In a previous post, I wrote about the Stages of Grief after suicide and how they relate to survivors (click here to revisit the post). I challenged the notion that these stages apply to a survivor in the same manner that they apply to someone who loses a loved one “naturally.” As a psychotherapist, I understand that the stages are a blueprint to be used to help others understand their grief journey. However, as a survivor I continue to question whether these stages are relevant to those who have lost a loved one to suicide. I believe there is a missing link; a link that can impact one’s ability to effectively navigate their way through the stages. What is the link? Guilt.
If you are a survivor, you might now be familiar with “the signs” of suicide, in hindsight. Signs such as: giving away possessions, saying goodbye, talking about death, withdrawal, a sudden sense of calm, etc. Some may even tell their loved ones that they are feeling suicidal. Whether you did or did not see the signs, as a survivor, you go back to those final days with your loved one and reexamine every minute. All of a sudden, something so small appears to be so big. You begin to ask yourself question after question, which often leads to blame. You wonder whether you could have changed the outcome. If you would have seen these signs, or acted on them sooner, would your loved one still be alive? Wow. How can you not feel an overwhelming sense of guilt? This certainly does not apply to everyone and some survivors might feel as if there were no signs at all. Many in our LOSS group have shared they felt their loved one even went out of their way to hide the signs so they couldn’t be stopped. And, likely, there was nothing we could have done. However, I can relate to the guilt and this is why I continue to believe that the Stages of Grief are different for a survivor of suicide than a person who lost a loved one to natural causes. Sure, if your loved one died of cancer, you may still have feelings of guilt. Guilt that you did not tell them you loved them one last time, or apologized for any wrong doing. As a survivor of suicide, you carry this guilt along with one other question, “Could I have prevented their death?”
I write this post today, in hopes that it helps you feel less alone if you do feel any sense of guilt. I want to acknowledge the overwhelming sense of this guilt you may experience as a survivor. A notion that you truly cannot understand unless you are a survivor yourself. In future posts, I will break down each stage independently and discuss how I think it is different for survivors. I would love to hear from you as well. Do you feel that guilt has impacted your grief journey? Please email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com. I would love to gain perspective on how other survivors grieve.
Thank you Jessica for sharing your thoughts and feelings. This past week was the first year anniversary of my father’s death by suicide. There are moments when I am still so overwhelmed with sadness and I think the guilt I carry is part of that….I am not sure if it will ever go away. It is comforting to read your blog and realize we are not alone in our unique grieving process. It validates our feelings and it is SO nice to know we are not alone. Thanks to you , Becky and Lindsay for developing this site. I can only imagine the great number of survivors you are helping.
Tish
Tish-
I am so happy that you found our site, and do hope that it helps you feel less alone during your grieving process. Guilt is a heavy weight to bare. As a survivor we cannot help but feel the full weight of guilt, often blaming ourselves for the actions of others. I am truly sorry that you too have experienced loss in this manner. When feeling my own guilt I try to remember the following quote. “People who die by suicide don’t want to end their lives, they want to end their pain.” And remind myself that there truly wasn’t anything I could have done to end my father’s pain. Although I do not know the details of your father’s death, I would assume there was nothing you could have done either. It is hard to remember during the times that we think of them and wish they were hear. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Tish. Stay strong!
I lost my little brother to suicide almost four years ago. The guilt has been overwhelming. He had SO many signs, and he desperately tried to reach us the morning he took his own life. I didn’t answer my phone, I was busy. Thought I would call him back later. NEVER will I turn my back on those signs again, but it didn’t help him. Finding other survivors has helped so much. I am glad I read this.
My younger brother died of cancer in June of 2014 and my older brother commited sucide in Oct of 2014. I find that I am asking myself over and over again why I didn’t pay more attention to the one who wasn’t terminally ill so I could have helped him. The younger one had nothing but fought to live and the older one had everything and chose to die, it is so confusing and painful. Our family will heal but we will never be the same, our journey had changed courses.
