Dear Friend,
I know it’s been a while since I lost my loved one. As you scroll through your Facebook feed and see me posting about my grief months and even years later, I know what you’re probably thinking: “When will you go back to being your old self? I miss the fun stuff you used to share. You seem different now and your posts about death, suicide and your sadness are a bit of a downer. I said I was sorry for your loss when it happened, and I have ‘liked’ the posts you’ve shared with memories but I don’t know what more I can do…Dare I say, I don’t know how to relate to you anymore?”
Here’s what you may not know – I feel the same way. I never thought I would still be affected by this loss months and years later. Of course, time has helped, but the fact is, my grief has had an eternal impact on me, just like any major life experience shapes all of us. Sure, I have been able to get into things I enjoy again. But, there will always be this backpack of grief I carry and which I will never be able to fully put away.
More than you can imagine, I appreciate when you take the time to react to my posts (in any way!) as you are scrolling through looking at happier content. I know it’s uncomfortable to see pictures, memes and articles I share that reflect my grief. But, you continuing to show your support of what I’ve been through and am still going through helps me see you care about me as a friend.
Beyond that, I want you to know that you can support me in other ways, too.
- Well after the funeral, when everyone has gone back to everyday life, I am still hurting. It’s ok to send me a Facebook message or post on my wall to ask how I am doing (yes, months and even years later)
- Have you stumbled upon an old picture or memory of my loved one? I would LOVE to see or hear it, even if you send it to me privately. At this stage, this is all I have left.
- Don’t give up on me. Like I said, I know it’s not enjoyable to see sad posts here and there. I wish I didn’t have reason to share them. But, I’m hoping the base of our friendship will still remain and that you won’t look at or treat me any differently now. I’m still me!
- If it’s a holiday or special occasion (e.g. a birthday, anniversary or even a time of year you know holds significance), you can pretty much guarantee I am thinking about my loved no longer being around, even if I haven’t posted about it. I am always touched when someone remembers and sends me a note.
Thank you for being my friend and all you have done to be there for me. I don’t say it enough (if at all) but your support doesn’t go unnoticed. Your support helps keep me afloat.
Signed,
Me
it has been 2 years for me, your post says it so well. thank you for writing. it
So very true!! Thank you for writing it!
Dear Becky,
Your letter to your friends is beautiful and really could apply to anyone who has lost a loved one, although suicides and traumatic deaths are more complex for the ones left behind. You are so right about the “backpack” of grief that you will carry – hopefully the weight lessens as time goes on.
As a grief companion/supporter/counselor, I have often recommended your site to people. Thank you for sharing your journey, your pain and your love for your Dad. He was a great guy! Every time I think of him I smile because that is how I remember him – always smiling.
Blessings,
Jan Ruidl
Thank you for sharing this with me, Jan! As I re-read this, I realized it really does apply to anyone who has lost someone, no matter the means.
Wow perfectly put .. we are only 5 months down this road and your post reflects my feelings totally .. friends say they don’t want to remind me .. but the thing is I never forget and it’s nice when they mention my son xx thank you xx
You captured how I feel. Thank you for posting. The backpack of this grief I suspect will be with me forever. It holds my story.
It has been 2 yrs 8 months that my sweet girl has been gone,yet it still feels like yesterday some days 🌻💔
Becky,
Thank you for posting this letter. It is so well written and so very true. I lost my mom to suicide in 1974, a week before my 15th birthday. I then lost my baby sister to suicide in 1987 then by only brother, also to suicide in 1993. When a loved one chooses to end their life, our lives are never ever the same. Yes, the pain “eases” over time, we learn to live with a permanent hole in our hearts. I’ve always referred to the survivors of suicide as the “walking wounded”. I was an adult when my sister & brother died and to this day clearly remember my best friend at the time telling me months later when I visited her that I was not allowed to talk about their deaths because “it was too depressing”. Most go on with their lives and don’t realize the pain that we will forever have unless they too are touched by suicide in their own lives. Thank you again for sharing.
Thank you for this
I lost my 16 year old grandson 4 years ago to suicide and yes I can enjoy life but Gris with me 24/7
I post about him often and am going to share this post of yours for all my wonderful friends to read
Beautifully written. I like how you did not attack anyone for their feelings but acknowledged them as you want others to acknowledge yours. My 19 year old died in a car accident 6 years ago and every now and then I come across a memory I want to share. I am so grateful that someone will “like” my photo and occasionally someone wilk comment it really means the world to me. Bless you in your journey.
Do not worry about what other people think. This is your loss I know I never met your Dad but I think of mine everyday and lost him in 1980. Hang in there homegirls.❤️
Those words, don’t give up on me. I have sent them myself to my friends and family. It has been a little over two years and I think of my husband every day. I miss you Rick
Lovingly written and received. Thank you for expressing what so many of us feel after loss.
Aloha~
Is it possible to share that on Facebook?? I loved it so well said. I often wonder what others think if I post grief related posts….
