Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance make up the five stages of grief. As a counselor, I am more than familiar with these stages, as I have discussed them with individuals who have lost a loved one. As I read through each stage today, I can’t help but ask myself whether these stages apply to an individual who has lost a loved one to suicide. I am not arguing that as survivors we do not grieve like others. What I have began to question is whether a survivor is able to fully transition through each stage in order to fully accept what has happened. Let’s look more specifically at each stage:
DENIAL:
Defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler as, “The world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial.” I certainly relate to this, as nothing made sense in the weeks following my father’s death. Some say that denial is a way to cope with the loss that we have experienced, enabling us to survive. I believe that denial in the aftermath of suicide is our psyche’s response to the unknown. How can you cope with and process something that you truly do not understand? Prior to my father’s death, I did not know anyone who had died by suicide. This was simply not something that existed in my world, and certainly not something that could have happened to my family. Thinking about my father’s death now, still leaves me in a state of shock as I ask myself, “Did this really happen?”
ANGER:
As I survivor, I have spent a great deal of time in this stage. How can you not be angry at somebody or something for the loss that you have experienced? I was angry at myself for not being more aware of the signs that my father had given me; angry at his counselor for medicating him, not treating him; angry at my father for choosing to end his life. My anger masked the pain, and energized me as it helped me get through many days following my father’s death. I still experience anger. I experience it when somebody says, “I want to kill myself”, and when I hear of another individual lost as a result of suicide. The anger I experience today is different from the anger I felt in the aftermath of my father’s death. My anger continues to motivate and fuel me as it drove me to pair with Lindsay and Becky to create this blog. Why do we have to transition out of this stage? I say, just find a healthy way to express the anger in order to deal what is underneath!
BARGAINING:
The “What Ifs!” Statements and thoughts that began with those two words have never been beneficial in any area of my life. Why? Because I will never know what would have happened “if” something was done differently. As a survivor, questions present themselves time and time again. While eating dinner with Lindsay and Becky, we will still ask questions and make statements that begin with “what if” or “if only.” We try to put pieces of the puzzle together; try to make sense of a situation that continues to be out of a movie, not reality. Unlike a natural death, I really do not know why my father chose to take his life. I can guess or assume, but will never truly know. This is why I believe this stage of grief is different for a survivor. A survivor is not necessarily trying to bargain with anyone, but certainly you continue to try and make sense of the unknown.
DEPRESSION:
I really do not like this word. Depression has such a negative connotation in our society. Every day, the television is plagued with images of sad individuals who are apparently “depressed.” Why do we have to label a person who is feeling down or sad? Was I depressed after my father died, yes, of course, how could you not be?
I will always feel sad when I think about my father. I will always wish that he were here. Am I depressed, no, but I certainly feel sad. I am not downplaying depression, as I believe that my father was most likely experiencing depression when he chose to take his life. What I am trying to express is that sadness may always present itself in the aftermath of suicide. And that is ok. As survivors, we should allow ourselves to be sad!
ACCEPTANCE:
Acceptance is not defined as acknowledging all is ok. It means that we have accepted the reality of the situation. I have accepted that my father decided to take his life. I am not ok with this decision, but I have accepted it. We adapt to “the new normal.” We make changes in our life to fit our new life. As survivors, we find a way to adapt our lives to accept what has just occurred. For some this happens in months, others years. There is not right or wrong.
As a survivor, I am not sure if these were the only stages I went through or that I successfully transitioned from one to another. Like I stated previously, I continue to experience feelings and emotions associated with each stage. I believe that I always will. When talking about the stages of grief, I think it is important to remember that they are different for everyone. There is no set time limit for when you should reach acceptance, or fully transition from one stage to the next. As I stated, I am not sure that I will ever fully transition out of the stages of grief. What I have accepted, is that is ok.