Donna, I am so sorry for the loss of both of your brothers. I have found that many survivors question why they did not see any signs, and blame themselves for not doing anything. The challenge is that we often only see what our loved ones want us to see. We never truly see the depth of their pain. Suicide does change everyone. It alters the course that you were on. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to figure it all out right now. Sometimes, we need to just sit in the middle of our path for awhile…and that is ok. Allow yourself to grieve. In time, a new path will appear. I hope that our blog and posts are helpful.
Jessica
I lost my 14 year old son 6 months ago to suicide. Guilt fills everyday as I try and understand what I did wrong as a father. I had no idea he was suicidal. After digging for the truth I learned that he was being bullied. I thought we were close, I feel horrible that he didn’t come to me with the details of his bullying. I feel like a failure.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have always felt that the loss of a child adds a whole other dimension to the grief cycle. Bullying is a serious issue that has caused a tremendous amount of emotional stress. I am not sure if you already have, but I would highly recommend a support group where you can connect with others who have lost a child to suicide. I also wanted to pass along a very helpful site called, The Alliance of Hope. They have a community forum where you can connect with other survivors. I know many people who have utilized their forum, and all have said it was a life saver. Here is the link:
http://forum.allianceofhope.org/index.php
Please know that you are not alone Brian.
My son died of suicide three months ago. although he showed signs and verbalized some things he didn’t express the extreme state he was in. I don’t know if they know that verbalizing will help or if they even know what they should be feeling like and the contrast. I don’t think my son knew what it was like to be feeling “normal” as I feel. So I don’t think he knew how bad he was.
Guilt is a horrible thing to have to confront and deal with. To me you have to ask yourself, “did I love my (brother/sister, son/daughter, father/mother) and would I have done anything to help them if I’d have known? If the answer is unequivocal yes to that question, then you did all that you could do with what information and personal resources you had available to you at that time. You are not to blame. Allow yourself to be an “imperfect” human. We all are imperfect and don’t do exactly what the perfect thing is…….we can’t, we’re not perfect. But love is the answer. If you loved them, you must trust in that love. You did your best because you loved that person. Our best in most situations in life, isn’t good enough. That’s the plain truth. We get by though. However, when a loved one dies, that’s when our mind turns to “blame and guilt”. But that’s not the truth. The truth is we LOVED.
I lost my son to suicide just three weeks ago. I have extreme guilt and anger. I have flashbacks constantly of the two months prior to and up to his death. I can find no joy in life and I am consumed by guilt when I try. I am living in pure desperation.
We are thinking about you during this difficult time. The first weeks, months, sometimes even years following the loss of a child can be extremely overwhelming. The initial “shock” takes some time to wear off, and it is difficult to see past the pain of the present. In those first few weeks/months, I encourage you to seek out all of the help you need. Connecting with other survivors has been helpful for myself, and others that I have connected with. It helps you feel less alone. We would be happy to provide any resources if and when you want. Please know that you are not alone.
Sheree, I lost my son to suicide June 19, 2016, Father’s day. He was a father to two small children that he loved with all his heart and soul. And married to a woman that he loved deeply. Yet he left them and he left us. His pain was that severe. I don’t blame him, I do blame the “system”. I was feeling extreme guilt. Guilt is a horrible, demon. I know my son would not want me to blame myself. I know that as surely as the sun rises and sets.
In Feb this year I lost my husband of nearly 40 years when he took his own life. I watched his battle for nearly 5 years after a boating accident which left him with PTSD. I saw the signs but felt powerless. He wouldn’t talk to me about any of it. Right now I feel like I should of done more and maybe he would still be here with us. He had so much to live for. He has truely broken my heart.
We are so sorry for your loss. I often tell survivors that there is only so much we are capable of doing for our loved ones. If our loved one died of cancer we would likely have no regrets. Why? Because with cancer we understand that there isn’t anything we can do to heal them other than give them our support and love. Mental illness is the same. We can only do so much. Unfortunately we aren’t capable of taking away the pain:(.
