The number of suicides among veterans and active duty military personnel is unfortunately staggering. We know several readers have experienced the loss of a loved one during or after their time of service but have not yet touched on this unique perspective. We are extremely appreciative of guest blogger Katherine, particularly heading into this holiday weekend, for sharing about her beloved boyfriend, Shane, mere weeks into her grief journey.
Katherine’s Reflections on Becoming A Survivor
“Suicide is complicated. As with the level of complexity and pain that dwells within those who complete suicide, survivors are left with a sea of emotions that are impenetrable. Sometimes I do not know which way is up or down and if this is reality or a horrible nightmare. Well, the reality of this is being a survivor is MY new reality, MY new nightmare.
I lost the love of my life to suicide May 10, 2015. May 10 not only changed the direction of my life, as his best 
friend, lover and as indicated in his final words to me “soulmate,” but those around us. Friendships have strengthened and my family has become so much closer to me. I have all the support in the world, but still feel alone. I say “we” on my tippy toes because I’m not sure if they were really his dreams, but “we” were supposed to get married, have a family, run away together, and spend our lives together. He has run away and now it’s just me here with a hole in my heart. That’s what the loss of a partner feels like. The world can be holding you up and helping you breathe, but it cannot ever fill that void. The need to feel “normal” is overwhelming. I try and try, but grief… It always resurfaces. Shane left this world a little over seven weeks ago and everything is still so new.
Life Together
Shane and I had been living together over a year before he displayed any mental health concerns. He had struggled with chronic pain due to a back injury he sustained in the Air Force. This caused him to struggle with some depression, but nothing that was out of control or alarming. In October of 2014, Shane started talking to me about suicide and his depression. His first attempt was November 7. I brought him to CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program) in December and they did not admit him. Shane said “I will kill myself, it will not be today” and they released him. In January, I called the Mobile Crisis Unit and Shane was mental health arrested. They held him for less than 24 hours due to his refusal for treatment or
medication. At that point, I would not let Shane come home until he agreed to treatment. With that, he agreed to see a psychiatrist and eventually counseling. Shane outwardly presented better, his physical pain was under control, and therefore he wasn’t depressed. Shane most of the time did not believe he had mental health issues. He believed that if his back was “fixed” a.k.a. he had a new spine, then there would not be any reason for him to be depressed. In the meantime, he would say “I can’t do anything, what is the point of me being here?” Shane was very active. He participated in indoor football, liked to lift weights, hike, and be outside and active in general. He was able to do all of these things, occasionally with limitations, but that was not often. A week or two before his death, he started experiencing numbness in his shin. He believed that this would require another surgery and apparently that was not an option for him. He took his life before we could explore these options. He felt a burden on me and his family. When I left him on May 10 he was laughing, told me he loved me and he would see me when I got home from work. I was pulled from work that evening by County Sherriff’s telling me they had found Shane. I was shocked, terrified and in denial…. I still feel that way today. I have to remind myself all the time that he is dead and not coming home. This is my worst fear and my nightmare.
Reconciling with The Grief Cycle
Outside of being a survivor of suicide, I am also a mental health professional working on a suicide hotline and own a private practice. Based on that disclosure, I feel people looking at me and saying “Shouldn’t you have known then?” Did I know that Shane was thinking of suicide regularly? Yes. Was he in treatment? Yes. How did I not know that day? I ask myself that question all day, every day. Could he have been saved? Ultimately, not if he didn’t want to be. Shane did not want to live with his physical and mental anguish anymore. He ultimately became his own worst enemy. Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief end with acceptance. (Jessica has written frequently about The Grief Cycle and particularly the acceptance phase – read about it here.) Of course the stages of grief are fluid and constantly jumping around, but my goal is for acceptance. I do not believe this was God’s will, but it was Shane’s will. I love and respected him more than any man I have ever met and my goal is to continue to do that by respecting his decision to end his life. I will never stop loving Shane. He was gorgeous both physically and emotionally. I hope Shane finds me soon because every day is a struggle without him.”
Katherine, I have no idea how you do it. Your strength is an inspiration. I admire your bravery to be able to share your experience, especially so close to your loss. So many of our soldiers are suffering, & many in complete silence. I wish for you wonderful things & happier days as you try to move forward.
