My counselor told me that the people who grieved the healthiest were the ones who were able to have a relationship with their loved ones after their death. She said it especially helped during the holidays, which as we all know, are some of the hardest times to deal with after losing a loved one to suicide. She gave me a list of things that I could try: visiting the cemetery, sharing a story about him with the family I was celebrating with, lighting a candle in his memory, listening to a song that reminded me of him, or writing him a letter.
The first Christmas after my Dad’s death, I didn’t do anything special to keep him involved that day. It was just too hard and the thought of trying to have a relationship with him after his death just didn’t appeal to me at that point. I had extreme anxiety going into that first Christmas without him, and even had plans to NOT celebrate with the rest of my family if I woke up feeling like I wanted to be alone. The next year, however, I felt a little more inclined to try to do something. For his year anniversary, I lit a candle at the house in his memory. It wasn’t something big or over the top, it was just enough that I was able to physically acknowledge the day. It made me feel a little better, a little more relieved. When the second Thanksgiving came around, my brother and I lit two candles (one for my Dad and one for my Mom). I also put a small bowl of gravy near the candle, as my Dad LOVED gravy. It was easier to talk about him that year, and again, it felt good to include my parents in our holiday.
Recently some family members and I went to a White Sox Game together. It was “Elvis Night” at US Cellular, and that was one of my Dad’s favorite nights at the park. It was a fun evening where my Brother and I talked a lot about my Dad. We all agreed on how much the park reminded us of our Dad. I used to work close to the park and my Dad and I would go out to lunch as he also worked in the area. I hadn’t been on the south side in over a year so it was kind of eerie being there without him. However, it was nice to experience something that he loved so much, and I know he was happy to see all of us having fun at a game (especially since my husband, father-in-law and I are all Cubs fans!).
There are many other ways to have a relationship with your loved one after they have died. For me, it has helped my grief and makes me feel closer to my Dad. I don’t feel comfortable going to the cemetery or writing my Dad a letter (suggestions given to me by others), and I am still trying to figure out what I can do to keep my Dad in my life. I have a friend who reads birthday cards her Dad gave her before he died. I know Becky gets Chocolate Éclairs in memory of her Dad.
I recently read an article titled “Death Does Not End a Relationship” and this summed up what I was trying to convey in this post:
“Transforming relationships means to learning to carry our deceased loved one in a new way. We learn, through trial and error, how to weave our loved one and their values into this new life without them. We create a new life that evokes the memories, values, and ethics of our loved one and live with them in this new world, and relate to their memory in a new way. But through love, we can always be in relationship with them.”
What I love about this quote is that your relationship doesn’t have to be surrounded by memories or acts—but by keeping your loved ones values and ethics an integral part of your life. That is something I have been trying to do, as my Dad’s best qualities were his generosity and love for his friends. He would honestly do anything for a friend or for my Brother and me. Whenever I get annoyed or upset that I have to run some errands for a friend/family member, or feel that I’ve stretched myself thin by making too many plans or commitments, I just think of my Dad and know how happy he’d be to be able to do so many things for his friends. It helps me change my perspective and try to be the most generous friend I can be.
What do you do to keep your loved one in your life? I would love to know, as I am still trying to figure out my relationship with my Dad after his suicide.
Hey Lindsay-
Awesome post here! I have always wondered what kind of music your dad listened to, and whether it was a big part of your upbringing, etc, since you and Chris so obviously have a great bond in your love of music. I meant to ask you during Mello/Ryan’s wedding, but didn’t get a chance… I’d be interested to hear what memories you have about music in your childhood and what kind of music or movies he liked. I guess it goes without saying that Ron- like all the other Curme siblings- was all into those oldies tunes and Motown and stuff… but more recently (2000 and on) we turned him on to some newer stuff that was more “kids/modern” music, so sometimes when I’m listening to some of those bands/artists (DJ Madlib, Royksopp, other throwback stuff) I think of him! 🙂
Patrick–
YES–music was a huge part of my upbringing…but most of it was Jimmy Buffett 😉 My Dad was OBSESSED with Jimmy Buffett. I know all his songs. It’s funny, the other morning out of nowhere I realized I had a song called “Fruit Cakes” stuck in my head. I haven’t heard that song in YEARS so I took it as a sign that my Dad was with me. My Dad also helped music be a big part of mine and Tommy’s lives by taking us to many concerts (KoRn, The Offspring, etc), as well as be Tommy’s #1 fan with all the bands he was in. AAt Melissa’s wedding Aunt Carol told me about a sign she had recently from your Dad. She was thinking about him once day when she was doing laundry. She said she left the laundry room, came back, and there was a penny on the floor from 1969–the year her and your Dad thought was the best music year. It gave me chills when she told me that story!
I think our Dad’s love for music has to do with their outgoing and fun personalities. On the 2 year anniversary of my Dad’s death, I drove Chris’ car (which has sattelite radio) and listened to the “Margaritaville” (Buffett) radio station. If you had to pick one song that reminds you of your Dad the most, which one would it be?
Love,
Lindsay
Wow… hard to say one song, pretty much every Beatles song ever, and lots of Motown, but Wilson Pickett’s Mustang Sally is up there. When we were driving in for his Chicago funeral, and we crossed into IL (literally, passing the Welcome to IL big sign), Mustang Sally came on the radio (one of his favorite songs that he would sing to). Half of us cried and the rest laughed and we all said “yep… that’s too bizarre to be a coincidence”.
Dear Lyndsay, thank you. You gave me a great advice to keep having my son with me in my life. He was an angel from the start like the song written by his friends and I will try to do my best. xx
http://youtu.be/vnqlkiMXNAE
I love the blog. This post is excellent. Important part of our recovery, to have a relationship with them after death. I could not find the words when I tried to describe how far I have come since 2007. I try not to think about how she died only that she lived. I remember and honor my sister every day.
I also have to add the video about Olivier is 1 of the best memorials I have ever saw. He has awesome friends that wrote a song for him. Wow!
I lost my Dad on July 19th. We had a battle of the bands in the morning when I was growing up. He had the better stereo so he usually won!! He loved Pink Floyd. I had the opportunity to go to a concert with him back in the early 90s. I have been listening to Pink Floyd daily since he died. It was just a month on Friday so I am still in the early stages of grief and trying to figure out how to stay positive. Your blogs have been very helpful. Thank you.