Additional Posts on The Stages of Grief following a Suicide:
Revisiting the Stages of Grief
Stages Of Grief-Incorporating Guilt
The Role of Guilt-Stages of Grief
Why I Hate the Stages of Grief
My apologies if this is not the correct place to post. I too am a survivor of suicide. My father comitted suicide 8 years ago. 8 years on, so much of what you all write about still rings true. I want to thank all of you for this site. As touched upon in other posts, these conversations about grief, public perceptions of grief and suicide itself are all so important to have. LOSS helped myself and my family immensely in the time following the loss of my father, and it’s no exaggeration to say I dont know that we could have done it without them. However, it’s also just as important that sites like this exist and keep the conversation going, and keep the word spreading. Thanks again, sorry for your losses, and keep up the wonderful work
Thank you for sharing Craig. I am so happy that you found our site, and please continue to visit and comment. Being a survivor means something different to each person. Every perspective sheds a new ray of light and provides hope. We hope that our site not only helps others, but allows people to openly communicate their experiences. Our goal is to give a voice to a subject that has been silenced for so many years!
My father just killed himself 8 days ago. I’m not coping well at all. I just want it all to be over but I can’t imagine it ever truly being close to over.
Shari, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. The initial thoughts and emotions after you lose a loved one to suicide and difficult to even explain. I truly believe only another survivor actually “gets it.” I am going to send you an email with a some things that I have learned on my grief journey. I am happy that you found our site. We are here to help in anyway that we can.
Thank you. I will look for it. I’m being forced to a counselor today which I don’t feel ready for at all. I know I have to worth through this but shouldn’t it be on my own time? But again thank you. I feel great comfort knowing I’m not alone. ..I really do. I will keep an eye out.
I will talk more in my personal message to you, but I did want to comment on your question so others could see my response. I highly recommend counseling for survivors. HOWEVER, yes, it should be when you are ready. The problem is, sometimes we are never ready. My recommendation to you and anyone else is to “shop around” for a counselor. If you go to one and do not feel a connection or understood, try someone new. I know this can be difficult with insurance but it really is important. So often people go to only a couple sessions and then quit noting that therapy “didn’t work” for them. Sometimes it is not the therapy but the therapist that didn’t work. As a therapist, I would rather a client go see someone new to get the help they needed, then to continue to see me and not benefit from our time together!
i just found your website and felt like writing something. i’ve been living in china for four years now. my father was a peculiar person, very reserved and apparently very depressed too. one evening of 16 months ago my sister called me in tears to tell me that my father had killed himself. i haven’t seen him in 6 months and he was just gone. but i was not shocked. i mean, beside the saddness of what happened and the way the police found him, what was most sad to me was hearing my sister and my mother crying on the phone, with me so far and unable to support them. a couple of days later i converged to italy to gather with my family for the funeral (my brother who was stationary in lebabon at the time rempatriate too). after one week spent with my family, i came back to china to my everyday life. and the thing is that even if i miss my father and his almost daily calls very much, i don’t feel like my life has ended. actually i would say i’m fine. i tell myself that probably the huge distance helps easing the confusion and the pain of the loss…i’m not sure though. on the surface everything is ok. and this makes me feel strange, why i don’t feel like abandon myself to the tears, the anger or the depression like most of the people would do? i probably should feel down and depressed. i don’t know what to think. i only know that i feel sad he didn’t take a moment to say goodbye.
thank you for work.
Thank you so much for your comment! I wanted to comment, as I can relate to much of what you said. I do think that not living in the place where your loved one died is so helpful. I live in Chicago, and my father died in Colorado where I grew up. It has been a much different maybe even easier grief process as I do not have any memories of my dad here. When I go back to Colorado, I often feel a deeper sense of sadness that I do not feel here in Chicago. I also do not feel depressed or down. I did experience depressive symptoms in the aftermath of his death, but have been able to move on. I am a person who believes that everything happens for a reason. Because of this belief, I am constantly searching for a lesson to be learned. My dad’s death has empowered me and helped me create a stronger sense of self. It is hard to not feel guilty….how can you be thankful for such a tragedy? However, the life I am living now has more meaning than the life I lived prior to his death. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I think we are both fortunate to be able to live the life we are living. Of course I miss my father terribly, and wish he were here. I am sure you feel the same way. I honor my father by living my life and thanking him for helping me become the person I am today. Do not feel guilty for feeling the way you feel! Your strength likely serves a strong purpose as you are probably the rock for your family.
