In Loving Memory of my Father

I’m writing this today in loving memory of my father on the two year anniversary of his passing. I still cannot believe that it has been two years since I last heard my father’s voice. It has been two years since I felt his embrace, heard his laugh, or smiled at one of his many witty comments. It has been two years since I have called my father from a sporting event just to let him know that his little girl still loves her sports. Nothing in this world will ever replace his memory, or the love that I felt when he held me so tight. Still today, I am my father’s daughter.

 

It is difficult to put into words the feelings and emotions I have experienced over the past two years.  The holidays have been difficult since Christmas Day 2011 was the last time I saw him. It is hard to not think about how his absence has forever changed my life.  Over the past couple of days, in my moments of sadness, I have asked myself whether his absence is what makes me feel so incredibly sad. Or is it the fact that his demons were so strong that it led him to believe that suicide was the only answer. It is difficult to not ask myself what I could have done to change the outcome.  Was there anything that I could have said to him to give him hope that this life could be better?  These as well as a number of other questions will forever go unanswered.  So instead of driving myself crazy, asking myself question after question, I have decided to use this forum to share what I learned from my father over the 28 years that I was blessed to call him my dad.

• “Just dance.” These were the two words that my father would always tell me.  He taught me that nothing in life should ever stop you from dancing.  My father taught me to dance to my own song, and to not let others dictate the rhythm of your song.  He inspired me to be my own person and write my own song.  I thank him for blessing me with the strength to be my own person.
• Love unconditionally and with your whole heart.  My father did this best.  There is not a person who has met my father who would not say that he was the most loving man they had ever known.  Some might view this as “wearing your heart on your sleeve.”  I view it as being an honest person with an incredibly compassionate soul.  I thank him for teaching me to have compassion for others, and to love my family and friends with my whole heart.
• Hug often! I am a hugger and I can thank my father for this trait.  He gave the most tender and loving hugs that I have experienced.  There was something about his hugs that can never be replaced.  When he wrapped me in his arms, I felt the depth of his love for me.  I find myself hugging others with the same embrace.  My daughter may only be 4 months, but she will forever feel my love through my embrace.  Thank you dad for teaching me how to communicate my love to her.
• Do not judge others.  My father was the least judgmental person I have ever known.  The man loved everyone!  He knew everyone on the block’s story, and called each one of them his friend.  I cannot remember my father not liking anyone, or uttering negative words about others.  He had the ability to see the good in others, and I like to think that I do too.

One of the most important lessons my father taught me was through his death.  I have learned that life is too short to accept unhappiness.  He taught me to find the happiness in this life and make the most out of every day.  I see the world with different eyes since the death of my father.  The long line at the grocery store no longer seems as bad; the rude teller at the bank no longer ruins my day; the stress and uncertainty of the future no longer makes me feel anxious or stressed.  I have a good life.  I take that back, I have a GREAT life.  I am so lucky to have the life that I have been given.  I cherish every day, and I thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon me.  I wouldn’t change a thing about my life.  One might ask me, “well wouldn’t you have your father back?”  I am not too sure what my answer would be.  If it weren’t for my father’s death, I am not sure I would love and appreciate my life in the way I do.  He will never know how much he has changed my life.

Thank you Dad for loving me, and helping me become the person I am today.  I love you.

The sunset photograph above the post, is from our land in Mexico.  My father was always at peace by the water.  We chose the dove to be placed on his tombstone to signify peace.  I like to think that he is flying above the water, finally at peace.