I lost my boyfriend by suicide march 25 2016. I am completely lost, we were happy had plans to buy a house, start a roofing business, we talked about all these plans. The only thing I can think that would make him do it was he had bad headaches. He would get real sick and said his head felt like it was going to explode, he took his life while he was out on the road working, I feel bad, I can’t eat or sleep.
The headaches and feeling sick could have been
Chronic anxiety. My husband of 35 years had that most of his life. He exercised all the time to burn that negative energy and it wasnt so noticable. When he hurt his shoulder and couldnt exercise his fear and chronic anxiety took over. Then he took his life.
Who would have thought a little thing like anxiety could kill a person.
It was not your fault. The signs are difficult to see. In hindsight we may have done things differently. At the time though we did the best we could with what knowledge we had. Be kind to yourself. Xoxo
My husband of 27 years committed suicide I February 2016. I had been having an affair and the Friday before he commited suicide i.came home and told him I was spending the weekend with my boyfriend. Until that point my husband did not think we had had sex. We were talking about separating and my husband wanted to try and work it out he was distraught. I was supposed to be home Sunday. Sunday night i texted him.that I would be home in the morning to get ready for work. 45 minutes later he had sent a text saying goodbye he’d be watching over me. How do I not feel responsible and guilty?
My aunt, who was more like my mother, killed herself almost 6 years ago. I’m finally in therapy to address all my emotions and process it. I’m actually a licensed social worker and trained therapist and it’s taken me this long to actually face the truth that my aunt died. But what i’ve discovered so far is this (and it definitely relates to guilt): I’ve had an overarching cloud of denial hovering over me for the last 5.5 years. I go through bouts of feeling anger but then start feeling guilty about being angry. That then will trigger sadness about how such a beautiful person could take her own life. when i start to comprehend the amount of sadness and hopelessness she felt that makes me even more sad and start to think about all the possible things I could have done differently to change the course of events. Then i start feeling guilty that I’m being so selfish and thinking about myself and that this has nothing to do with me. For me, guilt resembles my mind trying to think rationally about a very irrational act/decision/etc.
I hope this is making sense. I’m still trying to figure it all out and how to articulate it. But Thank you for your website. Grief related to suicide is so tremendously different than grief related to other types of loss and death. I sometimes feel like I’ll never heal from the wound suicide as left.
My 38 year old son committed suicide two weeks ago. He was married and when things got bad I thought his wife was aware. I received some resistance when I wanted to get involved My daughter and husband told me to Stay out of it. Now my son is dead and I feel I should have persisted and tried to help him. Why don’t they verbalized better what they are going through? So we can help. His wife made him promise that if he contemplated suicide he’d go to the emergency room or crisis center. Why didn’t he keep his promise.
My husband died by suicide on August 5, 2016. He had post concussion syndrome and very bad reactions to anti-anxiety melds. It still does not feel real and the guilt is overwhelming. Trying to be strong for our children, but I feel so scared and alone.
Hi Meghan-
We are so sorry for the loss of your husband. Be kind to yourself right now, and know that you are still in a place of disbelief. Do not expect yourself to make real progress our your grief journey…at this point it is all about survival and caring for your kids. I have found that suicide survivors expect way too much of themselves in the early months. Don’t. Just take care of yourself…that is the only thing you can and should do for both you and your kiddos!
Meghan,
I’m so very, very sorry for what you are going through. My 41 year old husband took his life in May of this year. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It’s just completely unbelievable. I believe he also had post concussive syndrome but we have no formal diagnosis. His death was completely out of character. I am still in shock. He was a healthy, handsome, intelligent, funny, devoted, husband and father. I am extremely grateful and lucky to have a very good support system of friends and family. I hope you have this as well. I will say that at nearly 4 months on, I have moments where I feel like I can breathe and I have been able to find some serenity. I still go through an overwhelming array of emotions: heavy sadness, denial, guilt, anger, etc..but for the first several months, there was no peace and I was terrified. I am no longer terrified, though now I carry the worry about our family’s future alone and that is stressful. It may not seem possible to you now, but you can do this. Sometimes, you will get through it because you are strong, and at other times, you’ll get through it just because you HAVE to….for yourself and for your children.