I am so happy you found our blog, but sorry that we share a similar loss. Please continue to visit and continue to comment. So many survivors can benefit from your perspective!
dear jessica, thank you so much for your words. it’s nice to know we are not alone, especially when you can share your thought and feelings with someone who can actually understand. i guess i was lucky to find you here 🙂
you said just what i needed to read.
have a great day
Mauro, you absolutely have found a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings. We are all in this together. I hope this message finds you well!
For me its not anger isnt the emotion i feel the most it is the overwhelming guilt ” i feel is just about breathtaking” i should have done more. My boyfriend of 11 years was bi-polar and had a chemical dependency on anyyhing. I always called him a garbage head.: bless his heart he was the smartest, f,unny, talented man i had ever met. He could make me laugh all the time,he could also make me cry too! I knew he didnt think normally so i made excuses for his bad behavior . He had had BPD and could be quit scarey at times. The week before his death i left our home for i always knew when to remove myself for my safety. That week i did something different i didnt answer his calls or text like i had in the past( i dont know why? ) i think i was tired of the emotional rollercoaster he kept me on. The last text i recieved for him is I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!. he’d said that to me hundreds of times. “Funny though i couldn’t tell sometime . When he didn’t phone me for hours . I got worried and came home with a police officer. Three went in and found him in our bed!!! Of an overdose.
I cant get past this .i dont know where to start. Everyone says they’re glad he didn’t take me with him but i know he really did.” Not phyically but he took a really big part.
Brenda, I am so sorry for your loss. Guilt is always present in the aftermath of suicide. It often plays a strong role in our ability to grieve after losing someone we love. The “what if’s” and “could of, should of, would of’s” can lead to depression and isolation from those that we love. Suicide changes our lives and changes who we are. It is a long and complicated journey, that only another survivor truly understands. I too experienced a tremendous amount of guilt in the aftermath of my father’s suicide. Working through it is not easy, but most definitely worth it. Mental illness in itself is very difficult to live with, both for the person and for the people that love them. Your boyfriend was blessed to have you in his life to support him and love him. My father suffered from anxiety and depression. I like to think that he has finally found his peace. I would give anything to have my father back; but, not at the expense of his own happiness. I like to believe that your boyfriend has finally found his peace. The grief journey is complicated, but you can and will be a stronger person in the end. We are here to offer support in any way that we can.
I am having the most difficult time of my life. I lost my mom in February last year, then her dog kept getting out of the fence and I found him dead in the neighbors pool and then my grandma in September last year and now July 15 this year I came home from work to find my 21 yr old baby boy hanging from the door in what is called “door knob” hanging. He had locked the door and I didn’t know or let my mind know he was attached to the rope. I saw him through the window. I didn’t realize that by tugging on the rope I was taking air from his lungs n hearing his voice for the last time. I thought he was still alive. I cut him down from the other side of the door and heard him fall. I couldn’t get to him. The door was locked. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and high anxiety. Work is messing with me so I have that added stress. I want my Mother’s Day baby back and I know that can’t happen. My heart hurts, I don’t know what my purpose is on this earth is anymore. I am here only because I still have 2 beautiful daughters n 3 grandchildren. I won’t hurt myself because I can’t put my family through the pain and agony I have gone through the last year and a half but I truly don’t know how to cope. Been on 4 different meds and all they do is mask the feelings and I am very sensitive to the side effects. I don’t know how I am going to get through this.
Laura, I am so sorry for the many losses that you have encountered. Life simply just isn’t fair. PTSD in the aftermath of a suicide is so difficult and truly impacts one’s ability to grieve. I know that EMDR can be highly beneficial for treating PTSD. It is now being introduced to survivors in the aftermath of a suicide. It is definitely worth exploring. Your perception of medication is so accurate. While it is extremely beneficial, it can only do so much. And yes, often masks the feelings that subside underneath. The search to find something that works can be exhausting and very frustrating. I do hope that a therapist is assisting with this process. I personally joined a survivors group after the loss of my father. This provided me with more comfort than anything else. Just to sit in a room with others who knew EXACTLY how I was feeling was healing for me.
