These past two weeks have been mentally draining for me. Last Tuesday, February 11th, would have been my Mom’s 60th birthday, and Monday February 17th would have been my Dad’s 57th birthday. Since my Dad passed in 2011, February has been a rough month.
Last week, I did not think I was that stressed about their birthdays, but by Friday my face completely broke out, I binged on a ton of sugary food (which is very unlike me) and have felt completely exhausted.
Speaking of candy, this year I purchased each one of my parent’s favorite Fannie May candies to bring to my
monthly LOSS meeting and to enjoy with my husband in memory of my parents. One thing my counselor recommends for a healthy relationship with your loved one after a suicide is to continue celebrating birthdays after death and keeping other traditions alive throughout the year. I have been trying to do something around the major holidays and their birthdays each year since they both passed. Last year, I believe I lit candles for them and brought a cookie cake to the LOSS meeting. This year, I wanted to change it up and bought their favorite candy. My Dad’s favorite were the Turtles (or Pixies) and my Mom’s were the Vanilla Buttercreams.
On my Mom’s birthday, I talked with my brother for a while; we were both pretty much down in the dumps that day. On my Dad’s birthday, I went into crazy cleaning mode and tried to stay extra-busy before work (I think so I didn’t have to write this blog post and think about my feelings, as well as leave my brain as little time possible to process another birthday that he’s not here to celebrate). So, not only have I had their birthdays as reminders these past two weeks, but I just feel like suicide has been all around me lately, more so than normal. Last week on Facebook I saw that a friend’s cousin took their life suddenly. I then found out an old friend growing up lost her sister to suicide this past summer. This one was really hard on me when I found out; her sister was only 11 years old. I knew that her sister passed this summer, but only found out on Sunday night that it was by suicide. Then at work on Monday, I found out a client’s spouse’s good friend took their life several years ago, and their spouse used LOSS’ services to deal with the grief.
Hearing all these stories around my parents’ birthdays just made these past two weeks that much harder, and judging by my acne-ridden face, the stress is definitely getting to me. I know they say that grief from suicide is a roller coaster of emotions — you have your highs and you have your lows. I think now I am just in one of those “low” times.
I told a friend how bad my face had been breaking out, and they said to look into Traditional Chinese Medicine as they have a facial map that explains some reasons for acne. One of the spots I’ve broken out the most maps with the “lungs” in TCM, and that is associated with grief. I need to read more about TCM, but it was interesting to see that a spot that I NEVER break out in is associated with grief.
To combat all the stress, I have been trying to be as open and transparent about my feelings as possible. I went to my LOSS meeting last week, talked with my brother about how we have been missing our parents lately, and I have talked with several friends recently about other things that are on my mind and causing some additional worries. Right now, I am even waiting for my husband to come home so I can talk with him about something that’s been worrying me the past. Doing this — being vulnerable — is something that used to be very difficult for me, but I’ve seen through my own grief process that it helps so much.
To end this post on a lighter note, I had a very funny sign from my Dad on Sunday. I was making eggs and bacon for my husband and me. I put bacon on a baking sheet, as I was going to cook it in the oven. I specifically remember putting 8 pieces of bacon on the sheet, as I wanted extra for breakfast the next day. After the bacon was done, I took it out of the oven, transferred it to a plate, and then popped the plate back in the oven to keep warm while I was scrambling my eggs. As I was plating the eggs and splitting up the bacon between two plates, I realized that there were only 6 slices of bacon…my husband and I each had 3 slices! I SWEAR I put 8 slices on the sheet — I remember I had to squeeze the pieces together and put a few in the opposite direction to make them all fit. I didn’t think about it until an hour later when we were in the car that maybe it was a sign from My Dad. His nickname was “Pig Tom,” so I am assuming he ate my last two pieces of bacon!
