Last month I wrote a post on secondary loss, and how we can cope with the additional loss we face in the aftermath of a suicide. One of the tips I had, was managing our expectations for the relationships we have with others. 
While I have witnessed and been told stories about people turning their backs on the people who need them most, I have also witnessed people doing extraordinary things. We tend to put a great deal of pressure on the people in our lives. When they don’t meet our expectations, we become resentful, bitter and angry. While our feelings can be warranted, it is also important to ask ourselves, “What am I hoping to get from this person?” I have found that when we dig down deep enough, we often find that we are hoping they can take our pain away. We expect them to make the world right again. We expect them to make us whole again. In the aftermath of a suicide, we are constantly searching for someone to fill that void. Often this is done without us even being aware of it. While this awareness can’t prevent everyone from walking away from us, it can help us appreciate those that have offered us all the support they are able to provide.
Recently Easter weekend a dear friend of 35 + years took his own life due to pain and new lack of treatment of said pain. Now I am emotionally devastated. I have no real coping mechanism that works. I never felt this kind of pain, even though the Grimm reappear has been steadily knocking loved ones out of my life for about 10 years now. Never have I felt so alone. I saw a psychologist who was not even as old as my buddy and mines friendship. We were confidants and kindred spirits. I plan on getting to know your website, and wonder as well if support groups are available in my are anywhere. I can’t take here, you gotta get over it one more time. Can’t eat, sleep, or think straight. I saw a physician hoping they could help in some degree to at least help me break it down into tolerable segments. Nope. Thank you for your website, it may very well save my life.
We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear friend. A loss by suicide leaves you feeling lost in a world that used to feel so familiar. Try and be easy on yourself, and know that this is a journey. Below is a link to support groups around the country. Unfortunately, it isn’t alway up to date. I do hope that there is a support group in your area.
https://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support/find-a-support-group
I also think that finding a good therapist/psychologist can be life changing. As a young grief therapist myself, I often see clients that are much older than me. While I may not have as many years under my belt, I do have a hefty amount of life experience. I have also done/do a tremendous amount of research on the topic of grief, and know how different this type of loss is. To me, the importance is finding someone who understands grief, especially this type of loss. Unfortunately, physicians have minimal knowledge about grief as well. Very frustrating.
Know that you are not alone. We hope you find comfort in the words on our site. There are professionals out there that can offer the support you need; it just often takes a little bit of digging.
My best friend of over 35 years lost her 13-year-old daughter to suicide 2 years ago. I have been there for her since the beginning. I called out of work for a week to be there to help her and her family with whatever was needed. I read every stitch of information on the Internet about how to help and what to say or not say. After the funeral and getting back to my everyday life, I knew hers hadn’t and wouldn’t for a very long time. I found it incredibly difficult to find words to say to her. I was scared I might say the wrong things. But I learned silence was worse than not trying to reach out. So, after a week of only texting her a few lines each day, I got my courage up to call her. The conversation was awkward at first but after a while of mostly listening. I was glad I’d called. Since then I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job being there for her. I use her daughter’s name often as my research suggested. I participated in a Suicide Awareness walk last year with her and her family and I’m signed up to do it again this year. Some days she seems like her old self, although I know she never will be. Other days she won’t answer the phone. I know grief has no time limit. It lasts a lifetime. During all this, she says she doesn’t want anyone to treat her different. But I’m beginning to think that’s impossible. She is different. Here recently, she hasn’t called me in over 3 weeks. We’ve texted a few times back and forth. When I rack my brain as to why she hasn’t called, our last conversations entailed me talking about some drama in my family. She gave her opinion and we ended the calls on positive notes. Thinking back a ways, I know she said she feels she has no time for drama and others people’s petty problems anymore. I guess I can no longer talk to her about stuff like that. We’ve talked about this kind of stuff since we were 7. I don’t know what to do.
Dianna I commend you for doing research before speaking to your friend. To hear your child’s name mentioned is like music to the ear of a surviror of a child’s suicide. The fact you kept in touch by calling and texting will help her in the healing process. If she doesn’t pick up the phone when you call it is probably because she is unable to speak or does not have the energy to lift the phone. Sometimes it feels like the phone weighs a ton. As for speaking about your personal struggles I would not hesitate. I think she would be interested because it would take her mind off her personal loss if only for a few minutes. I don’t pretend to know what is going on in your friend’s mind. I am speaking of my own experience after losing my only child to suicide November 2015. I can count on one hand the number of people who have contacted me since my son died, I have friends who discuss their lives and I am happy they do so. Stops the overwhelming grief I have felt since my son’s suicide. You truly are a good friend and I commend you for sticking by your friend when she lost the world she formerly knew never to get it back. God bless you wish there were more people like you in the world.