I truly believe that as a survivor, we all need to re-establish our purpose in life. I lost my father, and have always believed that this is such a different feeling then the loss of a child. Just from your response, I would say that your purpose lies in the eyes of your daughters and grandchildren. I know how long and difficult the grief process is. It sadnesses me that anyone has to go through this particular loss. I know that we did not loss a child, but I do hope that even just a post from us can help you through this difficult time Laura.
I’m sorry for ur loss …a month ago today my boyfriend of 3 yrs hung himself in our garage after an argument we had .. my heart aches my son and I found him ..I can’t get that vision out of my head .. will I ever …I love this man I can’t let go….I don’t want to …I won’t hurt myself but I can’t live with this heartache either … I need help..
We are so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Finding the body can elicit symptoms of PTSD…even years after the death. I always recommend that survivors speak with a professional who specializes in suicide loss/traumatic loss and trauma. It is difficult to navigate this path without assistance, as suicide leaves us questioning everything we know to be true about our world. It can get better, and you can find peace. It just takes time, and work. Again, we are so sorry for your loss and the battle you are facing.
My husband committed suicide on 6/28/14. I have been in and out of each of these stages over the past months and feel like the stages reoccur in some type of cycle. My step-daughter feels like I should have more anger and seems to be stuck in the anger-denial stages. I have been in counseling, but she refuses to get any help. She and her 3 children and boyfriend live several states away and came for funeral but have not been able to return since. Her phone calls are disturbing to me because I feel guilty that I have been able to release my anger by forgiving her Dad for what he did. I cannot believe that he would want her to remain angry because that will not help her healing process. Any suggestions on how to deal with the situation?
Thanks,
First and foremost Janet, I am so sorry for your loss. I am not a big fan of the traditional stages of grief, as I believe that survivors have a number of other factors that impact the grieving process. I think it is important to remember that everyone grieves differently. Sometimes we need to hold on to our anger, because we are not yet ready to deal with what is underneath. While it might appear to be toxic, this can actually be a healthy way to cope. My suggestion is to let her be angry for now. Listen to what she has to say, and try to be empathetic. Often we need someone to hear our anger before we can talk about the feelings underneath. There truly is no right or wrong way to grieve. And we all move at our own pace. It took me almost a year after the loss of my father to deal with the pain. Becky and Lindsay went to a support group right after the loss of their fathers. I just wasn’t ready to deal with the pain. I needed to just sit with my anger/sadness/hurt/denial for awhile before I could move forward. Your step-daughter could be like me. I hope this was helpful. I am happy to elaborate further if needed. You can always email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com. Please pass along our blog to her if she doesn’t already read it!
