One of the things I struggled with the most in the weeks and months after my Dad died was figuring out what I felt comfortable telling people once they questioned my Dad’s suicide. By nature, people want to know all the details, especially when it’s something so hard to comprehend as suicide. Suicide survivors are put in a hard situation because we don’t know the answers to questions after suicide, yet all of the friends/family think you know more than them.
I remember getting so pissed off when everyone asked “well didn’t you see any warning signs?” My Dad wasn’t acting quite himself…he broke up with his girlfriend a month ago, but are you really going to think that every person you know who breaks up with someone is going to kill themselves? No, you’re not. I understand that all of my Dad’s friends were heartbroken and filled with questions just like I was. But to be one of the few closest people to the situation and with more answers/details of the last few days of his death, it felt like people were questioning me as a person and as his daughter. Were they thinking it was my fault for not seeing the “warning signs”? Although I know they weren’t blaming my brother and I, but it made me feel worse about not spotting any red flags in my Dad’s behavior.
Early on I remember going on and on to anyone who asked about all the little details that might piece this horrible story together. It was exhausting. It was something that I was constantly thinking about anyway, and it just made it harder telling other people about it. After I’d spill all these details, I’d always have regrets that I told this random neighbor/coworker/friend too many personal details. I felt like since it was a personal subject, I shouldn’t have to tell them everything that I knew or figured out. I think I was still in such shock that I had no filter.
I was able to work on this with guidance of my counselor. She recommended me have plan/story ready of what I’d feel comfortable telling people when they asked about my Dad’s death. If you know in advance what you’re comfortable telling someone, it’s easier to just say it, and stop when you know you don’t want to share any more.
I understand what you mean about the questions. If someone asks, I will tell them the story. I get more irritated when someone finds out how my parents died, and then have NO reaction. Then, I feel like they might be judging me and my family. Sometimes, I would rather have a negative reaction than no reaction at all. There are no magic words anyone can say to soothe the pain of losing someone to suicide. But I think it’s better to show a reaction, albeit small, than to remain silent.