On television’s “The View” this morning, the hosts briefly discussed the apparent suicide of Mick Jagger’s former girlfriend, L’Wren Scott. I did not catch this segment in its entirety; however my attention was drawn to the TV when one of the hosts stated, “You need to reach out to someone, as there are always other options.” Since the segment aired this morning, I have found myself thinking about the treatment available for the suicidal. I couldn’t help but question whether our society is truly able to fully treat the suicidal?
There is a piece of my story that is often different from others. It is hard for me to discuss, but I did see the signs, and my father did acknowledge to me that he was feeling suicidal. The last time I saw my father was Christmas Day, 2011. I remember him sitting by himself with my youngest niece, who was battling a stomach bug. He did not look like himself, and he did not act like himself. He was a silent observer; rarely engaging with anyone in our family. I knew my father was having a difficult time, as he had shared with me that he was seeking therapy for his depression and anxiety. While sitting by him that day he whispered to me, “you know, I have been feeling suicidal.” As a daughter, it was extremely hard for me to believe that my father might actually be contemplating this act. Why he chose to reach out to me, in that moment, will forever be unknown. Maybe he felt that I would understand since I am a licensed therapist; or, maybe it was a cry for help. As many other survivors likely have, I have replayed those final moments over and over in my head.
I remember when my father said goodbye on Christmas Day. I had this overwhelming sense that this moment would be our last. I cried after my father left, and spoke with my sister about his demeanor, and the words he said to me. We planned somewhat of an intervention, and agreed that making him move in with my sister would be the best way to move forward. We did not feel that the treatment he was getting was enough, and planned to intervene. We spoke with my father the next day, and planned to tell him what we wanted to do. I will never forget his voice that day. He sounded so happy, so at peace. He told us he was “out shopping” and felt “better than ever.” We began to question whether he needed our support, and decided to wait a couple weeks. He took his life the next day.
As I previously stated, I have gone over that final day, Christmas Day, time and time again. I have asked myself what would I, or could I have done differently? As a licensed therapist, I would have been obligated to break confidentiality if my father were my client. I would have recommended hospitalization. I have spent time visiting past patients on a psychiatric floor, and I will be the first to acknowledge that they are far from luxurious. I cannot picture placing my father in there, nor would I have wanted to. But what other option would I have had? He was already being prescribed medication, and continued to see a therapist on a weekly basis. Replaying those moments, and the decisions I would of or could have made, continue to direct me to the question, “Do we have enough resources available for the suicidal?”
I found this particular post difficult to write simply because I did not want my words to be misconstrued. I am by no means stating that there are not resources available for those feeling suicidal. What I am questioning is whether there are ENOUGH. It is not as simple as one of the hosts on The View stated this morning, and it made me cringe when she very lightly stated that there are “other options.” Yes, you are correct, there most definitely are other options. But, those options and seeking them out may not be as easy as society believes. My father tried so hard to find peace. We found bookshelves upon bookshelves of self help books. He took medication. He saw a therapist. What was the next step? Living with his daughter? Having his independence taken away at the age of 62? Or be placed on the psychiatric floor of a hospital, while friends and family talked about him and questioned everything he had done in his life. To me, the options are not as clear as society makes them.
Do you think there are enough treatment options available to those who are suicidal? Would love to hear your opinions on treatment for the suicidal in the comments.
I don’t think there is enough help or even knowledge. Before my son took his life, just short of his 16th birthday, we had openly talked about suicide for 4 years. He said he struggled with the pain daily. He told us it was so deep he could not reach it. He said, yeah, I can laugh and have fun with friends, but I hurt and can’t stop the hurt. None of us know what hurt he had, just that no one could reach it, including him. He had gone to a therapist on a weekly basis and had meds check regularly but that was not enough. After his passing, my husband could not bare the grief and has attempted many times to take his own life, but God does not want him yet. The last time was a really big scare because he was in a coma for 6 days with Dr.’s saying he has very little brain activity. He did survive it and is able to function in a somewhat normal day to day basis but his brain has been affected by that coma (intentional drug OD), trauma of our only son’s death, and by electric shock treatment and is now unable to work. He too says the pain is deep and its a tunnel that pulls you in. Just before you plan to take your life, you do become very estactic as you see the light at the end of your tunnel (at least for my son and my husband).