Twenty five years ago, I lost a classmate that had reached out to me. He was a troubled 8th grader with few friends, and I was one of the only people that would actually talk to him away from school. I had never been to his house, but he had invited me to come stay the night with him on a Friday evening. I told him that I would, but later changed my mind and instead invited a different friend to come stay the night with me that night. I was just a kid and had no idea just how bad letting people down could be. The following morning I was told he was found dead. He had shot himself in the head with a rifle the night I was scheduled to come stay with him. I have played this scenario over and over again in my mind ever since. I have never forgiven myself for letting him down. I have struggled silently for almost 3 decades and was forced to carry on without anyone to talk to. This entry is the first time I have ever written about him or spoken of him publicly. I feel guilty for not being there for him the night he died. I feel so terribly guilty for letting him down. I have silently carried this burden since the day I saw his body laid to rest. Over time it has got easier. I forced myself to block him out and continue with life. I went on to serve in the Marine Corps, started a wonderful family of my own, graduated college, and moved to Europe. On the outside it seems like I have done alright for myself, however I never got help. I struggle with severe depression and must take high doses of Cymbalta to keep me from going into bouts of uncontrolled rage. After recently watching Pearl Jam’s video “Jeremy” , I decided to visit my friend’s grave for the first time in 25 years. I don’t know what came over me, but I broke down and cried like a baby. I laid down at his grave and told him how very sorry I was for everything. I felt an overwhelming sorrow and guilt that could never be explained. I was so emotional that I could not sit up on my own. I had crumpled before his headstone like a completely broken man. His grave was overgrown and obviously not visited much over the years, so I cleaned it of the dead leaves and branches. As I cleaned up his grave, I finally felt what I had been trying to hide from all these years. I felt guilty and directly responsible for putting him there. I felt guilty that I had not visited since his funeral, and I felt guilty for leaving him behind while I carried on with life. I often thought about him over the years and never discussed him with anyone else. I felt deep shame for betraying him and never wanted to reveal my secret with others. I feel that talking about it is the only way that I will ever find the peace I so desire, and relieve this heavy burden that I have carried silently for so long. I am not a religious man, however I begged God to forgive me that day at my friends grave. I believe that all life is precious and worthy of value. I wish that I could take back all of my wrongs in life, however all I can do is move forward in a positive manner. I realize that hiding this guilt for so long has damaged my spirit and caused self harm. Is there any advice you could offer me to help salvage my sanity and bring comfort back into my life?
First off, I want to say that I am sorry that you have had to carry this weight on your shoulders for so long. As a survivor myself, I know how heavy that weight can be. I encourage you to read the book “Dying to be Free.” It talks about the mind of someone who dies by suicide. What is hard to comprehend is the amount and depth of the person’s pain when they ended their life. We survivors often think that one situation or event led to their death; but in actuality there were many. If your friend didn’t end his life that night, he likely would have another night. We often believe that we have more control than we do. Just like nobody else can take away the guilt you feel, and the depression you experience, nobody could have taken away your friend’s pain. Talking openly about his death is a huge step. I highly recommend the book above. Working with a grief therapist individually, or taking part in a group for survivors of suicide can really help you process and overcome the pain you are experiencing. The survivor group I took part in, truly was life changing. I hope this information is helpful for you. If nothing, please know that you aren’t alone.
I am wondering if you could reflect on other models of grief in addition to the original work of Elizabeth Kuebler Ross?
I am actually planning to do a post that speaks to this topic in the next few weeks. This was one of the first posts I wrote for the blog, and if it didn’t bring so many people in, I would take it down. As a grief therapist and survivor I have found the Stages of Grief to not be a true map of how grief works. In fact, they were initially created for individuals who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. These were the stages they went through prior to dying. In the seminars I lead, I speak about the Dual Process Model. I like this model, and feel that it paints a more accurate picture. Take a look at it. Another popular model is the Two Track Model of Bereavement.
Awesome, I look forward to your postings. I am also a survivor of suicide, losing two brothers to suicide, as well as a therapist who works with a lot of loss and grief issues
Take a look at this video. It explains why the traditional stages of grief aren’t relevant. I never refer to them with survivors in a clinical setting. They do, and I often educate them on how grief really works. There isn’t a road map, or instructions. Every experience is different. I teach a continuing education course that I designed on the topic of traumatic loss/complicated grief. A chunk of that is devoted to new models and challenging the beliefs we currently hold about grief.
http://bigthink.com/videos/rethinking-kubler-ross
Hello. I lost my father in law 4 wks ago, to suicide. I was the one who found him. I am struggling and grieving so profoundly. Every day I feel more and more ‘stuck’ in this ocean of emotions. My family is grieving, but my grief looks nothing like theirs. They are able to operate day in and day out, but I feel like I am on auto pilot and almost unaware of how I made it through the day. To say ‘I am sad’ does not even come close. I can’t even describe how I feel. 🙁
I just wanted to alert you to the fact that Kubler-Ross’s Stages of Dying was not meant to be translated into the grieving process. The idea that grief goes through a similar process has been refuted by many experts in the field of mental health. It might serve you well and lend to your credibility if you updated this post. I’m not trying to be critical. I do think you have a wonderful and helpful website.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/stages-of-grief_b_4414077.html
I am well aware of this. In fact, I have developed a continuing education program that discusses the research behind the differences between a natural loss and a tragic loss. This is an extremely old article and will eventually be updated.