Hello Katherine,
This is a great article and I am so proud to say that I know such an inspirational, strong and transparent person as yourself. For you to be able to write this article after such a short time of losing Shane gives even more proof of your willingness to help and care for others. I pray consistently that you are caring for yourself in all of this. I believe it is also ok to just sit in your grief. You are a beautiful person both inside and out and although I am just a fellow co-worker, I am here if and when you need me. 585.576.6311
Toni Brinson
Love you Kate. If I had the “perfect” words or help, I would certainly share with you. I don’t know your pain exactly but I know about that dark hole that doesn’t go away. Hugs and love to you always dear sweet strong child! Breathe xoxo
Katherine, I just simply cried reading your message. You have such an amazing strength about you. I find it truly honorable how you give Shane the respect…but honey you also need the respect. The respect to reach out and help other, the respect that you are bringing about awareness, the respect to the love you “have” for Shane. I truly pray for peace and comfort. May you continue to be strong with God’s help.❤
Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and such respect for Shane. I especially appreciate that you offer up respect for Shane by respecting his decision. That is brave.
I can add nothing but my prayers that you continue to find strength and grace and that this message of the impact continues to spread awareness and understanding.
Katherine,
I could have read on and on. Your writing and descriptions of him and your experiences are eye-opening and after I was done, I felt like I had pressed “pause” on a movie. It’s amazing that you are able to put this out there for people to relate to, take from, learn from, or heal from your words. Never forget what you have done and are continuing to do for people all the time. It’s amazing what some people or couples go through, while others really have no idea that Facebook or family get-togethers are not who they really are. Thank you for this glimpse into what I know was the hardest, and still continues to be, experience you’ve ever had. Love you.
Kat,
I hear you say what you wrote in the blog often… I could see and still can see your love for Shane. Seeing your thoughts, feelings and emotions all in one place makes me feel a little more reality to what is your “new” life. I could go on and on about Shane, your love for each other and your strength. I know you feel that you have no option but to try and keep breathing and to keep trying to make it through each day but what you are doing is amazing. Your love was and still is amazing and YOU, most importantly, are amazing! xoxoxo
Dear Kat,
Your an inspiration for all of us here at the hotline. You are a truly genuine soul that cares deeply about those around you and more. I pray for you & Shane all the time and hope we can all heal and accept his leaving us too soon. I am so proud of you and how strong you are and I know Shane is now watching over you as your Angel of Peace. I just started reading Nine Days In Heaven and am learning in my own way how to cope with losing a loved one. You are always in my heart & prayers along with Shane. You are both beautiful souls.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Kat- I cannot add anything that has already been written and said to you. All the words already voiced are my thoughts but said so much better. I will just add that I cannot phantom what you have gone through and are going through. You are an INSPIRATION to me and I’m sure to anyone who knows you. I hope to draw on your strength if I am ever faced with the loss of a loved one. I have lost loved ones but due to different situations/circumstances. I will end by sending HUGS and PRAYERS. And, to Thank-you for being the person you are.
My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine the void you must feel and it’s heartbreaking that you never got to say goodbye. I hope u find happiness.
Kat,
Thank you for sharing your and Shane’s story. Your words truly touched my soul. They demonstrate your love, caring, and understanding for both Shane and yourself. Your ability to share your and Shane’s story is a testament to your inner the strength and perseverance. I hope your words will help other Veterans and survivors as the cope with this too often taboo subject.
Hi – I know Shane’s parents from Newberry. I did not know Shane as he was older than my kids but I really liked and respected his parents and was deeply upset when I heard about Shane. My father-in-law committed suicide 21 years ago so I know exactly what you are going through. We never have answers. We never know what we could have done to stop it. We are all left here to pick up the pieces. I am still picking up the pieces from my husband’s grief. My mother-in-law lived with us for 17 years and for 17 years I picked up the pieces from her grief. I am so sorry for your pain and his family’s pain. There are just not enough words to express it. Please know that the pain does ease. My heart goes out to all of you.
Kat, the only comfort in all of this is getting to know you better. So wish it were under different circumstances. I will always cherish your visit with Shane to Florida. Honestly, I still am in a sort of denial stage that he isn’t coming home. Shane lived with us after his discharge from the Air Force. I called 911 when his back went out for the first time. The doctor recommended surgery. I often wonder if he had gotten that surgery if things had been easier for him. As difficult as that experience was in the ER, it was one of the dearest times I encountered with Shane. Tears are flowing as I remember our sweet Shane. My love to you today and always for being his soul mate. Love, Aunt Donna