This will be the third Christmas since my Dad’s 2011 suicide. It’s crazy to think that much time has passed since he died. He passed away in July, so the first Christmas, which was less than 5 months after, was horrible. I had so much anxiety and fear going into that holiday. I felt so alone—we were coming into the season where you’re supposed to celebrate and embrace family, and I felt like I didn’t have anyone. My Mom passed away three years before my Dad, so the only immediate family I had was my brother. I kept repeating to my husband that I felt like an orphan. I knew it upset him, but I said it all the time—I couldn’t help my feelings at that time.
That year, everyone invited us to their house for Christmas Eve or Christmas. It’s weird, even with all those invites, I just felt so empty and hollow. I didn’t want to spend Christmas with extended family friends—we did that for the first Thanksgiving and it was not good for my Brother and me, so I knew I couldn’t do that again, even though everyone wanted us to come over. I kept telling my husband that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go to his parent’s house on Christmas Day. I felt horrible, because I love my in laws, but I just didn’t know how I’d feel come Christmas morning. Those months after my Dad’s death were a roller coaster of emotions, as we all know.
Getting Through the Holidays After A Loss
Getting through the holidays after a loss is tough the first year, and it doesn’t necessarily get easier, but we find ways to embrace new traditions. The one thing that really helped me through the first Christmas was having a plan in place for that day. I remember telling my counselor that I was so anxious for the day, and I was worried I’d wake up and just want to be by myself at home. I think I was worried my in-laws and husband would be upset. I eventually told my husband how I felt—and how I knew it was weird that I might not want to celebrate Christmas. Sometimes our feelings are weird things—you know they are maybe irrational but you can’t help them. He and his parents were very understanding of my feelings, and we all decided that if I didn’t feel up to coming to visit on Christmas, that I’d stay at home…no one would be upset. OR, if I felt fine, I’d come over to my in-laws. I found out later that my mother-in-law told my husband that if I decided to stay at home, that he must stay with me. It was so reassuring later knowing that the entire family supported me and my feelings for that first holiday without my Dad.
Embracing New Traditions
Another tip my counselor gave my brother and me was to make “new” traditions. I know that sounds so cliché because that’s what we all have to do now—make new traditions, find our new “normal,” but that’s what we had to do. My brother, husband and I decided that for Christmas Eve, we’d do something with just the three of us. My brother came over to our condo, we went downtown to Christkindlemarket, walked around Millennium Park and even over to Buckingham Fountain, and then eventually made our way over to The Sky Deck at the John Hancock building. It was a wonderful day – it was sunny and in the 40s, which is a shock for Chicago weather (if any of you live in Chicago you know that it’s been bitterly cold the last few days and we’re not even to mid-December yet!). That evening my husband and I made dinner at our house, we watched some Christmas movies and went to bed. The next day, the three of us had breakfast and opened presents before my husband and I headed to his parents and my brother went to his best friend’s house. It wasn’t ideal, but looking back, I enjoyed our new “normal”. We may not do that every year, but it was a nice memory.
Christmas Day, I woke up feeling better than expected, so I went with my husband to his parent’s house. Looking back on it (as well as talking with other survivors and my counselor), sometimes the anxiety leading into an event is far worse than the event itself when it gets here. For me, I had extreme anxiety leading into the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the year anniversary of his death.
Battling Event Anxiety
I know last month one of my friends was very upset leading into her 30th birthday—her husband took his life before he made it to 30, so just the fact that she was hitting a milestone that her husband never would was very upsetting.
For me now, knowing that this anxiety comes on very strong is something I have to watch out for. Right now I am not feeling it for the holidays, but I don’t know if that will change next week or even tomorrow. If I feel that it’s getting worse, I know I’ll meet with my counselor and have a plan in place. That is what works for me.
This year I have been in a very good place with keeping my Dad alive during the holiday season. His nickname was “Pig Tom”, so I found this huge light up pig at Target in the Christmas section.
I also found two plush pig ornaments at Old Navy – one has a Santa Hat on, and the other has reindeer antlers. I have two on my tree, and I bought others for my brother, and one hangs in my car from my rearview mirror. I even found these cute Pig key chains at Christkindlemarket. And I have been listening to a TON of Jimmy Buffett Christmas songs. I wasn’t in the right place last year to think this fondly of my Dad around the holidays—I was too upset and angry with him. But at the moment now, I am trying to incorporate him in the holidays as best as I can.
Images courtesy of Target and America’s Best Inn.
Thanks for these posts, Lindsay! We (you and I) obviously have different family situations as it relates to our dads, but I have been feeling everything from anxiety to dread about the upcoming xmas holiday, as it’s my first year without Ron. Your words and the techniques that you employed to create new traditions are great, and definitely bring me comfort, so thanks!
Hi Patrick,
So glad that my post helped. I just added two more posts with a few more tips that helped Tommy, Chris and I through the first few holidays, along with a candle lighting ceremony that I’ve done before. Do you and your siblings know what you’re doing yet? Are you going to come to Chicago for any of the holiday? If so please let me know, I’d love to see you. Please know that you, Kristi, Erin and Danny have been on my mind a lot lately. I’m always here to talk. Love you!
The holidays are approaching and I am filled with dread and anxiety. Thanksgiving is next week, Christmas is next month, and the day I am fearing most, New Years, is looming out there. My mother died 12 years ago, my father died 2 years ago. On New Year’s Eve 2014 my brother, the most wonderful person I have ever known, put a gun to his head and ended his life. I am alone. The words on the page still do not seem real 323 days later. How can it be?
Thank you for your blog, it reaffirms for me that I should be proactive with the well meaning friends and family who don’t know what to say or do and tell them what I need during this season. Maybe that is to just be alone. I too have no idea how I will feel on Christmas (or New Years) Some things that I think will feel awful do not, other things crash over me like tidal wave and leave me feeling as though I’m suffocating. I know I do not want a memorial ornament, or an empty chair at the table, or pictures of past holidays. I know that I do want people to talk about Billy. I hate that nobody says his name. I guess we all have to walk the steep and twisty jagged path of grieving with our own careful steps. Thank you for the encouragement. I saw that same pig at Target, it made me smile, I hope I find something like that to start a new tradition that can bring some comfort.
Two years ago August 13ty, we lost our older son to suicide. When my husband, younger son and I have family get-togethers at Thanlsgiving and Christmas, no one mentions his name. Even though my husband and I are believers in Christ, I still wonder why. I feel sure that my extended family don’t talk about him for fear they will increase our pain. Surely grief is something that never completely goes away. His girlfriend recently sent us some of his things, that related directly to his death, and the wound opened wide. Christmas is Sunday. Josh, my Dad, and my mother-in-law all died within sixteen months of each other. A lot of my day is filled with the care of a depressed, ill mother. She insists that she does not her ashes close to our son’s. She has no idea how painful this is to me. She only mentions his to say how much she did for him and us when he and Caleb were small. The Lord will get us through yet another holiday, but I am not. not looking forward to it.