Thank you for responding.
on 07/22/2016 I walked into my girlfriends apartment to find that she took her own life. I touched her cold body, cut her down and called 911. 2 weeks later I am riddled with grief. All the stages you have out lined I feel buried in. Except acceptance. I tell myself she is gone, but in my heart I am still waiting for her to come back. For this to be a bad dream. just…something.
All the signs were there. She suffered from depression, and was an addict with 2 years clean. And as the depression became more and more maintaining her sobriety became more difficult for her. Being someone that has survived my own demons with addiction and depression I just thought if she could make it through this period in her life she would unlock all the great possibilities of what her life could be. I was wrong. And now everyday since all I can seem to do is think of all the things I could have done to prevent thid. From preventing someone so special to me from losing her life.
A week prior we were talking about moving her to my home, getting married and starting a family. Now she is gone and I feel more lost than I ever have in my entire life. I miss her every moment of every day. I talk to her as often as I can, and then I remind myself she is gone. I have cried every single day, multiple times a day in these last 2 weeks and I just don’t know what I am going to do. I just need her here.
I am sorry that this post is more despairing than others….but I feel the wound of losing my best friend every time I open my eyes.
Tim my name is Jake and i live here in KC. i had a similar situation happen to me on November 3rd. Does the pain ever lighten up i feel exactly the same way you describe. We closed on our new home September 26th of this year and she was gone November 3rd…i couldnt live in the new house so i moved everything again last week. Now that i got everything kinda changed im stuck thinking about it all the time. I found her in the garage as well. Its horrible im sorry for your loss.
Hello. My 60-year old mother committed suicide on 11/23/16. She shot herself with a rifle to the chest the day before Thanksgiving and my father found her. They had been married 37 years.
She has battled seasonal and clinical depression her entire life but never once threatened suicide and always snapped out of the dark times with therapy, depressants, working out, eating organic, etc. Starting in September of this year, she became obsessed with her health and was convinced she was dying of diseases she didn’t have. My father took her to 3-4 doctors a week for the past 2 months. She did have low sodium but in her head, that meant liver failure. She had a cyst on her back but in her head, that meant terminal cancer. No matter what the doctors told her, she was convinced they were lying and she was dying. We encouraged her to get therapy and take her anti-depressants but she thought the medicine would cause liver failure. It was the perfect storm. I saw her 3 days beforehand when my family celebrated Thanksgiving together on the weekend. She was doing a little better than the week before when I saw her for her birthday. She got dressed, brushed her hair and wore a nice outfit and actually ate her meal but you could still tell she was a zombie. She had been to a therapist a few times in the weeks before her death and the night before she insisted on going alone without my dad. We confirmed she did go because they sent a bill for that date but the next morning she woke up and searched on her phone different ways to die (rat poison was the choice she looked up but ultimately decided upon the gun). She was never great with technology and I’m confident she didn’t know we would be able to look up her search history. Up until that morning, for weeks she looked up ways to beat the diseases she thought she had and also ways to improve her positive thinking. It’s like she just snapped. There was no note and I wish there was. My sister said that even if there was a note, it might have made things worse because she wasn’t in the right frame of mind.
I’m not mad at her I just miss her greatly. She was my best friend.
I feel like as a family we failed her, even though we tried every possible means to turn her depression around this time- it just wasn’t good enough.
I understand feeling like you failed. What makes mental illness so difficult, is the pressure we put on ourselves to “fix” the person. If our loved ones died of cancer, we would not have guilt. We know we can’t cure or take away cancer. Mental illness is one in the same. We can’t cure it, and we can’t take it away. Yet, we still beat ourselves when they lose their battle to it. Believe me when I say you did everything you could to help your mom.