At the last LOSS monthly meeting I attended, we discussed some tips to help with grief during the holidays. I wanted to share them with you all, as I have used many of them over the past few years. I have included them below along with my comments on what has worked best for me since losing both my mom and dad.
Openly Discuss Past Traditions
Talk things over with family and friends and make changes accordingly to the wishes of those who are hurting the most.
I made it a point to discuss with my brother what he wanted to do and we did many things we used to do with our parents. This year, we are going to spend Christmas Eve with some family friends who we used to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with when my parents were around.
Create a Special Tribute for the Day
Light a candle, gather some special remembrances or develop something to make the memory of a loved one that is helpful and meaningful to you. Be creative. Be unique. BE YOURSELF.
In the past, I have lit candles in my parents memory. Last Thanksgiving, I left out a bowl of gravy, since that was my Dad’s favorite. Becky gets elairs in her Dad’s memory. Make it something unique to your loved one. This year, I’ve been listening to the Jimmy Buffett Christmas album as my Dad was a big Parrot Head. Another thing my counselor told me –you don’t have to do something big and elaborate. No one else even needs to know that the candle lit on the table is in memory of someone! If you don’t feel comfortable talking about it, that’s fine.
Plan in Advance Where to Spend the Holidays
Remember that it is hard to escape the holiday atmosphere. Rather, try to face the pain at a place or home of someone who will understand and provide nurturance. If being at home is more appropriate, sty at home. You may be surprised to find that your ancipiatory fear of the holidays is worse than the holiday itself.
The first year after my Dad died, I had so much anxiety I didn’t want to leave my condo for Christmas (read about that here!). I had a plan for what I’d do if that would happen, and what I’d do if I felt okay to celebrate. I made a plan with my counselor and discussed it with my husband, brother, and in laws. I felt much more in control once I had a plan in place.
Balance Solitude with Sociability
Being alone can help renew our strength but being with the right family/friends can be a very supportive experience for you. Try to attend holiday events and enjoy them if you can. Having a good time is not a betrayal of your loved one, nor is it a denial of your grief or loss.
Relive Pleasant Memories
Trying to pretend that nothing has happened or changed is not only burdensome, it’s nearly impossible. Try to recall happy holiday memories and rituals. Celebrate them. Change them. Make new memories flow from the old memories. In doing this, you may end up with the best of the old and the energy of the new.
Set Aside some “Letting Go” Time
Set aside some time for crying, for writing down your thoughts and feelings or for talking to your loved one.
I met a friend through LOSS who plans time around the holidays to read old birthday cards that her Dad gave her. She sits, reads the cards, cries, and it’s OKAY for her to grieve at that time, because it’s the time she’s set aside for it. For others, it’s going to the cemetery.
Counter the Conspiracy of Silence
It is not unusual for family and friends to be afraid to talk about the loved one, for fear of causing hurt or pain. You can take the initiative by talking about the loved one. This will alert others to the fact that it is okay to share, talk, cry, and remember.
Try Not to “Awfulize”
It is easy to think that life is especially awful during the holidays. Try instead to reach out to others, accept their love. Give your permission to be joyful. This does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.
For me, this is a hard one—my first Christmas I couldn’t stop repeating to my husband, “I feel like an orphan!” It’s so hard around the holidays not to “awfulize”. I had to keep reminding myself that my Dad would WANT us to have fun, that he enjoyed the holidays. I know it’s easier said that done.
Find a Creative Outlet
Many times people find their grief can be a channel for strong, creative feelings. The inward power of grief often leads to outward expressions through writing, poetry, stories, art, gardening, cooking, etc.
The first Christmas after my Dad died, I spent a lot of my free time crafting (thanks to Pinterest!). It helped me relax and help destress.
Consider the Needs of Remaining Family or Friends
Pay attention to your children, family members, close friends or other loved ones. Listen to them. Celebrate them. Let them continue to have the joys of the season even though you may want to forget the holidays altogether.
For me, I made sure I checked in with my brother see if there was anything special he wanted to do–or places he DIDN’T want to go (we got invited to so many family friend’s houses, and we knew some places we just wouldn’t feel comfortable celebrating the holidays with).
Utilize Available Resources
Don’t try to grieve alone during the holiday season. Seek support from those you know will be understanding. It is easy to say: “I don’t want to spoil their holidays” or “I don’t want to be any trouble.” Trust those friends, family, support groups and religious communities who have stated that they would stand by you during your time of grief. Grief doesn’t take a vacation from the holidays, nor do those who love and truly care for you.
For me, I go to counseling more than normal, and I make sure I am able to attend my monthly support groups.
I hope that you have found these tips to help with grief during the holidays beneficial. Know that we are thinking about you during this special time of year.
Image sourced from Wired.com.
