Perspective on Loss from fellow survivor, Tregg Duerson
This past April, we had the pleasure of meeting fellow survivor, Tregg Duerson, son of former Chicago Bears safety Dave Duerson, as he was being honored by the LOSS program for his advocacy around concussion safety and suicide prevention. We were so moved by his speech, “Forward,” that we wanted to share an excerpt with our readers. We are so appreciative that Tregg was willing to share his words with us and hope you will find them to be just as inspiring as you continue on in your grief journeys.
Forward
“Knowing that most of you have been touched by suicide is saddening and yet inspiring. Just like me, you have suffered an unbelievable loss, you have struggled to overcome guilt, and anger, and confusion. But despite your hardships, you are here. Each of your journeys embodies strength, perseverance and God’s remarkable grace.
I would like to share with you my journey.
When I lost my father, it was an unthinkable nightmare. I was awakened in the early hours of the morning by police officers knocking on my door. When the officers informed me that my father had died and that he had died from suicide I was in disbelief. The reality did not hit me until I was given his suicide note.
My father’s last words expressed his pain, struggles and frustrations with his mental illness. He also expressed his regrets, apologies, and love for our family. He told us to be strong without him. To continue to live our lives and love one another.
Reading his suicide note was unbearable, and it made me afraid. Afraid of taking those first steps without his presence, afraid of not being able to be there for my family, and afraid that my agonizing pain would never go away.
That was just two years ago. Today, I find comfort in knowing that the worst has passed. I find confidence in knowing that I can endure the worst. Eleanor Roosevelt explained this feeling well when she said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
This perspective came with time. This is not to say that I fully understand my father’s suicide. I still struggle… Struggle to find meaning in the meaningless, to explain the unexplainable, to answer the unanswerable. I still struggle. But the questions of why, questions of how, questions of what have faded. I am at a place not of understanding but at a place of acceptance. I accept my father’s death. Through this acceptance I have moved forward, but I have not forgotten him. He is still apart of me. There is not a day that goes by when I do not think of him.
Knowing that spiritually he is still here gives me great strength in the presence of any external pressure. For example, a reporter once asked me “Does it bother you that your father is famous for committing suicide?” I was a little taken back by this question, but I responded by saying, “My father was much greater than his suicide.” His legacy was not made or tarnished in his death. His true legacy is how he made other people feel. The inspiration he was to my family, and to strangers. That is legacy. Not what he did in his death, but what he did in his life.
For the journey my father took our family on was incredible. I am grateful for all of my experiences with him. I will always cherish and take those experiences with me. With my dad always present in my heart, I am ready for whatever comes my way. Ready to keep going forward on my own path…This is not to say that moving forward will be easy. There will be times when sadness comes back – always unwelcome, always uninvited, but somehow I must keep going forward.
Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting a young woman who lost her mother to suicide. I asked her how she was doing. And her response surprised me. She said, “I am doing alright…I am learning how to walk with my limp.” Such perspective. In those few words, she told me that she went through a traumatic event, which would forever alter her life. But despite her broken heart, she learned how to accept her emotional limp and move forward.
Like this young woman, we all have to find a way. Whether we are limping, walking or running we must find a way to go forward on our own paths. Somehow, we must go forward.
During those first weeks and months after my dad died, I was broken. I did not know what to do. Everything felt meaningless and pointless. But then, somehow, I started going through the motions of moving forward, and the more I did that, the easier it got. My heart was heavy, but somehow, I carried that heavy heart to a job interview, and I got a new job. Somehow, I carried my heavy heart with me as I studied for the GMAT, and now I’m getting my MBA. It’s not that we get over our grief — we just learn to carry it with us. To walk with our limp. We keep going forward.
Because ‘What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.'”
About Tregg Duerson
Tregg Duerson is the second eldest son of Dave Duerson. Dave Duerson was an American football player that played at the University of Notre Dame and in the NFL for 11 seasons. During his NFL career he played for the Chicago Bears, New York Giants and Phoenix Cardinals, earning four All-Pro honors and winning Super Bowl titles with the 1985 Bears and 1990 Giants. In recognition of his charitable work with substance abuse prevention and the Special Olympics, Dave Duerson was named the 1987 NFL Man of the Year, and the 1988 NFL Humanitarian of the Year.
On February 17, 2011 Dave Duerson died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound to the chest in his Miami, Florida home. In a suicide note he requested his family donate his brain to a “NFL research brain bank.” Duerson’s brain was donated to Boston University and the VA Medical Center (Bedford, Massachusetts), which concluded that he suffered from moderately advanced Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE). CTE is a degenerative brain disease, which is caused by repetitive head trauma (concussions). Duerson is survived by his ex-wife of 26 years Alicia and their four children Chase, Tregg, Brock and Taylor.
Inspired by his father’s struggles, Tregg has become an advocate for concussion safety and suicide prevention. Tregg re-established his father’s foundation, The Dave Duerson Foundation, to provide concussion diagnostic tests to disadvantaged communities. During the 2012 high school football season, The Dave Duerson Foundation donated more than 200 sideline concussion tests to 80 Chicago Public Schools (CPS). In addition to his work with the Dave Duerson Foundation, Tregg is passionate about volunteering with Mental Health America of Illinois (MHAI). Tregg serves as the spokesperson for MHAI’s suicide prevention campaign called It Only Takes One. The It only Takes One campaign was developed to create an Illinois where no one is touched by suicide. The campaign aims to reduce the stigma of suicide and increase the public’s awareness that mental health care is a critical part of health care and a person’s overall well-being. It Only Takes One hopes to remind people that sometimes it only takes one person or action to inspire the hope needed to prevent a suicide. It could be one phone call; one smile; one friend; one conversation; one person showing interest to give someone the confidence, courage and support to ask for help from suicidal thoughts.
