Dealing with Suicide Grief Attacks

In the days, weeks and months after losing a loved one to suicide, it’s common to experience fleeting suicide grief attacks. These can be characterized as unexpected waves of severe grief that strike out of nowhere or even without prompting. They can present as depressing thoughts or full-on, tear-filled panics. Generally, they lessen in frequency over time, but they can occur even years later.

I remember a few of my most “severe” cases. The first was just a few weeks after my dad’s funeral. I was working in the kitchen and felt the need to go look at pictures I set aside in the bedroom. As I started to leaf through them, the sobs started. Did this really happen? Can we undo this somehow? How will I ever be able to go on? My husband, checking to see where I disappeared to, came in to find me surrounded by my mementos. I don’t think he knew what to do, but he instinctively offered a hug and that’s really all I needed. Several minutes later, I was able to compose myself and get back to what I was doing.

The worst one came on my dad’s birthday – the first one I experienced after he died. Operating on very little sleep, I was up early that day driving back to Illinois after a family visit in Wisconsin. There was something about the sun rising over the horizon while I was driving with almost no one else on the road and feeling so alone… That was a day that was supposed to be dedicated to him. What was I supposed to do to make it special? I went into work and almost immediately lost control. How could I be expected to sit here and work on seemingly inconsequential tasks while my dad was dead and had no more birthdays to celebrate? I took a big risk and left without telling anyone because my eyes were so puffy and bloodshot that I was too embarrassed. (I sent a note from home later and everyone was completely understanding about my excuse.) I knew what my dad would have done that day and I decided to do it. He loved chocolate eclairs. So, with audible sobs, I hopped in a cab, drove to the nearest bakery and bought a big one just for me. I think the cashier must have thought I was crazy, ordering baked goods with the saddest appearance they had likely ever seen. I got home, sat on the couch, and tried to make myself eat the éclair. I then looked at more photos and spent time reflecting.  That’s just what I needed to do that day. The next birthday was much more approachable.

Another one was less severe. I was driving and turned to the song we danced to at my wedding – Rascal Flatts’ “My Wish.” I debated changing the channel or powering through it and I opted for the latter. Of course, it made me weepy, but I wanted to think about him and that special memory for those few minutes.

My advice for dealing with suicide grief attacks is to do what makes you feel best and let yourself feel the emotions that have surfaced. It really doesn’t do any good to mask or bury them. A good cry can be really cathartic and it’s ok to dedicate that time to your loved one. In my experience, friends, family and employers have been more than accepting and understanding when I need to take a time out. I used to be embarrassed by them, but I’m not anymore considering what I/we’ve all gone through.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve experienced another attack. These days, I just find myself thinking about positive memories and doing my best to continually digest what happened.

Related posts:

Dealing with Anxiety after a Suicide Catastrophizing: Dealing with Panic After Suicide Loss Dealing with Anger after Suicide Depression vs. Grief