I was sitting with a client of mine the other day. She is a young woman who has experienced a significant amount of trauma, that has left her feeling chronically suicidal. It is always a tough place for me to be. Professionally, I know how the demons can lead you to a place where you feel like there is nothing left to live for. However, as a survivor of a suicide loss, I know the devastating pain that is left behind. Like all of my clients, she knows the story of my loss. Maybe that is why she asked me to be her therapist. Perhaps I can give her insights that others can’t. While sitting in session the other day she asked me, “Why do some people give in to the demons and others fight against them? Why do the demons win?” I sat for a long time in silence; we both did. I looked at her and humbly replied, “I have no idea.”
I do want to add a disclaimer to this post. Teens, adolescents, and even young adults fall into a separate category. Their inability to fight back against the demons is often associated with their prefrontal cortex not being fully developed. They are more impulsive than an adult who is often able to step back and think prior to acting. So when we talk about what makes someone fight back, I am directing this to the adult population; the population who has developed impulse control, the ability to think logically, and notice mistakes in their decision making. Actually knowing all of this complicates matters even further. All of this brain power, and the demons still win.
I have continued to ponder this question for the past few days. I am still completely unsure how some people are able to fight back, and others aren’t. I have questioned the amount of supports that a person has, their family of origin, their passion for their careers and/or family. Every single one brings me back to the exact same place. Maybe their brain was just that much sicker than someone else. Maybe they backed themselves into a corner with no idea how to get out. Maybe they knew something about their health, or feared that something bad was going to happen. Maybe the past came back and led them to a place filled with so much shame, they couldn’t even look in the mirror. Maybe they wore a backpack filled with guilt that they no longer felt strong enough to carry. Hypothesis after hypothesis, with absolutely no idea what the actual answer is.
A question like this is another one that goes unanswered. It is another missing puzzle piece that will never be found. It is another element that separates a suicide loss from that of a natural death. An unanswered question that we as survivors have to make peace with. Making peace can feel like an impossible task. The only advice I can offer is to build your own narrative. Create your own why. This is how I made my peace with the unknown. I built a narrative as to why my dad felt that he no longer could fight back against the demons. It doesn’t provide me with clarity, but does give me comfort in knowing that potentially there was a reason why he could no longer fight.
But at the end of the day, I still have absolutely no idea why the demons win.
I, too, felt the demons won and anguished over this since I had been praying, begging in fact, for her ( my daughter) healing, her protection from evil. Then one day, I was caught off guard by the insight that at the very moment of death, Jess was snatched from evil. In the end, the demons didn’t win at all!
Jan… how wonderfully you expressed that! No, the demons don’t win at all!! Thank you!
Jan…thank you for that, it really helps…..Fran
I believe that Dylan Thomas really clarified suicide in these words, “Do not go gentle into that good night. Fight! Fight against the dying of the light.” The reasons are as simple and as complex as this; some of us have simply no fight left in us.
And sometimes our toxic families can be the very noose around our necks; to save ourselves we often need to cut the rope.
I try to build a narrative myself as I don’t comprehend as to why my son would do such a thing to himself , his brother, myself and others that loved him! Without being negative, does this really help you deal with something so unfathomable? We will never truly know what they were thinking and why? That’s the hardest ordeal to endure! If it was an accident or terminal illness (please don’t get me wrong that would also be difficult, heartbreaking and unfathomable) but they still did not choose to no longer be here! My son was the most beautiful, genuine, inspirational, loving and selfless young man you’d ever meet A true angel on this earth!
Thank you for this post. I am close to a year from losing my Dad by suicide, and my thoughts are still swirling with confusion. Other events in my life are easy to explain or tell a story around. Losing my Dad is not. I am just reaching a point when I can mention that my Dad is gone without losing the ground beneath me. The closest I can get to a ‘why’ is neurochemistry gone awry affected by a previous head injury , . . . Other family members are constructing their own ‘why’s and it revolves around the action of a close family member as the precipitating stressor. I can’t wrap my head around that and it has caused tension. Thank you for this website, it is such a beacon of support.
Good morning. First, thank you everyone that sends us their stories and everyone that posts comments. I can’t thank you all enough for the validation and comfort I get from everyone’s honesty. I know it’s hard to share but I am truly shedding pain and gaining knowledge every time I share and read others stories and comments. Every week a story is so close to what I am living and dealing with. I’m wondering if it is because when you have a loved one or friend complete suicide there are so many facets of pain and confusion that so far since I’ve joined this group I always get so much from the weekly story, sadly I guess but very real. I have recently started volunteering at our counties mental health facility training for the Suicide Hotline and Hospice with Suicide Support Groups to help others and get some healing and gain knowledge for myself but it started out with this very question! What makes some commit suicide and take themselves out of our lives and some that live a long lifetime dealing with life and challenges so severe still wake up everyday and keep on going!? It is mind boggling to me and like this story, I went into this for this main purpose and today more than before I cannot wrap myself around it. Today I feel ok with not understanding but tomorrow might be different depending on my day. I do live one day at a time now and I really use to dislike that saying as it made me feel so fragile. I am fragile, life is fragile and that’s the way it is so I’m learning to self care like never before and learn all I can and the rest I will most likely never understand and I’m trying to get to a point where I can live peacefully and happy knowing this part of suicide will never be known fully. For me being a widow, a mom of two beautiful adult children now, I want to be able to be healthy and secure in myself so they can continue to keep moving forward in their lives and gain as much knowledge that I can to do so.
I hope everyone has a day today that is peaceful and your tomorrow is the same❤️