I am thinking of you and praying that you can find some peace.
M
My brother committed suicide in 2008. This was shortly after our father had passed away in 2007 and his estate wasn’t closed yet. My brother was a race car driver and everything he did was for my father. After my father died, he didn’t want to get involved in getting rid of my father’s belongings, selling things that needed to be sold. He begin to start accusing the person in charge of the estate and I of stealing from the estate. Then we had a big fight over the racing team and he sided with a non-family member over me on decisions about the racing team. So I just became is sponsor, instead of part of the crew. More and more fights broke out with us about him getting involved with my father’s estate. He had two daughters and the came over and got things that the wanted and other family members and I would call him and ask if that would be okay and he would always say yes. Well his daughters moved out of his house and he said he felt the family was drifting apart. One day we had dinner and settled our differences. We worked out how I could keep my father’s house and he would keep our boyhood home, how we would get rid of the RV my dad owned and I would buy the truck my dad owned. We hugged, I seen him a couple days later picking up his daughters car to go into the shop with his stock car trailer. We both talked said we loved each other, two days later he was dead. Excess sleeping pills and alcohol! Left notes for his Daughters and ex-wife. At first I blamed myself, not seeing the signs. Feeling maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard to get involved in my dad’s estate. Now as many years have gone by, his daughters are grown. One is married and has a child. The other has two children. One I am really close to and am close to the children. The other has gone her own way. The two sister don’t talk, because their mother made it impossible do to ‘money’ and ‘material’ fights. Their mother also cost me untold amounts of money since my dad’s estate wasn’t closed. Though she was divorced from the daughter dad, the kids were young enough she became their power of attorney. Anyway, now that I see the two daughters grown with children I feel guilty. In fact I have thought this many times since he was gone. Not that I think any less of my own life or that I want to be dead but I have often asked God, why didn’t he take me in my brother’s place? I would have gladly went in his place so my brother could be here to see his daughters and Grandchildren. I do everything I can to keep his memory alive. I have a memorial race every year for him. I sponsor cars carrying our family name. The thing is I feel so guilty when I see the fact that the daughters and their children have no dad. Why couldn’t have God took me instead? I had no children. My wife and I were having martial problems? What made my life more valuable then his? Sure I have done so much good in my life and yes, my brother had some things in his life that he had to answer to his maker but does that make me a better person?? Does that make my life more valuable then he?
My Boyfriend of 8 months was widowed 2 years ago. They were arguing/talked of divorce & then she took her life with him at home in another part of the house. She had spoken of taking her life to all of her family members & when he asked if he could help she wanted him to leave her alone-then when he left her alone she was upset at that also. He says when he is emotional=there are days that he cries a few times a week, he feels the best. I think the crying is releasing of his grief, but I don’t know how to help him with the guilt. He said if she would have divorced him he wouldnt have pictures of her at home but he still has pics/memorial there. He feels responsible for not preventing her suicide & guilty for his feelings for me=we’ve been intimate & have been saying l love you for months. He lives a few hours away from me & has always come to see me-since l work 2 jobs & still have a teen at home. I just recently went to visit him & saw-was warned by him that he has let his house go-it is disheveled & yard work undone. He has not removed any of her things, although he says he wants them gone-l think he’d feel guilty to do so. He’s been distancing himself from me more lately & said ‘she’s’ disapproving/interfering in him & l. He & his Stepson visit her grave (hundreds of miles away) on her birthday in July & things with him & l have been declining ever since. I love him dearly & am being patient & trying not to pressure him=we talk for hours weekly-with him often the topic he takes the conversion to is her & their past problems. I would say we don’t talk about us as much as we talk about her, but I don’t think he talks to anyone else about it. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know what to do. He’s also frustrated that he’s still trying to pay off the funeral & the tribute trip yearly is expensive & uses up quite a bit of his vacation time=this is not ‘down time’ for him at all-he’d be less stressed at work. Is there any advice to help me help him? [He did go to counseling after her death but didn’t like the religious tone of it-he is Spiritual man though]