I have people (friends and friends of friends) come to me and ask for my help as they feel the pressure of wanting to end their life. My only recourse is to tell them to call crisis intervention or go directly to the hospital… do not wait. But I also know, that it could result in a 4-5 day hospital in-patient unit with therapy and medication evaluation, or possibly just sent home. They are not cured but have gotten through THAT moment. I have not seen any proven long lasting cure. I know that at any moment there is a crisis in our family, might be the next time my husband makes an attempt. He was told by his therapist that each time you attempt, you get closer to succeeding as you have a plan in the back of your mind. Medications to help with regulating his mood and he appears to be stable. But one day without can make a difference. I currently organize an Out of the Darkness Campus Walk in McHenry IL (April 26,2014) to raise money for education and awarenss of depression and suicide. We want to end the Stigma.
I once heard that every suicide is preventable, you just need someone else there. I don’t beleive that, but I do feel many of them are, if we just knew how to be there, read the signs, and get help. But again, I think that is just for the moment. I would love to hear that there is a long term cure.
Patti, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an incredibly strong and courageous woman. I agree with your statement, challenging the notion that every suicide is preventable. This statement was likely not made by someone who has experienced the pain one feels prior to taking their life. I strongly believe that it is statements like that, and the one made on The View, that further stigmatize individuals contemplating suicide. Why would one continue to reach out for assistance? I am not too sure what the answer is regarding treatment, but I do know that the mental health care in this country is lacking. I worked in social services for a few years after obtaining my Masters and I watched a number of individuals go in and out of the hospital. Hospitalization is only a bandaid. You are correct when you noted that it only “gets you through that moment.” They pump you full of meds, and then release you. Shortly after, you return back to feeling as you did prior to going in.
I do believe that the stigma surrounding mental illness continue to impact not only the chronically mentally ill but the so called “worried well” as well. This particular group is often shamed for feeling the way they do, as people often note that they have nothing to be depressed about because, hey, “things can get worse.” Why reach out for help when someone will further shame you for your feelings?
I do believe that therapists should have to undergo further education to treat individuals who are contemplating suicide. We have addictions specialists, grief counselors, and marriage and family counselors. Why not have therapist specifically trained to treat this growing population? I believe that my dad’s therapist was practicing outside of her area of expertise and was not trained to assist someone in such a deep hole. As a therapist, I would have no problem referring a patient out if I did not feel that I was capable of assisting them to the best of my ability; unfortunately, not everyone else in my field would do the same.
I thank you for continuing to work to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. It is people like you who will help shift society’s views. My husband is running the Chicago Marathon in honor of my father, as he to is raising money for the Out of Darkness charity. Please continue to fight for your son and husband. Together WE CAN make a difference!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this piece. It is so helpful to read this – so many tell survivors that they didn’t know, they could do no more,they did all they could but truth is more ambiguous. I like you, knew something was up, but thought I had time to come up with “options” and, in my case, others who would support me or my friend in this.
I agonize over what more I could have done, and what difference would it have made and I have to admit, the wisest answers (from psychiatrists, neurologists, theologists) admit that yes, hearing my story, maybe I could have done this or that different BUT that it would have delayed the situation, not solved it. A psychiatrist stated bluntly, if you had told a professional, the police, a doctor, they would have put him in a neutral place for a few days and it would not have solved a single one of his problems or helped him cope, it just avoids a crisis now, not how to deal with the next one.
So my response to you is not just are we doing enough but are we doing the right things? I flailed for answers as to what to do, called relatives, authorities, relatives again, got no one to listen. I debated calling 911 and having him institutionalized but I also know, with no doubt, if he had an idea that was up, he would have acted faster.
Enough? No, because what is needed is not a one size fits all response of a stay in a hospital.
Not just not enough, though. Not soon enough. The real answer is to find a way to act sooner, to get help sooner, to avoid crisis and have better choices before the pain is too great. These people are not stupid, just suicidal and if they have made up their mind, they know what “telling” entails and they choose not to be hospitalized. We need a safe place to tell without fear of that “option” for one thing.
Constance, I can’t agree with you more. There appears to be a cookie cutter approach to treatment. It is not enough, and it is not working. I think before treatment can effectively be evaluated and changed, the stigma surrounding mental illness needs to be put to rest. How can someone reach out for help if they fear they will be shamed for their thoughts or feelings? Like you, there is more I could have done. But the question remains, “would I have wanted to?” The answer is no. I would not wanted to have hospitalized my dad. I also agree with your statement that it “would have delayed the situation, not solved it.” I completely agree. There needs to be more options. It is my hope that with people like you and me, we will begin to see a change. It will be a long process, as change always takes a long time. But, I am up for the task!