We are all familiar with the pain that accompanies a loss by suicide. What we often do not talk about are the other relationships that are challenged or even broken after a suicide occurs. Secondary loss, as they are often referred to, are the losses that occur in addition to the person lost on that tragic day. We expect the people we trust the most to be our strength in the aftermath of such tragedy. When they do not give us what we need, when they fail to support us in the manner that we need, we experience the pain of a secondary loss. In my experience this can be equally painful, as it maximizes the anguish that we have been left with.
I don’t think I realized how much I changed after the death of my dad. When we change, our relationships need to adapt. Unfortunately there are relationships that are not able to adapt to this change. The loss of close relationships often leads to further isolation and shame as we question who we can turn to in our time of need. We become angry at the people who we feel have betrayed us. This anger often blocks our ability to actually grieve the loss of our loved one. We feel isolated and alone. And if I know one thing, it’s that people do not grieve well alone. So, what do we do? I have compiled a few tips to help you cope with secondary loss, and potentially decrease any anger that you feel.
- Accept that people change only when THEY want to change. We cannot force people to change, which means we also can’t force a relationship to change.
- Don’t put more energy into a relationship than the other person. It only leads to exhaustion and frustration.
- Change your expectations for the person and the relationship. Maybe this person isn’t your “go-to” in times of need, but they might be great at providing a distraction when you need.
- Acknowledge and accept that every family member grieves differently. Don’t expect someone else’s grief to look like your own. Just because they aren’t crying everyday doesn’t mean they aren’t in pain. Just because they are crying everyday doesn’t mean they aren’t moving forward.
- Establish new supports. I was lucky enough to find a support group in the Chicago area after my dad’s suicide. I met Becky in this group, and she became the person who offered me the most support when it came to this loss. To this day, she is still the only friend I have that truly gets it. Finding a new support helped me maintain other great relationships. Ones that might not have been the best at understanding what I was feeling, but ones that still held a tremendous value in my life.
It took me awhile to learn how to navigate in this new world in which I was living. The best thing I ever did was change my expectations. If someone continues to let us down we need to ask ourselves: 1. Is this person worth keeping in my life? 2. Do I need to change my expectations? When I asked myself these questions, I learned that some relationships were never as good as I thought they were. Others were able to remain good, but only when I made my own expectations more realistic.
Today is a very difficult day for me and I’m sure for my other kids and my ex-husband. My son Alejandro committed suicide 9-24-15 he was 16. Today March 24 would have been his 17th birthday. I feel numb,…I want to scream WHY!!!???? I hurt so much it physically hurts. I’m on vacation with my 19 yr old daughter in New York and I wish I could just sleep this day away. I want to be in great spirits for her sake but it physically hurts to breath. Happy Birthday Alejandro…my beautiful baby boy.
Hi Mora . I just wanted to say that I just went through a birthday without my son also. My son Marc Vincent committed suicide on 9/06/15. He was 21 his birthday is 02/15. It was very hard . I know that you miss him and want to hold and smell him again. I found comfort in going through pictures and sharing wonderful memories. And also through prayet. I’m so sorry for your loss. I remained well try …to stay strong for Hus brother Tyler . my other son. Remember all the wonderful things. Pray. Talk to people. Just know he is with god now and is in no more pain. . I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that you love him . if you need reach out and talk to me. Also just know that it is not your fault. Marc was in mental health treatments. That is my wondering if there was anything that I could have done to prevent it. And I concluded that there wasn’t…god only takes the ones that are special. I must stop for now. I’m tearing up. But also know that he lovess you too. He is all around you. The air you breath. The birds and trees . the grass . and the butterfly’s. If you see a cardinal in your yard he is visiting you. Be strong Mora . I know it’s hard. But he wants you to be happy. I know these are words and words from a stranger at that.. But I also know there are no words for this. Be well Mora .
I am just past the eight month mark and am shocked at how few are left in my circle. A total of four …… I don’t have the energy to explain the process to other people. I even had a “Friends That Care” group who sent me items periodically, but have now moved on, which is fine as I can’t explain how I feel to them either. My husband and I attend Compassionate Friends, We The Living, and a grief therapy group with our other children. My world is so messed up in my mind that I feel like I’m looking at the aftermath of a battle with minds, bodies, and emotions simply lying strewn at my feet. My once relatively perfect world is forever gone and adapting has not been a perfect science to say the least. I have found several online groups that do provide support as well and am so close with one of the people that I have met that I feel like she is part of my family.
In my opinion, as a woman who lost her husband by suicide, all the confusion and sadness he was experiencing before he died, I now carry. It may not be the same ones, but it is anguishing , as it is the why’s and how could I have stopped him, and what did I do wrong, etc. The guilt, the torture. His pain is gone, I have gained it.
When I stop and think about it, I have more or less made it all about me. I really don’t have that sort of power that I could be responsible for anyone’s death……I have to try and understand that whatever I am feeling now must have been way worse for him to have done what he did. I do not condone it, but I have come to an understanding.
I am sad that there is not more awareness of mental health issues, and why we are increasingly losing so many wonderful human beings to depression, bipolar and other mental health issues.
Talk about it to others, try to make a difference in your community with your voice.
When you are feeling like life isn’t worth living…which as survivors we can all relate to….and the risk of suicide is higher for us…..reach out to someone and talk about your feelings.
I hope for all of you an inner peace. I am so very sorry for the losses of your loved ones.
Beautifully stated!
Dear Dee,
Thank you for your post. I lost my beloved boyfriend to suicide this year. I feel exactly as you do: that the anguish he was feeling has now been transferred to me. I am in agony and feel hopeless every moment and every day over his loss. I agree that we need to de-stimatize mental health in this country. My boyfriend was surrounded by family and friends who did not believe in therapy and who instead turned to substance abuse as a way of coping. Each day I ask myself what I could have done to stop him from making the terrible decision to end his life. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced and my heart goes out to others experiencing heart-wrenching sorrow.
I lost my little brother last month. My boyfriend and I live together and he drinks regularly which alters his personality and it seems like every other night he picks a fight with me over something petty and because I don’t give in to him bc what he’s upset about is ridiculous it always escalates to a screaming match. I don’t need this in my life right now. How can I grieve when he’s taking up all the space in my mind with these stupid fights and adding to my stress and anxiety? We clearly don’t understand each other and I feel like he doesn’t care what I’m going through. All he cares about is himself and getting his way. It’s driving me crazy bc I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me right now. I want him to leave.
Dear Jessica your words describe my own experience. I live overseas which makes it dificult. I was hurt by how few people have reached out after his death a year ago. I had tried to reach out to others often with no reply. It was my nephew who opened my heart. He sent me a message telling me he was crying, blaming himself for not being able to stop him, and was in such pain he could not reply. I lost sight that others were feeling his loss and were crippled by grief like myself. He did give me a gift though. He told me that he was asked by so many in the town they grew up if he was my son’s cousin. They then told him about the times my son made them laugh and all the fun they had with him. He touched so many lives. Also as someone who dealt with the mental health system in the U.S. I will tell you I was totally disgusted. I tried his entire life to get him the help he needed hitting roadblocks at every turn. I did my best but my best was not good enough to prevent his suicide.
My heart goes out to everyone here for the loss of your loved one. It is a loss unlike any other.