One of the more common questions I get as a survivor of suicide is how I prefer to describe my dad’s final act. In an effort to be “PC,” they wonder if it’s better to say he completed vs. committed suicide, or even something else, like “he took his life.” To be honest, it never really occurred to me to think about it until I was asked. This is certainly a personal “preference” for survivors, but for me, there was really no sugar-coating the fact that he died the way he did. No one term is going to make me feel better, lessen the impact of it or the outcome itself. Interchangeably, I seem to use “committed,” “took his life,” or even “killed himself,” mostly based on the context of the situation and who I’m talking to. Do you feel one way or another?
I remember this debate coming up during one of my first Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) support group meetings. A few attendees commented that they use “completed” because the word “committed” only perpetuates the stigma associated with suicide. Usually in society, we hear about someone being committed to an institution or that they committed a crime. It has an inherently negative connotation to it. In many cases, the individual spent a long time suffering from anxiety, depression and unthinkable pain and it’s unfair to stick that final label on them. They weren’t “crazy,” they were living in anguish and it wasn’t their fault. Additionally, if the person has made attempts in the past, “completed” just seems to be a more neutral way of explaining that they ultimately died by suicide.
There are many instances in society where previously non-PC terms have been replaced by something very “safe.” This is one of those topics that just hasn’t made enough “progress” yet. Aside from the stigma that persists and the lack of care options for people who are seeking help, we have not settled on a term that feels “appropriate” yet.
This topic came up again when Lindsay, Jessica and I were speaking to a class of psychology students. When asked how I feel about it, I explained that it really doesn’t matter to me how I describe it and I don’t find offense in the way people talk or inquire about it with me. I am a pretty open and honest person. However, I noticed that I seem to say he “took his life” to people I have to tell for the first time because I think it will sound less shocking to THEM. I almost try to shield and protect them from what I’m about to say and had to experience. Out of all the options, that one just seems to sound the least alarming to me. It doesn’t involve the word committed or the big “s” word. When their eyes inevitably grow wide, or their jaw drops, I usually follow with a, “but, it’s totally ok!” and move on. It’s like I don’t want them to have to feel any shred of guilt, sadness or emotion about it.
I am certainly just a focus group of one here and I imagine that others feel strongly in their own opinions. If you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide and are wondering how to broach the topic, it’s perfectly fine to ask the survivor his or her own preference. I think they will appreciate the fact you are taking their feelings into consideration. And, if you are a survivor, you have every right to use the term(s) that make you feel the most comfortable (under the circumstances) and to let others know – or correct them – on what you prefer they use around you.
This is just another of many unfortunate facets of the “new normal” we have to face as survivors.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I agree that “completed” just feels weird and very clinical to me. I haven’t said it once. Died by suicide seems to be the most direct and also works to help eliminate the stigma by removing any terms around it (like committed). I hadn’t really thought about the fact that our loved one basically did commit this crime against themselves, though. But, I agree it’s not really a fair thing to say because we know they really could not help how they were feeling and thought they were actually taking the best route, versus a malicious one. At the end of the day, as we both said, there really doesn’t seem to be a perfect way to name this or “solve” it.
I say that my brother “died by suicide.” That feels the most honest and right for me personally.
Hi Jenni – I’m learning that this is how many survivors “prefer” to describe it because it is the most factual and straightforward. Thank you for sharing with us.
I say my son died of depression. If I get a blank look, I say it was suicide. On our forum, I’ve been using ‘suicided’, which isn’t really a word, but I also don’t care for committed or completed.
I say, my son died by suicide or took his life. At that point they never have anything else to say.