Hi Becky,
This is a hard time of year for me, which is what led me to this site. I don’t post about him at all due to the stigma of suicide and only my close friends and family know that he killed himself. My father killed him self on Father’s Day weekend when I was 12, I am now 25 and find myself grieving more now than I did then. Becoming an adult and learning some things about my father from talking with my mom that I never noticed before has made me feel differently about him, the fact that he didn’t help take care of me and my sister even though my mom worked full time. I never noticed that he left all of the work to my mom even when he was well. Things like that let me see him in more a human light and not someone that I have to take make allowances for because he was ill/had a traumatic brain injury. I have been in the acceptance stage of grief since before he died because it was not his fist attempt. I was already preparing for the worst and grieving for the loss of the father I wanted and needed. He has been gone for half of my life but I feel like I am just starting to enter the anger stage of grief and I don’t like it. I’m hurting now more than I ever have, even more than right after he died. I want to remeber him in a good light for the sake of my mother and sister but I feel like I can’t talk about this with them. I feel like he did it on Father’s Day to punish us and I will forever be angry at him for that..
Jammie I lost my husband 4years ago this month and I still hurtIT DOESNt go away but it doe got easier at times.but birthdays anniversaries special. Days are still hard..so you nose no one an explanation as to how you feel. I love. You and always will.
Love you an everyone grieves at a different rates/ Clairece
Thank you for sharing. As the one year anniversary of my sister’s suicide approaches, I am feeling especially sad. As I look back over the year, one of the things that has shocked me most is how only one person has asked how I am doing (after the initial few weeks). It must be a universal response not to say anything to the one who has lost a loved one to suicide. Is it too painful for people to address? Have people forgotten? Do they not remember I lost a sister when they look at me? I feel like she is sitting there right with me but people don’t see her. I am still in shock over my sister’s death but also in shock at people’s non-response.
Thank you for your ideas to help others understand. Hopefully, now, I will also be more sensitive to others who have lost a loved one.
Janet
I lost my sister this past November and think about my conversations with her constantly. I don’t think my husband or adult children have a clue that I’m still living with thoughts of my conversations with her on a daily basis and they don’t ask how I am any longer. It’s helpful to read from others who have lost a sister to suicide. I have survived “normal grief” with the loss of my parents and remember then thinking “you can never prepare” for the loss of someone you love. But, suicide? I never envisioned life without my sister nor could I have ever imagined suicide in our lives.
Wow…. so true! Thanks im glad i found this.
Co.ming up to 5 years!
Feels like it was yesterday ….
But also can feel like a life time….
💜
it has been almost 25 years for me and your words are so true… there are still days where i am so over-bearably sad by my loss. My father did not die by his own hand but at the hand of someone else. Grief is grief and how people treat those grieving, i have noted is often the same.
A girl who was surrounded by friends when dad was killed, quickly found herself alone and with no friends. We didn’t have social media but they stopped coming around. Stopped calling. Many even before the funeral.
That backpack you speak of is so real… and sadly, I don’t think it is something that will ever leave us or be put away. It carries a part of our loved one with us. I speak of my dad daily… i remember him… i listen to things he loved… or would have loved if he was alive to hear them… I keep him alive!
Much love to you and hugs. xx
and i don’t mean that all grief is the same.. not by a long shot.. and to lose a child is something i could never imagine. When i say Grief is Grief… I mean that not in the ignorant sense where i think everyone hurts the same or i know how someone else grieves. Just want to clarify. x
Thank you for this. I lost my children due to my mental illness and drug addiction. I was the one that tried committing suicide. I know our situations are totally different, but my “grief stuff” has caused other people more uncomfortable moments in my presence for them than for me. I finally had to distance myself from people that could only see me as someone to be pitied. Now you’ve given me an outline for a dialogue I can have with people in the future instead of shutting people out. A woman I admire very much lost her 15 year old daughter to suicide 8 years ago. She says one of the hardest things is people wanting to pretend her daughter didnt exist because it was uncomfortable to talk about. I admire your strength in not turning away from the uncomfortable.
I just lost my husband and Marine to suicide on March 5th this year. I am told by my brother to “get over it”. See I saw my husband kill himself and a gun to the head is not a thing I can forget. I don’t know if I will ever get over it. Right now I wish God will just take me because I don’t want to be without him.
This article has touched me more then any on this page…. September 22,2016 I got married to my bestfriend and lover,my partner in life… At the time my daughter was 3 looked up to him as her daddy. He treated her better then I couldve ever asked for.. He had depression problems,had his whole life since his mom passed when he was 5. Then right after we got married,he started doing hard drugs…. I had to move me and my daughter out of the house,I can’t have that kind of stuff around her. I moved out October first. Then he left a voicemail on my phone late on October 3rd,as he was hanging himself. Then his family blamed me for what happened. And I got kicked out of my own husbands funeral. I never got to grieve how i should’ve been able to. 9 months later, I still have a break down everyday. The articles on here have helped alot,especially this one