffled …am I predisposed?! How do you know if you are? For example, we’ve talked about the fact my dad faced work stress, scrutiny in the public eye due to his job and other everyday issues, like unexpected bills – just like everyone else. In the past, I’ve been quick to say, “well, it must have been X, Y, Z issue that led him to do this.” But, my counselor will promptly remind me that many, many other people face these same issues daily and do not choose suicide. She once made an analogy that he might have had a small “crack” in his being all along that became irreparable after issues like these built up. Well, if I can’t blame X, Y, Z issue, then what can I blame for his decision? This intangible crack doesn’t feel like enough and it leaves me with more questions than I began with.
I wonder a lot about this crack – not only in him but in others, like myself. How long did he have that crack? Was he born with it? Did it start at a certain point of his life? Do I recognize a turning point at which it may have formed? Could I have done anything to heal it? Since I am his daughter, do I have a crack, too? After all, I would say that I tend to be more of a glass half empty person. I create worry where none should be had, I stress out very easily and I tend to get overwhelmed by common things like long work days, bills and traffic jams, etc. I am jealous of people who seem to be more easy breezy and roll with all of life’s punches. I WISH I was wired that way. I don’t feel this way every day, which I take as a signal that I am not trailing behind my dad. I do see the beauty in many things in life. My counselor tells me that suicide is an outcome and not a fate, which helps.
This is a difficult topic to write about because a) there doesn’t seem to be a defined answer and b) it’s uncomfortable. From the articles I’ve scanned, most conclude with the suggestion that more research needs to be done. And, it doesn’t really help me to say, “well, ok, he must have been predisposed so that solves it!” SO, can you be predisposed to suicide? We will probably never know why some people choose suicide.
From a personal standpoint – and to the point of Jessica’s article last week – the best thing surviving loved ones can do is be aware of their thoughts and emotions and seek help early. My sessions with the grief counselor (even all this time later) continue to be invaluable to me. Has this topic come up during your conversations with others?
Image courtesy of bandwmag.com
