Until my dad died, I had never heard the concept of a “new normal.” Ok… I guess I had heard it in my marketing life as a way to describe the way consumer behavior changed after the recession. But, I didn’t expect it would take on an entirely different connotation in my own life. Days after my dad took his life, I began attending Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) support group meetings. During those gatherings, I heard many attendees talk about their new normal after death by suicide. At the time, I was too new in the grief process to know how that would manifest for me or what it really meant. However, what I heard from them were stories about how traditions and holidays changed or how their general disposition evolved. Their “new normal” wasn’t necessarily labeled a bad thing, it was just the way their lives progressed in the aftermath of a loss by suicide.
Two-and-a-half years later, I have a better grasp on what my own “new normal” is. And, I get it. Life isn’t necessarily worse for me…it’s just different. These are some of the things I’ve observed:
- My rose colored glasses are a little foggier. Before my dad died, I remember thinking to myself on occasion that my life was literally perfect. On paper, I had a great job, a loving husband, a close-knit family and means to live a comfortable lifestyle. Sure, I had bad days, but at that newlywed moment in time, you really couldn’t knock me from my cloud. Today, I’m a bit more cynical and skeptical. Sometimes, I look at what I do for a living and think it’s really petty. “Am I really on a conference call right now discussing the color and font of this advertisement?” It seems so trivial after experiencing something so catastrophic. I also seem to get annoyed more easily. “Stupid” people aggravate me, like people who nearly cause accidents with their inattentive driving or people who cut in line, etc. I’d like to think that I am not bitter but more so aware that life is very precious and that we should spend time doing things that matter and caring for others.
- I value relationships more. Before the rug of my dad’s sudden death was pulled out from under me, I thought I had nothing but time. I would put off get-togethers, saying “we should hang out soon!” Worse, I planned to ask my dad about our family history and his fathers’ war stories. I always thought we’d sit around one day and I’d be able to ask those questions. Now he and my grandfather are gone and I have no one to ask. Today, I try to make definitive plans with people and ask/do things in the moment.
- I’m a bit more worrisome and anxious. I used to love business travel. I couldn’t collect rewards points and miles fast enough. Now, I get very nervous when I’m tapped on the shoulder to take a trip. I know how easily life changed for me in one second and I worry that something just as bad could happen for the one night I’m away. And, I worry I would never forgive myself for not being there. Again, it boils down to wanting to be surrounded by the people I love and doing things that matter in the grand scheme of life. At the same time, I know life can’t stop. So, I try to find ways of coping and offering up the situation to a higher power to get me through it.
- Holidays feel “different.” This may change once I have a family of my own, but I don’t seem to get as jazzed about the holidays as I used to. My dad was the ring leader of our celebrations and made them so special and fun. Another thing that has happened in the years since is family members moving away or marrying off and spending their time elsewhere. What used to be a 12-person event at Thanksgiving is now down to 3-4 people. We have established new traditions and they are lovely, but I will always miss the nostalgia and happiness of the old ones and my childhood.
I have definitely found other things to bring happiness to my life: leisure travel with loved ones, buying and creating a new home with my husband, finding fulfillment in various projects, spending time with family and friends, etc. My “new normal” could also just be part of getting older and adjusting to the changes that come with that.
The “new normal” means different things to each survivor and may vary in degree based on how much the person is internalizing what happened. There is no one-size-fits-all to this broad term.
Have you observed a new normal in your life? What does it mean to you?
